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i know now why i cant let go of you, i was actually offended when u said no..truly am...yes u were the one person that i wanted but rejected me. i was offended by that. i was so use to boys wanting me and when u said no...i was suprised. so yes thanks for the refresher.... i wont my ego get to my head.....

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Please get out of my head. I swear the more I do without you, the harder this is getting. HA! Its only been three days since I saw you/heard from you. Kind of thought I would at least have an email by now.

Oh well off to an interview. It sucks that I havent been able to share all the updates with you and get your advice. I need it. But I was independent before, so I can be again. I know you emailed last week and asked, and I didnt really respond, but you DONT have a right to know.

Funny cause this job is right around the corner from your place. Weird. Maybe I could sell my house and we can buy one there. Its cheaper right? oh I kid, I kid.

Cried myself to sleep last night....the vodka helped though.

So i have made a promise to myself not to contact you until i hear from you. But in reality I expeected something by now....so it was easy to make that promise. I know you love me. We really can work it out. I bet you arent contacting me because when I saw you, you realized how your feelings have not changed. I saw the way you looked at me. So give in instead of fighting! xoxoxo

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I'm a week late but Happy Bday. I haven't heard from you in 10 weeks, I can't believe its been that long since when talked, held hands, kissed. I had your email opened 5 minutes ago and had it all typed out. I came to my senses and didn't send it. If you want to talk to me you know damn well how to reach me. This hope I hold onto has to be let go. For whatever reason week 10 feels like week 2 all over again.

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I wish you knew how good you had it. I loved you so much and you threw everything back in my face like i was nothing. And now that you ignore me everyday for the past 3 god damn weeks makes me see that I did judge you right. Your birthday is tomorrow and I was supposed to be with you.. Hold you. I wake up every day thinking about you and spent every day trying to make you happy and the least you could do is not be so cold and care about me alittle.

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It's been a month and a half since we broke up, and a month since we've talked. I'm really glad things ended, I'm happier without you. Don't get me wrong, I still miss being together sometimes, for heaven's sake we spent nearly 8 years of our lives together planning a happy ending. I think it's all built of familiarity. There were a lot of shady times, the things you push out of your head so you can live in this idealized world and brag to others and convince yourself that you have built a successful perfect relationship when really it was toxic and suffocating. Your behavior over the last few months that you rationalize as being okay, was a bunch of garbage but really I want to thank you for hurting me so badly. It did make me stronger. I had to pull myself out of bed, with the help of my friends. I reinvented my life, this is the life I should have been living ALL ALONG. Funny how it only took me a month and a half to stop crying over 8 years with you. I know you think your happier now because you don't have me, and I know your lost in the excitement of your GIG's affair but I don't think it will last long. However, when it fails if it does, do not come back to me. I do not want you back. I have met someone else, yes already. He is amazing, he understands and adores all the things I wish you had seen. We laugh, we TALK, he smiles. He is happy. You were never happy, not with me, not with you. I hope you get happy one day, but I beg you not to ever return. I've learned that I can stand alone. I do not need you as my crutch. You do not define me. This is the life I have built, and each day it gets better and better.

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Robin's posts reflect so closely to what I feel. It's kind of comforting in some ways when I read them...

 

Dear Ex,

 

You're a real jerk. An a hole. You're really stupid when it comes to wooing the woman you really want! You say that you want to reconcile and that you won't give up on our relationship?!? Well if you're really serious about it, why haven't you made any efforts to make me feel wanted? I've never really felt wanted the entire time we were together, you idiot! I always felt like just another female friend or friend with benefits!

 

If you were serious about making me happy and marrying me like you claimed, why didn't you bother to treat me better than your disgusting female friends? Why don't you tell me how you truly feel and express it better when you do want me, when you do miss me, you dummy?! I hate you and am disgusted at myself at how I could ever have fallen in love with you. Actions speak louder than words and your lack of actions on trying to win me back and reconcile the relationship says a lot about how much you actually care. I'm so glad I broke up with you and didn't bother to give you a chance to talk me out of it like all those other times. I'm so much better off with you. You don't deserve me, you piece of trash! Go back to your * * * * ty female friends and exes you can't let go of! I bet you just keep them around to stroke your huge ego. I don't need someone in my life who can't let go of his garbage and who loves to roll around in it. We are so through and I am deleting all my email accounts so that I don't have to think of you every time I login to check my mail! I am going to block your phone number and I am going to forget you ever existed in my life.

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Robin's posts reflect so closely to what I feel. It's kind of comforting in some ways when I read them...

 

Thank you hun! I post and just vent so much that I often forget other people are gonna read what I write- I'm glad it can help you in a way. It always helped me when I can relate to what other people are saying- it is very comforting.

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ugh. what gives!!!!???? really? you dont have to email me silly things you know. I answered the first one, because i DO want to talk to you. even though i know you are looking for excuses to talk to me. so if you were making sure i was home, well I gave you the confidence that i was. But thats two weekends in a row you email me silly stuff at a silly hour.

You KNOW i love you. you KNOW i want you. So quit testing the waters.

Everyone says you miss me too, but you cant come out and say it. Well what am I supposed to do? I cant chase you. You know im here waiting. and it SUCKS.

Today was the first time that you sort of shared personal stuff with me. Sorry I didnt answer, but what were you looking for me to say? Im not your girlfriend anymore remember?

 

I hope you come back soon. Love you.

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I cried for you a little this morning. First time in a few days....actually in over a week. I just felt really empty for some reason. It feels like it's been a life time since you and I were together....it used to feel like it was just yesterday, but now the time has really caught up to me. It feels like it was a long time ago, probably because it WAS a lone time ago. Maybe that is my head finally catching up to my heart. I miss your touch, the intimacy we shared very much latley. I will just think of the times where your hands were on my body, kissing you, how passionate it was. How my desire for you wasn't just physical but emotional. I have been sexually attracted to men after you, but don't feel THAT feeling. I'm afraid I never will again. I miss the connection very much.

 

But time goes on as they say right? I've gotten to the point where I don't need that feeling anymore. Its hard to explain, because I miss it, but I don't desire it with someone else....I miss feeling it with you. Do you remember the first day we were together when I looked you in the eyes as we layed tangled in your bed in each others arms- as I told you 'I want it all with you....'? And do you remember how months later when everything got so messed up between us, as we were talking about where our future was going, and I told you as we sat in your car and I cried 'I still want it all with you!' Well the cold hard truth is....I can tell myself a million times I am over that, that I know our time is over- and I DO finally know that....but deep down inside, in my heart, it's still December 30th 2009 and I am still that naive, head over heels in love girl who 'STILL wants it all with you'.....

 

 

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Weekends seem tough, especially after NC for a couple weeks. I don't need you, but I'm disappointed in thinking you were a better person...partner or friend. Sometimes I have no idea what goes through that head of yours. Your wanting to hide from the world and yourself. Was distance really the issue? I don't doubt you loved me, but I'm confused about an abrupt ending, then gaps of communication and currently nothing. How can I miss you so much when I am treated so poorly?

 

In the end, I do love you for who you are. The good, bad, all of it. Unlike most, I stay true to my word and feelings. I mean what I say when I say it. Maybe it's sad to say I miss you, but I do. I long for you every single day whether we speak or don't. Not many have made me feel that way in life but you're among the few.

 

Whatever you're currently doing, I just hope you're safe, well and happy.

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Hey Just,

 

Its been 7 months now and here i am still sobbing over you, i miss you so much baby, i miss the love we shared, the laughter and the plans we shared, most of all though i miss staring into your eyes as you tell me you love me. I wish yopu were still mine darling.

 

Steve xx

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I feel like I'm never going to love another person again. I think I've accepted that I may not ever love someone the same way again... but I actually now fear I'll never love anyone. I don't understand why we can't make it work. It's been a year and a half... and you're still there. It seems like in the last few months we've spent too much time together. I thought I could be over you... I've been dating other people... but in the end, I'm still not over you. And you say you are not over me. But you'd also rather move to another country to try to "start over" without me. You always did like to have one foot out the door. I don't know why I just can't get over you. Why there is still this magnetic pull between us even though we've been broken up for the same amount of time we were once together. It seems like a waste to throw these feelings away. I am angry that it's not worth the effort to you. And I don't understand how you can still have feeling for me... and NOT have enough feelings for me all at the same time.

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I think I'm approaching around week 2 of NC, 2nd time around. Am not counting this time. Have finally thrown my old SIM card away, and I feel weirdly liberated by now knowing you're not going to call/text.

 

Keep having some funny/fond memories of things we did together, not really deep pang "missing you" ones, but ones where I can smile to myself and even a little chuckle. I know you're long gone now, and I accept that now it's a shame we can't be friends though I know that would be a bad idea at the moment.

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I wish you would have stayed. You have such a fear of people leaving you and I never would have. Sorry to make it seem like I would. I think about you all day baby. I start to get mad that you wont even respond to my text and that you dont know how much I miss you. Im sure your with somebody else by now and think he's ten times more fun than all this drama. I hope he treats you well, but sometimes I kinda dont so you can see what I wanted to give to you. I miss you.

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I hate you so much for not caring about my feelings. Your off with your friends enjoying your time and im here crying adn loosing my mind. I get that you weren't ready but you dont get to choose when love comes into your life. I want nothing more than for you to come and telll me you made a mistake, i deserve to be wanted. I treatd you so damn good.... And i hate that you have me blaming myself... " Its because i got out of shape and stopped going to the gym'.." its because I got to needy and turned you off"... the fact of the matter is that you dont deserve how i wanted to be to you.... Then you make me question that and say " she does but it wasnt the right time"... YOU DONT>.>>>> And even if I was to write all this to you, you would ignore it and make me feel dumb.... Where is the guy that was all smiles.. So positive about life

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I hate how much I'm obsessing over you: do you miss me? do you still love me? are you screwing someone new? are you thinking about anyone else besides me? have you moved onto the next * * * * so soon already? Yeah I did see the flirty message you sent your disgusting female friend on facebook and you said the same thing to me. How sick. Those words you said that day we met in the bookstore, how you missed me, missed my scent, my company, missing being with an "equal," just thinking back on it gives me such conflicting emotions. You told your ex that she was an equal as well when you were both still together and it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, since she was the main reason we broke up. If I'm your equal and you consider her to be your equal, that means on some sick level, I'm on equal footing as her even though you tell me that I am so much better than her. Yet you held onto her and I should have saw the signs and listened to my gut instead of living in denial. That is my foolish mistake to pay for. For not trusting myself more.

 

It doesn't help that my family sometimes mentions you and wonders if we're getting back together. I hate how much I actually can't bring myself to fully hate you despite all the pain you've caused. I'm still in deeply in love with you and I hate myself for that. Yes, I hate myself for ever falling in love with such a fool as you. You don't deserve my love. You have no idea how much I want to run back to you. I'm here waiting, waiting, waiting for you to call even though I'm the one who dumped you. In four days, it will be a whole entire month that we've been apart and broken up. And you keep telling me that you want to reconcile yet it's killing me slowly inside how you're not doing anything about it! I will take it as a sign that you've given up, since I was always the one in the relationship who had to do all the damn work anyways and always felt so unwanted because of it. Another big red flag I should have seen. You never took any big steps to make me happy. You always blamed it on work and lack of time and money. If you're so busy, you shouldn't even be in a relationship! You shouldn't even be telling me that you love me! At least that would make me move on faster. Knowing that you don't love me or want me.

 

You know what else is also sick? The fact that your disgusting female friends think you're so romantic when you're not. You are the most unromantic person I've ever dated. You don't even know how to properly woo the woman you truly want to have for the rest of your life. You can't even pick up on my hints or even fulfill them when I do clearly state them. I honestly don't know what I saw in you when you gave so little in return and treated me like garbage and I would just give and give and hope you would treat me better and love me more if I treated you better than you treated me. Maybe I should have taken this as another sign that we are not right for each other. That the women you do want to have with you for the rest of your life are happy with what garbage you give them. And that always pisses me off that you expect me to be like them, you treat me like one of them. You think I will like the things that they like.

 

Many times I wanted to get revenge on you while we were still a couple. I wanted to hurt you so deeply that you couldn't pull yourself out of your misery but it just made me feel worse about myself. But it still doesn't stop me from have those feelings, of wanting you to hurt much more deeply than me.

 

These few weeks being away from you has cleared some of my thoughts and emotions about the relationship. I fell in love with someone who isn't you. I fell in love with someone who I thought would treat me better and love me better and who would put me first before his garbage female friends, exes, and past. I should've realized this sooner. You are not the person for me. You are not the person I want to be with for the rest of my life at all. You are not the person I fell in love with. That person left as soon as I moved in with you and that's when you got lazy and stopped pursuing me, making me feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.

 

You say that you have never felt so strongly for anyone before, never felt so sure before until I came along. You told me that I am the one you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with, yet you treat me so poorly. Obviously I'm not that person. I should've listened much sooner when my friends were telling me that you were just messing around with my head and heart, telling me such lies in order to string me along and keep me in your circle of disgusting female fan groupies, so that your ego can be stroked even bigger. Well I've had enough. I hope someone comes by and shatters your ego and entire world and gives you a big wake up call. You are not worth the chase and time and thought. You don't deserve any love and happiness at all for all the pain and crap you put me through.

 

Every time I listen to sad songs, it reminds me of you. All my hobbies that you enjoyed reminds me of you. We were so similar it was almost creepy. Except for the fact that I would never put an ex and * * * * ty friends before my significant other. I would have given up almost anything just to be with you. And you wouldn't have done the same for me. It always felt like I loved you more than you loved me. At least I know how much of an A-hole you are and I keep having to remind myself of that every time I start feeling like I miss you and want you back. I hope you have bad luck in love after me. May you never ever find love again in this life and the next and the next after that, until you've proven you're worthy of it, you piece of trash.

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Here I am again, depressed and feeling so lonely because I miss you so very much.

 

Some days, I can get by without a care, but certain days are rough. You're everywhere and I can't push you out of my thoughts. Sometimes I go to sleep and you're there behind me, holding onto me and I feel warm and happy. Then I wake up in the morning, only to find you're not there and it's yet another day without you. Your smile is burned into my memory, strong and bold as ever. I love that smile and yet I hate it sometimes, knowing it no longer belongs to me.

 

You seem perfectly normal, distracted by your job, family, friends and a particular hobby. If I truly know you, a part of you hurts deep inside as well. My aim is not to get back together, but I miss you, your company, the little things that would fill my day with joy.

 

Other days, I can be filled with so much anger. I can go off on those who don't deserve it. You've turned me into a monster on more than one occasion and I don't like seeing that side of me surface (my mean sarcastic attitude, nothing physical, as that is NOT me). I want to be me again and find the girl who was so happy, carefree and fun before complicated relationships came into play. How is it that these things change us so much? I have learned so much and I am still learning. I'm just in pain as I try to find that one person who belongs with me. The soulmate I yearn for and apparently "the one" I have not met.

 

Still, wherever life leads the both of us, don't disappear on me completely. I love you...maybe more than you will ever truly know. You consumed my entire heart at one point and you might even still right now. I just hope from time to time you can feel me in your heart and that I will always care about you deeply.

Edited by DailyDreamer
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