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Nynnja
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Why is that I cannot get you out of my mind , It seems like all the words you said were just lies. I left a miserable relationship for you and then 2 years down the road , you just abandoned me just because you had guilt , how easy it was for you to just give up . I wonder if you even miss me or feel any loss. It is so hard to get my head around , we had everything together . You asked me so many times why I loved you , please don’t break my heart . What the hell was going through your mind . Is this what you intended to break my heart from the outset,. I cant and will not take the blame for this , I gave you my heart completely and you literally just ripped it out of chest and through it a away . You will never find that love in me again . Run Forest Run

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I wish there weren't handcuffs next to your bed last time I saw you. I wish you didn't forget the way I thought you once loved me. Maybe I was just seeing only what I wanted to see. Maybe you never did love me. I hope you change. I hope you aren't a womanizing * * * * * * * forever. I hope one day you understand. I hate that I feel stuck in the past w this person who doesn't exist anymore or perhaps never did. I hate that every time I think about a relatonship or being in love I want you instead of starting over because I still wanted our future. But now I am finally wanting to let go of it. I'm sad, but it's a good step. I deserve more, and staying stuck on a lost cause is stupid. This is goodbye, we've said it a million tmes, but it's my goodbye to who I thought you were. I'm ready, and it's over for me starting today.

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Well well well it's been almost 2.5 months since the initial breakup. That has gone surreally fast. Scary actually, to think I've been moping around this apartment pretty much on my own for two and a half long months. What an ass I was to think I could salvage it a few weeks after, when you were clearly already dating. Makes me think though, we had a recon around the 15th May, but by that point you must have least been heavily communicating with the guy...guess you knew you were never gunna really get back. What use is anlysing gunna do anyway.

 

2.5 months of long lonely walks with the dog. 2.5 months of an empty bed. 2.5 months of a phone so quiet I may as well not have it frankly. Damn, how it go so quick. End of July will be 3 months and that's REALLY scary. That's getting into distant memory category as far as you're concerned.

 

Was thinking last night when I was drunk how different you were now to the old L****. When I text to tell you to leave me in peace, you actually did. That was following over 30 days of NC. The old you would have been texting back regardless, wanting to stay in touch. How did I put you off that much? How did you become so empowered? Not really a difficult question. You live at home now, you have £££, a job, a car good friends. What do I have? Next to nothing. And you knew that. Thanks a bunch. You also know I have to rehome my beleoved dog now, thank god he's going to a good home.

 

Perhaps I should have kept quiet, you may came around eventually. But then what? Waiting every day for a text that may have never came? Nah I did the right thing.

 

I'm throwing my SIM card away soon, and have purged FB so you will have no means of contact, not that you would anyway. I really need to meet someone else, that is the only way to get over you, I know this from past experience. I hope you get a reality check soon and realise that you actually had quite a good thing here.

 

I was watching some youtube music videos last night, and it struck me the last time I watched them was when I was with you. It was a weird thought as it made me wonder why I didn't watch them with you. We weren't THAT close as a couple. I never truly opened up to you, and you to me. We couldn't drink together and looking back with that great thing call hindsight, you can see now our breaking up was almost inevitable. Just wish I'd been in a stronger position, socially and economically, if I had, like you I'd be pretty much over you know, of that I am sure.

 

2.5 months of long, lonely walks with the dog, knowing you wern't going to be there when I got in. I miss that a lot. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss the pointless, almost compulsive phonecalls. LOL and to think I was thinking about telling you not to ring so much a few weeks before we broke up....the irony, now you don't ring at all.

 

I'm so friggin' lonely it's not even funny. Some days I can go the whole day without speaking to anyone.

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Ugh I FEEL the EXACT same way...

 

Dear ex,

 

I love you so much that it hurts to be so faraway from you. I never truly wanted to leave in the first place but I left because of our issues and I wish I had taken your offer at the time when you suggested we seek help from a counselor. I miss you so much and dream of you and when I wake up, I feel so sad because I have to remember that I left you.

 

Do you know why I think you're handling it better than me? Because you don't tell me how you're feeling. You don't always tell me how you feel, even when I'm being hurtful and I wished that you were open about it. And you're not crying as much when we talk on the phone and you have all these great distractions like web designing and you're always such a good actor at hiding yourself that you end up hiding yourself from me and I feel so stupid for not realizing how much pain your in. And if you had just let me know, I think I would have done something about it. I think I would have stayed longer and tried to fix it and try to not be so hurtful. And I'm sorry for not letting you know how much pain I'm in until I get so angry that by then, you're no longer listening and you still don't know how much pain I'm in either.

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The last few days have made me think about a lot of things. I'm SO over being sad, it's time for it to stop. I have had a few good talks with myself and really it ends NOW! I was being nostalgic lately, looking at old pictures of us, taking a trip down memory lane, reading things I wrote back when were were together, journal entries I made when I was first falling in love with you. It made me miss those times, but it also made me realize something....you are not that person now, but more importantly I AM NOT THAT PERSON NOW! I think I wanted the past back so much, that I didn't take the time to realize that now only has time gone by, you changed, but I changed A LOT. I am NOT that person anymore!

 

I look back at the pictures from 2009, read my words, and I just realize how I am NOT that girl anymore. I have grown so much. In many ways. I don't even look the same. Beyond the obvious, my hair is different, my clothes....it just makes me realize that I have matured. My sense of style has matured, refined even. I like the ME I see now better honestly. The physical stuff is only symbolic- it makes me realize how the inner me has changed. I was such a naive girl back then. So naive to the ways of love. You were my first love, practically my first everything. Though I still have yet to find a love again, I am not that naive girl anymore. I date now, I am more open to talking to other guys then I was before you. In a way you opened the door for me in that way. Maybe I should thank you for that. Being with you, experiencing the things I experienced- it opened my eyes to a lot of things. Feelings I feel, getting out there and just discovering LIFE. I limited myself before then- in a way YOU were the thing that set me free.

 

Its a strange feeling. This is the first time I have felt like this....like in a way I almost owe you something. In a way you took me from being a 'girl' to being a 'woman'. I thank you for that. I think that had you not come along I would still be in so many ways that naive girl I was. So honestly- and I can't believe I am saying this, but THANK YOU. I realize that 21 was FAR too young to be tied down into the serious relationship that we 'tried' to have. I say tried, because as much as we kid ourselves, striving for this long term serious thing- it never was that. It was a case of infatuation, puppy love. I question if what we had was ever love at this point. It felt like love, but what do I know? I don't have much to compare it to....

 

Anyway....no more looking back and wondering on that. It's a waste of time. I need to move on. I need to thank you for opening my eyes to the ways of the world. I feel so much stronger now that I recognized these things. Though there is still a hole in my chest that hurts sometimes, realizing these things make me feel STRONGER. I have also realized something else. There is NO reason for me to ever be in contact with you EVER again. Its wonderful I finally made this realization. After how we left things I don't think you will be contacting me anytime soon....but I'm sure eventually you will. You were always the one to contact me out of the blue. Maybe not now, not right away....I don't expect it for a while. But if you do....there is no reason for me to answer.

 

Me contacting you was NEVER the problem, it was always when you reached out to me. The only reason I went with breaking NC in the first place in May was because I knew I would be running into you at the end of the month. Now that that's over, there is no reason for me to be in touch. I have told myself I am NOT going to your city again anytime soon. I've given myself until October 2012. Over a year. Over year for me to forget about you, to get over you fully. If you text me with in that time I will not answer. I'm not saying it will be easy, but really there is no point. We have no business being in touch. September will be tough for me to not say happy birthday, but you know what I will get through. I wonder if you will even notice me not wishing you happy birthday. If it will bother you at all, make you sad. Part of me hopes it does. I wonder if Halloween will come by and you'll think of me....you knew how special that day was to me. And then the holidays. Wonder if you'll text me to say Merry Christmas....no matter what I will resist the urge to say anything to you. I will get through it! And New Years- that will be tough. Our anniversary. Who knows, by then you'll probably be onto girl number 3,4,5+. Not for me to think about.

 

Those holidays are no longer our holidays. They are just days. Days I will have to create new memories with new people on. Good bye. Again. For the hundredth time. But I have to try once more to say goodbye, to move on, to let go. It's time for me to get on with life.

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I'm numb today. Im babysitting thinking that will get my mind off of you but its not. Its making it worse. Its making me think of you and your kid and the four of us hanging out playing in the yard. He even asked about both of you. Cried even when I told him your son couldnt come over.

Im feeling stupid for waiting two days to answer your email. Cause now I sit and wonder when you are going to come see me already. I know we will see each other soon but I need you to be the one to initiate. I cant chase you. Quit fighting it. You know we can make it work. We play too many stupid games. We could be so good. Just try. Give me your whole heart. xoxoxo I love you.

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I'm so angry today. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!! I hate everything about you. I hate your guts! I hate YOU!

I wish you didn't exist. I wish I never met you. I wish you didn't exist at all in my life. I wish you were gone forever.

Just go away and never come back! Jump off a cliff for all I care! Good riddance! You're such a jerk, what did I ever

see in you? You were never worth any worthy woman's time. Go back to your * * * * * * you prefer so much!

I am so full of anger and SO MUCH HATE and disgust! Just go away and get out of my life for good!!!

Don't even bother to send me my stuff back to me. Just throw it away because I don't want to hear from you.

I don't want to see you. I don't want you to exist in my new life I am making for myself WITHOUT YOU and people like you.

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I need to stop being irrational! Why do I have this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach right now?? This girl friended me on Facebook. I know her face. She lives in your area, she's friend of a few friends. I have seen her around on that District site. I think I saw her on your friend list actually....I kinda thought she was just being friendly now, adding me because I just made a comment on our mutual friend's photo. I added her because I recognized her. But I think I'm paranoid right now. I see that she just changed her relationship status to 'in a relationship' not long ago. But it doesn't say with who. I'm really loosing it. I can't feel like this with every girl who you could potentially be in a relationship with, who is from your area! I know A LOT of girls from your area, friends with many- if I act like this then I will be jealous and paranoid of every female I know from there! That's crazy! She does look like your type though. UGH no Robin STOP!!!

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This is the reason I left FB altogether. I couldn't control myself (jealousy-wise). I feel you, Robin!

 

I'm THIS close to deactivating it. It's just pissing me off these days. Even though he is removed, I have had him removed for a long time, I feel like there is always potential for things to come back to you. Last year we were going through a rough time, he went out one night despite me not wanting him to, and like I said since I know a lot of people who frequent the same places as him- someone posted pictures on FB the next day from the club and who was in the background of said pictures? My ex grinding on the girl he messed around with behind my back. Nice.

 

FB is more drama then I need!

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I'm THIS close to deactivating it. It's just pissing me off these days. Even though he is removed, I have had him removed for a long time, I feel like there is always potential for things to come back to you. Last year we were going through a rough time, he went out one night despite me not wanting him to, and like I said since I know a lot of people who frequent the same places as him- someone posted pictures on FB the next day from the club and who was in the background of said pictures? My ex grinding on the girl he messed around with behind my back. Nice.

 

FB is more drama then I need!

 

Exactly, and now I actually talk to my friends more on the phone/text so I hang out with them a lot more now. If you live in the same city, you'll end up coming accross one of his friends, acquaintances, or something. Another problem was that we used to FB chat in class a lot too and I missed that so I hated being on there.

 

Too much drama indeed.

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wow. how come the last two days have been especially hard on me? spending time with my nephew is supposed to make me forget all my cares....dont get me wrong, it did, but now i seem to have fallen down further than i was before. I am guessing you are sleeping soundly today. i hope you have been well.

So i was talking with l today and for the first time ever i rambled and rambled and rambled on about you and I. She said to go for what i want. I told her i cant. Told her I know you love me but ..its your turn. she told me she'd set me up. lol. thats funny. That is the LAST thing on my mind. And i hope it is for you too.

I want you, and only you. I am almost certain you feel the same about me. so lets just throw in the towel and start over. maybe this will make us stronger?

i am absolutely shocked with myself that I havent caved and called you. Sad but i expected another email or call from you by now. (i know its only been one day since i responded). I think you are now playing the stubborn game too. are you mad or hurt that i hardly responded? i dont want to play anymore. I swear if i didnt know that we will see each other again i would not be ok just avoiding you. i still love you. And i miss you even more.

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I want to unblock you from FB SO badly tonight to see if you are friends with the girl who requested me! SO BADLY! But I need to STOP! What does it matter? Really? NOTHING! If you are dating this girl- or ANY other girl for that matter it only further proves what an AHOLE you are! One month after me you rebounded with that girl! Now broken up with her about a month, and if you have already rebounded so fast you REALLY are the massive jerk, PLAYER, ahole that I ALWAYS knew you were in the beginning! And should have listened to my gut on in the first place! I just feel sorry for you, jumping girl to girl like this. I wonder who I was a rebound for. Kills me to say it, but I'm sure I was. I don't think I ever meant as much to you as you made me believe I did. Sad to say, but it wasn't love. I see that now. Every line you ever fed to me- it was JUST A LINE! I realized that when I saw you could tell those girls on Facebook the same things you told me. You are a player in every sense of the word.

 

I pity you. I really do. Have fun with rebound number 2,3,4,5++++ Jerk.

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