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You can't break me. I'm already into little million pieces.

I try so hard to be this old marlene. the girl who i was before meeting you. didnt work.

So i try to be this new amazing care free marlene, didn't work. because my old self kept re-surfing yet the things i used to love to death are lame.

i don't know what i want, i don't know if i miss you. maybe i'm just a crazy girl? Maybe i need to learned that you are over me.

Why is it so hard for me to understand that? why is that soo hard for?

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I wish I would've never meant u because u hurt me the most!!!! U made me relived hurt pain anger and depression all over again!!!! U gave me the best highs and the worst lows!!!! U really * * * * ed with my heart and used me and I still I hope u get everything u want in life because even through all that I learned what love was like but I also learned exactly what I want and for that I thank u and everyday I think of u is only a reminder of why god made me go through this because it's ok to make the same mistake twice but not he rest of my life and u are my last mistake!!!!

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why oh why oh why do you make me feel like this

you broke contact on monday asking how the kitten was

i replied, hopeful, because im at a vulnerable stage in the break up

u replied asking another question about the cat

i replied

then nothing

you just want to check in to ake sure im not angry/going insane/and most importantly because you want your things back

 

i wont let you know how im really feeling. il just stay quiet.

i just cant believe you dont miss me

im in agony

 

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All I can do is think of you , Your amazing smile which brought so much joy into my life , your laughter and your mind , you gave me so much life . how amazing we were. How happy we were , why did we have to give it up. Its now been 22 days of NC , I WONDER IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME NIGHTMARE THAT I’m going through . I miss you so so much it hurts . Days go bye and all I wish for is that you would call and say , you want me back , why do I put myself through this , Its because I’m still in love with you

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Day 16 of No contact. I know, if I ever hear from you again it will be a while. This distance between us feels as if it is killing me. I know I must walk in faith that God works all thing to good and if this is His plan then I must accept it. I will just continue to pray for you everyday. I just hope you know I love you so very much and I miss you just as much.

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I'm really considering going to therapy or something, its been so bad lately. I can't get my thoughts off of you, of us, of the past. It's been a LONG time since there was even an us but JESUS I can't let go. I guess being in contact has really hindered me. I really really reaaalllyyy regret going to that thing on Memorial Day weekend knowing you would be there. I'm really mad at myself. The last month has been kind of torture for me, left to my own thoughts to think. We left things so odd...with that horrible talk I just feel like a damn fool about it ALL.

 

I've been toruting myself more, IDK why....listening to sad music....it's like I WANT to hurt myself? I don't understand. I bet your fine aren't you?? On to the next skank huh? UGH you make me so mad, it really hurts me....it makes me sad at the same time. And at the same time you disgust me....but I STILL FRIGGIN LOVE AND MISS YOU!!! How can you feel SOOOO many conflicting emotions for ONE person??? Anger, hurt, disgust, love, hate- SO confusing!!

 

The last few weeks I've been SO lonely. I don't understand it. I was NEVER the type of person to get lonely. I did great by myself. But I miss the closeness we had....I really do- and I HATE myself for feeling that way UGH. I don't know if it's the fact that I've been lonely, but today I had the STRONGEST urge to text you. I even went to a blank text and debated for a good 5 minutes. I REALLY had to snap myself out of it and say WTH are you INSANE ROBIN??? I haven't texted you out of the blue like that since....February? WOW! In fact when I think about it, It's ALWAYS been you to initiate contact with me some how. I haven't done it in a very long time.

 

UGH! I don't even know what you would do or say if I did. I don't exactly think it would be welcomed after the idiot I made of myself last time we spoke. I have to keep reminding myself of that- Robin- HANG ON TO THE LITTLE BIT OF PRIDE YOU HAVE LEFT!!!!!

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It is the end of another long day without you. Tonight I will kneel in prayer and ask God to forgive me for the hatred I felt towards you today. I let you control me for the past 2 months and you haven't even been here. Well, I am done! I was planning to move to Australia first part of next year but I have decided to bump it up to as fast as I can sell everything. You were the one reason I was staying here and now that your gone I have nothing to hold me here. You can go and have your "textbook" romance and even get married to your rebound, (and yes, it IS a rebound) and then you can have your "textbook " DIVORCE! and I will be enjoying my life down under. Today I changed my mindset from want to be back with you to I don't care if I EVER hear from you again. YOU WILL CONTROL ME NO LONGER! Goodbye.

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ok...seriously dude. you cant live with me but you cant live without me. Youre driving me absolutely nuts. maybe last night was a mistake..who knows at this point. But you got upset because you seemed to think i was pressuring you or something. So i left. and it hurt this morning when i found the things i left at your place last night in a bag on my front door. You couldnt have at least rung the bell? that tells me one of two things...A).you either really did not want to see me and was trying to make that clear by avoiding me or B) that you dropped it off early this morning and didnt want to wake me. Either way it hurt me.

So i call to say thanks and you are short with me. Fine.

And now, i get an email asking if i still want your stuff? Man ..... i dont get you. Your ears must be burning cause I was thinking about you too. And now a call? I answered this time. i was tempted not to. but i did. You sounded like youve been drinking. Are you drinking away your depression? I dont want to make the same mistake and bottle in my anger like i did yesterday. Did you get my email you ask? really? like really?!!!! You sent it an hour ago! that was nothing I needed to answer at 9oclock at night. You crack me up. But I played it cool. dont pretend that you didnt know you were supposed to pick a day. I can cry now. But youre not seeing my hurt anymore nor am i sharing much more with you. Almost told you i was going to go away this weekend so prob couldnt come get it tomorrow or this weekend. But meh...thats not your business. not anymore. not until you come crawling back and treat me with the respect i deserve. We both need to treat each other with the respect we deserve. I know it goes both ways. I still do love you though. I hope you were lying when you told me you didnt. As much as you dont realize it, you doing these things for me says alot about your feelings..no youre not just being nice like you tried to tell me last week. Ugh.

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I'm sending you this and I want to send it for the right reasons. Not for the wrong- not to get your attention. I want to send this your way since I have had a bit of turn in luck, and I feel badly for the bills you have had to incur because of us. I want to send this your way and be okay with not ever hearing from you again. or be okay with a simple thank you, but know that doesnt mean we are to start communicating again.. I have to send this to you for my own selfish needs- to know I would help you if I could. And to know you have had to struggle so much with the medical bills. And to release some peace and lift some guilt off of myself. I don't want to send any cards- you received those, and said it doesn't change anything. You are right- it doesn't change my up and down behavior, and I want to be sure I am sending you this to help you -- not because I am seeking attention... oh I hope I don't react after you receive it.. I want to send and wish you peace. And I want to not look back. I told you I would help you when I could.

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I still miss you, what I thought we had. I wonder how you can be so cold and unfeeling. If I could get inside your head just to re-assure myself that you did feel something. Do you have someone else now? I dont believe it is what you want, if yoú do. You know it too. It doesn't matter though, I am not too bothered by that. It's more my feeling of losing something. But if we didn't have it... how have I lost it!

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Today.... i hate you. You had it made. You know you did. I think you took me for granted. Nah i know you did.

Please dont call again, i wont answer. I am not ready to talk to you. Not about anything.

If you dont hurry back you WILL lose me for good, because the longer you arent around the less i need you

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I pity you because I am the best you'll ever do. And that's not just me being cocky. It's the truth. I adored you and seriously, I'm too good looking for you. I meant it when I said you sucked at kissing. Good GOD your tongue was over taking my mouth. I should have known even from something as little as that, that it was doomed to fail.

You cheated on me while I stood outside your door and cried to your sister about how much I loved you. Then you begged me back. Held onto my mom and cried. Then you brokeup with me a week later cause your "too selfish". Your words. Not mine. But then your defenses came out and you couldn't admit to being the one to F it all up so you blamed me. You said all I ever did was want to argue. But truth is, our arguing was the result of YOU not knowing how to communicate. If I didn't like something and expressed it you Blew up. Not me. i don't know how many times I told you not to yell at me and you insisted that you weren't but it was obvious you were. It was annoying. I'd just be quiet to shut you up. I even apologized for things I didn't do wrong to shut you up.

You yelled at me in front of my friend twice! I just walked away then you grew even more mad and demanded I get outside so you could yell at me some more. My friends came out because they couldn't believe what the H was going on. I told you I wasn't doing this. You said fine, I'm done then. I said fine.

I was too nice. I let you walk all over me. I came to your house to check on you cz you didn't have a ride home. You apologized saying it was your fault. I forgave you.

 

It makes me sick how much of a coward you are that you can't even Admit that you messed up. Your so weak that you have to blame everything on me and vocalize it to our mutal friends. I honestly don't care what they think. I know the truth. I dated you, not them.

 

I'm sure your * * * * ing the skank you cheated with. And thats fine because she's nasty and a loser. Like I said, I'm the best you'll ever do. I know someday you'll realize this and try to talk to me. I'm too freakn' nice and will probably hear you out because I'm not like you. I'm kind and no matter how much someone's hurt me I don't have the heart to watch them suffer. But GOD I hope I don't.

 

Can't wait til you leave this town. How free it will feel to not have to worry about seeing you wherever I go.

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it is so freaking hard not to contact him. we used to chat online all day. the urge is overwhelming. it makes me sad. i should probably block him but i dont know if that will help. its good to know i am not the only one feeling this way.

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Today has just been a * * * * show of emotions.

 

I just don't understand how your feelings changed so quickly. I know it was sort of a snow ball effect, and you just couldn't take it anymore, but to just throw away almost 4 years? No part of you can see a future with me? And you said it has nothing to do with your vacation last weekend where you went to see J and her brother W? not only that but you could never admit to me that W was even there, I had to find out from the pictures. The grass isn't always greener, he may be there for you emotionally right now, but I don't think it will last. I'm sorry that I'm bitter about this last part but you're lying to yourself and me if you say this had nothing to do with our break up...

 

Honestly, all of your "confusion" and "uncertainty" is just that you realized there's more men out there, with more to offer, and you're sick of me. But you can't admit it. You still love me? if you actually loved me you would want to be with me, devote time to fixing this, not just tossing it away.... All of my shortcomings over the years have finally broken me, and I'm determined to change them, for me. It sucks that you had to go out of town while I was having the worst week of my life. But then the fact that you came back and didn't care, and then proceeded to dump me...I just don't know what to say to you.

 

I also can't believe how quickly you went from 9-10pm sleeper, 6am waker, to partying until the early morning. Who are you anymore? It sucks that I have to find out about this other guy and your wild nights from other people, I wish I could still be there for you. I just hope you don't change what makes you special, what makes you you, because that is what I loved and accepted as a best friend...

 

I will always care for you, unfortunately I doubt you feel the same. As much as you begged me to stay your friend, and I convinced you that we needed time apart, I doubt you will ever love me like you claimed.

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I Wish you would miss me like I miss you, I wish you'd see us theway I still do as best friends Nd not forget me like a lost puppy. I guess you've just proved yourself unworthy, it's my fault for seeing you on a pedestal and thinking you are so amazing. Bc you never saw me. Wish you luck.

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so.....i went out with the girls tonight......dragged my butt out of the house so i didnt sit all myself and drown my sorrows............went to your usual stompin grounds,,,,,yep part of me secretly hoped you would be there...but the other part knew it was safe cause you have your kid,......wish youd seen me ...... first time in months i have made an effort with my appearance....guess what ...got asked for my number....first time out in months and already asked out....he was cute too.....most likely wont go out with him but still. no actually i definitely wont go out with him. but...next time you never know....might be someone better than you.... so you should wake up and realize what i mean to you. cause really..if i was actually able to talk to someone else, well maybe im moving on....but theres stilll a lot of room for you. youre the only one i want. please please come back.

funny actually, i really did expect a call from you tonight.....disappointed when the missed calls list didnt include your number,,,,, go figure...but when you call in the next few days im not answering...home or not...hopefully not. damn i miss you..

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I don't know why I still care what your doing. Or who your doing it with. I can make my assumptions and like before, I'll probably be right. God it's a curse to have such strong intuition of things. I knew exactly how it'd play out between us. I tried to leave you because I knew you'd cheat with her. You begged me not to leave you. I couldn't. I couldn't see you hurt. And I didn't want to leave. But deep down I knew you were to weak of person to stay faithful, despite all your promises. It only took ONE time being around her for ONE hour. How sick is that? What's more pathetic is that she said she felt sorry for me and she thought I'd like her if I gave her a chance. What kind of SKANK thinks I'd want to befriend someone who spread their legs to my boyfriend while I was outside the room? No class. Neither one of you.

 

Last time we spent together you said there were thing you hadn't told me. Truth was, I knew most of those "things" already. I don't think your stable. It scares me that your in the military. How desensatized you've become. Scary what your future relationships will look like. Scary to invision what OURs would have looked like if I had stayed and changed my whole life for you following you around everywhere.

 

God I'm thankful to be able to get this out because it makes things seem a little clearer. And maybe resentful is the wrong way to feel. Maybe I should be thankful that you saved me from an even worse future with you.

 

The weekend we brokeup I was considering breakingup with you. All I could think and feel was "I can't do this. I can't get over what he did a week ago and act like it never happened". You wanted me to just get over it. You said you didn't want to be criticized the rest of your life for what you did. But it was only a week. I was understandably angry. You never let me FEEL my emotions. It was weird.

 

Honestly, I don't think we ever really knew eachother. It was a pretty picture we pretended with. But it wasn't real. Reality was sinking in and it was too much, too messy I guess. I want to have good feeling about this. I want to be over you enough to wish you well. But I can't right now. I'm still not over what a coward you are.

 

And I REALLY don't get why you asked me who I was seeing. Why care if you walked away? I think you pretend alot of your life. TO me, to our friends. To yourself.

 

Bury yourself in whatever distractions you can but someday you'll think of me. You'll miss me. I dare you to find someone who was as good to you as I was. And then I'd like to shake her hand for being able to put up with you.

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so i left my phone at home yesterday and you'd texted me for the first time since monday telling me some girl we both know is appearing on televison. I wont respond to that because small talk is not what I want. Im NOT happy being just your friend. Im not your friend. You know I want you back. I was looking at books today and nearly bought one for you - why? 'cos part of my delusional mind thinks you might come back with a bit of encouragement. I know deep down you have to come back on your own and its been a month now and you've shown no sign.

i miss you so much my heart is heavy and i feel like my emotions are in agony - they cant take any more

please please plase please please come back

or just dont exist anymore

i cant take it

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For the longest time I wanted to forget about you. Because the very thought of you made me sick to my knees. It wasn't that I didn't love you nor hated you, but for what we lost. I'll never forget it and haven't been able to. I've been dead inside and it didn't matter to me you found yourself someone new, what affected me was how little this all bothered you. It inspired me to write a song and for the first time too. I tore my skin up with ink, to serve as a permanent reminder of where I came from. Imagine of all days it was on your birthday, I think God had a play. I suppose I am still wondering, how did you make it all go away?

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