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To day is day 18 of NC , I’m getting stronger and stronger by each day , Still feel that the relationship was worth saving , but its was your choice , so I’m letting go , I will not be the one thinking was it the right choice , the right decision , you are the one who had the chance to have the person of your dreams , I’m going forward now and going to discover the person I know I am. There is someone out there worthy of my love and inturn will love me for what I am

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I'm saying this because I'm disappointed in you, and because of that I'm legitimately trying to help. I know you're not the analytical type, but this is my analysis, and I know you very well.

 

You sounded so strong and brave that day, while sitting in the grass by our dorm. What you said about wanting to be independent was admirable. You were careful and considerate with what you said that week. It hurt so much, yet I couldn't help but be proud of you.

 

Disappointment tore me up when I saw you never followed through with those intentions. Being alone is a terrible and scary thing. I think you blocked those intentions out and jumped into another relationship to cope. Maybe this relationship is different, but that wouldn't be the first time you've thought that.

 

You are considerate and thoughtful, you are kind and genuine, and you can be amazing and beautiful for the people you care about. Yet your actions can be impulsive, inconsiderate and regretful. You did horrible things to me, but you don't regret, you block those thoughts out instead. You have so many blocked troubling thoughts that you can cause yourself a break-down by dwelling on them.

 

You often say you hate yourself. I know you are a caring person, and you truly have the best intentions. You can be very weak at times by blocking out thoughts of consequences or consideration for others. I think this is what causes you to hate yourself. I believe you can change, and I believe you have the potential to become satisfied with yourself. Maybe it won't happen now, maybe it will never happen, but I'm certain you are capable of it. As we agreed on, a beautiful relationship has two whole independent people who desire to be together.

 

You have had an itch to become independent for a very long time. You had that intention when you left me. I know you are with Mike now, and I'm not telling you what to do. I'm here to tell you that becoming independent is a terribly painful and lonely process, and it probably would be worse for you than me, but I think it would be very beneficial for you in the end. As I said, it's working wonders for how I view myself.

 

I truly hope for the best.

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I'm sorry you're upset about this situation, but I don't know why. I'm not upset because of you, any distress I experience I bring upon myself with my own stupidity.

 

I honestly don't know why you think you have to apologise to me all the time. Why you feel so bad around me - tell me, what have you done that is so bad? You don't have to be this upset and invest so much in making things ok again. I completely understand that you consider me another filthy person, like Shane etc., and I really don't care. I'm not going anywhere.

 

Even if I did disappear, think about it - I'm not one of your close friends, I'm not a person you care about deeply; I'm not Amy. Just because I live close to you and you got desperate enough to have sex with me a few times doesn't mean you owe me anything or need to apoloigise. I was complicit in this - a consenting adult.

 

I'm not Kit. I don't want to be lumped into some group of girls you've managed to pick up that you lie to, cheat on and use to fill the time when you can't find anything better to do. So if there's anything you can do - it's not do this to me.

 

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and apologising to me. We both know what the situation is, we're not stupid. Go and reconnect with the love of your life. All the best.

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I have crazy urge to call you right now.

Must be the result of me talking to my ex (whom I dumped cos I was still hung up on you)

Darn you. Why do I still love you? It's been a year =(

So it's like my emotions are conflicted bc I know you're so bad for me and I CAN'T call you but that doesn't change this need to just hear your voice. God I know how the convo will go down and nothing will be accomplished and it'll end up with me and you arguing and you making me hurt.

I just... It's still hard. This is ridiculous. I wish I could be truly free from you.

 

The script's songs speak of my heart.

 

Exit wounds and nothing.

Edited by lalalollipops
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If you really wanted me to stay in your life, if you really 'loved me', then you should have asked me to stay. You hung up that phone blaming me for causing all the drama, blaming me for causing us to go on a break and blaming me for you getting ill. It's like you never really knew me at all Zac. When I come back from Australia I think we're done, I don't know yet but I can't cope with this and you. I'm sorry but I won't put up with this relationship anymore.

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I'm posting this because I'm spitting mad!

 

Not at you any longer.

 

I'm mad at myself for wallowing in unhappiness for a month and a half.

 

I stopped living and enjoying life when YOU decided to jump ship!

 

I need to get my act together and soon.

 

Sitting in negativity day after day is draining.

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^ Right there with you

I don't know what to tell my ex, I feel like I don't know him anymore, it's been quite a while but I don't think there's anything I miss, if I get upset I get upset because the rlationship was traumatic to me, the breakup was also traumatic and I suffer sometimes from post trauma, but I think that's it, no looking back, i want a good man, someone new someone who won't hurt me and someone fresh and exciting, your days are goone my friend, go on with yur lif do hatever meet whatever I don't care, cuz I don't think I know who you are, what I kew was someone who wanted me but it turned out that's not you, so whatever boy, go do your thing & I'll do mine.. Days and time will heal I'm sure, and with time I know I'll get to that place where nothing you do could possibly hurt me, never again will you hurt me I won't allow it..

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dear ex,

 

It's been 2 days now. How dare you break up with me when i didn't do anything. I gave you chance after chance after chance these past 2 months and YOU break up with ME? Everyone said it's because you thought i would leave you and you didn't want to be the dumpee so you had to end it before I did.

 

You have some serious issues. I mean YOU are the one in therapy, you have anger issues, you are on meds, etc. I was nothing but loving, sweet, caring, kind, forgiving, and passionate about you.

YOU are f****ing ***hole. You crtiticized me about my looks. Really? UM you are short and have the smallest you-know-what I've ever seen.

You say I have no motivation in my life and don't like to learn. Really??? I went to college and grad school, got straight A's, have 2 part time jobs and I'm looking for a full time job in my field.

You called my mom ditzy because of her religion. Really?? You actually insulted my mother?

 

You hide things from me. You say I don't understand you yet you don't say anything about yourself. How can I understand you when you don't talk about what you are doing and what happened in your life?

 

You didn't visit me when I was in the hospital for 4 days. You never even called or texted. NEVER even asked at any point how I was feeling or doing. The you had the nerve to tell me that it was no big deal and I needed to get over it. Wow really? I could have died.

 

You get annoyed if I want to spend time on the phone with you. You always say you are busy or are doing something but you are unemployed! You answer your text messages with 1-2 word answers. You never ask me how my day was.

 

You only want to see me once a week. Why? You have all the time in the world. And I ask to see you and you tell me no?

 

You talk about your ex's. say that you are not over her. wow so why are you dating me?

 

You tell me we don't have much in common. i ask if you want to be with me and you say you are unsure. and then you just say you have to go and keep me wondering. really? why do you have to put me through that?

 

And after ALL this behavior, you get annoyed that I seem insecure. WHY DO YOU THINK I AM INSECURE? LOOK AT HOW YOU TREAT ME, IT IS YOUR FAULT. DUH. If you would talk to me a little more, stopped criticzing me, stopped talking so much about your ex's and saw me a little more often i would ot be insecure.

 

and after I put up with ALL this from you, giving you all these chances, letting things slide, you end up dumping me because I annoyed you when I wanted to talk to you and you weren't responding. seriosuly???

 

 

**** you.

No girl will ever put up with your crap.

And you wonder why your ex left you?

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I think youre a liar. Remember how you told me how you had never loved anyone? How you could actually see yourself falling in love with me? Well I know you did. Thats why you run everytime we get close. Suck it up and live with it and accept it. And all those times that you told me how this was way too good to be true and how you keep waiting for the happiness and attention to end? I dunno...call me insecure and needy, but thats sounds kind of the same - different reaction but same fear as me. So what if I grabbed hold tight and didnt want you to go. Every argument we ever had, you had to run. It was h*** on my emotions wondering if this was the last time you would come back. Maybe if you learned how to communicate, that ridiculous argument never would have happened.

 

I agree it was good of you to walk away in the middle of our argument. So what if I kept you here. Maybe if youd quit running and take a chance (and the chance I know you want), you'd see the insecurity disappear. You really cant blame it on me. For months, you wanted to be around me almost everyday. You worried that I was thinking we spent too much time together.

What a role reversal huh? You got me, and you knew you had me so youu started to play a stupid game. So much for the next person you meet (me) being the last one huh.

 

Youre so funny. you are the most confident, funny, smart sexy man I know. Why is it that you never felt worthy of me? I swear that started the downhill spiral. You know I love you. No I dont just think I do. Think about it. Think about how patient I was with you and everything I did for you. Women dont do those things for the heck of it. And you always had to compare yourself to my exes. Good god.

I always felt like I kept having to prove my love to you.

 

Anyhow, you really peeve me off. You bailed on me. You just left. You know how badly in need of you I am right now and you just left. It sucks. But knowing you, Im guessing this is just another test to see how bad. Well betcha Im failing huh! Failing cause im not hounding you like you expect! Sure I fell off the wagon once and called you. You made it clear you didnt want to see me so I left you. Funny stuff how I get an email three days later huh?

 

You know we should be together and if we'd just move this along, then we could be great. And btw, I saw right through that email of yours. Just being nice huh? Offering me those things from your house cause I could use them? I havent had that for three years, come on now....sure I could last a little longer without them. And you throw everything else out so dont be stupid. Its an excuse for seeing me . You know it and I know it. If ensures we have one more meetup. You are silly. I dont believe for one second that you are as done as you think or say you are. But I will let you figure that out for yourself. I know you, and when you are done, there is no more contact. Calling you out on it really touched a nerve eh! gueess thats why you cant pick a day for me to come.

 

Anyhow, I know you will be in touch again (most likely this week, I call wednesday or thursday). Possibly monday, since it'll be an excuse for you wondering when I am coming to pick up those things.

I am going to try my damnest to not respond. Im so glad I have a couple things planned for early this week cause it will be easier to fight the temptation.

 

I know this isnt the last time we will see each other, but man I need you to miss me and realize what we have. I am not going to kiss your a$$ anymore. easier said than done I know. but just hurry up and realize it ok. I love you.

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No amount of me will forget what's happened and I struggle with it every day. I try forgetting, I do. Even the tiniest shred of me hopes I would have seen some sign you're a human being who understands what I am saying, hoping that you'd know my pain and what I've gone through.

 

It bothers me to think you had so little faith in me, so little desire to be with me that the relief of it all actually had you laughing at me. Looking so hard for an escape, I thought we were more than that. I don't expect any of this to matter now and I know I am merely pestering. It's a shame I miss you after all we've been through and I know you don't feel the same. I guess, I don't get how you were able to forget so easily.

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My dreams are out of control. Sometimes I hate going to sleep because I always dream of you in some way and I just wake up feeling sad. Last night I dreamed I was at your house, we were in your bed cuddling, It was great. I felt really happy- like I used to when we cuddled, especially in the beginning of us. I think it was Winter or Fall- a 'cozy' season. I always hear that word and think of you, think of being in your room, with the lights dimmed, a movie on....you guys always would use that word- cozy- its crazy how a stupid word can bring me back to a time, a place, a feeling....And in the dream I was there with your mom, she was SO happy to see me, and I was so glad to see her. We hugged and were crying and she said how much she missed me and i said the same. It made me realize I really do miss your family. I hate that. I just miss my old life with you, the old days....being us. :sigh: I hate dreaming of you. It sucks.

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Cant believe you!!!! Im sooo mad at you!!! Not even a Happy 4th text!! Im better without you!! You think you have me... maybe you do.... but you know what??? Im done with you!!! You are going to beg me to come back. And I will say to you..... !!

Edited by DN
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yup i called it. You emailed me today. well im not answering. you can call me and try and sort this out. We love each other so knock it off. i await your 'fine then, sorry for being nice email' Three days? maybe four? I can read you like a book. Are you shocked that im not answering? Im not giving you reason to prove your decision right.

I miss you like ive never missed anyone. Thank god its summer...at least I can sunbathe and pretend like i dont care. why oh why would you give me those...? if it was me and i was done I'd give them to someone else............Youre done remember? maybe with time we can be friends? thats what you said. why dont you just follow through? cause youre not done. I love you. I miss you. i hope i see you soon.

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I wonder if you miss me at all. If I even cross your mind. If your having too much of a good time with life, enjoying the company of other girls....maybe spending the today with the rebound you gave up on us for, even though I know you two broke up. I wonder if you'll look at the fire works tonight and think of me, think of last year how we were suppose to spend the day together, but never got the chance. I wonder if you're with your family, if you'll go into town with them and see the fireworks, maybe spent today at your Aunt's with your cousins. I still never did get to meet them. Makes me sad. I can't help but wonder if you think of me. miss me. If your ever lonely and long for me....or are you so far over that? Over us. I bet that's closer to the truth. Your the worst. I regret ever wasting my time on you, wasting my dreams on you.

 

I do hope you miss me. I think you will. Your a lonely lonely person, you could spend time with a hundred girls...but it will fade away. I know it will. It won't last. And when it's all said and done, when the dust settles, when your alone again I hope you think of me, miss me, long for me. And I hope to God I am never there.

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did you read my mind???? You just called? wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you too. I wonder if you left a message. Im so so glad i was on the phone! Cause you know i would have answered. and i dont want to cry today. I hope I dont stop talking to my friend for a while so I dont cave and call you back. i still do love you though. but i think im sorta gaining my power back. or maybe youre just calling to "make sure that i got your email"

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ugh! i felt so strong and powerful last night. Are you wondering where I was or why i didnt answer? Maybe you dont care. sigh. Calling me is a step though. thats for sure. First time you have done that...ever i am sure. wish you had left a msg though. if only to just hear your voice. and well now I cant help but wonder why you called. Oh well, hopefully there will be a next time.

And Im having the girls over this afternoon so wont have you to focus on.

oh and my appt went pretty good today. You would have been proud. Too bad you never even bothered to ask...

So hurry it up already, come to me and profess your love. Talked with M today about you and M is kinda bothered and sad over our situation too. Sigh................

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still need to vent...

 

4 days NC now. i had the urge to call or text you yesterday and today. i thought maybe i did in fact overreact when you didn't answer those text messages and i got all mad at you. BUT you can't possibly break up with me over that! there HAD to have been a lot of other reasons you ended it. so it would make no sense for me to apologize and try to work it out. i already did try to call you when you ended it. you made it clear not to ever contact you again. so I am going to remember that and not ever contact you.

I mean after all, YOU criticized me a lot, YOU cancelled dates on me for no good reason, YOU were the one in a bad mood and taking it out on me, YOU gave me the silent treatment and withheld you affection and communication at times, YOU atlked about your ex's a lot.

 

soo you can't possibly be so mad at me when I didn't do much. and even if i did overreact to you not texting me back, YOU did all these horrible things to me.

 

therefore don't expect me to come back to you when you were the one treating me bad. i will not chase after you if you don't care about me.

 

so goodbye

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You won. You have everything now. You strung me along. Packed me and my things up and brought me to this continent. We disagreed; we fought. You found the excuse you've been looking for "months". And you called it over.

 

After only one month.

 

I'm still on this continent; with a backpack, a laptop, and a camera. That's all I've got. Everything else is in the shipping containers still on their way.

 

It's all yours now. I can't afford to ship it all back. Anyway, ship it back to what?

 

I dropped my apartment for this. I dropped mu job for this. I even dropped my friends for this. This. This dream move of yours to live and work on another continent.

 

You're living your dream now.

 

Now I'm living a nightmare.

 

It's an opportunity for me to travel, but I can't enjoy it. I'm a sad, depressed, wrecked excuse of a man. Homeless, because my home was with you.

 

You did this to me you heartless, thoughtless, insensitive * * * * * .

 

I did this to myself by thinking that you were better than you are.

 

I kept coming back to you. What was I thinking?

 

What's worse is that you've stripped me of my pride, confidence, sense of security, and heart.

 

It was nice knowing you.

 

It is hell leaving you.

 

* * * * you.

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i am not going to call you, fat hope. who do you think you are? that all women must run after you, heart broken?

you think you are young and handsome? you are quite fat, you are not well built, you are lazy you don't work out, you have receding hairline, your hair is thinning, not that i mind all these, but look, you are not the very good looking type ok? and you are getting old. and is not like you are very well to do. i make my own money too, so it is truly truly your pure luck that i have a thing ( stupid enough ) for you. you admitted it was your pure luck that i fell for you, you will live to regret this, i assure you.

it is over between us, i will tell myself this everyday so that i could accept it faster. i am leaving to another state to start a better life, to get myself a nice big palace to stay. i was willing to stay in a small place because of you. since you didn't cherish me, you deserve losing me. ha, i know you must be sad too. serve you right!

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