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Nynnja
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Why can't I let go of these memories of you?

 

Remember when I had visited you in Austin, we curled up on the bus bench to keep warm during the cold winter? Remember walking the streets of Austin holding hands and looking for that sushi restaurant? I remember taking that long bus ride home and crying because I didn't want to leave you to go back home. I remember going to Aquarium with you and being so happy seeing all the marine life I loved. But some where along the line... you fell out of love with me. In that email you sent me you said you loved me, but I can tell it was not sincere... You used me for a month and knew my weaknesses. You knew how to exploit my feelings and you did. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that... You knew I'd trust you till the end and look where it got me! You kept on bringing up your feelings and how you were concerned about how other people though of you. What about me? What about my feelings? You say you care... but lady... You're not the woman I fell in love. Now you are just like your mother, the woman who cheated and made your father's life a living hell. I can't believe it. You of all people... I hope you are happy with the person you've become.

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Ive had a relapse...I'm missing you more and more now days it seems. I want to tell you how crappy you're making me, updating your facebook saying her name like 5 times? was that necessary? Rub it in much?! Well just for that I took you off my newsfeed so I dont have to see your name on my phone anymore. I'm not over this, Im not ok. Part of me wants to tell you and hope you'd feel like crap. But I know you wouldnt. You knew I still had feelings for you when you first started seeing her. It didnt make a difference then, so it wont now.

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I know I shouldn't miss you anymore Miles but I do. I thought I was fully over you but I'm not. I'm trying to move on now and I've met someone else and he appears to be twice the time better for me than you were, something I didn't think could ever happen, but he is. I just miss the way we were though I miss you singing to me over video, I can't really listen to wonderwall without thinking of you, and last night I just broke down, I miss us a lot. I know you've moved on, and I'm trying to with Z but I don't know if I'm ready to. He's said he's not going to rush me into anything, but I wish I could have the same strength of feeling he has for me, instead I'm still about a 1/10 caught up on you as last night showed. I realised how badly I was in love with you, and that sounds crazy but even C agrees with me that I was in love with you, you meant that much to me. I miss you Miles but I need to move on an work on this new relationship I have that more people have faith in to work than ours. I know I've changed from how I was with you, and I don't know if that's good or bad but I'm not who you fell for anymore. I don't know what to do Miles, and I'll figure it out, but just know that I miss you.

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i saw the interior design major that loved her family and loved animals..off the adderall. being a doctor wasn't important to me. it was you that was important to me

 

i was wrong, and its your choice to choose the life you are leading, the Life of an addict.

 

overall, i understand everything now,...i was a fool to hold onto such an idealistic thought and base our relationship on your healing to the woman i knew this summer. Well i understand why matt treats you the way he does, and i understand why you want a pushover of a "husband" to ask how high whenever you say jump.

 

i am tempted to treat you in the disrespectful way matt does now, because thats honestly how i see you now after this whole situation. but you know me, i'm the type of guy that has never been to a strip club, am a class act, and what i pride a relationship on is mutual life-growth and enjoyment.

 

Love you always cc, from a distance

 

-Lee

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I really feel in my heart that you don't think of me for one second, 6 years and I know that you are probably glad I have gone, finally. It's been 2 weeks and I guess you are settling into your relationship with her and loving it. I was so good to you and you even knew that but it wasn't enough. NC won't bring you back because you don't want to come back, if you did you would have sent another text since the one 6 days ago, you would be making an effort, you would be here with me instead of her. I don't know all the facts they are just assumptions right now. But I don't know this time it just feels different. Maybe it's me that's changed and not you. Maybe I am accepting this even though I still want you to contact me. I feel so vulnerable right now, I feel safe in my house or if I am with other people, but alone outside I can't do that yet, I will try tomorrow though. I think the biggest thing I feel is disappointment, that after all this time I meant nothing to you.

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Dumped me Feb 26th.

 

Saw you with him Feb 27th.

 

Your explanation email Feb 28th.

 

My f-off email March 1st.

 

Today, thank God, is a new month.

 

Goodbye to March 2011 forever.

 

Chapter closed.

 

I saw you driving around with the girl I love and I"m like F-you and F-her too!!! *thanks I needed a wee bit of a smile today* =D

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I still miss you despite everything. I still wonder what you're doing and who you're spending your free time with. But I accept that I am not part of your life. It hurts but its getting easier. I really think I have turned the corner in my healing. Not like you care, I wish you did. I would love it if you contacted me, but I won't contact you.

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Are you effing happy now? I'm gone, out of your life, another annoyance you don't have to deal with. Forget me, forget that I existed. I'm not here anymore, the girl you knew died. I've got no identity now, because of how deep you sunk your hooks into me. You got what you wanted-move on, stop talking to me. Don't text me. Stop calling. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear your excuses. It only hurts me more with every word you say. So just go, and ignore me. I'll never love again, so don't go around spreading your bs about how it's all your fault things got bad. I know it's my fault, I know how you acted around me.

 

I should have told you to just forget it the day you yanked your hand from mine and said you didn't like holding hands in public. I should have realized by the way you looked at me that you never honestly loved me. I was a fool for saying all the things I said, how you made me happy and how I loved you more and all that. I was a fool for thinking that a cheap-A teddy bear meant you loved me at all, it just meant you were getting rid of trash. I am just another stupid girl who you played with your lies, I highly doubt that ex of yours actually cheated on you. You've ruined everything and stamped my heart in, so just get the **** out of my life.

 

I saw the b you added to your facebook and i saw what she posted. She's hot, she's got what you want, and she's a * * * * . Go for her, I don't honestly care.

 

You're a jerk and a looser. I hope that you die, because if you did it would be so much easier for me to forget you. I will never forgive you, but if you would kindly please just f-off I will forget you ever existed.

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Darn after everything that's happened you still have the nerve to call me? You just can not respect my wishes can you? It's still all about you. Well bub, take the hint; eff off.

 

I wonder how many calls I'll have to reject lol. Wonder how persistent you will be this time around. Kinda random cos it's been 4 months NC on my end so you just stay the eff out of my life.

 

You no longer have the power to bend me. My heart feels light. I am finally free.

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Day 32. Today was the hardest in weeks.

 

Why were you so insecure? What did you need and why didn't you ask?

 

You hurt me so deep. I still have no idea why you left me for him.

 

We were so good. But you went away and forgot me, stopped loving me.

 

If that was your idea of a rough patch, darlin, you haven't got a clue.

 

My love was so tangible, real. I was always honest and true to you.

 

April is the cruelest month.

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So here i am,

 

a little drunk.

 

my folks and family went to rugby sevens and i woke this morning and played tat stupid * * * * in game world of warcraft. I got this stupid ahcv called Insane in the Membrane and i doubt u know what that is but trust when i say its kinda sad...

 

i necked a bottle of white wine and cried myelf stupid.

 

i got into the car with my folks and was headed to rugby 7's which, by the way, - in case u give a * * * * in ur self-indulged life - is the last time its guna be in SA, an i said, hey, ya kno what? cud u jus drop me home? an i walked to a drive in and got a crazte of Pue Blonde. I went round and saw Anne and she was not happy. She was mad cos i had given up. i had jus said b ollcosk to the last few weeks. but in my head, it seemed right, cos u were guna be back. i knew u were.

 

were u * * * * .

 

i love u beyond belief and i know, and have ccepted that deep down,m u will always be a part of me and wlaways be with me, i cant help tjha or chnge tht. thats fine. u know what, fine. ive accepted it. every single day, i dont know what im guna get, sum days are good,some days are * * * * ing awful, but i realise that is the way its guna be. every single day a new struggle, a new fight and new day.

 

u r not the person i thought or once beluieved u to be. if u wre, i would not be drinking today wishing that i had never met u, wishing that i could stop crying over someone who is a completel * * * * * * * and * * * * up, someone who told me what i wanted to hear for their own gain.

 

* * * * KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK why do i stoll miss u?? i know ur in HIS bed and with HGIM doing things onlyt me and u shouod be doing but u stll havent woken have u, u still dont get it.

 

in a sinister way i hope u dnt get it. not for at least a few years, when it does hit u, i want u to imagine me, imagine me, think of me, the man who swam the english channel, ran the marathons, did the three peaks, did everything not for u, for me, but dont forget that was the man u fell for and the man u changed into what i wnatewd him to be. when he was what u wanted u to be, u * * * * ed off and left him in a polace a wouldnt wish upon anyone.

 

if i had one wish i would wish for ten more, if i had one wish and one wish only, i wish i had tghe strength to know u werent right from day one.

 

u are my baby girl and i wish to * * * * i could hold u but after everything u have out me through i wonder how u live wish yourself. one day u wull wake upo. one day u will feel what i feel.

 

\i think im guna break out into song and make a complete * * * of myslf so b4 i do that, one last message

 

F U C K Y O U .

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You looked like hell tonight, B. What's happened to you? You've aged 20 years since we split up. It must kill you that I've never looked or felt better about myself, that you can't orgasm with anybody else, and still fantasize about me.

 

I'm not only not attracted to you anymore, I'm actually repulsed by you. You look sick and old and nerdy, though not in that "cute nerd" way.

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Okay, I'm stuck. What do I do? I don't know and I'm getting damn sick of people telling me I know the answer already. Ugh.

 

I miss you - alot. There I said it.

 

Received your two messages and your desire to contact me. It appears you know that you did me wrong because you keep telling me that if I say no then that's okay. What??

 

You are pleadiing with me to make contact just once and you need to clear you mind about something you did to me. There are alot of things you did, nothing comes to mind.

 

I wish I still had my female friends, the one's that left me to deal with you. They don't like you very much and are fairly disgusted that I don't see you for what you are. Crazy.

 

So what do I do? I figure I'm strong enough to contact you but why chance it? What good do I get out of continuing NC? Isn't there suppose to be a time for talking and possible reconcilliation? Ugh.

 

Tired of feeling this way. For now, I'll continue you NC and forget about opening any more messages.

 

Either come back right or stay the hell away.

 

Still dont' feel any better. Ugh.

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7 days since your last text and 14 since contact from me, I keep thinking maybe you will send me something else because you haven't got a response from me, but now I really don't think you will. I actually feel you are over me already and that makes me feel sick, the fact that I meant nothing.

 

6 years no matter what happened is a long time, can you just forget me like that just like someone you just met?

 

Are you waiting for me now? is that why you don't send anything else? do you think I am playing a game this time? I still hope that when realisation sets in that I have gone this time that it would at least mean something to you.

 

I want you to realise you made a mistake and that you were wrong and that you do love me, do want me but just got angry and couldn't deal with things the way they were, and you just needed space to breathe and to realise yourself - that will stay in the back of my mind for months no doubt, I don't think hope ever dies.

 

But for now I move on . . .

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I had a dream I woke up with you in my arms. I miss you a lot today.

 

I've been thinking about some of the things you've said. And I don't think I was being fair. When you broke up with me, you were seeking separation, but I was pushing to get us back together. It was not fair to you as I was ignoring your request. I'm sorry for that.

 

I think I'll eventually get over you. But definitely doesn't feel like it right now.

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I am not sure what to do with this new information, laugh or cry? Let me think about it for a second....ok its a huge LMAO! Calling an adult massage place? How desperate are you? LOL Guess your not seeing someone, good. You made your decision live with it "L". We always had a fantastic sex life, guess thats all your missing is it? But at least you're not reaching out to me for it. I guess its not as expensive as it would be if you decided to try and get our relationship back. You know I would charge you full price (I want it all, living together, being a couple, etc.) not just the physical part. And thats something no amount of money can replace. You might have lots of money burning a hole in your pocket, but you have been emotionally broke for a long time. Shame.

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Dear S,

I woke up missing you so much and spent the next three hours thinking of you and crying. My heart is aching, my pillow is drenched. I don't want to deal with the world- there is no life force in me now that you're gone. last night was just so crappy all the things you said and texted to me "I'm done. Don't ever contact me again.". You ripped a whole in my heart and the wound is still bleeding, oozing out slowly. I wish it was one fast rip like a band aid- but I've been through this before and it takes time, strength and God. I have plans to meet my girlfriends for lunch but I don't know if I'm stable enough to see them

Or go out. My eyes are so puffy from crying and crying.

You've said you love me so many times, so why did you give up on us? You said I drove you away bc I always got upset or cried too much and everytime I do cry you say I have issues, I'm not stable, I'm full of hate and venom. You eroded my sense of self. I am not hateful, I'm not full of venom, I tried to be better at managing my temper by going to classes. I've worked so hard to be better and it's still not enough for you. I told you I've tried my best and you said i havent. all along it's not ME that was unhappy with YOU, it's YOU who was unhappy with me. I miss you so much still. You're a good man and I can't hate you. Ill miss everything about you, but I simply cannot continue to feel so badly about who I am.

 

I never said this to you while we were together, I never said I love you. Looking back I loved you with every cell, my love was pure and true and I wouldnT have let you go if I knew you loved me for me.

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At least you didn't say "why do you care if I'm sick or not? What's it to you?" or say I was nagging. The comment about both of us knowing you'd find a way to blame me if you did have a heart attack was pretty funny, though. You do blame me for everything - from your lying to your thinning hair.

 

You know I'm going to bug you about going to the doctor and getting that stress test done now that you mentioned it. That pasty skin means one of two things - you've been in Seattle too long or you aren't getting enough blood circulation. You don't exercise (no time to check on yoga, but lots of time to check dating sites.. come on). You don't have sex. You don't eat right. Sitting at home watching movies, going out to eat and drink with friends. Yeah, I'll out live you by decades and miss you every day.

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