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Nynnja
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1st of April, and i am the fool.

is it wrong i want you to be sad, i wish you were, i want that text message, send me a text message, in some twisted way i would be ok with that, it would validate my feelings. i know you are strong, but show me some love and weakness, open up to me, we can move forward then, you cant flippantly move on just like that, just acknowledge my pain

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Why is this whole thing bothering me so much? I hate that I read waaaay too much into it. But I am one of those people who can't let stuff go! It's gonna really gnaw at me wondering why you went out of your way and had your sister message me last week to text you. I don't understand it. Because now that you have my number its not like you use it anyway- so WTH? What was the point? Heck if you did loose my number- SO? You didn't use it anyway- clearly didn't intend to use it now because you would have actually made conversation with me when I reached out to you. Really what was the point of that?? I wish I wasn't one of those people who obsessed over things but this is really annoying me!!

 

I just want to know WHY?! I guess you could have just wanted to be friendly- I don't know- maybe feel me out and see if I would show you I was still interested. I don't know. I know I didn't do that right away- I played it off, acted friendly- maybe it confused you- I don't know. But really what the heck was I supposed to say? You made it SO clear to me in January that you didn't want us, didn't want me- even after I begged for another chance- did you really expect me to do that again? To bring up the relationship? What did you want from me? I have SO many questions right now- they are really friggin killing me! And I hate that I have this STRONG urge to just text you- to make conversation with you. Before this whole thing I had FINALLY let that go. I honestly can say I had NO desire to text you after I went NC in February. But now? This is killing me. I just want to know for sure. But I know I can't just come out and ask you these things. And I know if I try to make small talk again that will just be weird, and uncomfortable and probably make me feel worse.

 

I am so at a loss. WHY do I still have these feelings? I haven't even heard your voice in....74 days! WOW! So WHY in the world can't I let go? I can't stop holding on to NOTHING! I really am- I'm holding on to absolutly NOTHING! You haven't even given me a CRUMB- more like a microscopic particle of hope! What is wrong with me!!!

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I wish you would stop playing games with my heart.

Lol it makes me feel sick to my stomach that after everything, you feel no guilt and you're still manipulating me.

 

Anyway, I'll be alright. I'm determined to keep moving forward bc I'm doing GOOD, and I ain't gonna falter.

 

Not ever.

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And don't you know

 

That you,were the one that made me strong

You made me stand up on my own

With every cruel intention

You help me find my independence

It's all because of you

That I have the strength, I do

To turn my pain to passion

Instead of crashin

Boy I'm thankin you

Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh

Boy I'm thankin you

Ahh ha ha ha ahh oh

 

Looking back on how you changed me

Everytime you try to put me down

Even though you really hurt me

Underneath, myself is what I found

Take a look inside these eyes now

Say the things you wanna say to me

Cause I've already spread my wings out

And your the one, the one who set me free

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You're just like the rest of them, you jerk! I went back to my old ex today because of you, and at least he's willing to talk to me! You're a liar and an ***hole, I can't believe I trusted you with my heart! Never again! You can go back to playing your little games and pretending to care, if I killed myself tonight you wouldn't give a **** you big fat Fing retard! I hate you so much and you can take back your offer of friendship because as far as I'm concerned we are THROUGH, DONE WITH. You say we're not compatible and you say that we're not meant to be and all those lines, when I really know you were probably cheating on me! Everything was going fine until you walked into my life, I had gotten over ex no. 1 and was starting to be happy and then you just knock the dominos down. You want to know why I hate everyone? Because of ***wipes like you, you... god **** it I really need someone and you're not helping and neither is my old ex.

 

So just stay out of my life until you're ready to be straight with me, douchebag! Good bye and good riddance, can't say it was a pleasure because to be honest with you, you only wanted me for the sex!

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I gave you 5 years of my life for you to throw my heart around and leave and come back more times than I can count. I love you more than I want to admit, you were my life..all I had. I cant believe you did this to me. You made me insecure then you turn around and go after THAT thing? Enjoy ur life you will never know what you have taken from me.

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I was too good to you. I gave everything to you - especially my love and affection. And then you just threw it all away. I don't deserve that. I was the best thing that has ever happened to you and I hope I ruined all future relationships for you. No one will ever come close to how much I loved you.

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I still am in love with you, but I'm wearing my mask. Yes, you'll see me grin and smile in your presence. I refuse to cry or break down in front of you. You won't have that satisfaction.

 

Know that I am truly hurting deeply on the inside, I went to school like a zombie. All my friends gathered round, but because I'm so emotionally withdrawn kept their distance. Yes, you see me smiling, talking to our mutual friends at the table, and being overall just a regular girl. But what I wish so desperately to show you is the little girl who's right now crying her eyes out and refusing to eat, because you don't care. If you cared, you wouldn't have left me.

 

'Just friends' means 'hating your guts in a month' when you see each other daily. So I've lost hope for my future as well, and have been fighting off the urge to just end it. Again, I fell for your kind's empty promises of love and happiness when all that really was, was a coffin meant for my heart. I had just started to love again, now this? It's the reason girls like me give up all hope of every having happiness. Never again will I fall for this, fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice? And it is I who is the fool. I did NOT deserve to have you basically treat me as my old ex did, but I admit I walked straight into this one.

 

'Oh, babe, I love you. Oh, I'm so happy with you. You're the only one for me.'

 

Then I let you see the girls, and it's all over with a fake promise of friendship? What kind of effing fricktard does that to a girl? You got second base, like heck you'll ever get that close again. Never again, I am DONE with men!

 

Please, either leave me alone or come back to me, but don't play this cruel game on my emotions. I would prefer it, if you want to be this way, if you would just stay away from the table and away from me. I am a mess right now, and I desperately want you to see it, but you know what? It'll kill you more inside to think that I never cared, that I'm happy with being friends, that everything I said was a lie. I will tend to my wounds in a safe place, and hide my emotions while you suffer the loneliness you've condemned yourself to.

Edited by dedem
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I have to see you tonight.

Scratch that...I'm choosing to see you tonight.

Why? I don't know.

All I do know is that it's been almost 6 months since we broke up.

And while I am doing a heck of a lot better than I was a few months ago....I don't know if I can handle this yet.

UGH.

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I spent the last hour looking at pictures of us that were on my computer. I had them on my other user name- and was switching music over to this name...and found the picture folder and yea....bad idea. I've been crying a bit. It's frustrating. But maybe therapeutic. After looking at those pictures, and examining them carefully....I realized a few things. Number one- we both looked so happy. Because we both WERE so happy. I know I was happier then I have ever been, and I'm pretty sure same goes for you. And then I got to thinking.....and when I look at pictures of you now- or not even from now- because I haven't seen any pictures of you recently....but from lets say the last few months we were 'together' or even from right after we called things off.....you didn't look happy like that. I didn't look happy like that. I think the happy faded. You weren't enthusiastic about us- and neither was I. There were 2 pictures of us from Halloween that I found- last time we took a picture together- and those pictures were SO forced on your end. I can see it. You didn't want to be there taking those pictures next to me. That night was pretty bad- we fought most of the time. It was just not good for us....but looking at the pictures say back to....December 09 I can see a difference. I can see how the spark was just gone. It kinda hurts me, but kinda of makes me feel okay at the same time. Like maybe this was for the best, because I can imagine it would have gotten worse.

 

Another thing these pictures make me realize....as I look at you, I look at me....I realize- I am so different now. Sure its the physical things that I notice- my hair color, clothes, the way I shaped my eye brows, heck even down to the make up I used.....but I have changed SO much- and NOT just on a physical level. Those physical things like clothes, only serve as markers in my life to the changes that have happened to the person inside. I remember how naive I was back in 2009- I was just a naive girl. I thought I wasn't- but I definitely was. It makes me realize how far I've come, how much I've grown and experienced since then. And maybe you were just a part of that experience. A life lesson I needed to learn. Its difficult for me took look at you like that- but maybe so. I can't even imagine going back to being that girl now. Though all I've wanted for the last few months is to turn the clock back to 2009, do I REALLY want that? I've learned a lot about myself in that year and a half time. I don't think I would change some of the lessons I've learned.

 

Looking at these pictures- it was bitter sweet. I can look back on them, and they do make me smile a bit- in a wistful way. I miss the happy innocence that came with these pictures and these times in my life. I wish I could get that feeling back, but I realize even if we were to be together again- THAT feeling wouldn't come back. It was the newness, the excitement. You were my first love. I can't recreate that- even if it was with you. I know I was not your first love.....though you did tell me I was the 'love of your life' but who knows if that was true. Perhaps I was the biggest love you had up until that point. There will probably be more for you.....and I like to believe there will be more for me too. Greater, more powerful loves.

 

Time....I think it's left us behind. Its hard to look at you as part of my past. But you are. I hope I can get to the point where I can smile about it, about the memories we have and the time we were together. It would be nice to be able to do that.

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So I've missed three calls from you these two days- one rejected.

 

 

Darn pressing reject call felt GOOD.

 

You can 'follow me till death" for all I care (while listening to you say that over and over in the voicemail, I rolled my eyes and loled)... I ain't gonna look back.

You seriously expect me to believe your words? Those words that never meant ANYTHING?

 

Onwards and upwards, like hell, I'm not ever looking back.

 

 

 

 

P.S. While listening to that voicemail, I thought back to things. oh how I loved you.

Your voice still has the ability to draw you in.

But life goes on.

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I kept listening to that voicemail yesterday. You really are good with words. And you really are a brilliant actor. Your message seemed so genuine... so heartfelt. Just enough, not over the top or too held back.

 

 

But I know what you're doing. And I'm no longer gonna be THAT girl.

 

I really loved you T. I really really did. My love for you consumed me. It permeated every pore, every fibre in my body.

But. Life is about letting go of things, and you're never going to be in my life anymore. I will never allow it again.

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i am so bad now, i had my music on and have shriveled up, i love the music, its amazing, it makes me think of you and smile, and i am happy, and i think of the amazing loving times we had, cuddled in bed, all my fave music reminds me of you...i have had an amazing time, had a cry! i hope you are listening to the same songs too, i know they will touch you, i love you. take your time be happy, but be happy with me please, hold me to the music

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