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Day 1 NC is almost over, how did u go 1 day without talking to me?

I deleted u off FB because I was checking on u every 10 minutes, guess what now? I type ur name in the search and stare at ur thumbnail profile pic...remember when u used to ask me if u made me smile today? Well today for the 1st time in a year, u didnt!

I miss watching u fall asleep

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Day 1 NC is almost over, how did u go 1 day without talking to me?

I deleted u off FB because I was checking on u every 10 minutes, guess what now? I type ur name in the search and stare at ur thumbnail profile pic...remember when u used to ask me if u made me smile today? Well today for the 1st time in a year, u didnt!

I miss watching u fall asleep

 

this just made me sad.....i used to love laying next to her while she slept next to me...used to feel so lucky....!

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Day 30. * * * * you.

 

love it.

 

anyway,

 

you suck for being careless of me. You promised me the day we got together to "be careful" of my heart. I didn't want to go through the same process with another ex the same way.

 

and now, you expect me to pay for a damn bill you and your new friends (and hook up) are using. scrwe you for disrespecting me like that. even more, i hate that i'm still carrying some loving feelings for you but i know pretty soon they will be gone too. you ruined something good by disrespecting me, disrespecting us and being so careless about everything. maybe this is what you really wanted. but you know, i am a good man. I want to have kids, want to own my own house, have a successful career and that wasn't enough for you. i'm not really sure what you're looking for but obviously it's not with me. i'm fine with that. you could've at least valued what we have.

 

anyway, this whole shenanigan is making me think of you. sometimes lovingly, but more now on "get your tish straight and stop being crazy". I've left you alone. watch me from afar now, because you know you can't have me or anything good that i could and wouldve done for you.

 

f off.

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Today was a pretty good day. Got out enjoyed the nice weather, ate sushi with the best friend. Sushi did remind me of you a little- when I took you to have sushi for the first time last year by my house and how much you loved it. But those memories are just that....memories. It's the passed, of course things will remind me of you. I spent a long time having you in my life. But maybe I'm getting to the point where I can look at those memories and smile fondly and say 'Oh yeah me and Mike did this' and just be okay with saying it. I'm not fully there yet- but getting there.

 

There will still be things that will remind me of you. I handle it better now- I don't bust out crying every time I see something that makes me think of you. When ever I see an affliction or Tap Out shirt I think of you. When ever I see the Under Armor logo I think of you. When ever I see a random person with a Whole Foods bag I think of you. When ever I smell Code by Armani I close my eyes and its almost like your there. But your not....your NOT here.

 

As for why you made your sister message me on facebook- I guess I'll never fully figure out what that was about. Maybe you wanted to just be friendly with me- I don't know. Maybe you were just testing me to see how I felt- if I would tell you I missed you, jump at you....I really don't know and can only speculate at this point. It is what it is. Because I know if you really wanted to talk to me, you would have made an effort when I gave you the chance. But you didn't. Talking to you was like pulling nails. But I guess it's better this way. We seemed friendly- at least I can put this all to bed. No bad blood between us. Not exactly friends, but not enemies. I prefer that. Because I realized I can't be your friend....but in case we run into each other- because I'm sure we will in May- I didn't want there to be bad feelings either. This is good. Maybe now I can get some peace.

 

I wish you well- I really do. I'm not ready to say I hope you find someone else...but I hope you are less miserable in your life. I hope you do find a way to find happiness in your day to day life. I hope the same for your family. Your mom, your sister, her boyfriend. I hope they have happiness too, and you can all get along. I hope the dogs are well, and I just hope things work out in your life the way you like. But I think it's time I focus on me. That I let go the 'what if we get back together one day' because even though I have wanted to let it go for SO long, its still with me.

 

Time to move on and turn the page.

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i think i'm actually moving on without even noticing.. it's just, i can't see us ever being the way we were before

so many potentially wonderful nights turned into crap just disollussioned me probably for the last time..

for once, i actually see others around me.. and find myself day dreaming about falling in love... with someone else.

i'm sorry it has come to this, it's devestating.. i wish we could go back to when i loved you the most i feel like a failure, but you hurt me for too many years..

i don't know what to do with us

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I will remember

The love our souls had

Sworn to make

Now I watch the falling rain

All my mind can see

Now is your (face)

 

Well I guess

You took my youth

I gave it all away

Like the birth of a

New-found joy

This love would end in rage

All alone as the

Memories now unfold.

 

Sometimes when I'm alone

I wonder aloud

If you're watching over me

Some place far abound

I must reverse my life

I can't live in the past

Then set my soul free

Belong to me at last

 

That song is about death. No, you're not dead but sometimes I wish you were. That way I wouldn't have to go through life feeling like I have wronged you in some way. That way I wouldn't have to worry about you being with someone else. I guess I can pretend you're dead. Set my soul free, let me own soul belong to me at last.

 

I miss you. But I'll be okay. No more tears, my love.

 

You're still on my mind 80% of the time. Today it has been 70%, so many things to do and yet you still pop up in my head. Tonight was particularly exaggerated, it was just recurrent but no more hurt. I actually laughed thinking about the things we used to do. I just let the thoughts flow, as opposed to earlier when I kept forcing them out. It's better this way, I don't want our love to end in rage. I keep listening to songs and they remind me of how you must be feeling and they bring a new feeling, remorse. I'm sorry, but my happiness will always come first. I love you, but for once, I need to love myself more. I can't keep loving everyone more than I've loved myself.

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Im just trying to vent, I know he isn't reading any of this...theres no way he is..if he is

he'd call me! I am struggling pretty bad, it use to be through the whole day..

Morning, Noon and Evening...I noticed its happening more in the evening time now...I will

hear a country song that will remind me of how much I still miss you or a rock song...Mostly

country reminds me of you...Like I just dropped off my friend, it was pretty late like...12 30pm or so...

midnight!~! and after I dropped her off...I started thinking about you even while she was still in the car

while the song was playing I couldn't help but bring you up in conversation..I told her..."Its not worth

even trying to figure out what happened and why you did what you did...Another girl is living

my life..." and I can't do anything about it!! Whenever I think about you...I get sad or mad or

stressed out or contiplative or dissapointed or analytical...I also get questionable...I think

why her, why did he have to give up on us so fast?...Why'd he fall in love with her and fall out

of love with me and honestly....I think to myself...Now how many times did I mention to him

throughout the relationship that he could find someone more like him and more compatible..

and I guess he subcontiously did because I put that question in his head/....I feel like Im

definetly what caused it! obviously, I didn't dump him...

 

I also think of the work LOVE when I think of you...I think of just how deeply I was in love with you

when you decided to call it off...How I would of done whatever it took to fix thingss...=....(

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Im doing everything I can to try to not think about you and trying my hardest to respect your wishes and not contact you even if it kills me inside not to...Thats why I at least have this to unload on...My thoughts and feelings are slightly different than they use to be for you but pretty much at the same level...Id still drop everything to help you with anything you may need me for...You have a wife and kids now...You were 29 when

you decided to break my heart and I know you were fearing being 30 and still not having kids or in a happy marriage. Maybe you felt like you were holding me back and that couldn't be further from the truth...The truth is you were keeping me together more than you think. The thought of being your wife one day was a dream I had many times~! Everytime id come home to you, id feel so happy to be with such a great, honest and loyal man..You happened to have such a light to you!...But then...It was like you shut yourself off and I felt it and I mentioned it many times to you that you seemed to of been acting different, less like you were in love with me and more like you felt like I was a problem and so you broke my heart! You pulled it right out my chest...I stopped breathing for a minute whenever you broke it to me, I cried for days and days...I lost my job 3 months or so after we separated...The reason I lost it was because I couldn't focus on anything but wanting to still be together with you and then when you told me you were getting married, that broke me ****. Seriously **** it broke me so badly inside...! I cried for days and days and I still cry a little to this day knowing you are married and happy with a wife and kids in the house that we once shared together...!!

 

I guess you felt like I had nothing to offer you anymore...Like you changed into someone I didn't recognize at all, almost like another side of you that I never saw throughout our whole relationship. You were so cold to me and you are still so cold to me after everything you and I have been through...You hurt me the most out of anybody even my rape situation doesn't compare to the broken heart you endeared onto me. I didn't know what pain was until you decided to leave me behind and move on with your life at a flash of lightening..Thinking about what you have done to me makes me so sick to my stomache...I get so sick because I feel like I still love you and if I really wanted to, I could probaly get you back with some serious commitement to ruin what you have now, but you know what hun...? Im not like you, I don't like to sabbatoge peoples lives, no matter how much I want you back, I would rather you stay happy with your new family in the house we once shared... Im broke, I really am. I am so sure of it that I love you with every ounce of my well being that it sickens me...I get sick because I love you and I know you don't...And it sickens me that you don't love me enough to ever talk to me again or keep in touch at all...It hurts so bad to know you can let a woman you have known for 6 months tell you what to do when you didn't listen to a woman who you had known for 2 years of your life....You didn't listen to me when I told you I still wanted to make it work, Id do whatever it took to make it work including move out inorder for us to have some time away from eachother...I still wanted to keep dating you and loving you and seeing you still but I know its impossible seeing as you decided you wanted to drop off the face of the earth. You lied to me and told me wed still one day have dinner together and talk...Wed always still talk...You don't though...=(

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I want to contact you so BAD!! I want to copy and paste what I just wrote on here and email it to you or text it to you but I know I can't because I have to respect your wishes for me not to contact you anymore...Im still so much in love with you...I want to email you or call you SOOOOO BADLY ****! Im crying again...How many times am I going to have to cry about this? Can you answer that for me??? How many more times am I going to wish I still had a life with you?....Whyd you have to give up on me??? I wasn't wanting a permanent seperation, why couldn't you have done what you said you were going to do..? I long for a kiss from you.....A kiss that would change everything Im feeling right now but I know it will never happened...You will never show up on my phone or email or at my door step to profess your undieing love for me...Why? Because it died **** and so did you!!! You died!!!....I don't know what this girl has that I don't!! I just don't get it at all.....I have to go to bed inorder to stop thinking about you......Geeeeezus, you messed me up so badly!! Im trying to move on and see a new guy and try to give love a seconde shot but its not the same...He's not you and he has NO Idea how much I still love you and care about you and can't get over you and what you did to me....He thinks you are gay for not making love to me but once a month for the whole 2 years we stayed together....I laugh a fake laugh and smile a fake while all the time of him saying that all im thinking about is how much I still love you and feel like it was a lot of me to blame for us not making more love or whatever you wanna call it since you weren't in love with me nemore..I was actually the one who said it first...Because you were having a bad day and I needed you and I wanted you to feel te same, you said it back with no Uncertainty in your voice at all..and I believed you and trusted you with everything I could trust you with all my heart and soul was devoted into loving you....

 

I can't hardly think and be alone without thinking about you...this is so hard for me, you have no idea, you have no idea what it is I am feeling and exactly how bad it hurt me to be told all the things you have told me...about not contacting you.....God it hurts!

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"L", whats your deal???? Heres the situation. We live on the same street. My children are out playing and enjoying the mild weather (as they have every right to do). I have told them both that if you ever talk to them to just ignore you. So what do you do? You see my daughter's friend coming down the street to meet up with her. You call out to her, ask her where my daughter is because you have to talk to her? YOU DON'T GET TO ASK MY CHILDREN ANYTHING OK?? Leave them alone! If you have a question, nut up and ask ME! All you managed to do was scare poor Lilly and make my daughter fearful of you (she wasn't before). What could you possibly have to ask a 10 year old?

 

You wanted us out of your life and you got your wish. Can't have it both ways my "love". Just another reason to fill out a rental application somewhere else. Thanks

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Sorry? Sorry can't fix the things you've done! You've left me to pick up the pieces of broken heart, and now I have to put it back together so I can live without you within the pieces. Guess what? It's working The more predictable things you do the better understanding the type of person you've become. You're a cheat, * * * * * and a hypocrite! I hope you realize that I ignored a lot of short comings you had.

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Why, dear ex, do I make such a big deal over a little simple question : Am I over you?

 

No

 

You know what..

Every person, I have ever been with that dumped me, I thought the same about them all :

I will never get over him!

As soon as I do the unthinkable and actually get over them they come back contacting me..

Even one of them saying I was such a wonderfull woman and he missed me for that.

 

I hope that one day you will think the same, you don't even have to say it to me just think it.

I sure as .... think that about you, you know..

I'm just too proud to admit that I am not over you still..

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i hope your sat with your mobilephone in your hand waiting for me to text you! i hope you have been waking up in the night, been having a terrible time sleeping, been biting your tongue and grinding your teeth, i hope i spend every moment of your time in your head, there might be some hope then! because thats what i am going through, seems only fair you are the same

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I can't understand how you just stopped loving me out of nowhere? We've been through so many good times and bad times together. I was willing to do anything to make you happy and you dropped me like I was never part of your life. You've been so mean to mean and you've said so many hurtful things... but, in the end I don't wish any bad on you still. I want to be the bigger person and as much as I want to hate you, I won't. There is no point anymore. I just hope that one day when you see me again, you will regret the way you ended things with me.

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The worst part about all of this, at this point, is still being confronted with information about you constantly.

 

So it appears you're taking a four day weekend? Believe me, I don't want to know this information, but it comes into my field of vision and to my attention without my control. So, invariably, I'm wondering where you're going, and, of course, who you're going with.

 

As terrible as it is for my psyche, I want to know these things. And, yes, I still wish that I could be the one to do these things that Im imagining with you.

 

I miss you so badly.

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So it was my birthday yday and I wondered if you would text me. Your mother told me that she asked you to leave me alone and your reply "he doesnt want to talk to me anyway".

 

So there has been two texts. One about the aboriton you could have text your sisters, mother, friends, yea its something we share that nobody else does but you didnt ask me anything, just told me you were unable to stop thinking about it.

 

--Cos I can? Dont think so! I would have kept it. If I had known about you screwing a guy 18 years old than you then sure * * * * would have been different. To tell me you "thought this pregnancy would bring us closers but instead its pushed us apart" ? Get the * * * * out of here... You had started * * * * ing some dude old enough to be your father?! You blame me for us being pushed apart??

 

Ok, your hormones were going to be going crazy, physiologically, its something I could never understand and appreciate but you shouldnt have lied. You should have told me...

 

You broke me in two and I havent spoken or contacted you for nearly five weeks? Or is is six? I dont know anymore... Im still hurting but maybe not so much. This no contact thing is the only way to go. My UK phone is cancelled April 30th so you have until then the ability to easily contact me. After that, your emails are blocked your fbook has been blocked for weeks, you will come around... How many other people do you genuinely think there are who would do what I did for you? I sabotaged the dream job, I left my final year of uni, I left my country because of and for you.

 

Tomorrow is a new day and a day I dont have to put you before myelf.

 

Go * * * * yourself or hey, get atop of grandad and do him instead. Not like it hurts thinking about it...You mother * * * * er.

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