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Post here instead of contacting your ex!


Nynnja
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I really, really, really hope you will never get any clue about the fact that I am posting on this forum. I posted so much personal information on here. It would be easy for you to figure out who I am and who I'm posting about. I am at my most vulnerable in my posts.

 

Anyhow I miss you but it's getting less and less.

 

I'm getting better. I'm making a tiny bit progress in my life. But progress is progress.

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I do have days when I'm strong--incredibly strong, even.

Today wasn't one of them.

 

 

I miss you so. damn. much.

I want to see your face, your body,

your heart.

I want your heart.

Where did it go?

Where did you go

 

And yet, if you came back, would I even be able to handle it?

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Moonchill: I have often thought about this as well. Good thing my ex doesn't have a computer! Glad to hear you are making progress, I feel slightly better as well. YAY US!!!!!

I really, really, really hope you will never get any clue about the fact that I am posting on this forum. I posted so much personal information on here. It would be easy for you to figure out who I am and who I'm posting about. I am at my most vulnerable in my posts.

 

Anyhow I miss you but it's getting less and less.

 

I'm getting better. I'm making a tiny bit progress in my life. But progress is progress.

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Ive spent the better part of 4 hours hand writing a 27 page note/journal to you today. It sums up everything i have been feeling for the last 41 days since we have not been together. The strange thing is i feel ok after it. There is some heavy stuff in there, if i had of written this a few nights ago the journal would be water logged, but i only cried once. Seeing you and hearing you talk about your future plans today made me realize you dont have me in your plans, and i accepted that. I am thinking about giving you this journal, but I think i might hold onto it for now.

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Congratulations, you made me feel like * * * * about myself. Made me feel ugly and unwanted. All the while hiding your secret. You brought me and my children into your web of lies. Just to protect yourself from your own shame. Over two years I gave, sacrificed so you could go to school to make OUR future better while I paid the bills. Then you walk out when it was supposed to be time for us to enjoy the benifits of the sacrifices that were made, all of us. But thats not what you did! Instead you left without us, finally letting me in on your secret. Knowing that I won't tell it because stupid me love you still, even tho I know there is no hope in us. Don't worry * * * * * * * I will protect your secret, But not because I love you but because I love my kids and don't want to see them disappointed in you! I hope your life is filled with remorse, pain, and loneliness! That is what you deserve!

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i hope you move back to Florida. I hate how indifferent you've been acting. I've got so much more going for me than to be tied up with someone like you who basically as you always said "you're a sw, i'm an artist, where we going from there?". you always had a way of making em feel crappy about myself and what i'm doing. I love you, but when i'm done grieving, when i've picked myself up, you'll see the kind of guy you let go. damn you. i hope he cheats on you or you get some VD. sorry, just being real here.

 

i hate how you are able to get ahold of me without you even trying. I buckle everytime you text, even if it's just about nothing. i stutter, i mumble. But when it comes to other women, i'm a cocky mfkr. Well you did it, you did break my heart as i made you promise not to. I hope u wake up in the middle of the night dreaming about me and just have a turn around on how you just shatted allover my heart.

 

i've given you leeways, given you hints to start talking to me, but you just won't take it, so whatever. i'll get over this somehow.

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Going back to kissing you again today was odd. I'm furious at you still, and I'm confused with my feelings towards you, and I wish I could figure out where I stand with you. A part of my heart loves you still, and you know that. I shouldn't be using you as pain relief for life, nor should you be using me to keep yourself, well whatever you get out of 'being' with me. I'm so angry with the comment you made about C and R, they've been there for me when you were still trying to decide between me and her, they stuck by me through everything, so don't you dare ever speak about them that way again. I have no clue where we stand at all with each other, I know you now have feelings for someone else, so why still tell me you love me? I'd love to make sense of us, but right now I can't stop alluding to you because of the relief that lingers when I'm with you, and safe in your arms, so there is no sense at all. I wish I knew what to do.

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I miss you tonight a little bit. I haven't missed you all that much in a few days. The other night I was kind of sad and missing you before I went to bed- cried into my pillow a little. Its strange because I can do so well, then I have those moments where I just wish I could hear your voice. Wish I could go back a few months....more then a few months. Back to November or Early December. But I know I can't.

 

I kinda just wonder how you are. I want to know the little things in your day to day life that I missed- what's new in your life. Hows your mom? I hope you two have been getting along better. Did she ever win her court case? How's the sale of the house going? How about things with Moll and Yav? Did you guys ever make up? Hopefully no more fighting between you and him, or between him and your mom. How's Ging? I know she's getting up there, you all seem to think she's going to pass soon- I hope she's doing well. Hope all the dogs are well- know you hated Mel, but I do hope he's still there! And Is Olly still at the house or did Moll every take him?- all these questions I want to ask you and so much more.

 

Then there are things I DON'T want to know- Are you talking to anyone? I'm sure you are. You had no problem telling me you were 'hollering at a lot of girls'- your wording. You always were a flirt, a player even. I'm sure there are many girls in your life now....but kinda think that may have been what you wanted all along. I'm convinced that last year when we didn't get back together, but you still kept me hanging on, it was because you wanted to have other girls around to flirt with, boost your ego etc and still have be there at the end of the day. I'm happy I'm not there to feed into that any longer. Its frustrating because my emotions towards you vary. I can go from wishing you the best, to missing you like crazy and missing the times we had, to really hating you and being disgusted by you- all in a very short time. I wish I'd be able to at least pick an emotion.

 

Yesterday I talked to my friend Roxanne for several hours. Been a long time since I sat and spoke to her on the phone. I forgot how much she reminded me of you, maybe its just that good old Boston accent. And we got to talking about the city and how she wants me to visit her. I want to, but I know it will be difficult for me because I'll have to take the same bus I used to take to go see you. I know that will kinda hurt, almost trick my mind into thinking it was the old days and I was on my way to see you....and we were talking about places in the area, she mentioned Newberry street and I laughed. Moll worked there. I remember the day we picked her up last year after your surgery. Me you and your mom. And we sat and waited for her forever. Kinda wish I could erase those stupid little memories.

 

At this point I'm pretty sure I won't hear from you again. I'm okay with it now. I have also gotten to the point where I'm not itching to contact you every minute of the day too. I wouldn't say I'm in NC mode, but I clearly not in contact either. When you texted me last time- what was it now, 2 weeks ago? Saying you would try to call me for the probably 20th time I got annoyed and that was kind of it. Maybe I should have just said 'ok' even though odds are you probably wouldn't have- but just to see if you would have. But I didn't reply. Not until the next day, keeping it very very sterile and saying 'I'm very busy, I will send you your things in the mail when I get a chance' and that was it. You didn't reply, I didn't press it. You did never tell me if you wanted me to send your stuff or not. When I asked you in a text those few times you defered and said 'talk more later' really what does that even mean? I had kept it light, tried to be friendly- I didn't ask you to call me or anything- just said I found some of your stuff let me know if you want it and you send me 'busy talk more later' huh? I still don't get you. Not even a little bit.

 

I don't know anymore. It would be nice to talk, catch up, hear your voice, but I know it would make it harder on me to talk to you since I know we are not capable of being friends. Only way we would be able to talk is if we both decided to really work on things....I really did want that back in January, but I know you didn't. And I know you don't want that now....and I KNOW I probably shouldn't either, but still there is a tiny part of me that does. BLEH. It gets smaller and smaller, and I have been doing SO well lately, reinvented myself- changed my hair- cut and color- and I love it by the way! I feel like a new girl! I started dieting again with Vikki- been feeling a lot healthier, and I know it will make me happier and more confident when I loose a few lbs. I honestly think I HAVE moved on- finally. But I have not fully let go. I see the difference now. I just hope eventually I will be able to. I don't want to have that little 'what if' in the back of my mind forever.

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Before I went to take a shower, I had to scrounge through the clothes on the floor to find some socks. In doing so, I was going through all of your clothes too since I combined the laundry last time. I remember every item of clothing that I found and I still remember the story behind each piece. I can't wait until Friday when your dad and brother come take your stuff from the apartment as it is contributing to my horrible wave of emotions. I can't help but be afraid to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep as I'm afraid to wake up; I hate sleeping alone, I know you aren't going to be there when I lay down or when I wake up. I feel short of breath, I feel anxious, I feel as if I'm about to cave in. I bet you're sleeping peacefully; you don't even care.

 

I don't know if you're going to come back as I did to you two years ago but I still have this hope that the past five years has not been a waste. I know it is horrible to cling on but at this point, so fresh in the break up, I can not help it. I wish I knew what you were doing. We talked everyday for the past five years and these past few days have been unbearable. I have nobody to care, to listen, to talk about my day with and the events that took place. I have nobody to vent to. I know you're going out with friends and having fun; I know this for a fact. Meanwhile, I sit here completely broken not wondering what I could have or should have done. Rather, what am I going to do?

 

I've deleted you from my facebook, myspace, and MSN. I'm going to attempt at a no contact but we'll see how long this lasts. I'm going to give you the space you so desperately seek. Fortunately, I haven't slept much in the past few days with school and the situation so I may be able to pass out. Let's hope I can keep my mind from racing.

 

I love you, I always have. I miss you.

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Hi, I haven't kept track of what day NC it is. Give me a moment to think...Day 32 of NC. Time passes by so quickly since our break up and I don't know why. I think of you less, but I still think of you every day. It doesn't hurt to think about you, I don't think it'd hurt to talk to you but I think it would sting if I knew who you were with and if you have moved on quick. I know you would be surprised and a bit upset how fast I moved on too...I'm surprised at myself. A month and I'm doing good even though it's been 5 1/2 years. I'll never forget you, I'll always love you...as long as you stay who you are. I don't even know if I want to be with you anymore honestly.

 

I know we had a great relationship but if we get back together it'll never be the same. We'd have to start all over. You know, there were a lot of things you did in the relationship that would bother me so much now if we got together.

You'd do things that cause me so much pain and not care about how I felt enough to change it. You mostly cared about yourself and that was the problem. So yeah, I'm looking for someone that has your great qualities but also would make me happier than you did. I love you, you're such a great person, but I have moved on now.

 

I hope one day when I finally talk to you that we can still have a wonderful friendship and keep that.

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When we spoke, I was happy that you said you missed me and that there were times over the last week where you'd had your phone in your hand dialling my number before thinking it wouldn't make anything better. I'm glad you're going through the same things that I am, but * * * * why wouldn't you try and get me back? Hurts so much right now because I know you tried so many times to get her back. Maybe it's because of all the times previously we broke up and got back together, maybe I had my limit?

 

In my head I know if we got back together it wouldn't work out - nothing would change at all. I need time to work on myself - it was stupid to think that this past year wouldn't change me. I need to go back to being independent - this needy version of myself was killing me.

 

I really hope in a few years, if we meet again, we can give it another go. Love you so much xxx

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6 months apart and I am this close to contacting you.

 

This is the strongest I've ever felt towards breaking NC and getting in touch. I want to know how you feel, what your thinking, do you still think about me, what you are doing, i want to tell you about so many things, i suppose I want you back and i cannot accept that we do not even talk anymore. We used to talk all the time, share our deepest thoughts, fears, secrets with eachother and used to be best friends and now that person has gone.

 

Why haven't you deleted or untagged yourself from all our photos, why do you wish my friends happy birthday,do you want to be friends but are you too scared or stubborn to get in touch? Do you think I don't want to hear from you, why have you disapeared??????????????????

 

I miss what we had, I miss you! I'm a better and stronger man and look at things in such a different light but I still miss you. We had so much in common, our love was very strong, my family loved you and yes we both made our mistakes when we were together. Why did you tell me you loved me so much whilst stroking my hair the week before you broke it off!

 

Man am i craving to contact you!! I want my best friend and lover back. I thought I was fine, slowly getting there, obviously i'm not!

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