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Nynnja
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Good morning... It has been 11 days since you broke up with me. I cry less now but I still feel terrible pain when I think about the times we were together.. I miss you taking care of me and making sure I'm ok and happy... Hay... I wish this didn't happen at all. I wish we are still together and you tell me you love me more than I love you... But that's not the case anymore. It kills me to think of you with another girl... Please not "her" don't prove my suspision I'm gonna be hurt big time. It looks like are are moving on with your life fine, you are thanking me for not disappearing in your life.. It's a little unfair for me, you broke up with me but you don't want me to disappear, so I stayed because I love you still... I don't know how long I'm gonna stay, people told me you can't have the best of both worlds, but what can I do? I also want to be around you still after you hurt me... Masochistic perhaps but yeah... I'll be around as per your request, but I can't promise for a ling time, in case you get a new girl, for sure I'll be out of the picture... I might be thrown away on the side when that happens but I'll try to back away even before that happens.

 

I hope you think about me, cause you are in my head all the time... 24/7 I hope I will wake up one day and realize this is a nightmare... Then I'll be back with you again... How did you fell out of love with me? That crushed my little self worth and self confidence... You built it in me then tore it down when you left.

 

I miss you... I know you miss me too, you told me that the other day but I hope that's sincere and not a lie to make me feel better... I want to know what you are doing, what's keeping you busy and what's keeping you happy... Are you still going to give me that Russian doll your mom brought from Russia for me? I hope so....

 

I cried a little bit this morning. I miss everything about you

 

ya ochen tebya lublu... Still..

 

I hope you'll have a great day ahead.

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So, you are in break right now... I still look at your class schedule at least twice a day, thinking of what could you be doing... gosh.

 

I wish I'll wake up tomorrow and it is September 6th... the last time I saw you, I would be looking at you the whole time because little did I know, 2 days after that you would be breaking up with me.

 

I miss you terribly, my love, my man, my baby.... gosh, i miss calling you like that.

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One day you're going to hurt like I have, not just from a breakup but probably from a lot of life-changing events that occur near each other like in my case.

 

And why? Its sad. Now I feel I know the relationship story and who did what wrong and why.... but it doesn't matter now. It wouldn't have probably mattered the day you broke up with me. I wish you would have picked fights with me or been more assertive earlier on about not feeling understood or what you wanted in the relationship. We had a beautiful relationship once, and as we changed... I liked what we had and you didn't, but you never broke out of our routine to tell me. Our communication broke down, you became frustrated and then dumped me.

 

Theres no * * * * ing reason for any of it. Theres no reason why you should be fat and happy, ignorant in the mistakes you made in the relationship and feeling vindicated... and that I should be in ruins right now. I feel good that I'm learning all the things I have about relationships and communication and life in general, but it is so painful.... maybe one day you'll understand about our relationship, maybe, but whats the point.

 

We'll never see each other again, and we had such a beautiful thing that we * * * * ed up because I neglected it and you grew frustrated and never told me until the day you broke up with me. Our lives are no longer connected in anything except memories. Our lives will never reconnect.

 

It is so. It is sad. There is no reason for it.

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Wow, I wish you could have just been honest with me from the start. Why the hell would you tell me you were crazy about me and call yourself the love of my life. Why would you cry over me and tell me you needed me and really wanted to be with me. Then the next day just call it all off like it was nothing. Even though we were together for a very short period of time, I felt something with you that I have never before. Now I find out you fooled around with one of my good friends a week after we split and you've been juggling several other guys in the three weeks we've been apart. I was simply thrown for a loop and can't figure any of it out. I guess I was just some idiot that was taken for a ride. Well I want to thank you for opening my eyes and making me much more bitter person. I know that I can't just open up to someone until I've really gotten to know them and they have proved they are deserving of such affection. I wish you the best and hope that you are happy, but please stop contacting me and telling me you feel jealous of me dating someone else. It isn't fair to me and as much as I feel for you, you are not at all the kind of person that I want to be with. I will not be your safety blanket or fall back guy. In fact, I don't even think I could be your friend. I've never been treated this way and don't want to be around someone that could do this to anyone.

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Wow... you just texted me... I looked at the clock and i see you just got our of class... that was a random text though, you said you "love sleep", it kind of feels weird getting a text from you with the word "love" but at least you said you hope I'm doing better. and oh, glad to know I entered your mind today. Thanks for the text. I wasnt expecting it.

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Today I got an e-mail from you...only it was spam. So you didn't really send it. Part of me hoped it would be a follow-up to your June e-mail. I wish you'd keep your word about that. Tomorrow it'll be 3 months since I *really* heard from you.

 

I'm going to see T tomorrow. I hope both she and A are available. I need help...this depression is crushing and I can't make it go away on its own. I miss you so much it hurts.

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Ok, now I'm having a pissed off day.

 

Who do you think you are, just waltzing off like that? You vagina. I was GOOD to you. We were doing everything we could to have a solid relationship. You used against me that which I feared. I asked for 1 thing, and that is that you be honest if you ever wanted to leave the relationship. You are so pathetic, you couldn't even handle that. Why would you be so mean by doing the one thing you know I was incredibly scared of? I didn't hurt you. I didn't rage at you. Jesus, I was the best I'd ever been. Except I really want to rage now. Why is your penis so miniscule? Wasn't that your complaint, I didn't want to have sex with you enough? Well of course I did not. You didn't want to do anything but insert, thrust, thrust. I mean that's it! That's BORING! No matter which way I tried to spice it up, you were just like "Oh, no. Eww. GROSS. Omg, disgusting." How dare you make me feel gross about my likes when your penis is the size of a pencap?! I never made you feel bad for not liking kinkier things, I just accepted you weren't that way, even though it was hard. Who are you to be calling me a freak(and not in the good way)?

 

ERghhh...You piss me off today. And yes, I'm giving myself all the freedom to be an immature little brat by talking about your wang.

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I want to know why you couldn't be honest with me. You told me you were falling in love with me first. You said you wanted to marry me. But as time went on it's like you changed your mind. How the f**k do you think it's ok to get memberships to those adult friend sites??? AND THEN LIE ABOUT IT! even after I find them on your laptop!! But I was the fool who believed you. Well your lies have caught up with you. You * * * * . You've lost me. I'm freaking awesome!!! I'm fantastic in bed! But you'd rather b with trash. I'm not gonna let you bring me down. I know when you came over yesterday to get your stuff you were regretting the split. But I don't want you no more. I can do this without you. I'm a strong independent woman. You were lucky to have me and you f***ed up. Now everytime you see me I'm gonna look freaking hott. I may not have a man with me but if I want one you better believe I can have one. I'm gonna move on and lot look back. You messed up buddy. You lost someone who is true and honest, smart, funny, giving, understanding, seeeexy, fun and a bad ass cook. For what. Some nasty sex with gross Internet hoes? Good for you. Guess what? I wasnt wearing panties under that dress I was wearing yesterday. And you couldn't even look me in the eyes. INTIMIDATED much? Loser.

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I think I'm a better person now because of our relationship and even because of our break up. I wasn't open at all before our relationship and you were from the beginning. I'm sorry that I wasn't open at the beginning and you were so willing to be and it hurt you that I wasn't. I am so so sorry for that, you have no idea. But you have some growing up to do because that wasn't an excuse for your behaviour. You need to be able to figure out your feelings.

 

I realize now that it was wrong of me to ask you to work on a relationship that didn't exist anymore. But you have to accept some responsibility for why I thought there was still a relationship. I know that the things you were doing/saying weren't just things that you would do/say to any other friend, I'm not going to argue or try to prove it to you (although ANYONE would agree with me), being able to recognize and admit to it is part of the growing up that you have to do. I think what was going on was that you needed some space but you wanted me to be there for you when you were ready. So you pulled me a bit closer but then when I would pull you the rest of the way, you would freak out and feel smothered because you needed space. So again, I'm sorry that I pulled you when I had no right to but you have to accept your share of the responsibility, it wasn't fair for you to pull me in if you weren't willing to be in a relationship. I have apologized for everything I did wrong during our break up and I am sorry but just because I've admitted fault doesn't mean that none of the fault lies with you, it does and you have to recognize that.

 

I really wish things had gone differently with our break up, I want to be friends with you so bad. You're my best friend and I miss you so much. I want to be the one who gets to marry you when you do finally mature. I hope you don't forget about me. I know that I'm awesome and that you'll never find someone as perfect for you as me but I'm worried you'll forget that or dwell on the negative since you do tend to do that. I love you and I always will. I miss you i miss you i miss you.

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You cheated on me with our friend. Then you told me you didn't want to be with me. I would have forgiven you. Now I realize you didn't want to be forgiven because you wanted to be with her. The only reason you could be with her was if you would get rid of me. Now you still sleep with her. You talk to her everyday. You said you didn't know what there was between you two. You said it was just a connection, it wasn't like that, she didn't even like you. But now you sleep with her, probably every night. You talk to her instead of talking to me. You tell me you'd rather be her friend than mine. You threw me away when you said you'd be there for me forever. You threw me away. It hurts so much I can't bear the pain. Sometimes I just wish I could die.

 

I don't know how I can learn to trust anyone again. I can't believe we won't be in each other's lives anymore. Is she going to be your new girlfriend? Is she going to take my place? Why? Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? Why did you have to cheat? Why didn't you just break up with me? Will you ever realize how mean you're being and how hurtful you're being? Will you ever understand my pain? Will you ever admit to me that it was a big mistake?

 

I won't take you back. We're done and we both know it. But I just want a sincere apology from you. I want you to cry and say sorry and say you made a mistake and that you would if you could go back in time and change everything. I want it so much. That's all I want. Even if it isn't true, I wish you could say that to me. Just give me something to grasp. Give me something to understand because I don't understand what happened. I don't understand what happened at all. The pain doesn't come from losing our relationship, the pain comes from not understanding, not knowing what happened. I don't know who you are and what you've done with my real man. Just bring him back to apologize. Just once.

 

I wake up in the middle of the night scared and panicked and the only way I can sleep is to imagine you by my side. I talk to you. I miss you.

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First day that I know it is over for good, or at least in my head I understand that it is over.

 

I feel horrible I miss and still want you back but I know that it is not going to happen.

 

I can't stop blaming myself for hurting you, but I also know that you were super sensitive too. I keep telling myself that because I can not keep beating myself up over it. I was not as bad of a person as you made me out to be, I feel it was your way to justify leaving me. You had to become angry at me to move on.

 

I just have to move on now too.

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Did you know one more month would have been our anniversary? 1 year?

 

You put me in some sort of imaginary relationship.

 

I learned my lessons. From now on, men who think they want me/need me/falling in love with me/start a relationship with me, will have to respect my boundaries. I don't care who they are. I'm taking care of myself first.

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tomorrow would be our two year anniversary. that's probably why you texted me again tonight. i'm not finding much happiness out here, just plain existence.. then again what else is new since we parted. the truth is, i'm not ignoring you because i hate you, it's because i miss you here half a year later. i'm so sorry our circumstances didn't work out. i will always have some resentment about leaving and whether that would have changed things. but, then again, your actions tore my heart in half. you say i deserve someone better, but i honestly cannot see it.

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Good morning... I hope you didn't oversleep today, you got an early class, I would wake you up but that's not my job anymore. We texted for about 3 hours last night, it was a weird conversation, you seem different, I felt like you are a diferent person, oh well... You texted me goodnight before you went to sleep, I debated with myself if I'd reply, but yeah.. I did. I feel sad that our conversation is not the same as before, sweet gentle and funny... We talk so seriously. But it's nice to know you remember me and think about me at some point during the day.

 

I miss you. I hope you'll have a great day ahead...

 

Ya ochen ochen tebya lublu still...

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Why did you started to text me yesterday? I really wasn't happy with it, I was in such a good mood and suddenly I realised that you are still here.

That you are still the one that broke my heart into tiny little pieces. I won't reply to you. I think the reason you're texting me is because somewhere deep down there

you're missing me. And perhaps, you also feel some pain somewhere. Ofcourse, not the amount of pain I am feeling at this moment, but just.. A little. Enough for me.

 

Today was the day you should normally have come to pick me up from college. It made me hurt. Ofcourse you didn't came, but I must admit that I had a little spark of hope

that maybe you would. I even paused for a minute, in some sort of slumber, to look for you. Then the sudden realisation hit me, and I quickly went home.

 

I do still miss you, T. I know you're no good for me, but I do still miss you. I miss your smile, your hughs, your ability to make me feel alright..

And now when I need it the most, you're not here..

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God I miss you. I hope you miss me too. I hope you're not trying to get over me, I hope you're working on yourself for when we can get back together. But I don't know what's going on!! You would never tell me! I really hope you're doing NC for the same reasons I am, that it'll heal us somewhat so that we can get back together. I want to talk to you so bad but I'm worried you're sick of it, you always seemed frustrated with me and tired of it all. It's not fair though. I cry all the time over you.

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