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I miss you like noones business but i broke it off so we could have a chance. Im so sorry that i would rather hold inside my displeasures rather than tell you whats on my mind. I was afraid of hurting your feelings. Little did i know that doing so would tear us apart. Im not meaning to keep you hanging on. Im such an * * * * * * * and im sorry

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just to let you know i'm still feeling like complete and utter crap today. You emailing me at my work address after working hours asking me if i was still able to look after the dog while you go to NY just annoyed me. Saying that you're newbie girl...rebound whatever you're now calling her...has offered but you'd be happier that he was with me annoyed me even more. Then finishing the email with "I'll be on msn tonight if you want a chat". Well i was on msn all of last night and you weren't on once. I didn't know you were going to be on there until i got in to work today. You're so full of lies! So yeah I'm still feeling like utter rubbish today....happy???!

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I was doing so good today. 2 weeks NC, then I found out that you are going to the beach next week. The time that we would have been going every year for 10 years. The same place that we go every year just one condo complex over. I guess that it just really hurt. I don't know why. I am going to another beach for a couple of days with my family. I guess the fact that you are going to the exact same place we always went. And you are going by yourself!?!? I guess sitting on the beach all day/night and drinking is what you want or need. What a lonely life. I do not thing I could go to the exact same place. It was our place/our time together. But I hope that you remember that is the same place where it all started. When you 2 really started talking. Remember, I have all the phone records. I should not let something like this hurt me b/c I don't care for you. And I don't think that you even care for my feelings, it probably doesn't even phase you. Go, have fun.

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It's been 3 days since we picked up NC again. It hurts to think we intend to keep this up for months, or perhaps years.

 

I'll survive. I need to stop living for you and start living for myself. I hate that I think about you all the time. I hate that you keep me from being happy. I hate that the thought of you catches hold of me at my weakest moments to bring me down. Worst of all, I hate that you're okay.

 

Is that selfish?

 

I don't care. You're fine. I'm not. I have to get rid of every part of me that still lives in you. This morning I woke up thinking about you again, and I thought My God, I need to forget about you entirely. I need to forget we ever happened. I need to realize that you're not the girl I loved and loved me for 4 years, even if you're a better person now. A better girlfriend. A more desirable you.

 

My girl, my love, died a long long time ago. And holding onto you keeps me from living.

 

I have a lot of studying to do today. I haven't done my homework because I think of you when I stay at home.

 

If there's one thing I can't allow you to harm it's my future. You are my past, I'm letting you harm my present, but leave my future for me. I need to do well on this test, and I can't focus when you dwell on my mind.

 

So while you're enjoying life with your new boyfriend, disregarding that I ever existed, or that I was ever your everything, or that you told me you wanted to spend forever with me, give me that. Just let me study for my test today.

 

Goodbye for now. We'll talk again when months go bye without the thought of each other.

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I'm being selfish, I'm allowed to be...considering what you've done, and what you are clearly going to be doing. You don't like me being selfish do you? Or the fact that I'm clearly in control. You're going to have to deal with it, because next week, although I thought it was an even more uphill battle, I can make it an easier one. And I intend to.

I'm not going to hope anymore. You've killed it. I deserve better, and dammit I'm going to get better...you'll hate it, and realise what you threw away.

Self confidence has always been an issue, but I've grown to realise, that I can get a new girl, easy...i'm not hanging around or hoping that you'll realise your mistake. I don't come second to you wanting to get with everything that moves, including M. I'm done with you. I hate you. I love you. I'll kill this love if its the last thing I do. I don't need it. Its got me nowhere.

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Remember that day when I begged for you to please just tell me the truth? That I was giving you ANOTHER chance just to come clean and explain things and you brushed it off and told me I was crazy?

 

Remember when I looked at you with tears in my eyes, so effn pained after another revelation and you turned away and just left?

 

Remember when you lied and lied and I broke down infront of you and ran out the door?

The girl who doesn't ever cry infront of people? The girl who felt bad seeing you cry after all your betrayals? The girl who wanted to make sure you were alright after the break up and called to check how you were coping even when she was in complete pain herself?

 

That pain. That shock. Everything you did to me.

I'm never gonna forget.

If somebody soccer kicked me in the stomach, it would have been a more comforting pain.

Why talk marriage and kids and sh it like that if you didn't want it? WHY DID YOU FCKING STRING ME ALONG LIKE THAT? I HAD A HEART TOO YOU KNOW T. I'M NOT JUST A TOY YOU COULD PLAY WITH WHENEVER IT STRIKES YOUR FANCY.

 

IT MUST FEEL SO GREAT TO KNOW NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO TO ME- TRASH ME, HURT ME, LIE TO ME, LET ME DOWN TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN, THERE I'LL BE STILL BE... BY YOUR SIDE, LOVING YOU, CARING ABOUT YOU, PUTTING YOU FIRST EVERYTIME.

 

 

 

You've hurt me so bad. You have no idea.

 

Were those randoms worth it?

Are you truly happy now?

 

You can search and search and find sb better looking, but you won't ever find somebody that will have the connection we had. You'll see.

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I hope you never talk to me again.

I'm the best girl for you?

You love me 'too' much?

 

Eff. I didn't know you could love somebody 'too' much.

And I sure as hell never knew it involved lying, cheating, manipulation, selfishness and abuse.

 

My heart's like a rock right? Yeah I'm just a fckn piece of ice.

And that emotional blackmail you pulled on me?

 

Seriously T? There's no reason for you to live if I don't accept your marriage proposal? Take you back? Give you another fckn chance to take stabs at my heart?

 

 

I never realised marriage and love was viewed so lightly.

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You know what, B? I don't believe you. I've been thinking (as always, sadly) and in my heart of hearts, I think you are a liar. You said you didn't cheat on me and wouldn't. You said you were not attracted to your current gf when you were with me. But you are lying.

 

I believe you didn't cheat on me physically, but that's it. You joined a sex group with her on Facebook and then tried to play the "technologically ignorant" card on me by saying you can't "help" it because you don't know how to use the computer. Yet you know how to email girls pics of your penis (when you were married). You just play dumb so you can get away with stuff. Don't think you can play ignorant. I know it is a front.

 

You say you were not attracted to your current girlfriend. So then do you get the number of every girl you meet on charity projects? Would you have approved of me getting hot guys' number while you were away on a church trip? I don't think so. Or having dinner with them or having them write stuff on my Facebook wall? Or giving me thumbs up when you write a post about me missing?

 

I might as well face the truth: you freakin dumped me the second the church van pulled away from the parking lot. Funny how you got up early to see us off...you cuddled me, kissed me in front of everyone, gave me a back rub, and brought your t-shirt sprayed with cologne for me to sleep in while I was gone. Then when our van pulled away, everyone else was waving and I saw you looking off somewhere in the distance with a distracted look on your face like you were thinking about something. I waved to you and you didn't even notice. I thought it was weird how you were so lovey dovey one second, then you were off in another world.

 

But what gets me, is I come back and you're gone all weekend, can't even call me, yet you got this girl's number! You don't even have minutes on your phone yet you talk to her for 5 hours! It took me forever to convince you to get a cheap phone and you still never called me. Then I see you on FB suddenly all the time after she posted stuff on your wall (including pics of you). You were never on FB so much before. And you tried to say she was just a friend. It's not true. Your sis said you asked what she thought of her and you brought her over your house just a couple days after the break-up. And then you changed your status to in a relationship.

 

So it's highly doubtful you weren't attracted to her. Why insult me by lying? And why did I apologize and pretend to take your word for it? I don't believe you. I may have said I do, but I don't.

 

I just wish I did.

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I can't even call you ex because we dated for such a short time. You showed your true colors by not caring enough for me or the relationship. I'm a good woman. I'm quite a catch. But you were after sex and that too free sex with no responsibility, no obligation. I really wish you would just tell me that instead of ignoring me.

You showed your character by buying me a $15 phone when I had only asked you to guide me to a decent phone. You even accepted the $20 bill that I gave you towards that phone. How much cheaper can a guy get? And you had the audacity to say in front of our friends "hey, her taste is free." when our friend hinted you to buy me a pair of earrings. You know very well that I never accepted anything free from you. I paid for coffee, dinner, movie tickets, I even fed you at my home twice and you think I was with you for a free ride? Do you have any brains left?

I guess you have never met a decent, classy woman. You took my generosity and giving nature for granted. You think all women are after your house, money, and plasma TV which you constantly brag about. What kinda man you are when you wouldn't ask a guest in your house for blanket at night? What kinda BF you are when you let your GF drive at 2am in the dense fog? What kinda warmth can I expect from such a man? I don't know... I don't even want to know. I just want to get you out of my head. I simply want to thank you for showing me your real side because you didn't get sex. Thank you for not wasting my time. Thank you for ignoring me. Thank you for making me realize that I'm too good for a man like you.

I pray to God that I die alone, but never ask you if we could make things work. I will not wish you bad because I don't believe in wishing anyone bad brings them bad. I also don't want to be one spewing out anger and holding a grudge. I simply want to be able to move on to a better man.

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I don't get it. What do you want? What's with these Facebook pokes all of a sudden? Why mention your issues with your new girlfriend and make a snarky little remark contrasting it to our relationship?Sounds like you'd have plenty more to say about it if I cared enough to ask. But when I mention seeing our cats, you don't say more than five words. They're the only reason I care to have any contact with you and you probably know that and are butthurt about it. Whatever, dude. I'm not poking you back.

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How the do I keep a straight face around everyone and esp my family when I'm dying inside?

 

I'm not going to tell the folks why we're done. I have too much pride.. And frankly I'm so not looking forward to the pity and all that crap.

 

Oh and I don't want to burden them or have them resent you.

They don't deserve to have that on their minds.

 

 

 

Wonder if you told your family yet? They loved me. Your parents wanted me to be the in law.

Wonder what excuse you gave them? Bet you turned it around and made me the bad guy. Haha. Like always huh?

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I dont get why you never answered my last emails... even from your perspective I don't get it. I hate that there was no closure with us. I went to the first spot I met you today to try and find it and it just all felt so grey and our story had so much more of a bitter ending than I expected. I know you don't deserve this but I'm sorry for doubting our love at times. I truly am. I am completely in love with you. Always have been and I will continue to be for a very long time.

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J-

 

The irony of the situation just...well, it cracks me up. Kind of. How is it, that I spent nearly a decade in therapy working on myself, declared 'recovered' then I meet your borderline ass? What the hell was I thinking? So basically I just exchanged one issue for another. PD for co-dependency. Nice. Yeah, you know that? I thought I could help you. I thought because I had been in your shoes, I could understand you more than anyone. And in some ways, I did. I think that's why I don't dislike you and never have, despite everything. That's why I wish you all the best. Because I want you to be happy. I'm such a stupid ass for falling for that wounded bird thing you have going on in your head. I know you're messed up. I know you're damaged. And I know I can't fix you, never could. God I hope you're alright. I hope something smacks you upside the head big time and forces you to see that you need to change. You don't deserve to live like this. You don't have to. Wasn't I proof of that? Damn it, wasn't C proof of that too? You're wicked stubborn. What makes you think you're the special case that is incapable of change?

 

I hate not knowing if you're...If you're even alive. I can't even say that. It pains me so much....Because I know there's a very real chance that you've really gone off the deep end. I want to call your phone and see if it's on, but I can't...I can't. I'll be satisfied momentarily knowing you're ok, but it will open up a wound that just never wants to heal for me. I would hope at least that your mom would tell me. I think she would. I loved your mom, why did YOU hate her so much? Maybe because she spoke the truth...I shoulda listened...Mom knows best.

 

It's gonna catch up to you. You told me so yourself. You warned ME. Funny. More irony. Honey, I already KNOW THAT. What kind of personal hell did you think I was living before I met you? I just hope it's the kind of catching up that doesn't destroy you but empowers you. I don't know much about the spiritual thing, but I do talk to whomever is up there and ask that they protect and guide you. You could probably care less about me...You probably still hate me. But that's ok, it doesn't matter much because we'll never see each other or speak with each other again. I just want you to be happy. I really just want you to be ok...

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God...was doing fine, till we had to go to the shopping centre. Just missed you and remembered us walking around it...I was so happy. Then I realised you hadn't text me back in 4 hours just to say thanks that I'd sent the money to your bank. Why was I even hoping for that? God I'm an idiot.

I know you're going to be wearing a mask. I'm going to have to as well. For my own sanity.

Why couldn't you just wait? Why couldn't you just hold out a little bit and see what happened? If I was that special to you? I want some damn closure. I want to know what the actual hell your plans are, seeing as you STILL haven't said anything. I'm going to make you look me in the eye, and tell me you don't love me, that you don't see us working, and then I can completely move on. Because this hope is still here, and I want it out.

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This NC thing is really starting to give me some peace of mind again. I see now it was the only way, especially when I think of the alternative.

You can't pick yourself back up if they are still a feature in your life fuelling any hope of reconciliation.

 

The only problem I've noticed is with the positives comes some intense side effects. The impulses are pretty strong at times but I realise I'm climbing a mountain here, you're going to get tired and discouraged before you reach the top. I'm just proud of myself for even taking those first steps.

 

Only time is going to stop me missing you though.

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This is a great thread. 2 months post separation for my wife and I and we had to speak last night. This is not necessarily a post on what I want to say to her, because I could write a book with the million questions and things I would like to say, but I know I will get back either only what I want to hear, or the cold shoulder. Regardless of it's the truth or not, I will not be able to believe it coming out of her mouth.

 

My problem is I still love her, I miss what we had so much. I miss my whole family being together. I had just put her through nursing school and I really felt life was going to be better, not that she would get her degree out of me and take off, leaving me feeling completely used, and not knowing if anything was even real. We were literally married just long enough for her to start school and graduate.

 

I try to think with a level head on how I would feel if she called right now and said she wanted me back. I think I would be overwhelmed with excitement, I think I would hold on to her and never let go. But, after a few days I would start to worry, because I know she can change her mind in the blink of an eye, from one day to the next. After all that's happened, I would worry about who she was with, who she was talking to, what was going on while she or I was at work etc...I think it would slowly kill me like the last 6 months of our marriage did. Keeping me constantly on an emotional rollercoaster. I think too much is under the bridge. I do love her dearly, and she proved by her betrayal that she did not love me, and I don't think I could ever trust her again.

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Just got back from Vegas and had a blast. I can't believe I am saying this, but I actually missed you and thought of you will I was there. Why did you have to treat our relationship as a sprint and not a marathon. Did you really not believe I did not want to marry you? If so, why did we not talk about it more? If we never broke up last August we would have probably been engaged by now. It is strange how life works.

 

Although I still miss you and love you. I know I cannot break NC. I must be strong and move on because you do not really love me for who I am. You loved me for the "potential" you say in me. I loved you for who you were for better and for worst. None of the constant arguing, the name-calling, the disrespect made me love you less. I know I shouldn't have put up with it, but it did not make me love you any less.

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