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For people who were left for someone else


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If we are left for someone else there is a predictable series for thoughts/feelings:

- they must be better than me

- my ex lied to me and that makes everything between us a lie

- self esteem shattered

- they never loved me if they could do this

- how cowardly they are, they said we broke up for x or y reason but it wasn't the truth

- Surely the new person is just a rebound, I must have meant more than this?

- they will break up soon and my ex will come running back

- I must keep tabs to make sure their relationship dies as it justly should

- If I stay friends with my ex, they might come back

 

When you are left for someone else, to sort the wheat from the chaff as above:

- the new person isn't better than you, but is a better fit for your ex at this particular point in time

- the ex lied, yes. That doesn't make everything between you a lie. But it shows they were, at the end, quite willing to hurt you, because they no longer had feelings. See below.

- they didn't love you towards the end of your relationship. When we really love someone we want to be truthful, but when we stop loving them we go into self preservation mode. Specifically, we want to preserve our own notion of ourselves as a good person.

- yes they are a coward.

- Sometimes the other person is a rebound, but if you were lied to towards the end of your relationship about the reasons, and then the new person appeared on the scene, the new person was not a rebound. Your ex stopped loving you a while ago and put you on the backburner while they figured out if it was going to work with the new person.

-They might come running back if the new relationship fails. But don't take them back. Their actions have already informed you of your value to them.

- Don't keep tabs because they may well go on and have the future that you dreamed of. Even if they don't - if you don't want them back, and you don't - they are no concern of yours

- If you stay friends with your ex, they will use your presence as a comfort while they get over you. All the time they are building a life with their new love. Then you will feel like a putz for being so kind and supportive and listening to their dramas about the new lover. If you want to make any kind of impact, and let them know what they did was not right, go strict NC from the moment the penny drops.

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...much of this applies also, at the beginning...(slight changes)

 

- (I'm not good enough)

- my ex lied to me and that makes everything between us a lie

- self esteem shattered

- they never loved me if they could do this

- how cowardly they are, (they didn't give a) reason

- Surely the new (situation is temporary), I must have meant more than this?

- they will (change their mind, feel better about us) soon and my ex will come running back

- I must keep tabs to (because it seems like we are still "us" in so many ways)

- If I stay friends with my ex, they might come back

 

I know it is different when there is another person, but much of it seems to be the same...

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Those posts alone cover practically every base of thinking in the respective situations. When my ex left me (saying it wasn't for someone else) I thought everything in the second post...when she told me she confessed her feelings for my sworn enemy, I felt most if not all of the things in the first post.

 

Very well done

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  • 1 month later...

That all makes sense but I am pathetic. I still want to be with him. We have been together 10 years and he just told me he doesn't love me anymore but it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else but I know it does. All I care about is knowing what he is doing and if he is with her. I can't stop.

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Please read this: It may shed some light on why people leave for someone else sometimes. Although, this may not apply to everyone, i do think it applies to most relationships.

I think we are who we are. Some people just want to try to be friends so they can also get over that person too. I do know that this is different especially if one left you for someone else. I don't want to mislead anyone but I do want to explain this as much as I can. When we are in relationships there are challenges and I do mean challenges. We are all different in various ways and trying to live and love someone who is totally different can be challenging for both parties. But i think when those challenges arise in a relationship we (not you and i literally, but which ever party seeks outside companion and advise) sometimes lean closely to an available source for release of those challenges that exist in the relationship. Understand that those challenges can be anything, laziness, selfishness, physical or emotional features, and even stress. When these challenges present one party will seek that one missing asset that exist in their relationship. Now understand that the devil come to kill and destroy, so that party doesn't have to look hard it will soon surface in their view. When this happen all that other party sees is that one or two missing assets from their current relationship, but what that person usually forgets is all the other assets that they have in the relationship. So soon other problems arise in the relationship and the relationship ends because that person feels he or she has everything that they wants. But the key thing to remember is: that person only feels that way because he or she has two different parties giving it to them. Although one would think that the person can realize this, they can't and this is why so many exes return after that relationship fails. Its kinda like the 80/20 rule. This rule states that people will leave a relationship that has 80% of everything it needs only to fulfill that 20% of what they don't have. See we as humans miss and want what we don't have and disregard what we do have. So it really takes a strong person to realize and appreciate what they currently possess. So don't ever assume that something was wrong with you or the other person is better than you because, that's usually not the reason at all.

I hope this clarify some of this separation anxiety from people that leave us for others. I hope i didn't get off track from the above subject.

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I am glad this post got bumped. I recently discovered my ex is involved with another guy and I suspect he was on the scene before she left me. She still contacts and visits me contently all while hiding him from me (I found out myself and have not confronted her). I just feel mad and used.

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I respect them (people who left for who they think better) :

 

They have the right to seek the best for their life, its totally okay, still they let us know that they are not for us, they are not simply the best for us.

 

I just wanna say, good luck for them and be gone for good.

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They (lies) do...

 

Nothing can be done actually when they decided to leave you for others, their heart changed, and i personally don't think it is that easy to make a switch over it.

 

I mean, try to do anything over it will just make it worse....

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my ex wife 5 years ago...

 

friday: we had a nice dinner out.. went dancing.. kissed under the stars and moonlight came home had heartfill passionate sex..

 

sunday: she comes home.."this isnt working... and I dont want it to work"

 

monday: i moved out

 

tues: her new boyfriend moves in

 

tuesday night: wonderfull dream involving.. the house, lots of explosives, me laughing hysterically..

 

wed: I sat up in bed yelled out * * * was that all about!!! are you serious??

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Its kinda like the 80/20 rule. This rule states that people will leave a relationship that has 80% of everything it needs only to fulfill that 20% of what they don't have. See we as humans miss and want what we don't have and disregard what we do have. So it really takes a strong person to realize and appreciate what they currently possess. So don't ever assume that something was wrong with you or the other person is better than you because, that's usually not the reason at all.

I hope this clarify some of this separation anxiety from people that leave us for others. I hope i didn't get off track from the above subject.

 

Yep, right on the button. This drives me crazy. I know for me, I did live with the 20% because the 80% was awesome. Sadly my ex went the other way. A good bump but the OP makes me sad as it seems so hopeless.

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Leaving for someone else is the ultimate disrespect, lying about it only compounds things. No way one can respect either of those choices. It devalues everyone involved on some level and is simply wrong. Seeking a 'better' life at the expense of someone else is wrong and shows a true lack of character. No one can really respect that. IMO.

 

PS welcome back KiNo~!

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Thank you thank you. Everything you said makes sense to me at this moment. I don't think any relationship can be perfect but we had way more good things going for us than bad and I think he found that 20% with someone who he could hang out with and not have to deal with the pressures of money, work, day to day grind of life. They could drink, have fun, and kick it with no worries or strings attached and now it has turned into something more for them or he realized he just wants to be out there with more than just her. I have seen the cell phone bill and the calls but he is denying it and will never admit that he cheated. He says they are just friends. But the worst part is that it is pretty much confirmed thru the calls that he cheated on me but he broke up with me. Why didn't I break up with him? I don't expect that anyone could know or tell because I don't even know. I just know that it just happened and i still want to be with him and i am sitting at home alone on a computer because i don't have the energy to be with friends and he is out somewhere. I know I deserve to be happy and to be loved but I don't know when i can start making it happen. I just hope it comes soon because I cannot feel like this everyday. Sorry probably not making any sense but thanks again for what you said.

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I respect them (people who left for who they think better) :

 

They have the right to seek the best for their life, its totally okay, still they let us know that they are not for us, they are not simply the best for us.

 

I just wanna say, good luck for them and be gone for good.

 

I had some feelings as what the OP mentioned in the initial stage of post-breakup. I asked so many questions and felt it the most humiliating thing in the world of being dumped and somebody else won. Then I realized it's his loss and it's understandable if he chooses her. The only thing that I'll never understand is that then he treated me like dirt (I thought we were deeply in love) all of a sudden. It's more insulting and humiliating than the fact that he left me for another woman.

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And I agree badhabits now that i just read all of the posts after my last reply (I am new at this)...tell me the truth. I feel I deserve the truth. He doesn't want to tell me the truth because then he is a bad person for cheating and not just a person that was in a relationship that ended. But since he will never do this, I think even with videotape he would still go down saying "wasn't me so me asking a million questions about them i guess isn't really going to get me anywhere. But the truth would actually help me because it would be easier to hate him for some reason.

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my ex wife 5 years ago...

 

friday: we had a nice dinner out.. went dancing.. kissed under the stars and moonlight came home had heartfill passionate sex..

 

sunday: she comes home.."this isnt working... and I dont want it to work"

 

monday: i moved out

 

tues: her new boyfriend moves in

 

tuesday night: wonderfull dream involving.. the house, lots of explosives, me laughing hysterically..

 

wed: I sat up in bed yelled out * * * was that all about!!! are you serious??

 

Wow that would drive me insane! Did you continue to have feelings for her after the divorce? Were you looking to get back in a relationship? I really hate how those people are so damn selfish and always are looking for their own needs and no one else’s.

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Just remember this...

 

If they left you for someone else, your relationship was doomed anyway. If it wasn't that 3rd person this time, it would only have been a matter of time before it was someone else.

 

Anyone that can dump someone after a long term relationship and get right into another is a person with a different heart to the one I have.

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