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He .. lied.


Bella20

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Brief story

 

I have always been OK with porn. Always. I watch it myself, think it's completely normal to do so, and felt like it's cruel to ask a guy not to watch. Me and my boyfriend have also watched it together... blah. etc.

 

Now this one time, I woke up from a nap to my boyfriend getting off while watching porn. Somehow it was painful for me to see him getting off while there was a girl naked on the screen, and I freaked out and told him to please promise me he wouldn't watch it anymore. He did.

 

Now today, he admitted to me that he's watched it again maybe 3 times or so since I ask him not to. It hurt me, because I'd asked him in the past if he had and he said no. He told me he felt really guilty for having lied to me and that he was so sorry and etc. Ok, I let it go.

 

Now, is it okay that I let it go? I have 100% trust in my boyfriend and we've been together for three years, we live together, we talk marriage, and everything else in our relationship is great.

 

So there, I'm just wondering.. should I have made a bigger deal of it?

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I have always been OK with porn. Always. I watch it myself, think it's completely normal to do so, and felt like it's cruel to ask a guy not to watch. Me and my boyfriend have also watched it together... blah. etc.

I freaked out and told him to please promise me he wouldn't watch it anymore. He did.

 

Now today, he admitted to me that he's watched it again maybe 3 times or so since I ask him not to. It hurt me,

 

You started off saying you are completely okay with porn and that you watch it yourself. And then you saw him watching it and it freaked you out. You already knew he watched it so why would you freak out? He was jacking off to a naked girl on the screen because that's what guys do when they watch porn. And you're okay with it I thought?. It's not cheating, in my opinion. He is not having sex with the girl on the screen, he doesn't know her. He's with YOU. Asking him to stop watching porn is unrealistic in my opinion...he's just going to do it anyway. Just chill!

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I can give you my opinion, but I have an opinion that not many share about porn. I'm not OK with it. Straight up. I think it's disrespectful to do that if you have a GF and I hate thinking about my boyfriend getting off to random skanks on the internet. It really disgusts me. That being said, yeah, I would be hurt. And I would be pissed that he lied to me. But after a good conversation and communication voicing our sides and coming to some kind of conclusion (clearly he at least feels bad about going back on his word), I would let it go. It's not really something to ruin a perfectly good relationship over, but it is something that should be addressed.

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My boyfriend likes porn. Even has a folder on his computer with over 10,000 pictures of naked girls. At first it bothered me, but I got over it. Porn...alot of guys watch it and do their thing to it. It's just a thing they like to do. Just try to tell yourself..it's only tv, he's not with them. Worked for me.

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I know, that's how I always used to think, I don't know why the image of him actually doing it hurt me!

 

Do you still watch porn? It would be unfair to ask him to stop if you still continue to engage in viewing porn as well.

 

If not, it's still equally unfair to expect your b/f to no longer watch it when you have expressed in the past to be okay with it.

 

If I were you I would just ask him to not watch porn and masturbate at a time where you may stumble upon his activity. I think that's the most fair compromise.

 

If you ask him to stop watching porn altogether, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment because he will watch it again...even if it's only rarely.

 

I would let this one go...

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It's not about the porn, it's about the lying. That's what I'm wondering if I should let go.

 

 

In reference to the lying....I would let that go as well. He confessed to it and stated that he felt bad about the lying.

 

It's very common for men to lie about watching porn when they have been asked by their significant other to stop watching....

 

I wouldn't view this particular scenario as a red flag.

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I wouldn't call what he did lying. He serviced himself. He shouldn't feel a need to report to you about that. I don't think you should belabor this point with him. He's not a child, after all. If you object to porn, then you have an point that needs to be addressed, but since you don't, you will only be creating an problem where one doesn't exist.

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It's not about the porn, it's about the lying. That's what I'm wondering if I should let go.

I'd lie too if you told me it was OK for you to watch porn but it wasn't OK for me to. Actually, no, I wouldn't lie. I'd tell you to hush up and stop being a hypocrite.

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It's not about the porn, it's about the lying. That's what I'm wondering if I should let go.

 

I think what happened is that he saw you freaking out, and he made the promise while not really thinking about it because he just wanted to please you. Later on, he realized that it was something he was not really ok with, and he has come clean to you by telling you that has watched porn since the promise.

 

It's not really fair to ask someone to promise something while you're freaking out at them.

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It's not about the porn, it's about the lying. That's what I'm wondering if I should let go.

 

He only lied to avoid further freakouts from you. How many times have you lied to your parents? It's just easier sometimes - there are things you don't HAVE to tell. He doesn't really HAVE to tell you he was masturbating to porn in private. Why do you have to know? He knows you aren't going to like it, so it was easier for him to just say he stopped. My mom doesn't like if I drink, for example, so I just say I don't. And I barely ever do, just sometimes. It's a lie to say I don't but it'll only upset her if she knew anyway so why bother. By telling you he wasn't watching porn he was just considering your feelings. Dumping him over this seems extremely over the top to me.

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No no, not 'let go' of him, I would never dump him over something like this!! I meant let go of the issue... just... forget it, kind of like I did. Like, I didn't make a big deal about it when he told me... and what I was wondering is whether I should have.

 

I guess not

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I was wondering if you were the Bella from Twilight? j/k...couldn't resist.

 

 

It sounds to me like your relationship is evolving. Usually in the early stages, couples feel like they can tell each other ANYTHING, share EVERY LITTLE SECRET, and have a sense that they've found their soul mate because there is absolutely nothing they keep from one another. This works out fine because there is so much love, and passion in the air, that couples don't realize they don't have much skin in the game to lose at this point.

 

Once the emotional attachment has set in and there is much more vested- things have a tendency to change. Little details are held back, one becomes a bit more reserved with what they say, share or do so as not to rock the boat, and expectations are vocalized.

 

It is perfectly reasonable to expect that your boyfriend not squirt his love goo all over the computer on a porn site while you are sleeping, but it sounds like you're ok with it if you're doing it together. I can tell you it is unrealistic to insist he not watch porn- he's a guy and he will watch it. Period. If you insist on enforcing that rule, the only thing that will happen is that he will lie about it next time so as not to hurt your feelings. Perhaps a compromise would be that he whack-off to porn with discretion without rubbing your face in it (no pun intended).

 

As "open-minded" as he might believe he is with you watching porn, I am pretty sure it would hurt his ego if he caught you going to town on yourself with images of a 9-inch on your laptop.

 

So bottom line- be realistic and honest with yourself and your boyfriend. There is much to be said for modesty, discretion and being a little demure. Extremes in either direction are unhealthy.

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You started off saying you are completely okay with porn and that you watch it yourself. And then you saw him watching it and it freaked you out. You already knew he watched it so why would you freak out? He was jacking off to a naked girl on the screen because that's what guys do when they watch porn. And you're okay with it I thought?. It's not cheating, in my opinion. He is not having sex with the girl on the screen, he doesn't know her. He's with YOU. Asking him to stop watching porn is unrealistic in my opinion...he's just going to do it anyway. Just chill!

 

i second this.

perhaps you really didnt know how you really felt about him watching porn until the truth was right up in your face.

and even though in the beginning you said it was 'cruel' to ask him not to watch you are now asking him not to watch and expecting him to obey.

 

really its quite conflicting.

i'd re-evaluate your feelings on this subject before discussing it with him again.

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It's not about the porn, it's about the lying. That's what I'm wondering if I should let go.

 

Ok, well the lying is a valid point...

 

-BUT-

 

You did a complete 180 degree turn on something that up to this point he thought was perfectly ok. Then you TOLD him what he was allowed to do. Your words were that you ASKED him to stop, but you fully expected him to comply..

 

Now, he is likely confused...Here he thought he had a gf who was cool with the whole porn thing. Suddenly, he's not supposed to enjoy it without your permission?

 

This is why guys lie about it. It feels like a bait & switch. Sometimes, people avoid conflict about issues they deem harmless by lying when they think their partner is being unreasonable. Not ideal, but common.

 

It's really no different that a girl sneaking another pair of shoes into her closet after he's said "enough with the shoes Imelda!"

 

I don't know. I mean, I understand the principle of the thing- you don't want him lying to you. But you also have to recognize that you put him in a position he wasn't expecting you to put him in. He may have also thought that you were just overreacting to catching him in the act alone, that later he dismissed any notion that you were serious about it..

 

Just a few random thoughts...

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Because he confessed and is sorry I think you should try to forgive him. This would be a problem for me if you CAUGHT him in the lie. White lies like that can really damage my trust in somebody and if you are the same, we all have our standards.

 

In your shoes, I would thank him for being open with you about it because openess is really what is important. And, maybe you should have a talk to him about how the porn affects you and how he actually feels about not watching anymore?

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