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Girlfriend's Past


brianc1452

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My girlfriend never seems to want to talk about certain parts of her past with me, except in broad generalities. Whenever I do ask her any detailed questions about it, she says that it is too hard for her to talk about. She also says that she has told past boyfriends about many of the events, and that they have made her feel worse about many of them. The last time we were talking and the convo went toward a part of her past, she said something that bothered me. She told me that her past doesn't matter as far as our relationship is concerned, and that all that does matter is the present and the future. She also said that she probably never will want to tell me about those parts of her past, even if things do get really serious between us, which is the directions they are going. This really, really bothers me. I know that where we are now in the relationship, there probably still isn't the deep commitment and trust for her to tell me these things. But to say that she probably never will want to tell me seems to take away a sense of honest and openness that I think a lifelong commitment should have. Again, it's not that I need to know these things right now, it's the principle that she probably never will want to tell me. We have been together about 7 months now. So my question is, is it me, and am I being selfish?

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although i have made the mistake of asking but in all honesty, its really none of our business. My ex knows i have been around the block afew times but she has never asked me how many. Sometimes she does ask if she is better at some things than other women im with. I remind her that im going to be telling the truth. She persists so i tell her but she usually takes it well. I NEVER ask her about her experiances or if im better than so so. I dont want to know, plus since thier with you, would they really tell you if someone else was better in bed? Prob not.. lol. Best to just let it go man and focus on your relationship. The way she is handeling it is very mature and she definitly values the relationship enough to not tell you things that she worries may jeopordize it. Just leave it be!

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I think that if you were in a committed relationship, then maybe it would be different, but after only 7 months trying to crack her past open for your own curiosity, regardless of the fact that it obviously isn't something she's comfortable discussing, isn't cool.

 

It's hers. She gets to choose how and when and to whom she discloses it.

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i've learned to leave the sexual history and other parts of a persons history at the door when you enter a new relationship.

no good comes from it.

she's right not to disclose these things imo because it sounds like you'd just react like the other guys, successfully destroying a relationship.

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I believe this is a matter of personal choice for both people in a relationship.

 

If someone doesn't want to discuss their past that is their right. But if their partner wants to know that is their right too. It is not unreasonable to want to know if a potential partner's ethical, moral and lifestyle choices are compatible with your own when deciding if they are someone you might want to spend your life with. Certainly it isn't something you ask on the first date but seven months in is when you start looking at that potential. If certain behaviours are deal-breakers for you then why waste any more time if you find that a long-term relationship is going to be unlikely or impossible.

 

If they refuse to talk about their past you then have a choice - accept that choice or move on.

 

There is no right or wrong here - just choices.

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another thing to point out in these cases though DN is that people change over time. and their past doesnt always reflect one iota of who they are at present.

if we all judged people 100% rigid by their past actions then none of us would probably be compatible with who we are with, and i'd say a good amount wouldnt even be date worthy. luckily we are ever evolving beings.

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another thing to point out in these cases though DN is that people change over time. and their past doesnt always reflect one iota of who they are at present.

if we all judged people 100% rigid by their past actions then none of us would probably be compatible with who we are with, and i'd say a good amount wouldnt even be date worthy. luckily we are ever evolving beings.

No one said that you can't take that into account. But, as an example, if a partner has a history of failed relationship after failed relationship it isn't unreasonable to want to know why - so you don't become another in a string of heartbroken people in that person's wake. You might want to know if someone had been a hooker or a drug-dealer. You might want to know if they had children they were not taking responsibility for, or if they had been married one or more times. Not everyone who hides things is just hiding the number of sexual partners because they are embarrassed - there could be other and more serious issues.

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And this is true too DN. all these points are just things that the OP can take into consideration.

it could be something mild, or it could be something severe.

disclosure of standards in my opinion is always the trickiest to discuss with a partner. i can see both sides to it and i agree both are valid.

 

more often than not what we see here on ena is a man who runs through a massive pang of insecurity and ridicules their female partner over her sexual past, no matter if it was more risky or less than his own.

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Yeah like others have said let it go! Be thankful she makes a point of not talking about her past! I've been with girls who made a point of talking about it and I can tell you from experience that you do not want to hear about it no matter how curious you think you are. And just because she doesn't talk about her dating/sexual past with you does not mean that she doesn't trust you. There are just a few things that people do not share with their signifigant others and that is #1 on the list. Bottom line its really none of your business, it all happened before she met you and it needs to stay in the past where it belongs. remember that she is with you and the relationship seems to be going well, so you don't want to let something stupid like this screw it up for you.

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And this is true too DN. all these points are just things that the OP can take into consideration.

it could be something mild, or it could be something severe.

disclosure of standards in my opinion is always the trickiest to discuss with a partner. i can see both sides to it and i agree both are valid.

 

more often than not what we see here on ena is a man who runs through a massive pang of insecurity and ridicules their female partner over her sexual past, no matter if it was more risky or less than his own.

Perhaps although I see many references to male 'players'. But the OP should not be judged by that anyway - he is his own person not a manifestation of other posters and their prejudices.
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I agree with DN. I don't think it is wise to discuss specifics of sexual history but it is important to discuss behaviour patterns such as did the person have casual sexual relationships, one night stands, FBs, FWBs, relationship with someone who was married or involved with someone, cheating on their partner, marriages, babies, abortions etc. These are indicators of a person's personality and values..which of course may change over time..and may not.

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Traits within in a current relationship can definitely be linked to previous events. Be tactful in asking questions or discussing situations. I would advise against any detrimental inquiries especially early on regarding questions of sexual talents or appearances.

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I agree with DN-it's about choices.

 

You have to decide whether you can handle someone keeping things from you. Personally, I could not. One of my highest values in a relationship is disclosure/trust and friendship. To me, there is no point in marrying someone who is only going to share a small part of their life with me. Why would they be my spouse? That would be more like a casual friend.

 

I think of a spouse or life partner as someone who is not afraid to share themselves with me...or else they don't trust me.

 

It seems this girl may be hiding something. If she is keeping these things from you now, I wonder what else she doesn't tell you.

 

I would reconsider this if I were you, because it sounds like you hold communication valuable.

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I also agree with DN. As a suggestion (I've actually done this a few times), the next time this comes up, tell her that you understand that she doesn't want to disclose certain things about her past. Reassure her that you don't want to know any details about her past relationships or sexual escapades. But ask her if she is willing to answer a few basic questions...just to ease your mind. I usually start out easy, like if you've ever declared bankruptcy or been arrested or attempted suicide or committed to a mental institution. That usually gets the ball rolling. Then go towards more of DN's questions about being married, divorced, any children, any affairs, have you ever a hooker, drug addict, etc. Those are very reasonable questions to ask of someone you're considering building a life with.

 

If you're wanting to know her number of past sexual partners...give it up. Let it go. If she's reluctant to tell you about that, you probably won't like the answer.

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You might want to know if someone had been a hooker or a drug-dealer.

This reminds me of the thread by a guy who settled down with a woman and only later discovered that she used to be a prostitute.

 

There are lots of prostitutes and many more part-time or temporary prostitutes, especially in this economy. Many of them will leave that life and settle down. No doubt many men are married to ex-pros.

 

Kind of a tough question to ask though. "Honey, remember that movie Pretty Woman? . . . " :splat:

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