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Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

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Hi,

 

So sorry about the long post - I just needed to get this stuff off my chest, I have no one to talk to. If you get to the end - please reply. Thanks.

 

About two years ago I met a woman in a bar. I was immediately attracted to her and it seemed that she liked me too (although she later denied that she fancied me until later). I'm in my mid twenties and she's about 40. At that point in my life I had never had a real relationship and was pretty inexperienced with sex as well. I was pretty much chatting up any girl that would listen, which wasn't many, so this meeting was a pleasant surprise.

 

During that first meeting she told me I was too young (or something similar) and I said that was perfect because I was not looking for a relationship. I said I could be her lover while she looked for a "real man". Despite the weird situation we really clicked. I began to see her quite regularly as friends which lead after a few months to sex. At this time she was still seeing several other guys, so I didn't feel like it was a relationship proper.

 

It was around then that she first mentioned babies. I immediately made it quite clear that there was no possibility of babies with me. A position which I have maintained consistently over the whole relationship. I once again urged her to begin finding a man who could commit to her plan.

 

Around that time she unfortunately lost her job, which obviously meant she was in a vulnerable state. I felt I could not leave her at that point, but I continually tried to get her to agree to specific point in the future at which we would part. Although she appeared to agree to this, somehow whenever the time came there was some new crisis (from her) which meant we had to go on.

 

The unresolved baby and commitment issues began to lead to regular serious rows, but it seemed that the arguments were always forgotten, rather than resolved. She would sometimes tell me that she wished she could disappear, which really scared me. She told me she thought I had multiple personalities, because I would get weird mood swings and was sometimes very inconsistent in my feelings towards her. I put this down to very mixed feelings about the whole thing. I have massive feelings for her but I know it can't end well. I'm so scared to hurt her.

 

It seems like however many times I tell her no baby, if even one time I slightly hint that I might be considering thinking about it, then she reads that as its definitely on, and when I clarify she goes crazy.

 

The last time it happened she accused me of lieing to her to get sex. If that is true it is 100% subconcious. When we have a bad argument my head literally feels like its burning for the whole next day. Its horrible. Its definitely not worth that for some sex.

 

So in short, am I a bastard for (accidentally) getting into a relationship with a 40yo woman when I definitely don't want a baby in the next 5 years? What can I do from here for the best (given that she's staying at my place and is unemployed)? One thing is for sure, I will never take sex with a girl so lightly in the future.

 

Thanks for any advice/comments.

 

s

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My gut instinct is saying get out now!!!! you are not a bastard, but you will have to take responsibility in part for what is now happening, which is not a nice thing to hear. Look the point is, you met a woman, who at the time, did not want a commitment from you and you were happy to play along with this until i suspect you both met someone better. Through circumstances beyond both of your control, you have both fallen into this co-dependancy relationship, i.e, she gets needy and you feel guilty. By staying in this relationship, you are just prolonging the agony, she wants a kid, thats it, and more importantly you don't, not now anyway!! look imagine yourself in five years time, do you honestly see yourself having a kid with this woman? and what would that be like? would the relationship survive? i suspect not. Your future lies elsewhere, and i think you need to grab the 'bull by the horns' quickly and make decisions for the benefit of both of you!

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Get out of this soon. If not immediately. You never know when a condom could break or The Pill could go unswallowed the day before. Protect yourself and get out.

 

I don't see you as a bastard. She's blinding herself.

 

Get out before she makes a baby. She sounds irrational.

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Hi everyone,

 

Thanks so much for the quick replies. It is such a relief just to tell the story, and really great to hear that I'm not insane! Your feedback has given me the resolution I need to put the last nail in the coffin of my first relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong I will really miss her. She has a lovely side to her character and if it wasn't for the baby issue I think we could make things work.

 

I am confident that she will be OK, she has no difficulty attracting men and although now she is now she is feeling very low, I know from experience her moods are intense but short lived.

 

thanks a gain for the replies, and the best of luck in life and love.

 

s

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you will have to take responsibility in part for what is now happening, which is not a nice thing to hear.

 

You are right of course. I do feel guilty about the situation. I should have got out as soon as I realised that she wants a baby. I acted immaturely by appeasing her (argument -> tears -> comforting -> issue forgotten) when I needed to be cruel to be kind (open, mature disussion -> separation), and of course I get many benefits from the relationship, so perhaps that influenced my (lack of) decision as well.

 

Either way, its time to be a man and take responsibility. I must bite the bullet now to avoid more pain for us both.

 

Thanks for your advice dancingfeet.

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