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too soon for sleep over?


jpmartin

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i've gone out three times with a guy i met online one month ago, it was the best feeling ever...we spent whole day and evening together on the 3rd date.

 

we've discussed about sex, he said he'll wait as long till i'm ready (it'll be my first time). i feel great potential with him, so i don't want to rush anything either.

 

he said he'll come to see me Friday evening and stay with me, this way, he can see me earlier and spend more time with me (he lives one hr away). I think i'll have him sleep on the couch.

 

i miss him too and want him to come Friday but i'm still wondering is the sleepover thing too much too soon although sex is completely off the table?

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It sounds a bit early unless you've done a background check or know people in common. At least make sure that you know his last name, where he lives, where he works, and that his age and all other facts check out in some way lke by a google search. Also, I would wait another couple of weeks and after you've seen him at least 6-7 times. And, be clear with him about the boundaries before he stays over.

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I don't think it's too early at all, especially if he's an hour away. And even if he were to sleep in the bed with you, that doesn't automatically mean he's getting sex. Just a thought. If you're not ready for that step, though, totally understandable.

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I did a search on his name, age, home phone, work,facebook etc and everything seems same as he described. I was in his car once and nothing happened. so i guess he's not a serial killer or something.

 

i'm equally concerned the sleep over thing will put a strain on our young relationship...

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Bleh. I assumed she had already done all the background stuff on him. If she hasn't yet, then don't do it.

 

The man who tried to date rape me (was not successful) was an Ivy educated guy in his 30s who had a nice apartment in a nice neighborhood, clean cut, successful, etc etc. We met through a written personal ad. My mistake was going to his apartment on the second date (not to stay over, just to stop by after dinner). It would have made a difference if I'd waited because I am quite sure that if by the 5th date or so I wasn't "putting out" he would have stopped calling and I would have avoided having my wrists pinned down by him with my saying NO three times before he finally let me go - pretty traumatic and nothing really happened). Oh and 9 years later when I ran into him he did not remember me at all so clearly what he did to me was his M.O.

 

Within the dozen years or so after I met him I heard through several friends how he had harassed them after they met on line, and the last I heard he was kicked off Eharmony for lying about something or other (he had taken to shaving off several years off his age but there probaby were other reasons).

 

That's just one example, but my example is typical unfortunately if the proper safety precautions aren't taken.

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Oh god, that's scary I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're right, you can't be too careful. Just because you have an ivy league education doesn't automatically clear you from being a rapist/murderer... Makes me think of the craigslist killer. He was a med student, no?

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woa... scary.

but i wonder how I can really get to know him even we continue hanging out a couple more times?

last week he was in my place and we fooled around for a few minutes then I sent him home around midnight, he seems a gentleman, i'm still cautious but if he wanted to date rape me, wouldn't he do that on our last date already? maybe sleep over is different?

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i've gone out three times with a guy i met online one month ago, it was the best feeling ever...we spent whole day and evening together on the 3rd date.

 

we've discussed about sex, he said he'll wait as long till i'm ready (it'll be my first time). i feel great potential with him, so i don't want to rush anything either.

 

he said he'll come to see me Friday evening and stay with me, this way, he can see me earlier and spend more time with me (he lives one hr away). I think i'll have him sleep on the couch.

 

i miss him too and want him to come Friday but i'm still wondering is the sleepover thing too much too soon although sex is completely off the table?

 

 

I'm sure that not everyone will agree, but I wouldn't be comfortable discussing sex as soon as the third date. That to me, would come accross as it's a "given" that it will be happening, and I feel more time is needed before deciding if we're a good match, and have potential for a relationship.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't feel the need to rush anything, and it's always safer to take your time in getting to know each other better.

 

Just my opinion...

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woa... scary.

but i wonder how I can really get to know him even we continue hanging out a couple more times?

last week he was in my place and we fooled around for a few minutes then I sent him home around midnight, he seems a gentleman, i'm still cautious but if he wanted to date rape me, wouldn't he do that on our last date already? maybe sleep over is different?

 

Just to be clear I didn't think at that time that ivy educated said anything about his character, but I know there are still silly stereotypes about who is more likely to be a rapist.

 

You can't really get to know him but you will have known him twice as long as you do now and I think that before you have him stay over - which gives the impression that you would be comfortable having sex - you have to have a short but 100% clear discussion about your boundaries "I am not ready to have sex with you yet or to have you sleep in my bed with me". No apologies, no dancing around the subject - one short, clear sentence so that it's totally understood.

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For me? Six months is ideal. Six weeks is the absolute minimum.

 

Every single one of my dating flops I violated the six week minimum.

 

If am attracted to someone and I am getting the return cues, then several months will provide all the energy and opportunity for me to get to know them about as well as I could ever hope to before sleeping with them.

 

However, some of my best relationships came after well over six months of not having sex with the woman while getting to know her. In these cases we were either only friends in other relationships or I was determinedly pursuing for longer than six months.

 

Two last things. Its not all about me getting to know the other person. Its about them getting to know me. Many people get more attached after sex. Its good to know and be known before this deepening -- or whatever it is -- that occurs after sex happens to me.

 

And the anticipation itself, unsatisfied, strengthens the magic in the long haul. I don't know why it is. But I believe it to be true. Along these lines it has been shown that people who wait to get married before having sex have better and more long-lasting marriages.

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