still trying to understand

[confusedandsad]

started blaming myself again.

 

-because of the fact I was not over my ex at the time I started dating my boyfriend. and thinking that my avoidance of some intimacy toward him turned him off.

 

-because of my lack of emotional connection to boyfriend in the beginning and being physically attracted to his room mate during the first month of me getting to know my boyfriend.

 

-because of my lack in a full life of my own. Maybe I did not have enough things going on for myself. My boyfriend had so much life experience.

 

-because I would not be so loving and giving the first three months because I still was not sure what I wanted. I was not connected yet but starting to be. I felt like it pushed my boyfriend away.

 

-because of my family

 

-because of my body - the things that I don't like or would change...maybe he did not like either. I’m not as in good of a shape as my boyfriend.

 

-because maybe it was my personality/ spiritual beliefs / political views

 

-because maybe it was that I let myself move to fast with my boyfriend

 

-because I sometimes slacked and was not at my best physically

 

-because maybe I let my boyfriend pay for too many things. I think I did my part. and sometimes he would not let me pay anyway. But maybe I was selfish?

 

his reasons...(that he told me):

 

-because I kept him at arms length in the beginning

 

-because I was stand-offish and mean at times

 

-because of my attitude about the relationships and him in the beginning, he lost feelings for me- and decided to stop trying and waiting for me.

 

-because I was not considerate of the time he sacrificed for me. He was tired a lot from his third shift. I was selfish in what I wanted.

 

-because his job/living arrangements/other stresses in his life are getting in the way of him dedicating his time to a relationship.

 

-because he does not want to hurt me

 

-because he is not sure if he wants kids

 

-because he does not think he is good for anyone now.

 

 

I know.... this is probably stupid of me to do. I don't know why I get caught in this cycle. Why I think it's my fault to begin with. I don't know why I keep think it is. Is it? Was I the cause of this mess?

[lostandhurt]

In the end does it matter? Really! Think about it. The past can't be undone but can be learned from. You listed quite a few things that you have given some serious thought to. It seems you did learn and are learning from all this.

Yes you probably got into this relationship before you were healed enough but like I said that can't be undone. Perhaps you were trying to replace your old bf with a new one instead of beginning a brand new relationship leaving the old behind.

It is very good that you are trying to understand but putting blame at this point is pointless. Continue to learn who you are and what it is you want for your life. This includes your body image. It seems you have placed quite a bit of importance on your body and appearance which we all do to some extent but yours seems a little unhealthy. Remember he chose you as you are, not what you could become like some makeover show.

 

Lost