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Is this question ok???


JohnTheMan

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Hey all,

 

My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago. Since then she has randomly contacted me from time to time telling me she misses me or is thinking about me. The initial breakup was for space and we became codependent on each other. Me more than her. She text me recently to ask if we could meet face to face after 'the dust settles' and we have finished moving out of our shared apartment. She has told me that we moved in too quickly and things went too fast. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her but I do realize there was some codependency. I still believe we are perfect for each other. I made plans after she broke up with me to work out of state for a few months. I told her that and she seemed to think it would be a good idea for us and myself. That we were fighting for each other by regaining our independence and eventually consider working things out. I have no serious indication other than her words. The breakup stands and I wont see her again before I leave. I am scared that the long time apart will further separate us for life. I dont know what all this means; however, I still love her and always will. I am willing to do anything to work things out with her. She has repeatedly told me she doesn't want to see anyone else and has no intentions of this. I am having a hard time believing that since we have no committment at all to each other. She swears this is the case and that we cannot gain independence if we are doing it for each other. She gets insulted that I dont believe her...

 

My question is: if she decides she wants back in, can I ask if she has been with anyone else since me or gone on dates? It bothers me to think she would. To me it would be as if she was checking to see if she could find better or just messing around. That is not real love and never will be in my opinion. Thats why I kinda want to know... women out there, is this question too insulting or wrong??? Honestly, I dont think i would take her back if she was with someone else or dating after us. Too me it would indicate that I truly loved her but she has different feelings....

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I don't think this question is insulting at all, I can see where yo are coming from. If you guys decide to come back together then there should be no secrets..for me honesty is the best solution always.

 

Plus you don't want to come back together and not ask her and have this be an issue in the relationship. If you guys come back together ask whatever you like and then decide if you really want to be with her.

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I am willing to do anything to work things out with her.

Does this NOT include forgiveness, then?

 

I'm not a woman, but I am a guy in a very similar situation -- moved in together too quickly, moved too quickly in general, and she was extremely dependent on me (she didn't even have a license!)and is now finding her own independence for the first time in her life. She needs to find out what she wants by finding her own independence, so why does that have to exclude seeing other people? She'll learn a lot about the past relationship through exploring her own independence, but she can also learn more about the past relationship by exploring other relationships, maybe even more so.

 

Now, if she's doing it just to mess around... depends on you, I guess. Personally, I think everyone needs a little play. Some women love sex (my ex certainly does) and I wouldn't hold it against them if you truly love her

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is this question too insulting or wrong???

No, it's not -- honestly, if you can't communicate with her about something like this maybe you shouldn't be together. Not saying that's case, just saying I think it's an appropriate question in a healthy relationship. If you can't ask, it sends up some red flags, IMO. It should go without saying, but this question only gets asked if you two decide to have another go at it. I wouldn't even bring it up in the conversation about getting back together -- ease into the reconciliation, reestablish trust, and then ask. Ultimately, if she wants to reconcile, does it REALLY matter?

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I think your concern is valid. Unfortunately some people break up to avoid “cheating” on their SO. In other words, what happens when you are broken up is inherently ok because you were technically not together at the time it happened. At least that’s the rationale a lot of people use. It can be someone’s way of justifying being intimate with someone outside the confines of their relationship. Since it would obviously bother you if she were to be with someone else, and I don’t think that is completely unreasonable since she did break up with you, I think it’s totally appropriate for you to ask. Hopefully she will be honest with you about it.

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Floridafan,

I agree with you on this. I'm not sure if it matters to me, but I know that I don't need to be with other people to know I want to be with her. Yes, I like to get play as well, but after falling in love with her I have way less desire to go out and satisfy those needs. But your right in saying that I should be able to get this information IF we decide to work things out. I think the general consensus is this question should be asked.

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Also, l0vel0rn,

 

For awhile I told her I didn't believe she didn't want to be with other people and she was upset by it. But I have had trouble believing it because she is very attractive and gets hit on all the time. Even in front of me. She doesn't do too much to stop it and is a flirt, but has always claimed to be loyal to me. I believe her while we were TOGETHER. That doesn't mean something wasn't developing in while we were together. So for me it would be important to get confirmation that wasn't the case. Better question, if she answers 'yes' do I ask who? Because then it might be something that started while we were together and for me, YES this is a problem.

 

Thanks all for your responses.

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Lastly,

 

Forgiveness. This would be for the person I thought I knew. Mistakes are one thing and an apology and explanation is absolutely nessecary. Otherwise, I would feel as though this new development I learned about in this person is not the same person I believed I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

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No, I don't think you should ask her that. It's as if you're expecting her to honor some level of commitment, even though the two of you broke up.

 

I understand what you're saying---it might reflect some character flaw you didn't know about---but the character flaw really seems to be that she didn't love you as much as you loved her, as reflected in the fact that you won't be going out on dates. I think since she broke up with you, you kind of already know that, don't you? At least, you know she's less sure about the relationship than you are. What new information will you gain by asking this?

 

A related problem is what happens next. If you ask and she says, yes I dated, what will you do with that information? Are you prepared to tell her that's a deal breaker? If so, maybe you should tell her that now, so she understands the choices she's making. If not, then there doesn't seem to be much point in asking. You certainly don't want to go down the road of asking, Who?, Did you sleep with him?, etc., because there's no point in it. Either you can accept that she exercised her freedom or you can't. Do the details really matter?

 

If it were me, I'd just accept the breakup, assume she's free to do whatever she wants, and if/when you end up reconciling, consider it all water under the bridge.

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That is up to you. I think the answer of “yes” should suffice though. Knowing who probably won’t make a difference. Flirting can be harmless, but if she flirts with other guys in front of you and does little to stop them when they are obviously flirting with her, I would be concerned. A lot of girls I know will begin talking about their boyfriend a lot to turn other guys off. If he is with her, she will cuddle up next to him or kiss him or something to make it clear she is unavailable to others. Someone who really cares about you will care about how you perceive their actions. I personally would not want to do anything to make my girlfriend suspicious of my motives with another woman. It’s called respect. Some girls will flirt to make you jealous. A jealous reaction tells them you care.

 

The thing I am reading here though is that you two fought a lot. That is not a healthy relationship, and it will only lead to bitterness and eventually to a break up. She may have a valid point in wanting to put some space between the two of you for you both to figure yourselves out. You need to find out why you were always fighting with her. And no, I don’t mean you fought over leaving the toilet seat up. When people pick fights over mundane things that never bothered them before, it is usually a sign that something else is bothering them, something they are not comfortable addressing. It could be insecurity, or it could be fear of losing the other person. It could be a lot of things. You need to be completely honest with yourself about why you two fought all the time, and you need to be honest about your role in the fighting.

 

She may really only want space to figure things out and may not be looking to see other people. You have to consider this possibility too. You need to talk to her, and you need to be honest about what you are thinking and feeling. Hopefully she will do the same. Then you need to respect her wishes. If she really wants to see other people, there is nothing you can do about it. It’s also better for her to be honest about it than to cheat on you behind your back. If she really wants to work on things to become a better person and a better mate, then you should take the time to do the same. You should keep the channels of communication open between the two of you and remain friends. You need to discuss why it was that you were both fighting so much and work on resolving those issues and insecurities. Perhaps then you will both grow from the experience and become better partners when and if you do get back together.

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If she says she has... the just move on... If she says yes then I am in her shoes and honestly the honesty seems to have been held over my head. I feel like my hurt and sadness in just punishment for my fooling around. It's hard to overcome and even if my bf isn't holding it over my head it still really feels like it and it hurts so much all the time. Read the post entitled "love" if you want to know my situation

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