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I've been with my current boyfriend for a little over 10 months now. We lived together for about half of it and fought non-stop. I am, or used to be extremely jealous but since dating him it HAS gotten alot better than what it used to be, at the beginning of the relationship i had a run in with an ex which i basically "emotionally" cheated on him...So he has a hard time trusting me. I take responsibility for that. Whenever something is bothering me i want to just, sit down and talk about it, but he gets too annoyed to even talk civilly. He will just yell at me and tell me to leave him alone and all this other crap and will walk upstairs, leaving me to bawl my eyes out. When i try to talk to him he will just ignore me or make "witty" comments to make me feel like * * * * .

 

Recently I moved out of his house, and after some time, he started to be really really nice to me. And i thought things were going so great and was so happy. One night a couple of days ago i called him and asked him if i could pick him up at work...he didn't really act like he wanted me to, but ended up saying yes anyways...we had a really great night that night and a good half of the day. I guess i had done a few minor things to annoy him and he stopped in a parking lot and got out and left...and i had no idea what i did to make him not want to spend time with me anymore. I took my car and caught up to him and convinced him to get in and i would take him where he wanted to go, which was home. I sat on his couch quietly waiting for him to apologize for overreacting and making me feel so upset...but he didn't. It turned into the huge fight. He insults me and says so many things that really really hurt, i get so frustrated with him not cooperating that i just start to yell and freak out, because when i just try to talk he says things to upset me. I'm so confused. I get upset when he doesn't make an effort to talk to me because i feel like he just doesn't care. I call him back when he hangs up on me because the conversation doesn't get finished and just leaves me upset, when he leaves for work for 10 hours and i have to sit here and feel * * * * ty until i can talk to him again. He gets angry when i post things about how i have no boyfriend and how im upset like he has never told me 325 times that he is done and is sick of this and blah blah blah. Being nice and talking would solve so many problems but it's all my fault. It's my fault that he's stressed and got talked to at work. It's my fault that he just "needs time" and he doesn't just sit down and say "just give me a bit to calm down and then I will talk to you later" he just yells and apparently i should automatically know...he won't take responsibility for any of our problems. Should i just go along with all of this and do what he says and not try to call him and beg him to say goodnight to me or talk to me before he leaves and just give him all this stupid time in the world when i have to sit here and feel like * * * * and he can sit there and be perfectly fine? or should i ignore it...i dont know what to do...=[ i'm so hurt...

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First of all, you don't have to sit there feeling **** until you can talk to him again. Get a hobby or find something to do that stimulates your mind. Sitting around is your choice and its unhealthy.

 

I'd be upset if my bf posted that he was single on the web. You're essentially broadcasting the instability of your relationship to the world and that's humiliating. Your problems should be between you and him. Not you, him, and the world.

 

Why are you in this relationship? What exactly do you get out of it? There is no open communication, you're both playing games, you don't work out your problems effectively, trust is lacking, there seems to be alot of underlying resentment on both sides, and from your post it doesn't sound like there is very much respect between the two of you.

 

I am not calling you a child but the games would wear on any relationship and you're both guilty.

 

Relationships shouldn't take the amount of work this early on that is going to be required for yours to work. What are you staying for? Infidelity isn't the only deal breaker.

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He was not upset that i posted that for everyone to see. He was upset that i was saying i was single at all. and to quote, it said "No boyfriend, no friends, what the * * * * ." No you're right, it IS my choice to sit here and feel this way. But I will feel this way no matter what I do. (plus i live in maine, there is nothing to do, haha)

 

I'm sorry that i didn't explain correctly. It's hard for me to explain exactly what goes on and to not sound like a complete idiot doing it. I am not playing games by any means, what I am doing is apparently pushing too hard. This isn't a game to me. But apparently it is to him. And that's what upsets me. There's no way to explain so anyone will understand apparently. I guess you'd have to sit in the same room as us.

 

The simple explanation is that I annoy him to his breaking point without even trying, and he flips out and starts spouting off things that really hurt. When, if we could just sit down and talk about it everything would be so much better. It's all about anger issues and pride and being stubborn and I don't know how to break that.

 

i never said i wasn't guilty, i take responsibility for things that i do wrong. But he's full of contradictions and it's confusing.

 

Yes, i would like to just keep our problems between us, but like i said, I can't talk to him about it. And when i get angry i just start talking to anyone who will listen. It takes respect to get respect and I guess i'm responsible for ruining his respect for me a long time ago. I just feel like i've more than paid for my mistakes by how he makes me feel. I feel like nobody should deserve to feel like they are worthless to someone who means so much to you and who has told you that you mean alot to them in return. It doesn't make sense. I've actually asked him to tell me what I can do when I get angry about something, and he refuses to say anything or come up with any ideas...

 

And i'm in this relationship because it seems to be all worth it to me...call me stupid.

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i never said i wasn't guilty, i take responsibility for things that i do wrong. But he's full of contradictions and it's confusing.

 

I've actually asked him to tell me what I can do when I get angry about something, and he refuses to say anything or come up with any ideas...

 

And i'm in this relationship because it seems to be all worth it to me...call me stupid.

 

 

A few thoughts. The communication breakdown is pretty apparent, as is the lack of mutual respect and patience. He resents you - in part for the cheating, probably for pushing him to talk, and likely for other ills. So when he's trying to be nice, it means he's trying; when he blows up, it means the underlying feelings bubble to the surface and spill over. I cannot tell you if he can work through his resentment, but what I can say is that it's not particularly useful to say that 'you've been punished enough by his behavior.' Relationships are not about punishments and * * * for tat. It's about understanding the deeper feelings he felt when you cheated and the motivations that drove you to do so.

 

Additionally, you seem to channel your feelings of anger into futile attempts to control. You call him back when he clearly doesn't want to talk; you tell him to give you suggestions when he clearly needs time to think; you say he's not cooperating with you but you have not mentioned trying to cooperate with his communication style.

 

Instead of being defensive, start to view yourself as an agent of change. If you can learn to temper your reactions, get yourself busy while he takes space, and speak in a calm, non-defensive manner, you will find that at the very least he reacts with more calm as well and in time he may open up more. Right now he doesn't trust you. He's angry at you and he's caught between anger and fear.

 

If you think this relationship is worth it, then ask yourself is it worth it due to all of the drama? If you genuinely want a connection that's more stable, then ditch the drama, take a couple of days not talking to him and reflecting on the relationship, and come back with a little humility and openness.

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"I feel like nobody should deserve to feel like they are worthless to someone who means so much to you and who has told you that you mean alot to them in return. "

 

You are absolutely right. One need not be in the room with you to see how toxic this relationship has become.

 

He perceives some of your actions as game playing and I'm not taking his side but I'd have to agree. You may not believe that posting your relationship status is an announcement to the world but that is exactly what it is and it sounds like there is a power struggle going on between the two of you. How would you feel if he posted his singledom every time he was upset? Its a game and that is probably a fraction of why it upsets him so.

 

You are not communicating with him effectively and probably reacting as you are out of hopelessness, resentment, frustration, and the fact you obviously don't know how to communicate with him. There is also an element of rejection I sense from you from how you've described his reaction when you try to communicate with him.

 

I'm going to be honest in saying that there is enough to extrapolate from your OP to determine there isn't very much left to salvage or work on. Why is it worth it to you to save a relationship with somebody that harbors so much resentment and animosity toward you?

 

You know that he is not treating you well and you admit that you are not innocent either. That is a start. Are you ready to commit to working through his resentment and lack of desire to communicate? You may want to but are you mentally/emotionally up to the task?

 

It sounds like he may already think its over, feels trapped, and is looking for a way out. If that is the case then no amount of work is going to save the relationship. I know I've posted advice previously somewhere on how to improve communications and will post it once I locate it. It may help, it may not, and it may just be too late.

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I found it and can't figure out how to link it so I will cut and paste. Its very relevant to your communication problems but I'm not sure that there is much you can do at this point.

 

"First of all, it doesn't sound like you two have very healthy communication. I touched on that in my original response to your thread. There has to be an equal effort in resolving this problem of yours and it is going to have to start with you. The reason I believe its up to you to start the change is because you are on here recognizing the issues and wanting resolution. Whereas he has shut down.

 

This is going to take a tremendous amount of patience and some tough skin on your part. When his verbal attacks begin you must remain calm and sometimes you may have to walk away. Do not give his attacks power by responding to them because he will use your reactions against you. Likely there are times when it may seem he does this intentionally and very likely many of those times he is.

 

Do not respond to his verbal attacks and hold back when you feel compelled to attack him. In order to open the lines of communication you must first establish that he can communicate his frustrations without worry about a reaction. Once you have gained that trust you must be prepared that he will unleash on you and be prepared to resist the temptation to respond negatively.

 

Pick your battles carefully and once a matter is resolved keep it in the past. Is it worth the fight? Ask yourself that before you confront him.

 

If you are able maintain strength and composure but his outbursts escalate then it may be time to reconsider your future plans with him. He may have already reached his point of no return and could feel trapped in something he doesn't know how to get out of.

 

Hope this helps. "

 

I will also suggest that once you have made a point, give him space to let it absorb. Pecking at him with your points is only going to exacerbate his resentment and frustration. If you make an effort but find it too hard to restrain yourself then you may want to accept its over.

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yes i understand thank you. Its hard when both of us have a bad temper. And i have this extreme OCD, obsessive thought and guilt about EVERYTHING going on. And i do feel guilty for talking to other people and complaining about about what he's doing that upsets me to them. But it's a reaction and it makes me feel a bit better. i always try to say that it's not all him. The bad part about this is that i feel like i have to tell him, then he gets angry...i im even starting to feel guilty about talking about it on here..haha

but this isn't an OCD forum =P

 

I just don't want to feel like i'm giving in to something, when i feel like he should change his ways as much as i should have to change mine...and it really hurts that he doesn't want to talk to me...which is why i can't leave him alone...

 

maybe i just shouldn't be with anyone. haha

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He is not going to change. The fantasy needs to end. Too often a woman's fantastical ideas blend with reality and its hard to differentiate. He is NOT going to change and the sooner you abandon such notions the better.

 

I know it can be hard for some people to resist talking about private things with others but it is a toxic behavior that poisons every relationship involved: Your relationship with your bf and your relationships with others that you run around blabbing to. FYI: People are naturally repelled by negative energy and you're expelling negative energy when you go around blabbing about things you are unhappy with. Your friends may eventually drop the eye rolling and plead for you to dump him or altogether become scarce because it is so emotionally draining. I'm not trying to be mean but you should be made aware of how self-destructive this behavior is.

 

I believe you may be right that it could be best for you to try working on yourself before being involved in a relationship. You can't give somebody that the deserves the best of you very much when you can't control your own internal turmoil. I don't know that this guy deserves the best of you but if you want to try to make it work you're going to have to learn to hold back.

 

Don't feel guilty for being on this forum. That's what its for. It is probably a better venting medium than the destruction you are doing to the other relationships you have.

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alright. i guess i'll try to do the things that you guys suggested. It's going to be hard for me though. No giving in to the insults and just letting him be when i hurt so much...to be honest i already knew all these things work...but i can never follow through. I let his actions hurt me too much.

 

I thought about suggesting him coming to counseling with me, i think it would really help to hear something from a professional. It would help him understand about my ocd issues i think. But i don't think that is possible.

 

thank you for your advice, i hope everything will work out.

 

let me ask you one more question though. Do you think i should be telling him when i feel guilty about such things as talking to people about him? Or is that something i should keep to myself and not feel guilty about...i mean he knows i do it , and it upsets him rightfully..because he thinks that i only tell a one sided story, which sometimes is true, i get so caught up and have to remind myself to say its not all him. then i feel guilty that i have to even remind myself to say that, or that i am saying it just so i won't feel guilty. then i feel selfish. ohh what a great chain reaction =\

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What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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