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We're on a break...how did you feel during yours?


tattoobunnie

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Just when I thought I had something good going...the last month of our 8+ month stint, my boyfriend and I after one particular fight had become more distant from each other. On Thursday, we decided to take a break to gage if after a few weeks, we are right for each other.

 

We both have some baggage, and I can see how it's affecting our choices in looking for a marriage commitment. He said, after 9 months, we should have been talking about moving in together, whereas I would think 9 months is too soon at this point. While I did ask him a few weeks ago where he would like to be in the future. He took it as me saying, "where is this going?" Yikes...to which he told me on Thursday, "it's not fair to you, I'm not in a marriage state of mind. Probably next year." He then brought up some behaviors I've been displaying when I'm planning to give someone the heave-ho. The get really boring-kind. And that he notices that sometimes we're like friends, not lovers.

 

And while it's only been a few days...I miss him, and I mean, he's like my best friend...we tell each other everything. So while I've been hanging out with friends doing fun stuff from boating to city exploring...it stinks without knowing I can just call him up and share what our day brought us.

 

We didn't set any ground rules like when we'd meet up again. At that point, I wanted to give him the space. I did slightly mock him about getting any girl he wants in his fancy sweats, considering he was joking about how hot he looked in them. He got mad that I insinuated that, and that meeting someone else was far from his mind. The only rule is to not talk for a few weeks. I can handle that.

 

I finally got to watch the movie, Love & Sex, after trying to find a copy for 8 years...it was on TV last night. It really epitomizes how much of a screw up I can be. It makes me wonder, if I choose stinky dudes, or there is something in me I really have to work on. It got two stars considering it's no fairytale.

 

I really wonder, and this is my question. Has anyone been in a break before? How did you feel during it? Did you have a blast, and still realize they were the one for you? Have you ever taken one where you still wanted them, and they no longer wanted you? Did you find them beneficial? What did you do to keep yourself busy? Did you talk during them?

 

Thank you!

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I hate breaks so much. Everyone always says to me a break is the end, a break usually ends up as a break up. And in my experience its true. Sometimes it works out and time and space is good and makes you realise you WANt to fix it.

 

I felt crappy during my breaks. I hate being in limbo, not knowing really one way or the other.

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Thank you for sharing!

 

I'm not sure if I should stay positive, hopeful...though I do notice that many of my actions are made without partnership in mind, like going house hunting on my own, making future plans. I question if I have what it takes to create a successful partnership. A great balance of independence and dependence. Or it is the person I am with, that I do not dream of a future together. I was burned so badly in the past, the kind where you dream of a big-bright future together only to learn it was a weapon for deceit and manipulation. The thought of rebuilding with someone, and while he is really special and admirable, it's become scary to me.

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Im on a break right now and its been a rough 2 weeks. He said that he needs time to think about the relationship and finish working on some things that have been stressing him out. We dont have an end date so I dont even know if he will even call me if he decides that this is the end...I dont like him having all the power right now. We dont even communicate... As of right now I don’t like them and it feels more like a break up then anything.

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Stinks! It's only been a few days...I don't know how I can manage limbo another few weeks. I really feel like, while I won't, shouting, "I miss you! Either let's fight or flight!" The first few days, I felt I could swing it, but it's hit me like a ton of bricks today.

 

I tried stopping by his place to go pick up something I needed, thinking he would be at work, so no weird run in. And he was home! Which is most often not like him to take off. So of course I turned around, and went back to work.

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yeah, the first week was brutal. I decided to have a coffee break with him after day 7 to discuss having an ending date to it or just ending the relationship and he didnt want to have to think about it right now because of all his work.. I didnt know if I should be happy because he didnt want to end thing right there or be upset because he didnt want to put some time into thinking about our relationship...

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Why did he agree to a coffee break if he had no intention of talking about what was going on? That's strange. Did you ask for one, or did he? Yeah, twenty questions, but it does help. Have you told him over the two weeks that you miss him, or are you waiting on him making the first kind gesture?

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I'm on day one of my break.

 

It sucks.

 

It was actually my idea because he was acting very distant after a fight we had. And when I suggested it, he quickly agreed. We have an end date, so it makes things easier. And I have hope that things will work out...although, I feel like he has most of the power right now because the fight really made him feel weird.

 

As much as I hate it, I need this alone time. After being with him for a year and a half, I've forgotten what it was like to be single. I have the ability to ask myself whether i really love him or if I'm just dependant on/used to him. But, like you said, I really miss my best friend. All I want to do is hug him right now.

 

We were both in the wrong. We both hurt each other. And neither one of us sees the other person's point. But, at the same time, we're so compatible. And the only time we fight usually is when we're drunk/at parties -- things that can be avoided.

 

So, I guess I already know how I feel - I want to stay together. But it just scares me that he may be exploring the other possibility. And I just have to sit here and suffer...

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Im not sure why he agreed, maybe he didnt think I wanted to talk about it... he did call on the first Sunday to see how a funeral I had to go to went so I thought that maybe he had enough time to think and we could talk. I haven't talked to him at all since the coffee break and I am waiting for him to initiate the next contact since hes the one who wanted the break... I figured if I were to keep on bothering him then it would only make things worse. He should be finished his big project by the 22nd.. so I was thinking if he didnt message or call me by then that it would be ok for me to do it... but then again if he hasnt by then he probably doesnt want to be with me right? He did say he might need at least 2 months... but I think thats just too long.

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Well...I've been endlessly reading about what to do on a break. The best way to not feed his ego, and really make him wonder is to do no form of communication. I did find some power and comfort in that. Men are expecting a call, text, message...but the best way to take out their security blanket is to go live and have fun. I've been setting up group outings, signed up for belly-dancing, and have plans for attending a couple of parties, and I'm blowing through books.

 

I was planning to email him a rebuttal on one completely incorrect judgment call, but after reading that...I know for us to work, he needs to get over a few things, and we need to focus on the positives; what we appreciate about each other.

 

Don't get me wrong...I wake up, and feel so bummed that he's not there. I just know sitting around would kill me.

 

P.S. Alicia1485 - Tequila and Rum makes people a little extra fiesty...stick to Vodka, keeps the drunkenness clean.

 

P.S. Chloe03 - Two months? Two months is pretty extensive. If you can get the time/little dough...I'd say go on some mini-breaks, or power-weekends.

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You are completely right about the no contact tattoobunnie, they like to think that we are there waiting for them and are happy doing so... I also agree that the hardest times are at night and in the morning.. the little routines are gone and you just feel so lonely lying there in bed... I almost gave in last night to call and ask how things were doing with his project but then I remembered about the last time we talked just a week ago and got upset and didnt want to bother... I dont think he would want the mini breaks.. he seemed really sure of himself that we wouldnt work out until he finished his project and found a job. (we are both writing up to finish college, hes done in a few weeks and I still have until December). Is it selfish of me to not want to wait that long? I dont mind if he doesnt have a job yet, I know he will get one eventually and I dont mind paying for outings and such... I just want to be with him.

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Oh, I meant, mini-breaks with friends, or going to see friends. Or a place you've been meaning to get to. So hmm...all contingencies rest of him finish his project and getting a job? That could take more than two months...getting the job part, settling in. He is being unfair to you. He's putting you on hold, like tunnel-vision so you don't look for someone else, and no one can have you, but him when it's convenient.

 

I wouldn't wait. And I don't mean go and be with a bunch of dudes, I mean...don't let your choices and the paths you take revolve around him. Instead try treating it like the last few days, weeks, months of singledom. A time to frollick and have no one to answer to. No egg shells to walk on. Liberation.

 

It's unfair for him to think that you would wait that long. Don't. Whatever you do, force yourself to create joy and new memories without him. Anything to get out of the house.

 

And no always paying part till he mans up...a jobless man with a paying girlfriend is emasculating...leading to resentment. It's fun to treat once in a while, but he telling you with this break, he wants to be able to hold his own.

 

There's an awesome link I have at my home computer about our situation. I post it later after work.

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oh yeah that makes more sense.. I have been going away on weekends and trying to keep busy every night...but I just always feel bummed out even when Im with friends.. I just really dont like my situation... like you said it is unfair but its like there is nothing I can do about it either. When we did talk last week he said that if I want we can break up but he just have time to think about things right now.. but I dont want to break up if we were to end up together after all of this.. and he isnt busy 24/7, he is also going out on weekends and weeknights, partying with his friends.. Im just wondering how much of a break does someone need to figure things out?

 

I guess it wouldnt be the best thing for a relationship if I were to pay for everything.. I just want him want to try things out and see if they work instead of just assuming that they wont.

 

Hows your situation going? Hope you're dealing with it better than me!

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From knowing a broad spectrum of men, friend, ex, family, lover...if the man wants to take you out, rich, poor, he will find a means to do so, whether it's from rubbing two pennies together. Hence, why you're willing to do so...it's love and care.

 

Well...time...I have heard of people taking 24 hours to a year to figure it out. Some on breaks, some broken up.

 

Besides being with him, what do you really what. Take him out of the equation. While we want to see them in our lives, plan futures with them, fundamentally, what do you want? I caring supportive partner, with you through thick and thin, mutual respect and admiration. Or some dude that get tweekish, and treat you like your cramping his style. While good things are never easy, all you have is the support you give yourself in what you want out of the one life you have.

 

Morning was rough...it's now later afternoon, and I feel good. Booking a trip to China today. And while I know he really wants to go...my life will go on...with no answer to what I am waiting for.

 

Sure...tonight and the morning...I may feel blue again. I will just have to keep refocusing on the myself, the positives, and the world I want.

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Oh...my assistant, he and his now-wife broke up for three months while dating, and now on their 2nd year of marriage. My brother and his now-wife broke up for a month while dating in the beginning, and now married 11 years happily with 3 beautiful kids.

 

Breaks happen, but don't put up with crap.

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Congrats on booking your trip! I’ve been thinking of doing something similar in October. I am trying to go out and stuff, I’m just finding it hard to go back to the mindset I had when I was single…

 

What you said about your assistant and brother is really encouraging I know I shouldn’t put up with crap but I do know that he his stressing out right now and having me constantly asking about us wouldn’t help the situation at all... Ill give him some more time until I know he is done then maybe could try to have another chat or something... unless that would also be a bad idea and I should just wait for him to contact me first.. the only problem I see with that is that I don’t know if he would contact me if he decided to just not continue the relationship...

 

Have you contacted him at all since you two went on your break?

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Nope. I don't plan to...though he can gather a few things on what I've been up to on my Facebook page. I also don't plan to hold my breath till he calls.

 

Of course our little voice has us getting paranoid that they won't call...they do, and he will. Don't sell yourself short. I bet you're hard to forget (in a good way). And if doesn't have the decency to call or confront you in any form to break it off...the guy is a dud, and you would have then dodged a giant bullet!

 

But no real waiting...think of it this way, he's in your mind, buzzing about, replaying scenarios in your head of what you could have done differently, what you want to do; I guarantee the exact same thoughts are going through his. It may not be as intense, or it may be completely tense, but you're still there (foreground/background). Let it get to the point that he begins to wonder, "heck, she knows my projects done on the 22nd, where's the expected attention?!"

 

Let him wonder, as you're sipping some umbrellaed drink having some fun. Or at least back to yourself where you're not on your tippy toes trying to please someone else. At this point, he doesn't deserve it. You love him. I love my guy. But appreciation and concern should be both ways. He moves, then you move...mimic...don't jump the gun.

 

I do really want things to work out. I have no plans to go trolling. But I'm gonna use this time to my full advantage.

 

And the crap stuff...I run a few businesses, am busy and highly stressed, while today I'm taking it a little easy cuz I have pretty extensive days to follow...with my best friend, family, or my lover, I'd make the time...always.

 

The will of not contacting is a real measure of how you can hold up without him. That he is not the main source of fulfillment (I know that's not how it is at all, but that's what guys wind up thinking at times). Additional contact would only extend the length of the break as well. Hold strong. Stay firm. Have fun...and in groups if possible. Harder to wallow with a group, then with one or two buds.

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Thats exactly how I feel, I keep on thinking what I could have said or done differently so that all of this could have been avoided.

 

I should just reread this post over and over again when Im feeling down, its really encouraging!

 

Thanks, hopefully I can keep this positive mindset for more then a few hours

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Here are the two links I wanted to post.

 

The first one is "What to Do If Your Boyfriend Asks For a Break"

link removed

 

This one is, which is of course common sense, but since there are so many thoughts racing through our minds, it can be hard to focus and stay course. It's an interesting break-down of what to do to get your ex back. While we're only both teetering on the situation, it really gives good examples of what men consider, and helps you to chill-back:

link removed

 

I don't think it's actually necessary to get the e-book they're mentioning...this article covers a good basis of things.

 

I was in his area this morning, and decided to stop by to grab a few things, knowing he would be at work. I went in, then upstairs, then noticed that on my usual side of the bed, was a bunch of unfolded clean clothes. The only things that were folded were his picnic blanket, and underneath it, my beach towel. Oddly, I found that comforting. That all the clean clothes on his chair, the bed, the dirty ones on the floor (he's a master of small piles...ha!), my towel was treated with great care. I decided to not take the things I had in mind...a personal banking gesture in my mind that everything will work out with us.

 

Morning was tough...again. Feeling better writing this though.

 

Chloe03, how are you doing?

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Im doing ok today, Im sorta worried for the weekend.. I decided that I wanted to go out with my friends instead of doing family stuff... but Im worried that Ill try to bump into him downtown... or message him when Im drunk to see where he is...

 

I read a bit of one of the links you sent and I guess I screwed up by going out for coffee with him last week.. and ended up crying in front of him... which is exactly what they say you shouldn’t do.. gah, hope I didnt screw it all up!

 

Its a good sign that he didnt just put all your stuff in a corner, that he seemed to put care into folding them. I’m happy that it seems like things will work out for you You are a lot stronger then I am.

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With the words of some 80's song, "Love is a Battlefield," and I've been to battle many times. Strength comes from experience. I really believe though, it only takes one to get it right...all the others prior, stepping stones...and each one that follows gets better and better.

 

Don't worry if you see him out, just say "hi" and go back to what you were doing before, and give your friends a heads up to drag you away. The drunk-dial/text, there are three things you can do. One, leave your cell at home, or two, temporary change his name to "X" or "Z" so it shows up at the bottom of your phone. You've still have the number, but are least likely to call. And three, write his number down somewhere else, and delete it on your phone for now.

 

Crying in front of him...you're human...don't worry about it. Now, just take the time.

 

Today waking up was different. I had spent the night before journaling a bit, only good intentions, love, and a request for him to come back soon. The "void" I had been feeling the week prior was gone. I could say it was perhaps tiredness that kept me distracted, or that I let go of the fear that he wouldn't be back. I've had my heart smashed in in the past by someone else, that I stopped dreaming of a possibility of a future with someone else.

 

I now rather look at the other spectrum of things that things can be great. Let go of the superego of what I should be doing, and discover what I want for myself.

 

I hope you're doing good today, and that this weekend will be a blast!

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I read all of your posts and you guys have some great advice. Thanks so much. I just wanted to share what's going on with me and see if anybody had any advice. My girlfriend and I have been together for several years. We've been pretty much inseperable and have traveled the world together. Over maybe the last year some kind of rift developed. I started getting very frustrated and stressed and I brought up the topic of taking a break a few times. One day she said she would be willing to try it, and I agreed it would be a good idea. But when the reality hit, it hit her like a ton of bricks and I've never seen her so upset. I love her very much. At the same time, there are things about the way she acts that are very frustrating to me. And it frustrates me doubly because I get frustrated that I'm getting frustrated... got it? I don't like myself when I'm that way. Well.. here's the kicker.. when we're apart I miss her, I feel lonely, but I feel a lot less frustrated and stressed. She misses me as well, but becomes more upset. I feel like without her my life has more emotional balance, but I can't imagine a life without her. She's very very emotional, and I'm very rational. Is that a doomed combination? I'm really worried if we stay together, even though we love eachother very much, that we're just going to continually rub eachother the wrong way. What do you think? Thanks for reading!

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Thanks Tattoobunnie, I changed his name and Im hoping for the best, I went out las night and was just looking at my phone hoping hed call or message... but it didnt happen. I need to stop obsessing about this, just go on and do things that make me happy. I dont really think that my story will have a happy ending but I wont be the one breaking NC.

 

Im happy that you dont feel that void anymore, its a nice feeling to not worry about things and just go on with what you know is right. Ive started writing in a journal as well but it hasnt really been thoughts of happiness and love just yet.

 

Toorational: I dont really know what to say about your situation, if I were to try to compare with whats going on with me Id have to say that Im more like your gf... Im a really emotional person and Im really not enjoying this break. I spoke to him last week and I know that I didnt make things better with him because I was crying and kept on asking him why... and he didnt seem to sympathize.. which made me even more upset with him. I guess if you aren’t happy with your situation and seem to feel better when shes not around you should let her know sooner than later and not make her wait around wondering when this break will end… I know for me I would have liked it better if we could have talked about the problems instead of having to deal with them apart.

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And it frustrates me doubly because I get frustrated that I'm getting frustrated... got it? She's very very emotional, and I'm very rational. Is that a doomed combination? I'm really worried if we stay together, even though we love eachother very much, that we're just going to continually rub eachother the wrong way.

 

Wow...what an obvious clear case of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It's normal for couples to go through 4, 5 or 7 year itches. In that time, people have grown, not necessarily apart, but life has been adding its weight. This is the point many long-term couples either make or break. I'm sure you both are honest to each other, but the way you both are translating actions or words can be completely opposite of what you're trying to convey, and the intentions behind them can be completely different.

 

Right off I can tell, since you believe there is a straight separation in one being emotional, and the other rational, that you both have fallen into a way of being one or the other and not trying to stay insync...a funk, really. Happens to everyone, especially in LTR. I honestly think that if you both love each other very much, and want to be together, taking a break in this situation will not help...the problems will be there when you get back...and it's that the lines of communication are all over the place. I would suggest a mediator to get to the bottom of things or a workshop class. And while I've never taken the Landmark relationship seminar, people I've known who've taking it really can convey their wants, desires with their partner, and it has strengthen their relationship immensely.

 

Also remember, nothing is ever too late.

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