Hopefully Not Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 He should pay a reasonable amount and he's still not "moved in". Then it doesn't matter at all if he's frightened. It's totally uncool what he's doing. Good luck. Link to comment
Khloe Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 You have a real problem here. There are many reasons your bf may be reluctant to admit that your current status is that of a cohabiting couple. The first one I will suggest is obvious: He has a history of freeloading. The second I will suggest is that he is not ready to admit the seriousness of your relationship. In either case, there are red flags and tough decisions you must face. If he is freeloading you should consider what kind of future you will have with a man that does not take responsibility for himself. If he doesn't support himself he certainly will not be able to offer you or a future family support and security. It is one thing to expect a man to pay your way but a whole other to expect a man to contribute. There is nothing wrong with expecting a man to contribute his fair share (yours is NOT!) because there are many other factors besides finances that affect your future and well-being that are tied to finances. I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to expect him to contribute more than groceries on occasion because his lack of contribution makes a loud statement about his character and integrity. He may treat you well but are you prepared to spend a lifetime supporting somebody that hasn't developed the maturity, responsibility, and awareness that you deserve? What kind of future will you have with a man that takes advantage of you so early in this relationship? Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in this situation, you will have some tough decisions to make. Here a but a few suggestions to help with the brainstorm: 1) Slow down. Tell him you need space and have him spend a few nights at his place. Set a limit that you feel comfortable with on how many nights he can stay without paying. You may have one of two complications with this option: A) He breaks up with you. In which case, you are better off. B) You don't stand firm and you end up back at square one. 2) No more sleepovers. Take your relationship back to where it belongs. In the dating stage. You are in different places in your life with different points of view on how to handle your living situation. Don't take the step to sleepovers or moving in together until you are on the same page. Establish boundaries and expectations. 3) Give him an ultimatum. Pay rent or go back to his own place. He IS living with you whether he chooses to admit it or not. He is not paying where he is living right now so its not like there's a reason that he cannot contribute equally. If he threatens a break up or argues a point then it may be time to take a break and evaluate what is important. He is currently taking advantage of you and you give him no reason not to. You brought up your concerns but he just hears nagging and there are no consequences if he refuses to contribute. Why would he? You have given him no reason to. It is unnerving that after you expressed your concerns, he brought more of his belongings over. That is disrespectful, insensitive, and selfish. Its up to you to set boundaries and stick to them. Either that or accept your current arrangement and don't bring it up again. Don't let him stay because you miss him because you will only be setting yourself up for disappointment and a poor foundation for the future. Link to comment
Khloe Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 You have made a difficult but important decision. Now STICK TO IT! I find it difficult to believe he is unable to contribute if his family member is paying the way at his "house". Is he employed? What does he do with the money he earns? Does he buy alcohol? Does he go out? Does he eat out often? Does he spend it on anything other than the necessities? You have a right to know if he has an income and where he is putting it if you are living together. If you are considering taking the step to moving in together, you also have a right to know. Finances should be discussed in depth and goals made together prior to moving in together because finances are one of the main causes for relationship turmoil. They may not be everything in a relationship but they are very important. Link to comment
Merly Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks Khloe (and everyone else!), for your replies, you guys have given me much food for thought. Link to comment
Circe Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I can appreciate that you enjoy having him there but my thoughts are that this benefit to you comes at too high a price. The price is not half the rent and utilities, either. The price is being taken advantage of by your currently free loading boyfriend. If he is "frightened" about moving in - then why has he moved in??? In any event his cousins place will still be available to him if things go bad with you two. The only thing he is "frightened" of is paying his own way. Tell him its half the bills - or his overnight stays are to be limited to once a week. Even if you want more - there's something more at stake here than the short term gratification of having him around. Establish from the beginning that you are to be respected, treated fairly and not taken advantage of. And that no matter how much you love him - you will not compromise on that. Link to comment
trezz Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 is he trying to blind you with emotions? he is bringing in a lot of emotional stuff when you try to talk about practical issues. rent and bills have nothing to do with his hang ups from previous relationships. this reeks of emotional blackmail. yous have been together for two years. i would be insulted if a bf tried to blame ex gf issues for his behaviour after this length of time. dont allow him to bring in emotional blackmail. you have to deceide how you want to live your life. if you want to continue a relationship does it have to be all or nothing? he says he hasnt moved in so you havent kicked him out. you have just asked him to not stay over so often. set boundaries as others have said. any one decent would pay their way. he is ignoring what you want and using emotional blackmail to guilt you into behaving as he wants. i just cant stop thinking-drop the loser-anything good in this relationship? p.s. my ex used to pay for stuff now and again, making a grand gesture for which i was expected to be greatful but it never came near to his share of bills. he never paid anything. they are tough to shake off.if your not paying his bills he will now have to find someone who will. i am biased but get him out b4 the person he is living with refuses to have him back. if he's homeless he will be harder to shake off. does re reading just your own posts on this issue clarify anything for you. Link to comment
helpme11111 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 What if you are kind of in a similar situation, but are a male, with a female staying with you who hasnt "officially" moved in, but doesnt really contribute financially, other than cleaning portion here and there. It was brought up today that I am starting to struggle with all my bills, feeding us both, etc..and I am starting to see it financially. Now with or without her there, I would still have my bills, so only difference in costs would be feeding of mouths, and utility bill. I just hate to ask anything of someone, and I hated to even mention it to her as well. I am in the same situation as this person...is it wrong to start to ask for help , even if I am a male? She has said she is happy to help, but I dont know what to ask for, and for what. It just makes me feel crappy. Link to comment
helpme11111 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I was also able to find this good little read: link removed Link to comment
Hopefully Not Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 What if you are kind of in a similar situation, but are a male, with a female staying with you who hasnt "officially" moved in, but doesnt really contribute financially, other than cleaning portion here and there. Male or female doesn't matter. The other person should insist, and do it, not just offer. You certainly shouldn't have to ask. Excellent comments in that link. Link to comment
trezz Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 agree with Hopefully Not gender does not exclude responsibility. all advice i have given is gender interactive. users come in all shapes sorts and sizes. people with manners dont need to be asked they give because it's right and decent to do so. Link to comment
helpme11111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I wouldnt call her a user, because I dont think that is her intentions at all. I think its more of a misunderstanding. Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 i have been exactly where you are!!! My girl and i rushed into things really fast and she did the exact same thing as your dude. She lived with her parents but stayed with me every day and night and kept bring more of her clothes over. All of my utilities had gone up so finally i told her in a nice way that she has to contribute in some way. she didnt have a job but some part time modeling gigs so we agreed that if she did my laundry and dishes and cleaned up around the house, it would work out. I couldnt charge her money because of the whole official title of moving in... I think you should sit him down and tell him if he isnt gonna pay you money, he needs to contribute in some way. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Well done! You have stood up for yourself, now he will have some respect for you. I suspect that he just thought he could get away with not giving you anything. Don't worry, Im sure he will be back with some money in hand when he misses you! You must feel better now at least that you are not being taken advantage of by someone who's not meant to. Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 ^^^^^^ Merly, My girl said the same exact thing since she doesnt have a stable job. thats why i had her doing chores and laundry around the house but..... You say now you want him to get his stuff out and maybe stay at his place more. i sort of felt this way just for a short bit with my girl and when she finally did take her clothes back and back to her parents, things were really different and i didnt like it cause i was used to her practically living with me. Now its like we started all over. kinda sucks so be sure what you want. Link to comment
helpme11111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 how are things now for you though?? Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 who me or the OP? Link to comment
trezz Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 i think if a person is young or has never lived alone and paid rent etc they would have a forgivable reason for being naive and needing to have bills explained to them. op bf is older has been in a relationship and should not need things explained. that to me is why he should have insisted on paying. to me one is excusable the other is not. helpme11111 no personal insult taken about user comment re your gf? nothing personal intended. just a general opinion re the situation. Link to comment
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