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He does not contribute, but should he?


Merly

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Well ive kind of reached breaking point with my boyfriend and i dont know what to do. We have been together officially for around 3 months but we have been dating and "seeing each other" for over 2 years. In the last few months he has been staying at my place constantly, like every single night. He has his own place which he shares with a family member, but he rarely goes there at all now and virtually all his stuff is at mine. So i sat him down and asked him if he considered himself "living with me", he said no, that he liked having his own place and that he didnt want us to live together just yet. I am/was absolutly fine with that as i also enjoy my own space at times. But a few weeks have passed since that conversation and he has only been to his place ONCE in that time (he didnt even sleep there), and when he returned to mine he brought another load of clothes and belongings round to my place. Again i spoke to him and said if you dont live here why are you bringing all this stuff round, to which he replied that he liked being with me and having his home comforts around him. I dont know if im just overeacting but im starting to believe he is just taking advantage of the situation, as he doesnt really pay any rent or bills at his place because his family member seems happy to cover everything, he knows that i pay alot for the rent at mine and i feel if he is sleeping there every night he should contribute to the rent, taxes and bills, but because he insists "he doesnt live at mine" how can i insist that he pays the price of living there? Im at my wits end now, what am i supposed to do? I want him there, i enjoy him being there, but i dont feel comfortable that im going out to work, and basically paying for all the luxuries that he is also enjoying. Any of your thoughts, ideas or advice would be gratefully received. many thanks!

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a decent person would suggest paying their way.

you should not have to ask.

i think hes not very in tune with you if he dosent see you are upset.

when you have talked to him have you suggested he contributes?

does he pay food or anything?

the electric bill, telephone etc may have increased have you mentioned this?

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He does pay for food sometimes and make very small financial contributions, but nothing substantial or that would make a difference. He knows i am upset, but i dont want to keep repeating myself over and over about the same topic. The way he sees it is that he doesnt live there so why should he pay rent, but my point is if he sleeps there every night HE DOES LIVE THERE. An easy solution would be to say he shouldnt sleep at mine so often but i DO want him there! I just think he should be helping me out alot more. I feel like i cant win, either have him there freeloading because he refuses to acknowledge the fact he does live there, or tell him to go home and cut off my nose to spite my face because ill miss him like crazy. How do i resolve this?

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do you see this as a long term relationship?

in your situation i would need to know why he is moving out of his place now.

has he been asked to pay rent/bills?

he is causing you to nag by ignoring your attempts to talk.

when your forced to nag because your not being listened to in a reasonable conversation that to me is a clear speak up now sign or forever be walked over.

 

from what you say you want him with you and he is prepared to use your need for free rent etc.

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does he have a key to your apartment? is he free to come and go as he pleases?

 

To add insult to injury, i actually gave him a key a few weeks ago. It was more for convinience than anything else because we leave for work in the mornings at different times. He promptly "missplaced" that key, but he says he will find it. The more i talk about the situation the more i feel like hes taking me for a fool. However, i must add that he does not treat me badly on the whole, we go out on nice dates and he tidys up the house etc, etc. But i just dont know what to do about this whole financial situation.

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do you see this as a long term relationship?

in your situation i would need to know why he is moving out of his place now.

has he been asked to pay rent/bills?

he is causing you to nag by ignoring your attempts to talk.

when your forced to nag because your not being listened to in a reasonable conversation that to me is a clear speak up now sign or forever be walked over.

 

from what you say you want him with you and he is prepared to use your need for free rent etc.

 

He does not see it as he has moved out of his place and into mine, when i ask him he keeps saying he still lives at his place, hes just never there because he loves to spend time with me. He sees it as he likes being at mine and therefore wants/needs his stuff around him, but his place is still his home. Ive explained numerous times that i need financial help from him but he either "does'nt have it", is just not forthcoming or donates something measly and expects credit for it. I speak openly with him about my feelings but i cannot keep repeating the same things over and over.

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i dont know how long people together b4 paying rent.

he should be treating you better then he is.

find out the answers to previous ?s

that for me would be a deciding factor.

if he didnt pay rent in previous places he may think he has the right not to.

for me he is treating you badly by not paying for food and bills even without the rent question.

how do you feel about your relationship if you take away the rent issue.

 

i cant help but think hes a player do you want to play that game/

your life your choice.

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If he kept telling you a cow is a zebra, would you listen to him?

 

Honestly, if he stays at your house every single night and only goes 'home' once in a blue moon to pick up clothes, then he is living with you. He can call it anything he wants, but he is taking advantage of your nice place and hospitality FOR FREE.

 

I wouldn't put up with this. Living expenses of paying rent, utilities, taxes, food etc. are huge, and he is not sharing in the burden, just enjoying the perks.

 

He does sound like a user to me, because most decent people would contribute rather than try to convince you why they shouldn't. Even if he doesn't make enough to pay half, he could pay a proportionate amount based on what he earns.

 

So regardless of the fact that you might miss him, you are setting the precedent for you taking care of him financially, and him feeding you a line of bull and you just accepting it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was a freeloader, because this kind of selfishness will show itself in other ways in future.

 

I'd tell im that you're tired of him b.s.ing you about not living with you, and if he isn't going to admit it and contribute, then he doesn't get to stay with you every night. Tell him you'll see him on the weekend if he wants to go on a date, but you're not living with anyone unless he contributes to the household and pays his share.

 

If he's too cheap to do that, then honestly, you don't want him. It will hurt for a while if you break up, but it saves you a lifetime of hurt being with a user.

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It's possible that he's just very out of touch and doesn't realize that he's taking advantage of you. Some people need things brought to their attention. I know you've brought up whether or not he's officially living with you, but have you brought up the idea of him helping out with the bills? As hard as it is to believe, he could oblivious to it all and just wanting to be around you. Id stop beating around the bush and tell him you'd like help with the bills(because Im guessing they are higher). If he's any guy worth keeping, he'll be happy to.

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The topic has been brought up many times so that leads me to believe he has become conscious of the situation and he is undergoing his "moving in" process very deliberately now.

 

Truth be known, that once a person stays at your home past 30 days they automatically become a tenant.

 

This is your home and you need to put your foot down. Tell him that he either needs to start making real contributions to the household he is primarily staying at (your place) or he needs to take all of his things and go back home.

 

It really doesn't matter if he still 'lives' at home. Many people split their time between two places where they pay rent. The fact of the matter is he is now using your place as a home as well and he should contribute.

 

Any decent man would be more than willing and adamant about paying for their portion.

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Thanks for all your opinions guys, i really apprieciate all the feedback. After much discussion with him today, it seems to be that he is not in a position financially to really contribute, at least that is what he is telling me. He says that he has wanted to give me money but just hasnt really had it. Even though im an understanding person im still not happy about the situation, because i feel if that was the case he should have come to me and told me, rather than waiting in silence for things to come to a head and me becoming upset. I think the only real resolution is for him to remove his stuff from my place and return to his "home". I still want to be with him but not where i feel like im his provider. So once he returns to his place and (perhaps) if his finances improve we can rethink the situation in the future, but as things stand he simply cannot be at my place and me building resentment for him because he is not sharing the financial burden.

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I think you should ask him not to have all his stuff over at your place. His "explanation" of wanting to keep his own place because he's not ready to move in with you, even though he is never at his place, is irrational. And change the locks. If he lost the key you gave him, who knows where it could be.

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congradulations.

i hope you dont allow yourself to be soft soaped by him in the future.

users keep on using.

 

if you ever find out where and when he paid his way in decent guy fashion that will be the evidence if you need it.

remember if hes using 'family member' and family member wants rid of him the truth may not be told.

 

you are right he should have been honest.

he was not honest at the start of all of this starting with lies???

more trouble on the way.

 

hope you find a decent guy.(if you do you can send him my address

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To be perfectly honest, get clear about what you want him to pay; I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If he doesn't pay his way then clearly he's not got a lot of emotion for the way you feel about things.... Its wrong to just use someone like that. If you need him talking too let me know lol.

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Now he's trying to say that the reason he wont officially move in and pay his way is because his ex-girlfriend kicked him out and he was sofa surfing for a time. He says he is "frightened". In a way i can relate to this but at the same time its almost like he is just assuming the worse will happen. I mean i had an ex who cheated on me so would it be fair for me to say "i wont commit because you will probably cheat on me like my ex did". Just coz his ex kicked him out its unfair to assume i will....or perhaps its just another "excuse".......

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Now he's trying to say that the reason he wont officially move in and pay his way is because his ex-girlfriend kicked him out and he was sofa surfing for a time. He says he is "frightened". In a way i can relate to this but at the same time its almost like he is just assuming the worse will happen. I mean i had an ex who cheated on me so would it be fair for me to say "i wont commit because you will probably cheat on me like my ex did". Just coz his ex kicked him out its unfair to assume i will....or perhaps its just another "excuse".......

 

If you want to have any type of quality relationship, you must assume that his fears are legitimate feelings. You man not be pleased, but you are not him either. Try asking him what would help him get over his fears.

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If you want to have any type of quality relationship, you must assume that his fears are legitimate feelings. You man not be pleased, but you are not him either. Try asking him what would help him get over his fears.

 

Im not trying to dimiss his fears but us females are always told not to make a new man "do time for another mans crimes". So if im coming to the relationship with an open mind and heart and not holding anything that another guy has done against him, surely its unfair for him to do it to me?

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Im not trying to dimiss his fears but us females are always told not to make a new man "do time for another mans crimes". So if im coming to the relationship with an open mind and heart and not holding anything that another guy has done against him, surely its unfair for him to do it to me?

 

I am sure you've heard the phrase, all is fair in love and war. What it means to me is that people show up with whatever damages they have, nothing I can do about that. I show up with whatever damages I have too. In order to have a mutually beneficial relationship I must accept the other person the way they are and WANT to help them get over it. If they don't want to get over it then I cannot help them.

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He's saying he doesn't want to officially call it moving in, but he has moved in. His excuse is lame. What does being afraid of getting kicked out have to do with contributing? And why would you move in and NOT contribute if were afraid of getting kicked out. That's asking for it.

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He's saying he doesn't want to officially call it moving in, but he has moved in. His excuse is lame. What does being afraid of getting kicked out have to do with contributing? And why would you move in and NOT contribute if were afraid of getting kicked out. That's asking for it.

 

I see this side too. Maybe it was his inability or lack of desire to pay his own way that got him kicked out before.

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