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Perspective muddy


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Hello all,


This is my first post, though the last few days I have been flipping through, from post to post, finding valuable insight and perspective from people who have been lost in their minds from heartbreaking situation, like myself, and discovered the joy of strength from reflections and self power.


My story bares similarity to many breakups, but I am still cloudy in an area of who in my past relationship was left the very heartbroken one.


My ex and I had been together for 3 years, started as friends with an intense attraction and passion, we then instantly got together and moved in just months into the relationship. It has been the most deep and passionate relationship, we spent everyday together, there was a deep longing and for the other. We shared a dream and begun making efforts towards looking at homes together, traveling the world, and even opening a business together. We very much lived the family lifestyle with our 2 dogs and cat, and had a strong base with friends and work, we were known to all as a couple, the couple that was crazy about each other.


I have always been the slow moving one in relationships, I am the hesitant one on committing, and never push or rush anything. The relationship just felt so right that nothing was questioned between us, and it grew so large, mainly from his initiations.


One week I had received a message from him saying he never wanted me to leave his side and that he loved me terribly, a sweet message, that was a common occurrence, yet a few days later he seemed unlike himself. I could feel his emotions out of place, I asked him about it instantly. He complained at not being able to be truly content with things in his life, from his art, to his hobbies, and now he fears there was something he was not content with about "us". Of course this was a huge blow, and knocked me right off what I thought was such steady solid ground. We both have a similar pattern for change and the need to always create perfection in things we put out, we are both artist and I believe both share this quality, or fault truly of never fully being satisfied, but I never saw it directed towards us. He claimed he couldn't see one problem with our relationship, claimed I am beyond perfect for him, he just has his own deep issues with finding a place to rest and learn to be deeply content.


I so much wanted to really think he was simply going through a rough patch, and maybe we were too much engrossed, and needed a breathe. After being left with uncertainty, he approached me with the desire to push through it and he felt so happy to really make it work and knew if we ever broke up he wouldn't just regret it for a day, or weeks, but forever.


Sadly, a few days after all this, I found out he had been talking to a girl, or as he says "a friend". However, this would have never been a problem to me, if it was something I was in the know about, not something I felt he was hiding. So of course, after everything we had previously talked about, I snaped, claimed it was obvious he was cheating on me, he had just been feeding me bullsh... I yelled that he has no idea of what love means and clearly does not love me, I ended it with a calm f' off, I will be packing my stuff and leaving, I wont tolerate lies. He looked shocked and wounded, he yelled he was not cheating at all, he questioned how can I leave him for just talking to someone, not in a flirting way, not in anyway other than a friend, he claimed. How can I leave everything over him having random and short conversations with a girl who means nothing. I just stated I can't be with someone who can not be honest with me. over. The next day while he was out, I had a few friends help and we packed the house and moved me out. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't know what I really believed, I just felt betrayed.


I got the anger phone call, "how dare you think I am cheating nothing happened", to an hour later the tearful phone call, apologizing for lying, that he really believes he had not cheated, but does recognize that he hurt me and sees that he is the worlds biggest idiot for messing it up so badly with me, and he so much wanted it to work out. He said he understands that I wont be with someone who lied at all, it is a break of trust, and wanted to say sorry not to make things okay, but because I deserved that. I must admit, I felt at piece after this.


5 weeks now have passed since it has ended, I spent 2 weeks out of the country away from him, but we have had contact almost daily. Including, email, text, phone calls, hanging out weekly and still sleeping together. It has been the worst time of my life, I have been crushed and completely confused at what I want, what he is feeling, and why I am doing this to myself. I am still so in love with him, we talked a little about it, but both hesitate to say much past that there is still obvious feelings. We have marked each other as friends now, both with guards of pride, both making jokes and acting overly cool about it all. He said he didn't want to sleep together when the sexual tension became thick, knew it would equal to making things worse, but somehow it has happened anyway, initiated by both. I've let my anger out at him, but now the overly friendliness is just a mess for me. I want to burst out I love you lets make this work, and then a minute later I want to never speak to him for I am in turmoil waiting and wondering whats going to happen, or what should not happen. I think we both deep down know time apart is healthy and needed, but can't fully leave each others lives. I cant even seem to go 5 minuted without thinking about him.


is no contact a good idea at this point.... back away and see where things fall. any ideas.


wow, I wrote a book up there!

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What you have now is a very unhealthy situation and both of you need time apart to really reflect on whether or not the two of you have a future together. You two may have been broken up for several weeks, but not really..you are still clinging to each other out of fear of letting go. Sometimes two people need to let go completely in order to come back together at a later date with fresh minds and fresh perspectives. Some issues that each of you need to ponder:

1. Why did you let him do all the initiating throughout the relationship?

2. Since he was doing all the initiating, did he grow to resent it and feel that you didn't care enough about him? If so, then why did he not communicate this to you during the relationship.

3. He needs to be more open and honest about the true nature of his relationship with this woman. Was it just friendship...did he have an interest in her...did she have an interest in him....how often did they speak....did he go to her because he didn't feel love from you or wasn't content with you...was his relationship with this woman strictly innocent of all feelings except for the spirit of friendship...why did he feel the need to not tell you about his friendship with her?

4. Why did you react so definitively when you found out about her rather than taking some time to cool off and have a rational discussion about it.

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