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hate myself and men can sense it


randomgirl59

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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this since it deals with my self esteem, but also dating.

 

I'm someone with very low confidence and self esteem, and after a "date" I just had, it dawned on me that I may be attracting the wrong type of men (and that's when I actually DO manage to attract men, which isnt often!)

 

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

 

I met a guy, we talked on the phone and he made it very clear that he isn't into commiting and does not believe in it. I still went out with him even though what I want is a long term relationship.

 

Well he was quite touchy feely during the date and at first it bugged me, but then I started to enjoy it. Then he analyzed my personality, he said I worried too much, was super shy, dressed like I didn't like to be seen, etc..he was right. Now I'm not stupid, I know that this type of guy probably weeds out these types of girls and gets them into bed. Actually, he pretty much said it himself. For some reason I stayed. I probably would have slept with him, but had enough common sense not too. He was such a sweet talker, made me feel really good about myself. All fake though since I haven't heard from him since, yea it makes me a bit sad, but I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I guess for a day I just wanted to feel loved even though it was all a sham Its bizarre. I really enjoyed the day, but felt used and stupid afterwards..as I knew I would!!! he even asked me why I looked so sad..pretty obvious why..

 

But aside from that, what really worries me now is that I never thought that I appeared that shy and vulnerable to people, but apparently I am. I dont want to be a victim to these types of guys, because they are the only types that I seem to attract! I've tried everything to get myself more confidence. I put myself out there for this date even though I was scared. I dress nice, I work hard for the most part but NOTHING works!!! I dont know what to do, dont know why I feel so miserable, so worthless etc..and I'm afraid that I'll settle for a player or a sleaze because I dont think I deserve or can do any better.

 

How will I ever find a decent man who only wants to be with me if I'm such a wreck?? I want to be loved, who doesn't? but how can I be loved if I cant love myself?

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You seem like an intelligent woman. Atleast you realized what was going on, most only pick up on that though hind-sight. I know it is hard, to find something about yourself that you feel is worth loving. Have the same trouble. It may seem that you only attract that kind of man, but I don't think that's the case. It seems more likely that the problem is just that there are so many men like him out there. The genuine ones, are much more rare, but you could attract them the same as you do the players. It may be a long wait, just don't give in and settle for less than you deserve. And whether or not you believe it yourself, you do deserve better.

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What dont I love? pretty much everything. I'm disgusted with myself.

 

I hate that I just graduated with a degree and can't find a job while other peers can.

 

I hate that I still live at home and have no money.

 

I dont like how I look, and I have negative body image.

 

I hate how I cant attract men. I hate how shy and obsenely nervous I am when it comes to dating.

 

I hate myself for not hating this guy when I should! I hate myself for wanting to sleep with him.

 

I hate myself for not having enough life experience.

 

Mostly though, I really hate that I feel this way, when I have lots to be thankful for. I hate that I'm not as emotionally mature as I should be at this age.

 

so..pretty much everything

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You seem like an intelligent woman. Atleast you realized what was going on, most only pick up on that though hind-sight. I know it is hard, to find something about yourself that you feel is worth loving. Have the same trouble. It may seem that you only attract that kind of man, but I don't think that's the case. It seems more likely that the problem is just that there are so many men like him out there. The genuine ones, are much more rare, but you could attract them the same as you do the players. It may be a long wait, just don't give in and settle for less than you deserve. And whether or not you believe it yourself, you do deserve better.

 

Thanks AnonymousJohn I appreciate the kind words. I know there are lots of players. That's what makes it so depressing. I tend to fall hard and even though I know they are jerks, it hurts and makes it hard to move on. Eventually I'll forget about them, but I go back to not dating for fear of being hurt.

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What dont I love? pretty much everything. I'm disgusted with myself.

 

I hate that I just graduated with a degree and can't find a job while other peers can.

 

I hate that I still live at home and have no money.

 

I dont like how I look, and I have negative body image.

 

I hate how I cant attract men. I hate how shy and obsenely nervous I am when it comes to dating.

 

I hate myself for not hating this guy when I should! I hate myself for wanting to sleep with him.

 

I hate myself for not having enough life experience.

 

Mostly though, I really hate that I feel this way, when I have lots to be thankful for. I hate that I'm not as emotionally mature as I should be at this age.

 

so..pretty much everything

 

I have really good news for you, everything on your list can be changed.

 

Are you having trouble finding a job in your field, or any job? Sometimes just working at all can give a much needed boost and the possibility of moving out of the parents home.

 

I highly suggest a makeover which includes hairstyle, makeup, and clothing (none of these have to be expensive). In order to feel my most attractive though, I have to exercise regularly and feel strong and capable.

 

When you feel better about yourself you will attract a more genuine sort of man and you will feel more relaxed interacting with him because you will know you are okay the way you are.

 

He is just another lonely person in the world, there is no need to hate him. And it's okay to be attracted to anyone at all, it's my choices which I evaluate and you did fine!

 

Your life experience will come along as each chapter is due and not any sooner, there's no rush and no finish line.

 

Accepting that you feel this way is the first step to changing it. What are you grateful for? And what do you love about yourself?

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Thanks AnonymousJohn I appreciate the kind words. I know there are lots of players. That's what makes it so depressing. I tend to fall hard and even though I know they are jerks, it hurts and makes it hard to move on. Eventually I'll forget about them, but I go back to not dating for fear of being hurt.

 

Not wanting to date is an understandable response to the issue. Falling hard for people is also understandable. Just means that you want what everyone wants, to love and be loved. So, falling for these guys does not indicate some sort of character flaw in you, if anything maybe you are just trying too hard.

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I wish I could be more positive, and believe that everything will be alright. I've been in situations like this before, then I'll get over it, and shove it in the back of my mind and try to forget. With the guy before I went further, so in a way yes, I did learn from that experience so I applaud myself for that..but I still allowed myself to get hurt again. Sometimes I think I want to get hurt...maybe because I'm just so used to it, and have accepted it.

 

I want to know why I wont allow myself to be happy. I want to know why life wont move forward. I want to know why I feel so negative all the time.

 

Waveseer: I'm going to go to a spa. I've tried the makeover thing, I'll feel good for a day or to, but then I'll go back to feeling bad about myself. And about what I love about myself...I love that I'm pretty introspective about myself and know what my problems are, but I hate that I dont seem to have enough strength to fix them lol

 

AnonymousJohn: yea sometimes I do try to hard. I'd say I'm pretty true to myself and my beliefs, but I do want to please the people around me a lot...

 

I guess what I'm trying to say/ask is:

 

how will I ever feel truly happy?

 

and will a decent guy ever fall for me, who has so much baggage and issues?

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You are a good person whether you have a boyfriend or not. I think maybe you are falling for these guys just to prove to yourself that you are attractive....but then you don't "buy it" and still feel bad anyway. In the end you just have to believe in yourself, that you are attractive and able to be loved! We all have flaws but that's okay. There are certainly guys out there who will like you for YOU. But it will be difficult to find them if you don't believe in yourself. So maybe it makes sense to work on yourself for a while, and return to the dating scene when you have a bit more confidence?

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You sound nice....too nice! I recommend you spend a little time on a website called heartlessbi+ches dot com and absorb some of this attitude, it will balance you out.

 

By the way, replace the "+" with a "t" since I wrote it that way b/c of the censors.

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You change your outlook on life starting with this very moment by insisting on positive thoughts from here on out. It will take some practice getting used to this new lifestyle, and you will relapse now and then, but every day forward is a brand new day.

 

Start by finding those things bout yourself that you DO like. Expand into the areas that you don't normally like, but look within yourself and find the beauty in those parts you don't like. Your confidence will come as you accept yourself and love yourself for who you are.

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miami: it's true, I am too nice. People can sense it, and the insecurity. I hate it. I'm browsing through that website now, its really cool I'm always worried that if I'm not nice, then people wont like me. But people arent nice to me 24/7 right?

 

Lonewing: For the past few days I've been working on thinking more positively. I'm an extrememly pessimistic person, but deep down I think I do believe that things will turn out alright. I've been working on feeling more confident too. Typically it will work when I'm by myself, but then I'll go out or something and see someone prettier, happier, more successful and feel bad again. Gotta work on that.

 

YakasJourney: you couldn't be more right. The reason I fell for him was because he did make me feel attractive and liked, even though it was under false pretenses.

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice, thank you!

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