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I want to make things better


tiffo373

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My husband and I have been married for a little more than 4 years. We were young when we got married, 19(me) and 20(him). At the time, he was in the Marine Corps and we lived 12 hours from our families... he also went on three 6 month deployments during our 6 year relationship. Just last year, he got out of the military and we moved back home to where we both grew up. We originally moved in with my parents so we could get on our feet. I immediately found a job but it took him some time. We lived with my parents for 5 months before we bought our first home back in December.

The problem is, we work opposite schedules. I work overnights(10pm to 6 am) and he works 9:30am to 6:30pm but the problem is he never gets off on time. So we hardly see each other. Some days I feel like I live alone. I wake up and I cook dinner and I eat alone. Then he comes home and he eats alone. And we only sleep together on the weekends. Plus I have found that I have turned my attention to television and I hardly ever greet him when he comes home anymore. And with this, the weekends come and we hope to have a great time but it never works out. And we spend so much time trying to make things okay and we've been fighting a lot these past couple of months.

 

Last weekend, he was distant and finally on Sunday, I confronted him about it. He told me to go stay with my parents, but he wouldn't talk to me about what was going on exactly. I have been at my parents ever since... and I went and got some of my things yesterday after we talked on Saturday. He told me he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. He said he could never open up to me again because I had hurt him. Now here's what I've realized I've done. I've become a bitter, angry person because I'm unhappy with my job and my schedule. I have also resented my husband for never helping me around the house. I feel like I do everything... and I work this crappy schedule. I have also started refusing or being difficult about sex. So much that I've said things like "go get it some place else". And because of my anger and my resentment towards him, I have pushed him away and done and said everything I could to hurt him. At the time, I didn't realize how bad I'd become. But stepping away from the situation, I see the light. I know I have a lot of work on me to make myself happy but I also know I could do something to make things better in our marriage, but he refuses to even give me a chance. I want to do something to make things better. I cannot just sit here and let him slip away. I know I've already done these things that have made him not want to be with me. But maybe there's something I can do to let him know I want to give things another chance. I also think we both need new jobs... I am going to start looking ASAP. I know he's already looking as well. I just can't let him go without a fight. I know that I screwed up royally because he really did try to make things better... he asked me what he could do to help and I just sat there and cried. He waited for two weeks for me to apologize for a fight I'd made worse than it should have been.... and I never went to him to make things better. He didn't tell me he was waiting, but I should have just known. And I always let him take the blame whether or not it was his fault... and I know that was something he really had a hard time dealing with. What kind of person am I that I honestly did everything to ruin this. I should have seen the signs... but I think I was just too deep. I was feeling like I was at the bottom of a black hole and I'd never find my way out... and I guess I just wanted him to make me better. But I know that wasn't possible. ANd I think he just couldn't wallow with me anymore... he needed to try to get happy. And I guess so do I.

 

I guess all I want is for him to be happy but it's hard to feel that way because I want him to be happy with me and I just know he can't be. He cried(which is something he never does)... and he said it was because he was hurting me. And now he just won't talk to me. He said he didn't miss me when we were apart... and that all the reasons he could come up with to stay with me were the wrong ones. He even went against everyone's advice and came to this decision on his own... and turned his own parents against him. I know this is my fault... and now I'm forced to deal with the consequences.

 

Also-- He basically has shut down on me and started talking to a female friend(all the time for the past 2 months) behind my back about our problems and getting advice from her instead of just talking it out with me. He has made some gestures to make things better but I just shut him down and refused to even help. I just didn't realize how bad things had gotten. I apologized and I begged(pathetic I know) but he wouldn't waver in his decision. I know I have done irreparable harm. Is there anything I can do to make things right? Or Is enough, enough? Should I just walk away and hope to learn from the experience?

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I think he has some share of the blame here. Talking to another woman at work about the problems...not really talking to you about it. It seems like he didn't really spell out to you that the marriage was in trouble. He didn't give it his best either. Wouldn't surprise me if he has started developing an interest in this woman he was talking to and that is why he wants to walk away from this marriage. Can you suggest marriage counselling to him?

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I have suggested counseling... But he refuses. He thinks we will just eventually ignore the problems and be right back where we are in a month. I figure if we gave counseling a shot then we could really say we gave it the best shot and then if it doesn't work... Then we know we did everything we could.

 

I am about 95 percent sure there is nothing going on between him with this other woman. She is married. I believe he would never do that to me. To be honest now that we've been apart this past week... Their phone calls and texts have died down. (I found out about them through checking our cell phone bill because he apparently had charged more than 70 dollars by going over on texts to her. And the phone calls were in theiddle of the night and all day long and the minute I left for work.) I thought he was cheating for a while at first but then he assured me there was nothing going on and he knew the phone calls were wrong but he had no one else to talk to. Here is the thing he sought a lot of peoples advice and told me he wouldn't listen to any of it. I think we both just became disillusioned about how great life would be once he got out of the Marines and then when it didn't work out like we planned... We both became unhappy. And I believe if he would have just talked to me instead of talking to someone else we wouldn't be here but I know he felt trapped and now he won't even talk to me. He was very nice about what he wanted in the divorce-- promised he wouldn't screw me over and told me he wanted me to have our dog. I just can't wrap my head around how things got so bad and I just didn't do ANYTHING. I want to make him see how very sorry I am about the way I acted. I told him most of these Things but appArently he'd already given me an ultimatum but forgot to clue me in. He said he could never go back to the way things were but I know I could make things better but he just won't listen to me or anyone

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I also feel like he is giving up on us without giving me a chance to try to be better. I mean it hasn't even been a week since he asked me to leave and I believe he already had his mind made up then. I tried to convince him to just give me one more chance and then if things didn't get better... Then I'd understand. I just don't want to throw away something I believe is treatable because I do love him and care about him. I think he is already beginning to forget me. How is that possible? My birthday was during the week we were apart and he never even tried to contact me. That hurt me more than words can explain. He also said if I'd tried to make things better just 2 weeks ago then things may be different... How could he have made up his mind and stopped loving me so quickly? I mean 2 weeks and now 6 years and four of that in marriage... How can you do that?

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Just like a rubber band, you can put tension onto a relationship and it will stretch. Put more pressure on and it will stretch some more. Release the tension and it will go back to its original state. But if you put too much pressure on it suddenly snaps and is broken.

 

Same with people. You can pile on the pressure and it seems they are bearing it even though they might complain about it. But one day the pressure becomes too much and they snap. The difference is that sometimes with people they can repair the damage. But not always - sometimes the snap is such relief that they cannot bear the thought of having to undergo that pressure or tension again.

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DN is right. He probably doesn't want to deal with the drama anymore and being away from you has given his mind some peace. Go see a therapist for yourself. No matter what happens between you two there is work to be done just for you. You obviously can't convince him to try but you may be able to show him it is worth trying.

Decide what you want for your life and set out to get there. Do you want to loose weight? Become more fit and active? Look for a career not just a job but learn to accept the one you have now and don't let it ruin your life. If he sees changes in you he will want to try I believe. If not then you will be well ahead of the game to get back to your life without him.

 

Best wishes

Lost

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