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Heartbroken, shocked.....


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This is humiliating to even type. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to face.

 

However I'm desperate for help.

 

 

My boyfriend of 5 years has walked out on me. He's using today and the next couple of days to figure out if he wants me at all.

 

There's nothing wrong with "us" he said.... He said I've done nothing wrong.... He said that men would kill to be with me and be loved by me.... but for him it may not be enough.

 

He said that basically, I have been his first girlfriend and that fact has been tearing him up. He hates the fact he was "never any good at girls" and couldn't get a girlfriend when younger.

 

He said he loves me, even if I don't believe him.

 

He was in tears over all this.... from a guy that I've only ever seen close to crying once!.... so he must give a damn about me to an extent....

 

 

But the main point is essentially we've fallen out because he cannot decide if he's compltely committed to me... or if he wants to go out and play the field.

 

 

So in other words... a big part of him is willing to chuck me away, everything we've been through together, all that we are and could be..... just to chase some other girls for his own male ego???!?!??!?!??????????????!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so heartbroken I can't eat or drink. I'm exhausted.

 

I feel like I must have been a giant let down; the biggest disappointment and the worst girlfriend. Surely if I did my job properly, when he told me he loved me, he'd mean it? Surely I would be all he'd ever need?

 

He's all I need and all I want. I honestly don't think I can face a life...any kind of future....by being ditched in this way and not having him here.

 

I just don't care anymore.

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Its not your fault.

 

I wouldn't even think of taking the guy back. If my partner had said that... He'd be out on his ear. And I'm pregnant! lol.

 

i really hope your not thinking of taking him back =P I'd tell him he no longer needs to think! that you've made the decision for him!

 

But.. Is he suffering with depression? or anything similar to this? How old is he?

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I'm so sorry..

 

I think you should take a massive emotional step back away from him for the time being. Don't contact him or beg for anything. Let him see what life without you is like ... and while you are doing that.. ask yourself if this guy (not just this action.. but more wholistically) has the right qualities for a lifelong partner.

 

I know it feels like you can't live without him but just write down all the cons about him as a person to be in a relationship with and really take this time to think about whether he has the qualities you need.

 

He's being very selfish and uncaring right now. If its just a mind blip and he quickly regrets it then fine.. but if he's willing to give it up to play the field and satisfy his ego and see if the grass is greener.. a) better you know now than in 15 years after you are married.. and b) what kind of values does he have anyway? Is the world all about him or is it all about love?

 

He can see you love him.. and you're a great catch. But does he love you? Is he not going to honour that?

 

I think you should shift how you see this. Don't make this about him deciding if he wants you. You think about whether you want him and if so.. what he needs to do to get you back after shattering your trust like this.

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No, he hasn't been suffering from depression at all.

 

Whenever people saw us together they made comments about what a perfect match we looked....and apart from this one issue of his, they were right.

 

 

 

I haven't seen him for a day.

 

In truth, the reason he walked out my door is because I was so devastated when he told me that I had to send him away. He didn't want to leave the house and was trying to hug me and was crying.

 

But I just couldn't bear it and desperatley needed to be away from him.

 

 

He's under instruction from me not to call or see me over the next few days. I need him to really face not being with me and what it means. I need him to be 100% about his decision, whichever it is. I figured that time away may be the best thing for him to try and see with a clear head.

 

 

Oh and answer to your other question - he's 28 and I'm 25.

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Unfortunately if I tried the pro and con list about him, as to whether or not he's right for me, he'd unquestionably win that one. I love him so much and everything about him.

 

 

He is someone that's out for love, he's even a family guy and has mentioned he likes the idea of having kids.

 

He said he doesn't expect me to understand.... but basically he worries that as we get older and deeper in our relationship that he may look back and think "what if?"

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Maybe he feels like hes missing out. Like, hes only experienced one girl in his whole life. I know I don't want to get married before I've had some fun I guess. Its pretty messed up that he has to hurt you to do it. I guess I sort of understand what he wants though.

 

I think the only thing that is your fault in his eyes, is that you were his first girlfriend.

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You know that line that dumpers often give "it's not you, it's me". Well that is so true..it is NOT you, it is him. He is feeling society's pressure that people have to have experienced lots of partners before settling down..the more the merrier. He is a fool..and he will have to find out the hard way just how foolish he is. Let him go...when he has had his fill of women and finds out what he really threw away then you will have had a chance to live without him and know that you can indeed live without him...then you will decide whether he is really worth it. In the meantime, you heal and look elsewhere..and if he comes back and he is too late, that's his loss.

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I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now.

It must be very difficult to hear this from him, especially after being together for so long.

 

It will be little comfort to you now, but the truth is that if after 5 years he is uncertain about his commitment to you,

then it is in your best interest to let him walk.

 

This really is about him.

He's at the age where many people find themselves thinking about the future, and feeling pressured to sort their lives out.

If he knows that he is not quite ready to settle down, then to try to hold on to him will likely lead to regret and possibly resentment later on down the line.

 

The best you can do is to set him free.

Allow for space and time to iron things out.

 

It will take some work for you to readjust, but the fact is that you are still quite young.

You've been with this guy since age 20; the ages between 20 to 25 are years that most people change and grow,

explore different paths and oftentimes that includes dating around, too. You, however have been with this one person.

While right now you feel that he's the one you want, and he's the one you need, it's very possible that there's a match for you out there that's as good or better than this one.

 

Try to look at this as an opportunity for you to spread your wings beyond the familiar.

Not just in terms of meeting different men, but more importantly in the sense that these are prime years

for you to really focus on your interests, your career;

really finding out exactly who you are, and developing on a deeper level than one is able to do at age 19 or 20.

 

Not to mention, 25 is prime time for simply enjoying the last of your 'play' years;

for doing all of the fun and exciting things that you will have less time, opportunity, (not to mention energy!) to do by the time you hit your 30's.

 

He's focusing purely on himself, and by the same token, you need to focus on you.

If he is the right one for you, he will most certainly be back.

You've got nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

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There a few things about your post that stuck out to me. I will reference the most concerning.

 

"I'm so heartbroken I can't eat or drink. I'm exhausted.

 

I feel like I must have been a giant let down; the biggest disappointment and the worst girlfriend. Surely if I did my job properly, when he told me he loved me, he'd mean it? Surely I would be all he'd ever need?

 

He's all I need and all I want. I honestly don't think I can face a life...any kind of future....by being ditched in this way and not having him here.

 

I just don't care anymore. "

 

I will tell you a quick story. I was engaged to a man. We were together for 3 years. Literally, one day he decided he didn't want me anymore. We broke up and I felt exactly as you do now. I'll be honest, it took me over a year to feel like he wasn't THE ONE for me. But, I want to tell you, it's not the end. Not even close. Though it feels like the end of the world, you reacting in all the wrong ways. Taking it so utterly personal. Which, I admit, is not unwarranted. It's hard to hear such a thing as that, from the person you've loved for so long.

 

I would just like to give a little insight into his thinking. It will sound like I'm condoning what he's doing, but please don't take it that way.

 

You're his first girlfriend, and he's obviously still fairly young. It is an american norm to "cat-around" when you're young. His desire to do that spawns, not from anything you've done or haven't done, but from his own maleness.

 

It's such a hard concept to grasp, but this is what I'm feeling. If you love him, if you truly feel he is the one. Let him do it. Let him look around and see that no one is worth his time but you. Though it feels so huge right now, you know in your heart you're a good girlfriend. You know you've done your best, by him. If that wasn't the case, he wouldn't have stayed for five years. Maybe he needs to see how vapid the general female population is....to understand what a gem you are.

 

Something I said to someone else on here. "If you truly feel like they are the one for you...forever....what's a couple of days, weeks, months? In comparison to many more happy years together?" maybe he needs to find himself and find out why he's with you in the first place. It sounds like such a hard thing to do...but that's love. It's giving him the space to grow and change and learn...while not taking it so personally. It's better he do it now...then you guys get married and he has an affair? That's how I'd see it.

 

Do what you choose, but my advice is to let him go for now....give yourself some time to be objective about it...and see what happens. Freaking out and begging...will only alienate him and spur him further towards other women. Be understanding and loving..and you'll be VERY surprised at your result.

 

Think about it.

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I am willing to place a bet he will come back to you. This is probably going to happen even if he does say (in next few days) that he wants to move. Just based on my experience/actions....he will come back hopefully its because he wants you for you and not that he misses companionship.

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Hello, so sorry to hear your story-- I can tell you're in great pain. Four months ago I was broken up with by my boyfriend of 2.5 years for the exact same reasons you've described. It just wrecked me, I was a real mess. I was so excited to have found the person I wanted to be with, was looking forward to a future with him, and then poof- it was all gone because he "didn't know what he wanted" in a partner and "wasn't ready" to commit.

 

I agree with the other posters that it's important not to take this breakup personally. This IS about him, and about where he's at in his personal development. It has nothing to do with you. In my experience, the sooner you accept that the better off you'll be. I put myself through a lot of self-doubt and negative thinking at the beginning of my recovery process, and it sucked. When I finally realized that I did my best in the relationship, and he chose to walk away because of his own issues, it was like a weight was lifted. I've been feeling better and better ever since then.

 

So be warned that it will take time to get over this loss... but it will happen! In four months I've gone from being competely incapacitated by grief to accepting what happened and only feeling slightly sad/disappointed when I think about him. I did NC for the first couple months, and have been in LC more recently (I like NC better and will probably go back to that soon).

 

All the best, and feel free to PM if you want. I had never participated in an online forum like this before, but the people I've messaged with here have been so very helpful in getting past my breakup. It's a great tool if you ever find yourself needing some extra support to make it through.

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I agree with what a few others have said that it isn't about you, or anything you did or didn't do. It's about him, and what he wants at this point in his life. Really, if the guy had only ever been with one person, it's understandable that he would want to see what else is out there. I don't think wanting to experience more women is an ego thing for him, I think it's just something people have to do to get some perspective on what they want in a relationship. It could be that he goes out, dates a few women and decides that you really were the best for him. Or, it could be that you both meet someone new who is even better for you. It's like that quote- "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you they're yours, and if they don't, they were never yours to begin with." Or something like that.

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Same exact thing happened to me.

 

He'll be back. And you won't want him.

 

It may take some time but you'll start to see the cracks, the flaws in this relationship and this person. You'll start to realize that this isn't what real love looks like, and you that consistency will be an absolute asset to from here on out.

 

You won't allow yourself to be dragged through the mud again. And that's a good feeling.

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First of all, sorry for your loss. If i were you, i would withdraw completely from him and go NC, for your own good. The conceited part of me would say to give him so much space he misses you, the sensible part says to do it for your own good. You are in shock, but you will recover from this. Never place your entire sense of self in another person.

 

You probably did nothing wrong, this is his issue. Call your family and friends for support and try to keep yourself a bit busy so that you don't think about it completely (don't run away from it, just busy yourself a little). Don't think it's the end, you can and will go on without him.

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Before I give the update I just want to thank you all for your advice and words of support. It helped me considerably to be able to come on here and see that. So thankyou!!!

 

 

Ok so the update:

I didn't see him for several days and finally met up last night. He said he had done a lot of thinking and had made a decision - that he wants to stay with me and that I'm more important to him than anything else. He also wants us to move in together asap. He told me that I'd changed his life and he'll always love me, no matter what. He said he is looking forward to spending his life with me!

 

 

 

So I guess we'll be ok then!!

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that he wants to stay with me and that I'm more important to him than anything else. He also wants us to move in together asap. He told me that I'd changed his life and he'll always love me, no matter what. He said he is looking forward to spending his life with me!

 

Great news! But just dont rush in. He has gone from having doubts and now wanting to move intogether and spending his life with you. Keep him on his toes and make him chase a bit.Just be a little cautious

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