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How much influence can a recently-seperated friend have on the dumper's decision to 'do the deed'?


floridafan
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS

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One of my ex's best friends left her 4-year, engaged relationship only a couple months before my ex suddenly decided to leave me. This friend even stayed on our couch for almost a month while finding a place to live following her breakup. The friend did the right thing leaving that relationship, is very happy to be out of it, and is head-over-heels for her new guy... a successful outcome to a decision to leave.

 

Many friends have pointed out this coincidence to me and it leaves me wondering as to its merit. I know of other situations in the past where several breakups within a social group have dominoed to some extent.

 

Maybe this is more of a 'Breaking Up' thread than 'Getting Back Together', but part of trying to reconcile is about understanding all the reasons behind the breakup. Also, I might be a little partial to this forum as getting back together is my preferred outcome down the road. Ironically, my ex and this friend have gone cold towards each other since about 3 weeks after the breakup, they're still civil, but don't hang out anymore. My ex told me it's because this friend likes to stir up drama too much. The friend has no idea (and I didn't mention what my ex said) why my ex avoids her to hang out.

 

I'm not nec trying to make this thread about my specific situation, just curious if there's anything to the dynamic in general. Thanks for any input

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It's all just anecdotal, but I've seen it too. I think that this situation springs from feeling generally uncomfortable in the relationship, not seeing that leaving is an option, then watching a friend go through it and seeing there is life on the other side. Once they've seen the broken up with friend do okay and be happy they realise it does happen and it makes them braver about their own breakup.

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Well, I guess my case may or may not be an example. My ex's guy friend broke up with his girlfriend maybe 5 months before my ex broke up with me. The twist in the story is that my ex started dating this same guy within a couple of months after our breakup. He was there to console her with his experience. She stated that she had no interest in him until after the breakup... and I believe her... she is a trustworthy person.

 

I'm sure my ex's friend's breakup helped give her the courage to end things with me. As an aside, two of their friends tested the waters and started dating each other. Not too long after, they got engaged and are getting married next year. I wouldn't be surprised to see this happen with my ex. Her friends are a bad influence,IMO Anyhow, I apologize for the long story. I think caro33 is right in regards to providing courage. That is probably the main takeaway. Keep in mind that courage does not equal cause, so the breakup in your case likely stems from something else.

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So many people seem to need outside support in order to feel secure in themselves, which is really unfortunate.

 

it might be that in seeing his friend break up, he reviewed his own life and discovered he wasn;t happy either, and since his friend could so easily walk away, so could he.

 

Strenght in numbers...weakness in numbers

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I think there may be some truth to this, but isn't what happened in my situation.

 

My ex was the best man in a wedding a week before the break up. The couple that got married were only together for about a year before the marriage and everyone in our group is between 20-22 and a lot of us didn't really approve of them getting married so fast.

 

Factor in the fact that my ex and I had been dating off/on for about 7 years and he doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of marriage (I wasn't pressuring him or anything. I don't feel the need to get married but I did want to spend the rest of my life with him) and then you've got everyone asking when we're going to get married.... I think that might have pushed him over the edge.

 

He was probably thinking "Here is one of my best friends getting married at 21. I'm 22 and I've been with the same girl for nearly a decade. What else is out there? What am I missing? What is it like to be single?"

 

I'm hoping he sees it's not all that cracked up to be... but I'm realizing that it's going to take more than 2.5 months of NC.

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The problem with taking your friends advice is that they only hear about the problems in your relationship. You tell them (or your ex tells her/his friends) about a fight or an issue that you have and then the friends base their advice on that. Some relationship problems are obviously pretty bad and the advice to leave is good advice, but sometimes it is just a fight and your friends just want you to be happy so they tell you to leave. I wonder if my ex's friends told him to leave me when he complained to them about me. I don't even know if he complained to them about me, but I wonder....

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