Jump to content

Q for guys, will "yellow light" piss you off eventually?


fatcat1999

Recommended Posts

5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships

I'm going out with a guy three times only but we really heated off. I'm holding back even from him touching me because I know I won't be ready for sex for months, I don't want to give him "yellow light" and eventually piss him off.

 

Some men complain about women being teasers, they fool around naked with a man but just put a brake when sex is about to happen. It's like showing off candies to a little boy then taking them away from him when he's about to eat them. the boy will no doubt be pissed off and walk away.

 

so guys, do you prefer clear cut "red light" and "green light" in terms of sex or prefer "yellow light" till it turns to green?

 

also "cuddling in bed" with him but not ready to have sex yet, is it a risky business?

 

thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I talked to this guy and he said he'll never push me into sex but there're a lot of things we can do inbetween (he wants a yellow light basically).

 

I told my ex bf at the very beginning of my last relationship that I'll not be ready for sex for a while. he said he understands then he was pissed off and left me 1.5 months under the "yellow light"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sex was great...

 

I don't think I could be under yellow light for 1.5 months...much less after 1.5 weeks of serious relationship...Depends on your age though.

 

But then me and my ex felt so right about each other being together that there wasn't anything else we both wanted to do...we both had needs that HAD to be met!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm going out with a guy three times only but we really heated off. I'm holding back even from him touching me because I know I won't be ready for sex for months, I don't want to give him "yellow light" and eventually piss him off.

 

Some men complain about women being teasers, they fool around naked with a man but just put a brake when sex is about to happen. It's like showing off candies to a little boy then taking them away from him when he's about to eat them. the boy will no doubt be pissed off and walk away.

 

so guys, do you prefer clear cut "red light" and "green light" in terms of sex or prefer "yellow light" till it turns to green?

 

also "cuddling in bed" with him but not ready to have sex yet, is it a risky business?

 

thanks.

 

some people run through yellow lights

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I made my boundaries very clear so that I felt comfortable not going "all the way" but being intimate nonetheless. I wasn't wordy/long winded about it - just clear and concise, in a firm way but not taking myself or it too seriously. Very few men were upset about this and most respected me for my values/boundaries (often they felt the same about waiting). I would not have been happy/comfortable with no touching or cuddling after we'd gone out a few times.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's sad that people can't wait to have sex anymore. Seriously if someone cannot wait 1.5 months let alone till marriage then * * * ? This culture is retarded sometimes.

 

Sure sex is great, sure i'm not a virgin but still if you can't wait to have sex until you're in a more serious relationship then let that person go bang some hookers. For real because that's essentially what he/she is looking for.

 

Sorry rant over lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I say either go all the way or not at all. Many men don't get the same kind of fulfillment from cuddling and making out that women claim to, so yes it's teasing. Especially naked play or heavy petting. Unless you are very young, still in high school.

 

If you are not a virgin, and are starting out relationships with statements like "I won't be ready for sex for months," this smacks of power and control manipulation, and just like anyone else being manipulated, men resent this kind of thinking. When men hear "I'm not ready for sex yet" from a woman they have been dating some time, we hear "I am asserting control over you." All too often, "I'm not ready" means, "I'm not as ready with you as I was with my FWB who came over and banged me last night."

 

I would rather hear, "I do not have sex until I feel that I am involved in an exclusive relationship" or even " I do not want to have sex until marriage." These kinds of statements allow us to make a choice about whether our relationship parameters are compatible, as opposed to the nebulous "I'm not ready" which in itself has a teasing connotation.

 

If you have a firm policy of no sex or provocative physical contact until an exclusive relationship is in place, that's acceptable and not teasing. But be sure you have this policy for the right reasons, and not as a test or hoop for the guy to jump through, and most importantly, that you stick to it and it is known in your peer group that you stick to it. It is becoming increasingly easier for men to get sex, still nowhere as easy as it is for women, but easier. This makes women's use of sex as "trade goods" or a control device much more problematic, and this is a -great- thing for both sexes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

See, we've become smarter nowadays. In the old days people found out AFTER they got married to figure out if they are compatible sexually.

 

Today, we have discovered it really does pay off to find out Up Front. Really, sexual personality is as important as any other part of the personality we have, and it can make or break a relationship.

 

There is a point at which you have to ask what you are really waiting for. Is it becasue you have placed sex and your body on a pedestal?

 

He doesn't want to bang hookers, or he wouldn't be with you. Hold out too long and he will be going to bang some hookers. And there's a very good reason even married men going picking up hookers...They aren't being satisfied at home!

 

This was a revealing moment for me when it finally happened, and what I discovered is that a fair amount of the hype around sex on both sides fo the court is overplayed.

 

Anymore, I'd even consider a relationship where the people are just seeing each other to be "just friends." It's not officially a couple now until...well, you know. But look on the bright side - by bringing up the sex earlier, we're no longer having courtships of only a couple months before marriages, we've expanded that time limit to years.

 

My ex came from Mormon country - take a guess why the divorce rate is so high amongst mormon couples - as my ex said, there's lots of kids rushing themselves to get married just so they can enjoy having sex!

 

It's retarded to live in ignorance. Ignorance is the absence of knowledge, and experience begrets knowledge. No experience? No knowledge. Yes, with knowledge comes power, and with any power comes great responsibility.

 

After a certain point we all have to ask just why we're holding back in the first place. Why do we believe it is so important to wait?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

why I want to wait?

 

firstly, there're a lot of men out there who will say or do whatever just to get women in bed, the only way to weed those out is to wait. the players can't wait for months. no one wants to be used, right?

 

secondly, I want to get married one day, I want to wait till I'm sure I click well with this guy before I put out. sex will make my brain stop working, I want to wait and observe and think clearly before I sleep with a guy. I could waste years of my precious time being with a man who I'll never have a future with because of the homone set off by having sex with him.

 

from the feedbacks, I guess cuddling is ok as long as it's not naked heavy petting...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

why I want to wait?

 

firstly, there're a lot of men out there who will say or do whatever just to get women in bed, the only way to weed those out is to wait. the players can't wait for months. no one wants to be used, right?

 

secondly, I want to get married one day, I want to wait till I'm sure I click well with this guy before I put out. sex will make my brain stop working, I want to wait and observe and think clearly before I sleep with a guy. I could waste years of my precious time being with a man who I'll never have a future with because of the homone set off by having sex with him.

 

from the feedbacks, I guess cuddling is ok as long as it's not naked heavy petting...

 

I could understand that. You have to weed out the chaff. But I do believe you can weed most of these guys out within the first week. After the first week you have the posers left to contend with, and that can be difficult.

 

In my case, if a girl wants me exclusively, that's her way of really putting it to me. I still take sex quite seriously, and I really want a partner who I can enjoy being with. But it isn't just about sex to me - its about getting to know your body and how it works. If you're exclusively with me, then I feel we're close enough to figure these things out. And further, as I see it, these parts on me were put there for you to enjoy, and those parts on you were put there for me to enjoy...so why wait?

 

Sex will not make your brain stop from working. It may cloud your judgement, but it will not make your brain stop working. Heck, the sex was GREAT with my ex and she still ended the relationship.

 

You can waste years no matter what you do because ultimately your banking on someone else also being to you what you are to them.

 

Cuddling is fun. So is being close. But if I have to wait months to experience your body, I have to start questioning if you are even comfortable with this whole thing in the first place. I'm looking for someone who is sexually enlightened and still interested in a committed exclusive relationship, not a sexually prudent pervert. The body is just one more aspect of the relationship that unfortunately has a fair amount of taboo still.

 

Nakedness without sex is almost...um...can you actually do that???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You make some great points fatcat, but wanted to stop on the "brain clouding" hormonal thing. You aren't really so much a slave to emotions are you? That big cerebral cortex up front should allow you to control those emotions, right?

 

Control yourself and you will have no problem finding the relationship you want. Attempting to control the men involved, whereas it used to be a valid strategy, doesn't work so much any more, at least with any man worth having.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What men reply on this question depends on them as an individual - there are no 'rules' or even societal norms any more. People are free to do what they want with a consenting partner. So the only way you are going to find out what this guy wants is by communicating with him directly because no one here can answer for him in any meaningful way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

something else jsut occurred to me...

 

In my town, and it's a college town in a county with 1 million people, there are no less than ten strip clubs. So if your boy wants to see nudity and girls up close, he'll go see it - heck, $100 and he can have a girl in his lap and perhaps for longer than a couple usually cuddles before falling asleep!

 

I'd suggest getting yourself educated on all aspects of sex before getting involved, though. Education might ease a number of your anxieties. And it should certainly help you in your weak spot - something tells me you probably don't have much experience yourself right now. That means you might be running into people who have a LOT of experience, and so you might be cold turkey when they're used to roaring hot roast beef. It might sound horrid, but they might say "I waited three months for THAT???" Yes, they are with you for other reasons too, but ultimately, we're package deals, and that IS part of the package! If one part doesn't measure up, it makes other packages seem more appealing...

 

I didn't understand this until I had sex, but I do now - there's a lot of things my ex did that not all girls do, which surprised me but it was a very nice surprise indeed. And she gave me liberties with her body I do not take for granted; I recognize finding another might be difficult if not outright impossible. But then I hope I just have to find a girl who is super into me, I suppose!! What I learned is I DO appreciate experience [i don't think I have t be with someone who isn't experienced to know the difference...!] and I further enjoy someone who is very comfortable me enjoying myself and pleasing them with their body.

 

I also waited 25 years looking for someone who I could be with. It took a long time because I am very picky, and further, I am very standoffish, which means I'm almost playing more of a female hand than a male hand. We knew after the second time we cuddled that we were ready for sex, but we had known each other for three months before that, and gone on a couple dates. We had sex and then we had the talk - but like the sex, the talk was natural - we already knew what we wanted and that was each other!

 

I still remember that night being on the phone with her [she was on a road trip the whole week after the night we hooked up] discussing these things; it was one of the happiest nights of my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

why the willingness to wait for sex relates to "controlling the men involved"? I really don't understand that.

 

You make some great points fatcat, but wanted to stop on the "brain clouding" hormonal thing. You aren't really so much a slave to emotions are you? That big cerebral cortex up front should allow you to control those emotions, right?

 

Control yourself and you will have no problem finding the relationship you want. Attempting to control the men involved, whereas it used to be a valid strategy, doesn't work so much any more, at least with any man worth having.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you're judgmental of "not comfortable with the whole thing in the first place", my ex bf claimed " you don't sleep with me coz I'm not special to you". waiting for sex has nothing to do with low libido or low regards to the other person, it's just a personal value.

 

In the States, the whole "going with the flow" sex thing is so overrated,I think sex is a very serious thing if not sacred that I want to share with just one man in my life if I'm lucky.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

why the willingness to wait for sex relates to "controlling the men involved"? I really don't understand that.

 

If your relationship is mutually ready for sex after three weeks, and you're holding out for a certain time frame like nine weeks, then for six weeks he's sitting on a fire and you're holding the poker...longer he sits, the more he roasts.

 

But it sounds like in your case you're just not ready to Have Sex. That's perfectly OK. I wasn't personally ready either for a long time. There isn't a set waiting period; there's a definate sense of common ground that has to be attained before this sort of thing happens.

 

It's like asking your parents when they knew they were ready - for dating, for marriage, for sex, for kids. The typical answer is "We just knew." No fancy plans, usually a couple "mistakes" a couple happy accidents, but in short, it's a mutual place.

 

When you find that mutual person, even you will find that whole time frame paradigm goes right out the window.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What men reply on this question depends on them as an individual - there are no 'rules' or even societal norms any more. People are free to do what they want with a consenting partner. So the only way you are going to find out what this guy wants is by communicating with him directly because no one here can answer for him in any meaningful way.

 

We talked about it, and he said he's going to wait however long I wanted, if we eventually part our ways without having sex, it's fine for him, I'll have to let him know when I'm ready.

 

I just wonder whether it's ok to be more intimate with him or I should give him a clear red light till I'm ready to go all the way. He said it's ok to do it but from my experiences, yellow light piss a guy off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you're judgmental of "not comfortable with the whole thing in the first place", my ex bf claimed " you don't sleep with me coz I'm not special to you". waiting for sex has nothing to do with low libido or low regards to the other person, it's just a personal value.

 

In the States, the whole "going with the flow" sex thing is so overrated,I think sex is a very serious thing if not sacred that I want to share with just one man in my life if I'm lucky.

 

Sex IS very serious, but then so is a relationship. But it's not so sacred that it goes up on a pedestal and only comes down once or twice a year. It's part of the package.

 

I may sound like I'm being judgemental, but I'm just telling you as I see it. It certainly is a personal value, and how comfortable one is with doing it does say alot about their personal values. There are negative aspects to both ends of the spectrums, but luckily there are also plenty of people on both ends of the spectrum for each other.

 

You want to share it with just one man, but seeing as how 70% of relationships and 50% of marriages are ending these days, it might be wise to be aware of the odds. the odds are better in casinos!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you just have to communicate clearly about what you want and how far you're willing to go, so that it doesn't become a constant struggle between you two--I think guys get annoyed with the "yellow" light when they feel like they're still having to initiate anything and then experiment until they get rejected...over and over again, because they don't know what you're going to be okay with and what you're not. We all want to feel like we're sexy and desirable, and I imagine it's hard for a guy to feel that way when he's being constantly told "no", even for good reasons. If he knows what your limits are and what you are comfortable with, he should only hear "yes" because he will know your boundaries and be respecting them.

 

So if you're okay with cuddling in bed but want to be sure he's not annoyed by that, I would just talk to him about it. "I like doing this but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, is this okay?"

 

And saying you're not ready for sex is no more of a power game or manipulative tactic than a guy saying he won't stay unless you *do* have sex. Which is to say, neither one of them really are, it's all about what individuals are comfortable with and expect out of a relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We talked about it, and he said he's going to wait however long I wanted, if we eventually part our ways without having sex, it's fine for him, I'll have to let him know when I'm ready.

 

I just wonder whether it's ok to be more intimate with him or I should give him a clear red light till I'm ready to go all the way. He said it's ok to do it but from my experiences, yellow light piss a guy off.

 

Do you want to be more intimate? And are you prepared for that intimacy to become sex? I would say you should only start being more intimate if you are ready for the latter to occur, even though you might not say anything to him at the time. The real moment of truth is when you buy the condoms, and that could be weeks beofre anythign happens. I realized this may seem like a boy responsibility, but I believe it is a shared responsibility to keep family planning in store [that what the store calls the section!] What this is really saying is that you are personally ready to do it, because it is not easy for unexperienced people to buy a box of condoms. It's still not easy for me to do it!

 

I personally waited until I was ready for the green light - and then I put myself in a place where she could be intimate with me. From there, I let her feel where the green light was. I didn't push, I didn't pull. All my ex did to signal that she wanted to do it was take off her shirt. From there it was a simple matter of raising the wager with another shirt...we may have said something or another to each other and that was the end of it. In that case I knew she was far more experienced than I was, and so she had the power of the situation. I'm both glad I waited but I was also quite bemused that what I knew about sex before was true; a lot of hype. But then I got better at it, practice, and now it's a lot different than that first time. It's alot better too.

 

But that's past now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not all men are alike, but in my experience with the guys I have dated...while it's of course perfectly fine to not want to go all the way and to want to wait, the guys I've dated would get frustrated if I only went part of the way. So for me, if I'm not ready for that it's just better to not get too close to it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you want to be more intimate? And are you prepared for that intimacy to become sex? I would say you should only start being more intimate if you are ready for the latter to occur, even though you might not say anything to him at the time. The real moment of truth is when you buy the condoms, and that could be weeks beofre anythign happens. I realized this may seem like a boy responsibility, but I believe it is a shared responsibility to keep family planning in store [that what the store calls the section!] What this is really saying is that you are personally ready to do it, because it is not easy for unexperienced people to buy a box of condoms. It's still not easy for me to do it!

 

lol, yes, for me the equivalent was going to my doctor to start "the pill". I had always promised myself I would not become sexually active until I was on a method of birth control that *I* would have total control over. After I did that it wasn't long at all before I signalled to my boyfriend that I was ready! But I am glad, looking back at it, that I chose something like that that involved me having to think about the decision for a while before rushing into anything--even though I'm not with the guy anymore, I feel really good about how I lost my virginity, because I waited until I was ready and could prove it by behaving responsibly before and after the act. I'm sure buying condoms is a similar kind of thing, I had a friend refuse to have sex with her boyfriend because he was too embarrassed to go buy condoms!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...