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Worried i'm doing the wrong thing :-(


ninja5325

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Hi all,

 

This is my first post and i apologise if its a little long, i just need some advice, (or a good kick up the ass probably) and even though i'm sure you'll all think i'm a cow for what i'm doing, i genuinely don't know what to do anymore...

 

I suppose i should start from the beginning, but i'm gettin confused my self as to where that really is these days. Back in early April, i had a "moment" with a friend, which led to us becoming closer, though he never said he wanted a relationship or anything. I kept gettin mixed signals from him though, which annoyed me - one minute we were gettin on great and it was goin somewhere, and the next, he was very distant. Regardless, we stayed mates, and everything went ok, til i started seeing someone else, as i eventually assumed he just wasn't interested. The "friend" became very distant, we hardly spoke, and i didnt know why. When me and my bf split up (for completely unrelated reasons that have no bearing on the other person!) we seemed to click again, and i assumed he'd been jealous. We went out, had a great night (as friends) and the morning after, kissed. After all the mixed signals from April, i thought maybe it was all sorted and was quite happy. He went back home (we're at uni, and it was summer vacation) and we carried on talking via the internet etc. Everything seemed ok, then in July, for no reason, he stopped communicating with me, completely. A week later, i found out via FB of all things that he was in a relationship with someone else. I was understandably annoyed, but decided that if he was happy, then all was good, and told him so. He eventually came online for a chat, and told me he was really sorry and he shouldnt have gotten with someone else, he was confused, and didnt know what to do, because he did have feelings for me, but didn't know if he had feelings for his gf, and was in a bit of a mess. I told him the truth, that i'd like him since April, which i hadnt previously admitted, and he admitted he had feelings for me back then as well. I felt a little better, just knowing i hadnt been imagining things! Then he and his gf ended. I thought things were going to go back to normal, as they had been before the gf, but they didnt. He refused to speak to me properly again, and i was more confused than ever. A couple weeks ago, i decided i couldnt keep waiting for someone like that, and moved on(or so i thought). I'm now seeing someone, and we're gettin on really well. I didn't actually intend gettin together with anyone, but we seemed to click, and upto now we're working. Problem is, i cant get my "friend" out of my head and its driving me nuts. Everything i felt since April, i still feel, and i've tried to switch it off and remind myself that he messed me about and is ignoring me, but nothing works. I feel so guilty about how i feel, i cant sleep anymore. We start lectures again in 3 weeks, and both these people are in my year and on my course, which is going to be so difficult. I genuinely don't want to hurt my bf, but i cant get my head straight. I know i shouldnt be with him if i love someone else, but that someone else might never be mine - and i dont know which is worse - loving someone i cant have and staying single for god knows how long because of that, or being with someone that makes me happy and having to live with myself loving someone else. I just dont know what to do anymore. I tried transferring to a different university to get away from my friend, thinking that distance would make the feelings go away, but i couldnt get the transfer i wanted.

 

Any advice is appreciated. I wish i knew why my friend has been / is being the way he is, and i would ask him if he would even talk to me. As he wont, i feel i should make some sort of decision, because i dont want to hurt anyone.

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I don't think what you are doing is bad cause you're just trying to move on but I think he was trying to do the same thing but he's probably thought back and thought you were trying to harm him there for he's not talking to you and I done this with my last gf and I felt a right * * * * about it. But I think you just gotta tell him that weren't trying to hurt him.

 

Hope this sorta helped

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My hunch is that this has more to do with the current relationship not being a good match --or you preferring to chase the unavailable as opposed to being more "settled" - rather than having to do with feelings for anyone else. I don't think it's wrong to continue to have a mild crush on someone else - meaning you can have a healthy, happy relationship despite the mild crush - but I think you're still in the thrill of the chase mindset and your current bf can never live up to that. Or, the current bf is not right for you and as a result your eyes are wandering so to speak.

 

I don't think the alternative to thrill of the chase is "settling" -- it's getting to a place in your head and in your heart where the type of excitement that comes from thrill of the chase (as opposed to the excitement from being with someone in a committed, steady relationship) doesn't appeal to you.

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Thanks for your replies - yes i think my friend got with the gf he had to try and hurt me the way i must have hurt him when i got with someone else, but what hurts is that if i'd known he had feelings for me i wouldn't have ever gone near anyone else. He should have told me how he felt and then i wouldnt be in this mess

 

As for being in the thrill of the chase - i completely understand why you would think that, and i have wondered myself if its just that i always want something i cant have, but i dont think it is. My friend (its so annoying i cant use names!) has messed me about so much - it isnt a thrill chasing him(im not actually chasing him - i was waiting for him to make his damn mind up), and it isnt exciting, it hurts. I want to let go and can't, because i can't stop wondering if things will go back to how they were (before vacation) when we all start back in lectures. We havent seen each other in 3 months, and i dont like the thought that when we do see each other, everything will go back to normal, except i wont be able to be with him because im now with someone else. Is me trying to have a relationship with my bf going to work, or am i fooling myself and hurting him in the process? I feel i should end things and wait to see if anything is going to happen with my friend, but then if it doesnt, i'm going to be annoyed that i didnt keep tryign to make this present relationship work.

 

Sorry if im not making much sense, im just confused, and dont want to have to carry on feeling like this.

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Whether or not your friend intended to 'mess you about', he hasn't been forthright or forthcoming,

and whether or not it was intentional, has acted in a way that comes accross as thoughtless at best.

 

You know this.

 

He hasn't been in touch with you, so running and hiding from him seems a silly course of action.

Transferring to a different university would not help you hide from the way that you feel, so to me,

I think you're lucky that you weren't able to get the transfer.

 

This way, you're going to have to confront the uncomfortable reality:

you have been over-romanticising the situation with your friend, and

because of his absence, have allowed yourself to build him up in your head.

 

It's time for a reality check.

 

The friend (and all of the energy that you are devoting to thoughts of him) is a waste of your time.

Now, if you can accept this, and enjoy the crush for what it is, then that's one thing,

but you're right-- there's absolutely no sense in waiting around for that guy.

 

As for the boyfriend, well, it sounds to me like Batya33 might be onto something here.

 

The boyfriend may be great, but he's REAL; not fantasy like the other guy.

That being said, he's going to have a harder time fitting into your imagined ideal than a fantasy-version of the friend will.

Does that make sense to you?

 

As for the new boyfriend, you should definitely give a long hard think over what your expectations are in a relationship.

If you're not 100% interested in getting to know him, or are unprepared to enjoy him for who he is, then it's definitely time to take a step back.

It's really not fair to him to keep going out if your heart is elsewhere.

 

There's nothing wrong with being single, and it's far preferable to being with the wrong person, or finding yourself in a situation that is not satisfying.

Worse still is allowing yourself to get into a situation that distracts you from your life, rather than being a part of it.

 

Do what you need to do so that you can feel present, and focused on what's really important right now:

your University course is at the top of that list.

 

The boyfriend situation will sort itself out in due time.

What I mean is that you're young, and there is plenty of time for dating, and meeting guys.

When the relationship/timing is right, it won't cause you this sort of anxiety.

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The boyfriend may be great, but he's REAL; not fantasy like the other guy.

That being said, he's going to have a harder time fitting into your imagined ideal than a fantasy-version of the friend will.

 

Thanks Odile - yes that does make sense, and i see what you mean - which makes me wonder if that means that this relationship im in now is wrong, because surely if it was right, i wouldnt need an imagined ideal, or at least wouldnt have one...

 

I think your right about my priorities as well, and i do already know this, it's just very difficult for me to focus on anything right now, and i fear this is gonna get worse when we all have to face each other in 3 weeks. I don't suppose you have any advice for how to deal with having to be back there and around him all the time do you? (i cant possibly avoid him because of the nature of our degree) Is there a way of shutting these things out?

 

Thanks again though - you've kind of given me the kick i need to do something about it. Now i just need to know how...

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Probably the best thing that you can do is to spend more time with your friends, and otherwise engage in activities that motivate and inspire you.

 

 

This can be bunch of different things, so find your own balance between these areas:

 

*Socialising- be it on campus, with new groups, or with old pals or family, spend time with people who you feel good being around.

 

*Quiet time/Meditative activity -ex., long walks, cleaning your room; basically, solitary things that bring you calm.

 

*Challenge Yourself - do independent research; read in the library, go to museums/talks/free events, see documentaries-- make time for anything that gets your ideas flowing and reminds you of why you chose to be studying in the field that you have chosen. The best way for you to get the most out of your course is to really throw yourself into your studies, and ENJOY them.

 

I honestly think that once you get things in better balance, and feel like you own your life, then these dudes will be non-issues.

No need to shut them out, just get them in perspective. Remember: they're just guys.

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If your friend all of the sudden became interested, would you leave your current bf for him? If that's the case, then dump the guy now regardless of what happens with your friend. It's not really fair to use him as a backup. If you'd stay with him no matter what, even if your friend declared his undying love, then you have nothing to worry about.

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I don't think what you are doing is bad cause you're just trying to move on but I think he was trying to do the same thing but he's probably thought back and thought you were trying to harm him there for he's not talking to you and I done this with my last gf and I felt a right * * * * about it. But I think you just gotta tell him that weren't trying to hurt him.

 

Hope this sorta helped

 

I don't get it, she wasnt trying to hurt anyone. She's done nothing wrong...

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My first thoughts on this post was that you are still reeling and hurt from the rejection of it all.

 

If we are rejected and hurt, we always seem to long for that person. Its human nature actually.

 

Maybe you got with someone too soon after all of this happened.

 

I think you need to face this friend of yours and have a chat maybe and get it all out in the open, which will always be hard the first time. It might help you to move on....

 

Or it could be as Batya suggested, that you are scared to be with someone available and loving and enjoy the chase of someone who is never gonna be available to you.

 

I hate to say it, but you need to move on somehow because if he really wanted you, he would have snapped you up. x

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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