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I'm beyond gutted. It was someone else.


icyness
Feeling like a failure, mum? This i...
Feeling like a failure, mum? This is what you need to hear

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I posted this on another forum, however I'm doing so here as well because I need all the support I can get right now as I'm beyond crushed at the moment.

 

Well, I don't even know what to think do or say now.

Today I thought I'd take a chance and send a happy nice text to my ex.

I was incredibly happy to say the least when he actually texted me back.

It was like nothing changed, he was his old sweet self, I couldn't believe it.

 

This didn't last long.

 

I knew it was probably dumb, but I casually asked if he had a girlfriend. I assured him I'd be fine with it and I just wanted to know.

He kept avoiding it for like an hour... but finally answered "yes I do."

I said "so you left me for someone else, why couldn't you just be honest, I asked you several times, why didn't you just tell me?"

The last thing he said was "I have nothing else to say to you at this point."

I of course went off and said a bunch of other texts I shouldn't have, but then about half an hour later I said "I didn't mean any of the other texts; just absorbing the shock of it.

I wish you nothing but the best. Good luck with her (his name)."

 

Oh. My. God. I feel like I'm dying inside. This whole time I knew, I just KNEW it was someone else. But to actually hear them confirm it is just..Oh my god.

WHY do they lie about it? I asked a million times when he left if it was someone else and he was adamant it was not. He lied this whole time.

Everyone was right how it just brings up a million other questions because now I just want to know more and more...I feel like I can't breathe. I just want to disappear.

Why do they do this.

 

Also, I didn't expect this at all since I thought he'd probably be happy he's rid of me now, but he has since texted me saying "he's sorry I'm hurting, he wants us to be friends, and when he's ready to talk, I'll hear from him."

 

Don't know what to do with any of this at the moment.

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WHY do you ask about it? Especially when you already know the answer and already know you're not going to like hearing it from him. What good does it do to spend all that energy confirming something you already knew was going on when you're not even together anymore. It just doesn't make any sense to me why you'd do that to yourself.

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I am so sorry....I suspected this, from having been in similar LDR shoes at one point, but I didn't say anything because I knew it would hurt you. You know what though? At least he responded that he was sorry he hurt you, etc. If he really didn't give a damn, he just wouldn't have even responded at all.

 

I hope you know most LDR's don't work, and if you were there, things may have worked out. I am so sorry this happened to you - I have been there. I, too, suspected there was someone else (LDR) and wanted to know. When I found out, I felt 100x worse than when I wasn't hearing from him. Closure is so overrated.

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icyness,

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I think what happened to you is why most people remain in NC after their relationship ended. I know you were probably trying to be nice but I really think its best for you not to contact him any further its just going to cause you pain.

 

In regards to your question as to why they do this in all honesty I think that they lie because they feel that they are "protecting" us. They feel that what we don't know wont hurt us. Personally I feel that its better to be 100% honest than to be taken for a fool.

 

For now I don't think its a good idea for you guys to be friends I mean hes all happy and dandy in his new relationship while you are hurting and now he knows that after the texts that you sent him.

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Lunarstar is right in that his "lying" was because he thought it would protect you. He knows how you feel. I am not justifying his actions, just trying to explain his reasoning. I guess if he didn't care, it would have been rather easy for him to tell you. But it wasn't.

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Thanks you guys.

 

Sn0man, I don't know. I wanted to know in order to confirm my fears as it is such a gnawing feeling, especially when you're LD. As much as it hurts, at least I know now.

 

Misskitty, thank you, your posts are always very comforting and I always am interested in what you have to say. I appreciate it.

 

And thanks lunerstar and everyone else.

 

I'm just. yeah, I don't know what I am at the momnet. It feels unreal. I feel numb.

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Lunarstar is right in that his "lying" was because he thought it would protect you. He knows how you feel. I am not justifying his actions, just trying to explain his reasoning. I guess if he didn't care, it would have been rather easy for him to tell you. But it wasn't.

 

I believe you guys are right. What I'm confused about now is his motive for wanting to be friends. Is it out of guilt?

I really and truly thought it was done and he'd be happy to finally get rid of me..then I go to my room and to my shock he's like "I'm sorry you're hurting" and continues with a few more texts back and forth talking about being friends.

 

Not saying I'm going to, I just don't want him doing so out of guilt.

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Thanks you guys.

 

Sn0man, I don't know. I wanted to know in order to confirm my fears as it is such a gnawing feeling, especially when you're LD. As much as it hurts, at least I know now.

 

Misskitty, thank you, your posts are always very comforting and I always am interested in what you have to say. I appreciate it.

 

And thanks lunerstar and everyone else.

 

I'm just. yeah, I don't know what I am at the momnet. It feels unreal. I feel numb.

 

Its normal for you to feel this way but at least now you have the closure that you didn't receive before.

 

I am sure with time you will feel better, its seems like you were doing it once before. I know right now you have had a minor setback, but remember we all have these, stay strong and I am sure you will be able to overcome this.

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I

believe you guys are right. What I'm confused about now is his motive for wanting to be friends. Is it out of guilt?

I really and truly thought it was done and he'd be happy to finally get rid of me..then I go to my room and to my shock he's like "I'm sorry you're hurting" and continues with a few more texts back and forth talking about being friends.

 

Not saying I'm going to, I just don't want him doing so out of guilt.

..

He sent more? He still cares. I'm telling you if he didn't, you would never have heard from him again. When my LDR ex told me (in an email), I never heard from him again.

 

I am not trying to give you hope - I think NC is best - but there is still something there. No, I don't think anyone wants to stay in touch over guilt. Especially LD. It would be too easy for him to just delete you, you know? He must care.

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Thanks you guys.

 

Sn0man, I don't know. I wanted to know in order to confirm my fears as it is such a gnawing feeling, especially when you're LD. As much as it hurts, at least I know now.

 

I'm just. yeah, I don't know what I am at the momnet. It feels unreal. I feel numb.

 

 

Hi honey. I'm so sorry you are hurting, but I would suggest that you stop contacting him for now; as you have seen, it will cause you more grief.

 

Also, try not to assume his answer meant that he only left you for someone else. It is likely that was a part of it, but there were likely other issues going on in the relationship.

 

How long has it been since you two broke up?

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Hey icyness, I'm really sorry this happened to. I've been through it myself, twice. This last time I didn't care to find out the reasons he went distant on me and changed towards the end.

 

I think you are the kind of person to need to get your answer, and you've got it now. You don't know for sure he left you for her, but I've read your earlier posts and the evidence seems to point in that direction.

 

LDRs are very hard and I guess I will reach a point in the future where I realise, if he left for someone else, perhaps with the distance it was less about me than that he wanted someone close by...and that person appeared on the scene, solving his conundrum for him. It isn't about you. With distance I think there is just more opportunity for feelings to change.

 

Don't contact him anymore! You've made your peace with him by wishing him the best (I'm not forgiving enough to do that)...now there is nothing left to say.

 

Hugs!

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How do you know that he was seeing this girl before you broke up?

 

I don't for sure, but towards the end he was pulling away from me, and he lied about where he was and such a couple of days before it all unraveled and he left me.

 

Thanks for all the feedback and support you guys, it really is much appreciated.

 

I haven't slept the whole night despite trying, and I've not eatten for about a day or so now.

I'm trying to deal with it, I really am. At least I know now it can't get any worse.

 

Badhabits, I'm honestly not that forgiving either..it killed me to say that to him; I just didn't want him to remember me in a negative way.

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I don't for sure, but towards the end he was pulling away from me, and he lied about where he was and such a couple of days before it all unraveled and he left me.

 

Thanks for all the feedback and support you guys, it really is much appreciated.

 

I haven't slept the whole night despite trying, and I've not eatten for about a day or so now.

I'm trying to deal with it, I really am. At least I know now it can't get any worse.

 

Badhabits, I'm honestly not that forgiving either..it killed me to say that to him; I just didn't want him to remember me in a negative way.

 

Force yourself to eat - your body needs energy - it will make you feel much better and more emotionally stable...

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WHY do they lie about it?

Why do they do this.

 

"so you left me for someone else, why couldn't you just be honest, I asked you several times, why didn't you just tell me?"

The last thing he said was "I have nothing else to say to you at this point."

I of course went off and said a bunch of other texts I shouldn't have

 

This is why they lie. You "assured him you'd be okay with it" but actually blasted him for it. He was trying to avoid that.

I'm not saying you're not justified in being hurt and upset that he has a new girlfriend....but as for "why he lied"....you don't need to add that to the pile of hurt. He lied so that he wouldn't get a barrage of angry texts telling him what a jerk he is. Or maybe he didn't want to hurt you.

So, while you are in legit pain, don't be all like "and on top of everything else he lied to me!!" You also lied by assuring him you'd be okay with it.

Focus on the real loss of the relationship and not on "the lie".

As for why he wants to be friends....to ease his guilt or because after all your texts he sees how hurt you are. He wants to make you feel better maybe...?? Personally if a guy dumped me for someone else or I was still interested and he had a new gf, I wouldn't see the point in being friends. And if he offered to be my friend only after a text battle, I'd find it patronizing and a turn off. What can he offer you as a friend that will make you happy? It's only a chance to hang on to someone who is decidedly not interested and has moved on.

Don't bother.

Focus on your own healing and not what he's thinking or why he lied or why he would want to be friends.

Focus on you only.

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Most people know how emotionally combustive a breakup can be... and if he has someone else, probably has a range of feelings:

 

* Doesn't want to hurt you.

* Doesn't want to admit he cheated.

* Feels guilty.

* Doesn't want to deal with the tears and accusations that cheating brings.

* Doesn't want you finding out about the new girl and calling her.

* Doesn't want anybody else besides you to know he cheated, if he wants to bring the new girl around them.

 

So many people are cowardly, and stack up the potential negatives of telling you against the lesser upheaval of just sneaking off if they can get away with it.

 

It doesn't justify the behavior at all, but a breakup with cheating is very explosive, so they want to avoid the consequences, though usually the ex eventually finds out anyway and is doubly upset, as you are now.

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How do you know that he was seeing this girl before you broke up?

The other question is how do you know he didn't give you the response because he was tired of hearing the question about whether or not he was seeing someone else? Based on his responses, this certainly seems like a possibility. If you were going to ignore his previous responses, he may have figured that he should tell you what you wanted to hear.

 

In reality, it doesn't matter if he is/was/will seeing someone. He chose not to be with you, and this is what should matter.

Having someone else involved is irrelevant (even though it hurts a lot - I know from experience). Usually if someone leaves for someone else, they were likely planning to leave anyhow. Guys often wait until another option appears. So, I don't think your ex would have left you for this other girl. He would have left you because things weren't working, and then he went to the other girl because he thought there might be a possibility. So, don't think this girl has any great quality that you lack.... if she even exists. I'd worry more about healing before you talk to your ex again.

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LDRs are very hard and I guess I will reach a point in the future where I realise, if he left for someone else, perhaps with the distance it was less about me than that he wanted someone close by...and that person appeared on the scene, solving his conundrum for him. It isn't about you. With distance I think there is just more opportunity for feelings to change.
..

As someone who has a LOT of LDR's experience, I can tell you this is most likely it. LDR's are a whole different animal, and I'm not saying people can't leave because of compatibility,etc - just that many times they simply are selfish and cannot deal with the lonliness, lack of sex, etc that a LDR has.

 

I'm telling you this may very well have been an issue of selfish inconvenience on his part. We will never know for sure, but I am sure that was part of it.

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I'm sure you're right Misskitty..Unfortunately I had a horrible feeling about him going back home to do the college program he was going to do, and it exploded in my face just like I feared.

He'd been telling me it was harder and harder to leave me each time we saw each other and that he didn't know if he could take it anymore.

It was all an awful gut wrenching feeling from the moment he started it, so I guess I shouldn't have been that surprised..but I am.

 

Longdist, I've thought of this too, honestly I don't know what to think anymore.

It's a possibility, but, I don't know. He's never been one to play games, I'm just going to assume for the sake of my heart not being able to take anymore, that it's true.

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I didn't read through all the posts so forgive me if this has been asked and answered already, but how do you know that he left you for her. Maybe he starting dating her after the breakup?

 

I don't know for sure, I'm assuming at this point based off everything that occurred right before he left me, and everything else after.

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