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Are you feeling empty inside?


MrSoAndSo2009

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I have put this in the "Getting Back Together" forum although it could be in almost any.

 

If you are in pain over your break up and holding onto the hope of getting back together, I would urge you to work through your feelings of emptiness first.

 

Ask yourself the following questions. Answer them in response to this thread if you like.

 

(1) Are you feeling empty inside? Describe it.

(2) Can you remember a time when you were growing up that you had these feelings?

 

I think you will find that only a small % of your pain is about your current situation, and a much larger % is about your past. Think carefully about the second question.

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Solitude is what I'm living .

 

I could hear a pin drop

 

"Hear nothing, see nothing, whats up with that. Turn around and never look back." This is what an old wise friend told me years ago. I did my part, but the other part is no where to be found. I'm no where to be found either.

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Good questions, but very tricky, difficult for me to answer...I'll try though.

 

1. I do feel empty. I did feel somewhat empty when I was with my ex too, but not because of him. It's hard to describe. It's like I carry around existential angst. I believe in God, but sometimes I just have no clue what meaning or purpose my life here has. I've read countless books like The Purpose Driven Life, and I get that we exist for God, but that's not concrete enough for me to understand. Sure, we have to be good people, but what do we DO with our lives? I have no job and no relationship...Freud said those were the two signs of a healthy, functioning person...so where does that leave me? Very broken, I guess.

 

I have many interests, but not too much energy. I can focus for long periods of time, but have trouble transitioning between one activity and another. I get very anxious when I think about performing in front of groups of people. I tend to be a perfectionist and am hard on myself when other people judge me or I anticipate that they will.

 

Sometimes I just don't understand why I'm here. That's why I feel empty. When my family (mom, especially) dies, I'll feel like I have no one. I feel very alone even though I am around other people. I don't connect with most others because I don't have stuff in common with them. It feels like life is too much of a struggle. I don't want to start all over again, getting to know a stranger. I grew up with my ex (for the most part) and I love him. I feel like I am too alone, too without a "home base." God is very vague to me and no matter how much I pray, I don't feel His presence often lately.

 

2. When I was growing up, I felt unstable because my parents were buying me things one minute and screaming at me (and threatening suicide) a minute later. I was confused because I never knew what was going to happen. My parents divorced and I felt like my mom wanted to get rid of me but I felt my dad didn't love me at all. I felt like I didn't know how to take care of myself. Nobody ever taught me how, even to this day. I had to teach myself on my own and I'm still pretty weak and clueless.

 

In school, I was naive and nerdy but people did like me because I was book-smart. I sucked at sports, though, and other girls made fun of me and literally pushed me around, called me names, and threatened to beat me up. I ate lunch alone often times, then felt bad because I had friends who didn't understand why I didn't eat with them. I guess I didn't feel like they *really* cared about me (just that they felt sorry for me), so I avoided them to avoid being rejected.

 

The funny thing is, a lot of people liked me or considered me their friend, but I didn't feel their caring. I always felt like someone was going to turn their back on me. In college, one friend did do that. She acted like she adored me (even loved me), then she decided she never wanted to speak to me again. I was clueless about what happened and still don't know to this day. I never asked her what happened because I figured she wasn't worth it.

 

I'm not sure exactly how that translates to my ex except sometimes I didn't believe that he *really* loved me. I couldn't feel it sometimes, even though he insisted it was true. I didn't bug him about it or show my insecurty all the time because I knew that pushed people away in the past, so I tried to be strong and not demand too much from him.

 

Then when he ended it, it felt like it was proof that I suck, because even though I tried to give him his space, not nag, be supportive, etc. it STILL wasn't good enough...I still wasn't good enough. Like there is nothing I can do to be "enough." I know that's not true spiritually speaking, but I feel like I'm supposed to be this outgoing, crazy party girl when I'm more of an intellectual, mild, academia nut. I don't want to be the party girl, so I feel like I'll always be alone.

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1. I feel rejected, abandoned and not good enough for her.

 

2. I felt rejected, abandoned and not good enough for my step father, my alcoholic mother (sober 20yrs), some friends when I was a teenager and by a number of women who I fell for.

 

I've been doing this kind of thinking already. Its a good way to look at things. I go to counseling. Its a long process. The feelings I describe above ruined my last relationship and I should have never got involved. I had a 2 yr time out from women and thought I was doing good work on myself but until you're in the situation I dont think you can really feel it enough to deal with the issues.

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Me, too. It helped me immensely to realize that my big reaction to the break-up had more to do with my father cheating on my mom and abandoning us than it did with my ex's actions. Not that what the ex did was great, but I'd say in retrospect, my devastation was 20% him and 80% Dad. Once I saw that clearly, it was incredibly empowering. I never realized how many of my own behaviors have been geared toward avoiding abandonment. Now I realize what a waste of energy that's been. And how it's distanced me from people.

 

Also I lived through my worst nightmare---actually being abandoned for another woman---and I survived! It was hellish, but I'm still here and I know I'm going to be okay. What an important lesson.

 

This insight about my dad and myself has also allowed me to forgive my ex, because, in the end, there was only so much responsibility I could pin on him. That achievement was major. It's paid me back 100-fold already. (Boonpop, I made it!)

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I had a 2 yr time out from women and thought I was doing good work on myself but until you're in the situation I dont think you can really feel it enough to deal with the issues.

 

The only way to work a lot of this stuff out is through relationships. That's why they get so tricky.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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