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Saw something I shouldn't have!!!! HELP


sasha1982
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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OMG I'm soo upset right now a million things running through my mind.. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now.. we see each other all the time, things have been awesome from the start. I started sleeping over on weekends after a few months, he even gave me a key to his place.. Things have been really progressing and he wants me to move in with him in the Spring when his roomate moves out.. I've met his friends, parents, all that happy stuff to show his commitment level.

Our sex life is amazing.. we have sex ALL the time.. I'm a very sexual person, there is no reason he would need to get it elsewhere. Now this is just me being a bit paranoid right now but I was sleeping over at his place last night and he left for work early, so I let myself out today. I walked past his dresser and he has a big calendar out and I was checking the date of something and noticed a few of his bills sitting on top of the calendar. We have a toll highway in Ontario here called the 407.. I take it everyday to work, he doesn't usually take it, once in a blue moon.. So I was curious how much he had to pay since he doesn't have a transponder.. I saw that he did take it 4-5 times in July.. so noticing the dates he took it at 9pm one night and returned at 12am... and another night took it at 9:45pm and returned the next morning at 5am..!!!!

 

I'm racking my brain to find a logical answer and I can't He doesn't work that way, he doesn't have friends that way..

 

 

I'm totally thinking the worst now, like who is he seeing and coming home at 12am or 5am from??? And ofcourse yes I wasn't with him either of those nights

 

What should I do??????

It's only 4 months, let it go? Or do I really want to get serious with this person? I don't have trust issues, I've never checked his phone, I always thought of him as honorable and a good person. I'm sort of sad and disappointed to see this because I really can't think of anything logical that would make it ok ..

 

 

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Is it possible he had friends over that way? Or family? Was it during a time when you two were exclusively dating or not?

 

Basically, there are any number of reasons he could have had that activity. You have no idea what it could have been but you are telling yourself a story that he went out for a late night booty or friends with benefits call. Why don't you tell yourself a different story and then you will feel better?

 

Is your intuition telling you something? Are there other red flags?

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Definitely no family there.. and no friends there. We live in a city 30-45 min east of this area he was going to. And it was the same on-off ramp he is taking.. So he must be going to the same place. Maybe an ex-girlfriends? I know he was seeing a girl before me that lived somewhat near there.

 

We were 100% exclusive at that time. This was end of July.. we started dating in May

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Probably not a good idea to let loose your detective skills at four months into a relationship. He's had a full life before you, and if he's worth his salt, he'll continue to have one. If that means partying with some buddies and opting not to drive home when it's not wise, then it sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to me.

 

The most unsexy thing you could ever become is his mother. Don't go there.

 

In your corner.

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Well looking back to those evenings he always calls or texts me to say goodnight.. and he never mentioned going anywhere. We basically have boring lifes.. we both work, go to the gym, see our friends on weekends maybe one night and the rest of the time we are together.

I work dayshift so a few nights throughout the week I just go home and get in bed.. He always does the same (so I thought).

Not that I would care, but if he was heading out with friends he would just say goodnight babe I'm going with some buddies for a bit? Don't u think?

He's never once done that. He's very much a homebody.

 

I don't know if my intuition is telling me anything, I always thought he was secretive about his cell phone... But I never checked it once.

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Definitely no family there.. and no friends there. We live in a city 30-45 min east of this area he was going to. And it was the same on-off ramp he is taking.. So he must be going to the same place. Maybe an ex-girlfriends? I know he was seeing a girl before me that lived somewhat near there.

 

We were 100% exclusive at that time. This was end of July.. we started dating in May

 

How long after his breakup did he start seeing you? Are you certain you're not involved with a man who hasn't finished old business?

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How long after his breakup did he start seeing you? Are you certain you're not involved with a man who hasn't finished old business?

 

I'm not 100% sure, he was seeing a girl not so seriously from the beginning of the year.. not sure when it ended. We met in April.. and started dating seriously in May.

 

I know he has had alot of long-terms, so I knew he was friends with alot of his exes and that didn't bother me.

He totally could have unfinished business.. He seems secretive with his cell phone, but I've never looked at it.

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I would definitely ask him. Especially since he is also secretive with his cell phone...not good signs at all. Did you have a gut feeling something was "off" ??

 

Something similar happened to me and an ex...he was seeing another girl & "seriously dating me" he was secretive with his phone from day 1 & I found a movie ticket one day that I knew wasn't from us. I had a feeling but was ignoring it cause he was sooooo sweet to me & I saw him ALL the time.

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You said the dates were from July, and it's September now, I wouldn't freak out about it. Maybe he had some loose ends to tie up, or maybe he went somewhere over there, I've lived in the same city my whole life and I meet people who go to places I never knew existed not but 20 minutes from where I live. Like someone said he had a full functioning life before you, and I know when you get serious fast you can forget that, because it feels like you've been together for so long.

 

I wouldn't let it get to me, because he'll notice the change in your behavior and then become suspicious of you and it becomes a vicious cycle.

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Has he made a trip up there since July? I'm sort of doubtful that he's cheating on you...especially if he has given you a key to his place and you see each other so frequently. Maybe he had something to take care of but now it's done with. I'm not sure I would question him because it will be made out by him that you've been "snooping" and that is definitely not kosher for many people. Just let it go unless there's further evidence that he's making these trips.

 

Good luck!

 

PS- Being secretive about cell phones is not weird at all. Sometimes people like a little personal space and do not want their significant others to see and know EVERY little detail even if those details are harmless.

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what bothers me is that I knew nothing about him going out, instead was led to believe he was always at home going to bed (that's what he always led me to believe).. He is homebody, not very social... He goes to the gym alot, he does bodybuilding.. And on weekends most nights he hangs with friends for a bit and then waits up for me to come sleepover after I'm done with my girl friends.

What also bothers me is that by July we were quite serious... he was the one who told me he loved me and he would never hurt me and would do anything for me.. That was around the time he really started to pour on his emotions and feelings... The only intuitive feeling I had, or "off" feeling was at that time I remember thinking his feelings were a bit "deep" for only knowing me 3 months.. It seemed a bit strong... but I just let it go.. He has been consistent since, feelings seem stronger and have been growing so I feel that maybe it was "true".

I've never had a guy this emotional and he certainly seems to know the right things to say.. So who knows maybe he is just "talk".

If we weren't getting serious then I'd probably just dump him right now and walk away. But now he wants me to move in with him and we have been seeing eachother alot more and now we are totally comfortable. I've felt the progression...

 

Maybe I should wait and see if his August bill has these same trips?

Seems bad, but I could probably let it "go" if it only happened these few times in July. Yes I am assuming the worst, because if you know a person and their personality/lifestyle, etc. this IS out of character for him... He NEVER rolls in at 5am. Like I said on weekends he hangs with friends for a bit when I go out with mine and he goes to bed and waits for me to come home. He doesn't drink, he doesn't go to bars.. Only the odd time when I already have plans.

He is not this party animal or super social guy.. He's 34, very settled down, has his own house, etc.

He just has alot of ex-girlfriends.. But like I said, most were long terms or somewhat serious. He is a total relationship guy.

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[...] Being secretive about cell phones is not weird at all. Sometimes people like a little personal space and do not want their significant others to see and know EVERY little detail even if those details are harmless.

 

Yep. Sometimes what seems like 'secretive' can actually just be overtly mindful of the thing--as in being a bit worried about losing it, or watchful of the battery charge, or concerned about forgetting something stored in it. Also true, though, that some people are just naturally self-conscious about the thing, handling it as they would a diary. Doesn't really tell you much, unless he gets or makes a lot of calls that he goes off and hides from you.

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My paranoia could be partly that my ex-fiance broke up (and got back together) and that same night we broke up he went to see an ex of his and rolled back home at 5am and we got back together that morning. We did "break up" at least... but I know it's not uncommon for men to do this... alot of men want their cake and eat it too.

I never felt a reason not to trust my boyfriend, as I mentioned he always seemed to be where he says he his, msgs and calls all the time, gave me a key to his place, etc.

 

I respect his privacy for his phone as I also have a password on my blackberry so he can't go through mine either...

I never really had cheating concerns with him, my only concern with him is that he is a cop... I left an abusive relationship, I'm weary of controlling or aggressive men... But he has not shown me any of the above so I don't let it bother me unless it becomes an issue. He also does bodybuilding and is very into his looks, but I admired his healthy lifestyle of eating & weight lifting.. but I'm not sure if along with that comes needing/wanting ego boosts..

 

But like I said, I'm very much the kind of person I treat everyone with respect and give trust, unless I have a reason not to.. And so far he hasn't given me a reason not to, this would be the first weird thing I've seen aside from my feelings of him being secretive of his phone... Like sometimes he won't even leave it in the room if he goes downstairs he puts it in his pocket. But othertimes he will leave it beside the bed.

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This sort of paranoia will twist a knife into your relationship if you cannot learn to trust him. It sounds like you two spend a lot of time together. I doubt that he could carry anything on with another women and you at the same time especially given that you have a key to his place. That alone says a lot about where he stands in terms of your relationship. Perhaps he had something to take care of and it is now done...whether romantically linked or not. When you are with someone...even if you are married...you often times do not know EVERYTHING about the other person, and that includes all of their activities. That would be a miserable way to live. If it is really going to eat at you to the point where you continue to snoop and look at his bills, then maybe you need to approach him and tell him that you stumbled accross the bill for July, and wondered why he had been in that area. Don't make it sound accusing...but either way, I can tell you he will not be happy with the fact that you've been looking into things like this, and that may cause him to become more secretive...even hindering his trust with you. Be careful.

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[...]I never really had cheating concerns with him, my only concern with him is that he is a cop... I left an abusive relationship, I'm weary of controlling or aggressive men... But he has not shown me any of the above so I don't let it bother me unless it becomes an issue. He also does bodybuilding and is very into his looks, but I admired his healthy lifestyle of eating & weight lifting.. but I'm not sure if along with that comes needing/wanting ego boosts..[...]

 

You say he's a cop? Reason right there why he may not tell you if he needs to do something late at night.

 

I'd give yourself a break on this. You've got a good thing with a man who's been treating you well. We don't see enough of that around here, and I don't want to be guilty of treating a potentially wonderful thing with the same cynical brush we usually stroke on these boards.

 

EnjOy yourself, and enJoY him.

 

My best,

Cat

 

EDIT: If he's a cop, he's also likely pretty protective of his cell phone... (I'm from a family of cops, btw.)

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well, there are dozens of innocent reasons why he might have driven out there at those times. from a work related call, maybe he met up with some friends at a bar, bachelor party he didn't want to tell you about, etc.... and since you would have been dating only 2 months at that point, i might give him the benefit of the doubt. or who knows!? maybe he did go out to meet up with his exgf but all they did was talk and that's it. so, i really don't know.

 

do you have other evidence that something funny might be up?

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I wouldn't think twice about that except for the 5 a.m. return. Sounds like he had unfinished business over the bridge to me.

 

But he hasn't done that in a very long time. He must be finished with whatever he had to do. Sounds as if you have a pretty good thing going and hopefully you won't worry yourself sick over this. I know it's hard though, have been there myself many years ago. And you don't ever forget these things. But you should try your best not to dwell on it.

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maybe an undercover operation? (lol, i watch too much law and order!!!)

 

Hah! Actually, could be close. He may not be undercover, but he may have assisted something he's not able to speak about.

 

I wouldn't raise this with him, btw. You don't go through a cop's stuff or question his or her whereabouts--even innocently. If he fears that you could get nosy and stumble on something not safe for you to see, it's all over.

 

Either you trust the man, or you walk away. You can't be in between with a cop.

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I would not rush to committing to move in with him. He seems to be rushing this relationship...many people who rush relationships and rush declarations of love etc are into the superficial, not real depth. He is heavy into working out and making his body gorgeous...has lots of exes and came home late and didn't come home at all on those nights in July. Yep, could have been unfinished business with an ex, ongoing business with an ex or with someone else. I wouldn't totally discount that there was hanky panky...nor would I say that there was definitely hanky panky. I think this is something you need to keep your eyes open about and start viewing him through a more critical lens to see if there is anything else that is suspicous. Don't just discount it...your gut is saying something to you..something does seem rather off. Sure, it could be work-related..but if he was off duty at the time I would find that rather unlikely. Also, if he did cheat and that was the end of it, even if it didn't happen lately, it still happened and it would still be kept a secret...not a good basis for a relationship if an indiscretion is kept hidden. However, you can't start accusing him because you don't know if he had indeed headed to the "cheatin side of town" or if he had legitimate business there. All you can do now is be more aware, be more observant and don't move in so quickly.

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In Ontario, police officers can accept 'paid duty' assignments where event organisers, construction companies and the like can hire uniformed officers to police events etc. It could easily have been something like that.

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