I try to be assertive and then get it shoved in my face.

[chicka]

im getting rather fustrated with my boyfriend lately.

 

A tthe start of the relationship, i supose i might have been, is it passive? i'd agree with most things. If i was annoyed at what he said, or didn't like it, id either not respond or change the topic or soemthing, or say something joking/nice back.

 

Ive been told by friends i need to be more assertive. Im trying and when i dont agree with him i say so, offer my opinion more, i answer him back i supose.

 

I dont think he likes it. I feel like we are constantly fighting - and it make things worse is only over facebook messages or texts.

 

I reply back and he'll have a go at me, saying i was having a go at him etc etc.

 

I was better of just doing with the flow. be annoyed with him, but he just has no idea, causes less hassle.

 

I dont get why he's like this. is it that some guys just want to be able to control? I say how i feel and i get told to 'deal with it' or ignored or that im just whinging.

 

i dont know what to do.

[Esteller]

well first off start off by being yourself.. if your assertive already then cool.. if he doesnt know how to compremise then thats his problem it looks like you try to be equal or fair but you know as well as i that life isnt.. some guys like the idea of having control but if your not looking for that go for something else. ha your doing fine.. just be yourself remember. and if things arent working out like they should and u have tried? mabe its time for him to.

[chicka]

well first off start off by being yourself.. if your assertive already then cool.. if he doesnt know how to compremise then thats his problem it looks like you try to be equal or fair but you know as well as i that life isnt.. some guys like the idea of having control but if your not looking for that go for something else. ha your doing fine.. just be yourself remember. and if things arent working out like they should and u have tried? mabe its time for him to.

 

thanks.

 

Usually i tend to just keep my mouth shut, not always say how i feel or what i think, just 'go with it' i supose, but ive started actually saying it all now and i dont think its going to well.

 

its making me feel like shutting down and think 'stuff it' and just go back to what it was. dont say to much. agree. go with the flow.

 

my friends do think my bf is selfish....i see him when he says. he makes the plans. i try but get a no. so, its like his way or the highway

[chicka]

well i want to be happy in this relationship and it doesn't seem like it will happen if i answer him back.

 

ive always gone with the flow, dont really said what i thought in the past so its not hard for me to do that!

 

causes less drama to be honest

[alli]

It really depends on what exactly you are asserting yourself over. Discussions of personal preference, facts, opinions on current situations? So if your boyfriend says "Dark chocolate is the best ever" you now feel the need to say "Well, I think MILK chocolate is the best".

 

Tell your boyfriend what you are doing and why you are doing it; I'm sure he is confused about the change so suddenly. I'd say something like "I realized all along I haven't been myself with you because I don't really tell you what I really think of things, so I'm making more of an effort to do that.

 

Pick your battles and agree to disagree. I find that the best way to disagree with someone is to agree with part of what they are saying, then say what I want to say. As in the example above about chocolate, I would say something back to him like "Yeah, dark chocolate is at least a bit good for you. I'm not too crazy about bittersweet things though; I usually prefer milk chocolate." (I'm sure you haven't really fought about chocolate) But basically, try to argue in a way that asserts your opinion while not invalidating his. You each have a right to think whatever you want to think and when it comes to some things, you really don't have to agree at all.

 

Can you give us some examples of you trying to assert yourself & it resulted in a fight?

 

also, try not to do is on a msn or any type of messenger. It is hard to know what tone a person is trying to use and can easily be misconstrued to something offensive. Do it in person only, at least for now.

[Batya33]

It depends how you're saying it - being assertive has to be balanced with tone, timing, context. It doesn't mean being confrontational or overly critical. For example if he says something that bothers you then say "it made me feel badly when you said ___ because [reason]" rather than "don't say that - you're making me feel badly!" Own how you react and feel and you need to say it in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive. Also warn him that from now on you aregoing to be more open about how you feel.

[chicka]

na i dont really do it over small things about personal perference over chocolate! lol. Sort of more, if i dont agree if somethign will work.

 

If we are gong ot this place and he makes a suggestion and if i honestly dont think it would work i say. but also offer a suggestion and he just yells at me.

[alli]

na i dont really do it over small things about personal perference over chocolate! lol. Sort of more, if i dont agree if somethign will work.

 

If we are gong ot this place and he makes a suggestion and if i honestly dont think it would work i say. but also offer a suggestion and he just yells at me.

 

That's no good. Basically I was offering suggestions on how to "fight fair", not really knowing exactly how these arguments occurred. It sounds like you are doing it right & not in a way that would be easily interpreted as offensive. I still think you should tell him that you are trying to be more assertive because you haven't been open about your thoughts in the past. If he really can't handle you being anything more than a doormat, he is probably not somebody you should be with. In a relationship you should be able to have equal say "things" in general. If you can't do that with him, you might not want to be with him. It is important that you take some control in your life too & not let him decide absolutely everything. But first tell him what you are doing, why you are doing it & why he needs to be less combative when you do so. Maybe he just needs some time to get used to it.

[karvala]

A tthe start of the relationship, i supose i might have been, is it passive? i'd agree with most things. If i was annoyed at what he said, or didn't like it, id either not respond or change the topic or soemthing, or say something joking/nice back.

 

Ive been told by friends i need to be more assertive. Im trying and when i dont agree with him i say so, offer my opinion more, i answer him back i supose.

 

I dont think he likes it. I feel like we are constantly fighting

 

I don't wish to be the prophet of doom, but I would say that in reality, it's probably too late to do this now. Teachers, when they are trained to control a class of unruly students, are told to be harsh right from the start, and then they will be able to gradually relax over time. It can't be done the other way around. The reason is that the dynamics are formed very early on, with each side determining how they can and cannot behave towards the other. These dynamics, once established, are incredibly hard to change. After a teacher has established her authority with initial discipline, the relaxation is possible because the more lax regime will not be taken advantage of, because the teacher is already established as being in control. However, an initially lax regime establishes the students as in control, and any attempt to by the teacher to later impose discipline will fail because she is not in control, and those in control can choose to resist.

 

This applies to all relationships - work colleagues, friends and romantic partners. What you have done is start off in a lax way, and your bf has control, and does not want to give it up. He uses his control to resist your attempts to fight back, and you are left feeling powerless.

 

What to do? There is no easy answer, but I'll leave you with three quite different possibilities. One is in some sense restart the relationship. Draw a line under it, establish a strong loving connection again, and make things at least more equal from the outset. That requires the cooperation of your bf, and he may not want to do this, but this is the more palatable of the first two options. The second is to carry the fight as far as you need to until you win and break his control. That could be pretty unpleasant, and may even end in a breakup, but it will realign the dynamics of the relationship. The third is to accept that he has control and stop fighting him on it. You don't need to be more assertive unless *you* feel uncomfortable with how things were. It doesn't matter what other people tell you. Many happy couples do have a dominant partner; it's inevitable with the variety of different personalities around. Of course, if you're not happy with it yourself, and feel resentful of him, then that's a different matter.