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Shyguy Emergency


Froho

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Im visiting the parents of the girl that I've liked for 2 years and have hardly talked to. We both like eachother, but I'm helplessly nervous and just cant talk. Her father even told me I need to talk more as my family was leaving, it was embarrassing...

 

I'm also afraid that when I do get to talk to her formally, that I might just freeze up and come off as a complete weirdo. I know she likes me but I dont know how long that will last if I cant manage to talk to her like a normal person

 

I'm going to meet her family again in 2 or 3 weeks and I need to pull my act together. I have some time until then, so I need expert anti-shy help, I need to practice being confident and being a good conversationalist. Please help!

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Try not to feel like you're not okay the way you are. I used to be the same way when I was younger. I dreaded the "you need to talk more" comments. People don't understand it is difficult, like being onstage, and I had trouble thinking of things to say.

 

What people like is if you take a genuine interest in them. If you can think of any questions to ask the family members, do that, and then focus on processing/remembering their responses. It can help you focus less on your own shyness. And, you might remember a story of your own to tell that is along the same lines, and people like that too.

 

Try complimenting the food for starters. If you are nervous about being heard or getting attention before talking, clear your throat slightly and then say something like, "this meatloaf is much better than the one I made in home ec" or something like that.

 

Shy people are not unlikeable people. This girl already sees something in you and doesn't mind your shyness, so try to move past that and focus on treating her right instead.

 

Good luck man!

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Thanks for your reply,

 

I've always been a shy non-talkative guy, but only in the past few hours I've been reading a lot about shyness/self-confidence, and I'm pretty sure it has to do with like you said, me not being okay with who I am. I honestly feel that I dont really know who I am and I dont think I really like/love myself.

 

I do feel constantly inferior to everyone else and even though everyone says I'm "handsome" I honestly think I'm horribly ugly. I dont hate myself or anything, I just dont feel like I belong on this world, I feel like I lack of any personality, feelings of hopelessness. I like to be alone all the time, but at the same time I want to be wanted and share my love with someone.

 

Its easy for me to recognize that I feel this way about myself but I dont know how to "love myself" or convince myself that I'm a "great guy" or whatever. If anyone out there has had trouble being happy with themselves and liking themselves and then overcame it, please give me all the advice you can!

 

Also good tip about taking a genuine interest in others, that might actually help. I usually just sit there fidgeting and waiting for people to talk and trying to find a good time to step in, but never actually do. Altho initiating and taking interest will be hard, I think I might be able to. Thanks.

 

By the way I'm Male, 20.

 

Keep the help coming! I want to absorb all your guys wizdom, how-to-wiki's arnt working for me.

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How to like yourself- that's a hard one. You sound a lot like I did years ago, even through college; I felt ugly but now people tell me I'm hot or cute. Also I thought something was wrong with me and I didn't know how to socialize, and never would, and I just hated myself.

 

I just gradually grew out of it; it took time. My dad was really critical, my mom not really there for me, and my twin sister hated me w/ a passion. Things changed when I was able to get out of the house and away from them. I developed my own sense of humor and interests, and found friends that I fit in with, though they have to get around my initial shyness/social anxiety, which remains to a small degree. I found job success, which helped my confidence immensely. My sis even likes me now, probably because I was able to help her through some tough times.

 

Keep trying and learning about shyness and yourself. Find out what you are passionate about and develop that. Focus on goals and dreams instead of what is wrong with you in social situations. Hopefully things will come around for you and you will get to know who you are.

 

Also keep putting yourself in social situations and stepping out of your comfort zone. Yeah, you may embarrass yourself or be awkward, but you'll get better. Pretty sure plenty of people thought I was retarded. They don't anymore.

 

Anyone else have some advice for this guy?

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One more thing; I think somewhere there are books about conversation starters. Something I notice most people do when they meet you is ask where you are from, where you went to school, and where you live now, and then they try to pinpoint the location- like "is that right next to the Burger King on 5th?" or something like that. I hate those questions, cause I never know where anything is. But they get the ball rolling, and I know there have got to be tons of those lines that are designed to throw the attention from the asker to the answerer, and make the answerer feel interesting (and interrogated). Kind of puts the asker in a power position right away. Maybe you can find something on the internet, and you can learn to be the asker.

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Man I hope I can grow out of it. I always thought, maybe if I moved out and lived on my own I would force myself to survive on my own and gain confidence in myself that way. But that really isnt possible for me at this point in time, maybe in 2 years when I have a degree. I wish there was some kind of alternative method

 

I will continue to learn about shyness and learning how to love myself. About pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I honestly wish I could, but everytime the opportunity comes up, I just over think too much and never do anything, and then the opportunity passes and I totally regret it. Story of my life. I cant help it...

 

I just googled conversation starters right now, I'm going to go read up on it, thanks for that tip.

 

Thanks again for your help, and any more tips and ideas from anyone would be appreciated. If anyone knows of methods that work, even if its silly, please tell me, I WILL try it.

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You know she likes you. I bet you being shy is part of why she likes you. Think of her, she might be shy towards you too. I don't know you didn't give much details. But when I think maybe a girl likes me, and she is shy to me, it makes me more confident for whatever reason. She isn't some evil overbeing. girls feel the exact same way as you do sometimes, I think its good to know that. It certainly helps me I think.

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If she likes you she'll understand as another poster said ,if you feel like you're too quiet just ask her lots of questions people love going on abt themselves.

 

Whenever we meet someone we really really like most of us become shy and worried abt impressing them but I think IF you are compatiable you should feel comfortable in her presence.If you don't maybe she's not right for you.

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I think one of the best ways for people to overcome shyness is to join groups where you will have to interact with others. Some ideas include: joining a theater or acting class, joining an improv class, join a public speaking group like Toastmasters- many people join Toastmasters for the specific purpose of overcoming shyness- its a very structured group with lots of friendly people who are understanding about social anxiety, doing volunteer work where you have to interact with others.

 

The key is that being shy and insecure around others is a habit/pattern that reinforces itself overtime- a person feels anxious around others, so they avoid others, which makes them feel more isolated, which leads to further withdrawal, etc.

 

Taking active steps to overcome this is really the only way to go. You can't think yourself out of social anxiety - you really have to take action. The types of groups I mentioned above are good because they are structured and so you don't really have to learn how to make small talk- you can just participate in the activities and you will gradually realize that its less and less scary to be more open around others.

 

Its not going to happen overnight, but if you commit to the process, you will be amazed at how much you are capable of changing from a shy/insecure person to a more socially confident one. Even if you are more introverted by nature, your life will be much happier if you learn how to interact comfortably with others.

 

Good luck!

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