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Hi,

 

Life has been a set of un-understandable nightmares. First my dad emotionally abuses the life out of me when i was young. Like Joan Crawford, u know, no more wire hangers. It was hell trying to live a normal life then. I totally retreated into my shell as a teen and unfortunately, my shell had my dad in it.

 

College was another mess. I was so out of touch with reality i couldn't see i was failing and I did. I was top ranker in school.

 

I have always had social phobia and avoidant personality disorder. So my social life was pretty much dead. Sometimes, going out terrified me.

 

Next, I found and lost the love of my life after 4 years. She had become very emotionally abusive by the end...but i just couldn't see it. I thought it was just anger. Anyways she left but she also made sure she screwed my life over by doing and saying the most brutal things which totally devastated me. Another nightmare in a long list..can't mention them all.

 

Now, I'm alone, no security about anything...My past has been hell and I really cant see any future. I don't think I've ever been happy in the last couple of years. This is not depression. This is beyond depression.

 

The way normal people feel about having someone or something which gives meaning to their lives...i really don't have any of that...an empty life. Just venting...I don't know if there is any solution to all of this. I'm worried i'm going to go completely mental someday.

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I had a horrific childhood with an alcoholic father. I made sure that while he shaped my childhood, he has had NO SAY in my adult life and what I do. He died when I was twelve, but not before he had done his damage. I made the decision at 16 that he would have no influence whatsoever on the rest of my life, and he hasn't. I became a very social, fun person who has had a very fun, adventurous, life. You have to make the choice: Who owns your life, you or him?

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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