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Sorry isn't cutting it


Khloe

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My bf and I have a pretty good relationship with open communication and respect towards one another when dealing with conflict that may arise. We deal with the normal things that can come up when a couple moves in together for the first time and have never resorted to name calling, bullying, or finger pointing. Recently some things have come up that are driving me crazy. I'm not one to get jealous or overreact but my bf thinks I'm overreacting. I strongly disagree. What do you think?

 

On Thursday I asked him to delete profiles from websites he had been on prior to our relationship. It should have been done months ago when the issue first came up and I've let it go because I'm not going to lie. I totally checked to see if he'd logged on while we were together. He hasn't at all. Even though he hasn't been on them and I trust him, I still don't think its right for him to have a profile when he's in a committed relationship.

 

Then Friday something else came up that really lit my fire so he's feeling defensive and under attack.

 

In May I offered to watch our friends' kids for an hour (they left at 9:30) so they and my bf could attend a bday party at a club. 1am later they did not return and we had a row because I was told they were going to be an hour and then we were all going to hang out together. My bf's wife came home at 1am asking where the boys were! They were supposed to be at the birthday party with her! Well I was pretty upset because the two boys went to play pool at a local pub so Todd could get away from *Lynn. They figured I am always so easy going that I'd get upset but get over it quickly. I was mad as a hornet!

 

 

The next day there were photos posted on a social networking site of my bf sitting at a table with an attractive woman at the birthday party while our other friends were nowhere near. He told me she had a bf and they went to school together but he hardly knows her. I trusted his word and let it go but found it odd that for a girl in a relationship she didn't have an escort and was sitting at a table with him.

 

Not long after he was on his Facebook profile and we were playing games. Then we were having fun rating his friends until the girl came up and he selected that she was attractive. He saw I wasn't too happy and just shut it down.

 

A month later we were at a friends' house when she was walking by with a guy. She came up to say hello and greeted everybody but me. She not only totally ignored my presence but gave me a dirty look. I didn't like the way she smiled at him or looked at him and told my bf what I observed and what I thought about it. He didn't notice and said it was strange because he hardly knows her.

 

Fast forward to last night and he was adding a girl to his MSN messenger.He said that he should add her and I asked him why. He said that I'd probably get upset but added her anyways. He said she added him and he only accepted but I watched him send the invitation. I am computer literate and wasn't born yesterday. He also told me she added him on facebook and he didn't know how she got his e-mail. He also told me the girl he was adding was somebody he hardly knows but they went to school together and I have nothing to worry about. I communicated that I was uncomfortable with him making friends with other women outside of our relationship like that and that many cheaters end up engaging in infidelity by initiating and accepting such communication. We ended the conversation but I had an uneasy feeling. He was dishonest about which of them added the other, which I believe was nothing more than an attempt to avoid conflict. If he wasn't doing anything wrong then he would have no reason to be ambiguous.

 

I logged onto the computer the next day after he promised to delete her and his MSN automatically signs on. There she is on his MSN messenger after he said he'd delete her. I didn't want to snoop through his stuff so I logged his MSN off and went to the social networking site we are on (I logged onto my own profile) to find that she is NOT a friend of his on there anymore. She is not a friend of any of his friends either. I looked through the history of adds and recognized a pattern. All the people that he sent adds were not on the history but all the people that sent him adds were (even if they weren't still friends the feeds were still there). She was not on the history which suggests to me that he added her and not the other way as he would like me to believe. He now insists that he just doesn't remember if it was her or him that sent the friend request. WEAK!

 

I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach and looked at the pics I had seen from the party we got into a fight over in May and guess who that girl was???? Yup! You guessed it. Its all the same girl!

 

I don't believe that he's cheating or looking to cheat. I believe that he's acted without thinking and getting upset for getting called out. He thinks I'm paranoid for no reason and that he has done nothing wrong. I think he is lying about who added who to avoid an argument. He admitted the first night that if it were the other way around he'd be upset but thinks I should trust him and let it go. He said that my getting upset and reacting when he's innocent is paranoid. However, I am bothered by the fact that he hasn't pursued contact with other men or women its just this one same girl.

 

I have had complete trust in him but this situation has me concerned. I am so livid I can't even think straight. I messaged him yesterday telling him not to come home after work because I was so upset. I didn't know what to think or believe. I don't believe he's looking to cheat but his dishonesty and breach of trust is very upsetting. He came home and we talked about it and I thought that we had this all sorted out.

 

Today I turn on the computer and of course his MSN pops up. SHE WAS STILL ON HIS FRIENDS LIST! I thought we talked about it and he was serious about deleting her. He was so serious when we talked about being contrite.

 

This all tells me that he's not into this commitment as seriously as I am. It also makes me believe that even if he believes the girl was married and it was innocent, there is something wrong when he's pursuing contact with a girl he hardly knows.

 

Am I overreacting? Its not like I don't think he should have female friends I just don't think he should be trying to make them when we're living together and have committed to each other.

 

He deleted her and blocked her but that was after the third time it has been brought up. My heart just isn't accepting his apologies because he's been apologizing for three days, telling me what he thinks I want to hear, and he should have deleted her three days ago!

 

He physically hasn't cheated but I feel betrayed and don't know what to think or feel. I don't even want to look at him.

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Yes, I do believe you are overreacting and like your boyfriend says, a little paranoid. You say you have "complete trust" in him, but I disagree. You have resorted to snooping and checking up on him. None of this shows "complete trust" at all.

 

It seems you want him to yourself exclusively and you don't want him to have any female interactions of any kind, whatsoever. This is VERY unreasonable (imo), and will never work. You are restricting him and soon it will be smothering. End result? You'll lose him - permanently.

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Why is he farting around with a woman, who according to him he hardly knows and doesn't care for by adding her to facebook, msn, and where ever else. This in my opinion is unacceptable behavior especially since it's making you uncomfortable. Now I can understand if this was someone dear to him, like a close friend, then I can see him wanting to maintain contact with her, even if it upset you, but for someone who he apparently doesnt care about at all he should just ditch her. It really is not fair to you. At the same time, be sure that you dont pull this on him about each and every single girl he has contact with because then it would be asking for too much. He should be able to have female friends as long as he doesnt neglect you but if this particular one is making you uneasy he should drop her like a hot rock, especially since he said himself he doesnt know her.

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I think you have behaved accordingly..and I admire that you have stood by your standards..making a strong stand over something in the first instance sets a standard that you both need to adhere to..I would fail to see how or why he needs to have this girl as a friend. has he shared information about her with you afterall it looks like he spent half the evening chatting with her back in May. Even though from his side he may view it all as harmless, and it truly may have been, and not mean much at all I dont buy it completely.. he has lied to you several times about this already .he has also not stood by his word to delete her which showed lack of respect to you..he is now doing what liars do they TELL YOU what you think you want to hear..that tells me his apologies are clearly insincere. he has also tried to shift blame on to you calling you paranoid...i think you are perceptive and intelligent..so from here you need to come to some agreement between you and compromise...having sadi that i would also tread a little carefully....he has put a dent in your trust for him... IT is up to him to earn it back..see if he does...dont make threats..it never works..state your expectations/ standards calmly and civilly and at no time let him think you have over reacted...you havent...he needs to step up here, make it a "we" problem...allow him this opportunity and see if he does...dont give ultimatums, he will feel controlled and resentful... make joint decisions about your online activities and what is and isnt appropriate....do not feel guilty or paranoid..and keep sticking by your standards always..

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DN and Capricorn3. I must respectfully disagree. Did you not read my thread? It is not every girl that has me upset. It is that its all the SAME girl.

 

I have not snooped through his things other than checking out those sex site profiles because of what I found on MY PDA. These things have only come to my attention due to his carelessness as I have not actively sought out what I have found.

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Thank you Loulee.

 

I have been so tempted to give an ultimatum tonight but I don't want to exacerbate the situation or say anything I'll regret. I have gone into another room so that I could be alone, as I really don't have any pleasant or articulate words at the moment.

 

The thing that hurts the most is that I have always been easy going. When he goes out I never interrogate him with the who/what/where/why/how/when. As long as there's no drinking and driving I know he will always be coming home to me. I've never cared about the other female friends he has on his social networks or if he hangs out with other females when we go to parties. In January there was a girl throwing herself at him in front of me and I didn't even bat an eye. We still laugh about it and I was actually partly to blame because I even encouraged her to ask him to play pool. I had already told her he was my boyfriend but she made a play for him anyways and I was amused by her shameless advances while he totally looked at me bewildered by her. LOL! It was free entertainment for us that evening.

 

I think the very fact that I've never been concerned about other women or actively sought to invade his privacy without reason is part of what is upsetting me the most.

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I have been so tempted to give an ultimatum tonight but I don't want to exacerbate the situation or say anything I'll regret. I have gone into another room so that I could be alone, as I really don't have any pleasant or articulate words at the moment.

remember whats done is done tomorrow is a new day...

Dont get caught up with wanting him to apologise in the same way as you would..this rarely happens..men like to bury there misdoings more so than women we like to talk them out to the death..Try a different approach..Now that you have vented to him tell him that you are very upset but that you will give him the benefit of the doubt..let him know how DISAPPOINTED you were in the way he handled this and also how you WOULD LIKE him to handle situations/ conflict WITH you in the future. Then perhaps have a nice dinner and put it behind you..your anger will settle..You have shown your cards..he did not react/ behave in the way you expected and sometimes in the future he may not either ..thats okay as long as you have trust, commitment and communication.. let him know he has jeapordised your trust and that this is singularly the hardest thing for you to deal with...ASK HIM if it will happen again and believe in his answer...then get on with it and dont go over it again..you can make tonight a good night if you do it right...and you will both feel better for it...just dont take responsibility at any time..

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Capricorn3: Thank you.

 

I would feel like a snoop if I was looking for things but I haven't. I told him when I looked at those profiles to see if he'd been on them. I looked when they showed up on my PDA and never gave it a second thought until he left his e-mail up and I saw messages from those sites. I didn't open them. I closed his e-mail and looked at his social networks from my account because of the inconsistencies of his story after his MSN messenger popped up. I didn't have to scroll down or search to see that girl was still on there after he promised to delete her. His e-mail and MSN was open in front of me. To be honest I wish I'd never seen it. I know its better I know the truth but that's no consolation.

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Loulee: I didn't say much tonight at all. I asked him why that girl was still on his MSN after he promised to delete it. He said he was sorry and I responded by saying, " You have apologized for the same thing three times and I don't think its good enough this time".

 

That was the last thing said because I don't know what to say. There's just no sincerity in an apology that I accepted twice before for the same thing.

 

I haven't been constantly ragging on him for the last 72 hours. As things have come up, we've talked it out and I've dropped it and accepted his apology.

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I haven't been constantly ragging on him for the last 72 hours.

I think perhaps it's time to back off now so that both of you can cool off. Constantly ragging on someone (for 72 hours) is bound to cause a LOT of drama and really push one to their limits (on both sides), to the extent of packing your (or his) bags and heading for the hills.

 

Leave it be for now. He knows your feelings on the matter now. The ball is in his court.

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I stated that I have NOT been ragging on him for the last 72 hours.

 

When I came home on Thursday he was not home. I was expecting an important e-mail and went straight to the computer. His inbox came up and to my disbelief there were messages from the sex sites he had profiles with. I didn't open them. I just saw the sender and the subject lines said something like "See what's new..." I don't know for sure that they weren't from women but I'm very confident that they were not. I logged off and created a fake profile on one of the sites so I could see his. His last log in precedes our involvement. I closed it and brought it up later that night that he had left his e-mail up. He was embarrassed and deleted the profiles and we spent the rest of the evening cuddling and happy.

 

Friday was when he added the girl to MSN. I told him that I didn't think it was appropriate and he said he would delete her. We went out that night and had a wonderful time together.

 

Saturday is when I turned the Computer on and his MSN auto logged. I saw the girl on his MSN and something in my head just clicked. I started putting the pieces together: The girl from the party photos from May, the girl that was walking by our friends', the girl he selected as attractive on Facebook, and the girl he added to MSN were all the same person.

 

I explained to him how I felt, why I felt that way, and I thought it was resolved. We enjoyed the rest of the day and we had a good date day today (Sunday) and it was not brought up. I was over it. Until this evening I turned on the computer and his MSN auto logged on and I saw she was still on his friends list after he'd promised to delete her.

 

At this point I feel like I should say something but I've already told him why I think its wrong and why I feel the way I do. We've already discussed boundaries, respect, trust, and where our committment stands. I don't know what else to say. I have been very deliberate in not nagging on him because I know it will minimize how he perceives my judgment in this all.

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He physically hasn't cheated but I feel betrayed and don't know what to think or feel. I don't even want to look at him.

 

Betrayed by what? That he has a new female friend? Did he ever voluntarily agree not to make new female friends?

 

I understand that at the moment you are feeling very tense with the whole situation, but honestly, if you read your post again in the cold of light of day in a month or so, you will see that you come accross as frankly rather controlling, ordering him to delete people and block people, making sure he's contrite, saying that he shouldn't be making new female friends, checking out his former dating profiles to see if he's been using them, checking his Facebook history and photos, not liking the way this woman looks at him, etc.. Is this really the person you want to be?

 

I'm all for committed couples acting like committed couples, and not putting the opportunity for infidelity squarely in front of you, but there must be limits, and essentially forbidding your partner any contact with any new female that you regard with suspicion is some way over the line in my view. If you're worried about infidelity (and if you're not then I don't at all see the point of your behaviour), then this is actually more likely to drive him to it than relaxing a bit.

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I would have to agree with you if it wasn't a breach of an agreement we had already made. We discussed boundaries when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex prior to moving in together. I have not forbidden contact with just any new female but we have agreed mutually that it is inappropriate to actively seek out relationships with the opposite sex without an appropriate connection ie: coworkers, friends that preclude our relationship, friends of the family, socializing in group settings, etc... This girl does not fall under ANY of these categories. Up until the party in May they had only known "of" each other. They went to the same school but it was a large one and they never knew each other.

 

In fact, the party he went to in May was held for a female that he hardly knows. The only reason I was upset that evening is because they changed venues and broke their promise of being back after making a cameo because his friend wanted to ditch his wife and they never told me. I felt taken advantage of as a free babysitter when we had plans together.

 

I did not demand that he delete her from his MSN. He offered to but didn't actually do it. In fact, he stated that he shouldn't send the add when he was sending it.

 

Those profiles were not for dating sites. They were specifically for soliciting sexual encounters. I did not ask him initially to delete them. He offered to. The reason I was upset Thursday evening was because he did not delete them as promised.

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Not sure what's wrong with me today, but I keep getting it wrong, lol. My reading/comprehension skills are below par today. I think it's best I withdraw.

 

LOL! Don't withdraw. You might not get it on the first read but you could probably offer better insight than what I have right now.

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Yes, I did read your thread. Not only did you post about this girl but about profiles on a website that he no longer uses.

 

I forgot to mention the nature of the profiles. He was not going on dating sites. He was soliciting discreet sexual encounters. I found out because he was using my PDA to check his e-mails and didn't log off. I received an alert that I had a new e-mail message later on and at first didn't even realize it was his e-mail message. I checked what I thought was my own message to discover a message from a sexual encounters site where he was very deliberately seeking sex. I didn't go looking for it and he offered to delete it. We haven't discussed it again until Thursday when his e-mail was up and I saw he had messages from that and MANY other sites. I checked to see if he'd been on them because he didn't follow through on his promise and I was rightfully concerned he would keep such a profile after offering to delete it.

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Yet another terrifying paranoid control case. It's so hard to be positive about relationships at all.

 

You realize that by snooping with absolutely no motive or bad behavior from your bf, you broke trust. You did. Not him.

 

If you're honestly so possessive and paranoid, you do not trust this man. Frankly, to me, you don't sound mature enough to be in a relationship, but that's just me.

 

I think you clearly need to work on your own issues of seeing people as individuals and respecting them for treating you properly. People aren't property, Khloe.

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Yet another terrifying paranoid control case. It's so hard to be positive about relationships at all.

 

You realize that by snooping with absolutely no motive or bad behavior from your bf, you broke trust. You did. Not him.

 

If you're honestly so possessive and paranoid, you do not trust this man. Frankly, to me, you don't sound mature enough to be in a relationship, but that's just me.

 

I think you clearly need to work on your own issues of seeing people as individuals and respecting them for treating you properly. People aren't property, Khloe.

 

I guess I'm having a really hard time understanding how checking a message on my PDA when I didn't even know he was using it is snooping through his things??? Could somebody please enlighten me? I'm not quite getting it.

 

I think controlling would be demanding him to cease contact or delete his profiles. I have only brought it up after he offered to do so and didn't actually do it. For questions as to how I discovered this information please refer to my previous posts on this thread so there is no confusion or suggestion that I went snooping around. I haven't.

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I think you have every right to be upset with him. I know relationship are all different, some are more relaxed than others, but I don't think you are alone in not being ok with your boyfriend interacting online with a girl who is a new acquaintance.

 

Call me paranoid, but I'm sorry to me his behavior seems very strange. First there the party thing, her ignoring you, all this business with facebook and msn. You've discussed how you feel about communication and boundaries while in a relationship, and he is blatantly ignoring and breaking them right in front of you. Is it possible that he did not agree with your conception of boundaries in the first place and is now 'rebelling'?

 

He has female friends and I've never been bothered by that. I have male friends and it has never been an issue before. I've never been accused of being controlling or hypersensitive over this issue because I'm usually very relaxed when it comes to these things. If anything, I now fear have been too trusting when I should have been more cautious.

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We discussed boundaries when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex prior to moving in together. I have not forbidden contact with just any new female but we have agreed mutually that it is inappropriate to actively seek out relationships with the opposite sex without an appropriate connection ie: coworkers, friends that preclude our relationship, friends of the family, socializing in group settings, etc... This girl does not fall under ANY of these categories.

 

 

 

I agree that I would find a breach of agreed upon boundaries troubling too. How is the relationship outside of this issue?

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Things have been great besides these issues. This is the only conflict we've really encountered that we've had trouble with.

 

Neither of us have had issues with jealousy or trust prior to the current circumstances. I thought things were good between us and his communications with other women were never a concern until this all came up recently.

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