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AngryHeart

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(Sorry it's a bit long, but some replies would be great!) So, we had only been together 6 weeks, so it's hardly some drastic change to get used to or whatever - but it does hurt and I guess I'm a bit confused also.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday evenin. We had been arguing a bit the last week. Here was the basics of our arguing:

 

- Last saturday we went out to the movies, then to his dads to stay (his dad would always let us stay at his place on weekends) My boyfriend seemed real quiet and a bit moody, so I asked him what's wrong and he said nothing. Even his dad thought something was up. They ended up having a little argument because he said he didn't like his attitude lately. I jokingly said "I don't think you would tell me if something was wrong" he said he would. We went to bed and he straight away wanted the light out to sleep. I was like "aww can't we talk?" So he asked what about - it was basicaly like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him. We were arguing, I got upset and wanted to talk things through - he said he was angry and wanted to sleep. So, we argued about that too. I then asked him if we can just have a cuddle, wanting to forget things, but he said he didn't feel like it and went to sleep. He ended up admitting he was moody because he had had an argument with his mum that day.

 

- The next day he announced that he had to go to his mums house to tidy his room, because his mum said if he didn't she'd burn everything. His dad was like "You should take (me) with you" but he said that he felt embarassed by his room. His dad admitted it was an absolute mess. I just didn't say anything. When he was leaving, I was half asleep on the sofa so he just said he'd be back ASAP and gave me a kiss. 4 hours later he calls me telling me he'll be back in an hour! He said he was sorting some things for Uni on the internet. When he came back, I said that wasn't really cool leaving me for 5 hours. He was like "You're capable of looking after yourself, or you could have got the bus back" But I thought we were spending the day together. And the thing is I don't live waking distance from him, so have to rely on buses or lifts. I asked how he'd feel if I left him at mine for 5 hours alone - he said it'd depends why I done it.

 

- That night we went to see his friends and had a good night. On the way back I was feeling a bit anxious (I suffer from Anxiety disorder and had ran out of pils) I started asking him what would happen when he goes back to Uni, when we could see each other. He was getting frustrated with me needing to know all the answers. I told him I was just feeling sick with anxiety because of no pills, and just needed some comfort and to be told it'll be OK. He was just blatantly annoyed and sighed. When we got back I just wanted to forget about it, so I was being real nice to him, tickling his back and cuddling him until he fell asleep.

 

Everything was fine then. But then on thursday night we met up for a drink. He was falling asleep on me - he's been working a lot this summer, so I know he was tired, but we were in a pub. So I nicely, while laughing said "Come on babe, sit up" He was like "I should have been in bed an hour ago, I'm going to have to go soon" I was like "Oh right" We hadn't seen each other since sunday so I was a bit hurt. Then I asked him if we;d be meeting up on saturday as usual, so he said "I think I'm going to be seeing my friends" We always usually see each other on saturdays. So I said "That's usually when we go to the cinema together" and he was like "But I haven't seen my friend in ages" We went outside, and I told him I was hurt that he made it on a day we always meet up, and didn't even tell me until I asked" He was annoyed again. I said it feels like It's a chore to see me - that's how I feel he made it out to be. He kept raising his voice and saying he doesn't want to argue - I told him I was trying to talk to him. He said we won't get anywhere tonight and hugged me saying he'd call me the next day, and we'll meet and talk properly.

 

- So after all that he was seeing his friends during the day, not evening. He reckons he wasn't sure when it was going to be, he just knew it'd be saturday. He said he'd see me sunday. I was like, "But can't you see me after your friends in the evening? We really need to talk" so he said OK. We met and I was trying to be really nice and calm. He was being as well. He said he thinks the main problem is that I have problems with trust, and he has problems with expressing his feelings. I said I that I was already working on it, but I'd be willing to try even harder. I asked if he'd be willing to try and be more expressive with feelings. He said he could try, but he isn't sure if he'll be able to. He said he doesn't know if it'll work because it might be worse when he goes to Uni (we;d have seen each other weekends we said.)

 

I said relationships take a bit of work and comprimise, and that I think it'd be stupd to give up without trying. But he just kept saying he don't know if it'll work, and we don't have time because it needs to be sorted before he goes away. I asked if he wanted to split up. He said he didn't, but we might have to if we can't find a solution, and he'd rather do that now and be friends then have some messy break-up down the road. He said he needs to think about it, but I said "We're talking about it now though" he said he didn't want to make a rash desicion he;d regret. But then he was like "I don't think it's going to work" and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I want to stay in contact, and if you ever need anything phone me" I said I don't know if I wanted to be his friend, which he looked hurt by! I was crying and he touched my hand and again said "I'm sorry - I'm not happy with this choice, not happy at all" I was like "Please, just leave" so he did.

 

How is that not rash? He was saying one minute he wanted to work on it, that he didn't want to split up. Then ... he did. He wasn't even willing to work on it. I know I have my issues, but I wanted to try. It just felt like I was a chore to him at the end. We spoke on the phone for about 5 minutes a night, but I never got any little texts saying I'm thinking about you or anything like that. He was always really sleepy since his job (which I understand, he was working a lot of hours) and falling asleep on me. He is a good guy, but I felt like he didn't like me as much as I liked him. He was great at the kissing, cuddling, holding hands (he wasn't in it for sex, because we didn't get the chances there, because his dad would be in the next room, or one time we tried, but he was too tired and "it" didn't "happen" We fooled around a handful of times, but didn't go the full way) things like that - but, that was about all I felt I got really. But, meh...was he not that into me, or was it me??

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It sounds as though this guy found the relationship to be suffocating. It sounds like you were more invested than he was, and it became too much work for him, and the guy was exhausted.

 

It might help to broaden your own interests and hobbies and friendships so you can treat early relationships more casually. Give the guy room to breathe without needing to explain himself all the time. Too much negotiation is high maintenance. If you become more absorbed by your own interests outside the relationship, it will naturally become less work for both of you. You won't find yourself so focused on the relationship that you keep taking its temperature so often, you won't ask a BF to cater to your anxieties (they aren't therapists), a bad mood can just be a bad mood without needing to analyze it--and you can let the small stuff go without picking it into an argument.

 

In your corner.

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Maybe I should say sorry. I'm really missing him and hurting right now. And it's almost 3 AM. I always mess up!! ARGH. I thought I was OK about this, but I logged into a dating site, read some emails from guys, and here I am crying because I feel lonely and bad about him. He was sweet, I just don't know if he was that into me, or I was just being my usual stupid self. He said he didn't want to break up, and kept saying sorry. Bt then he did break up! I want to talk to him.

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Maybe I should say sorry. I'm really missing him and hurting right now. And it's almost 3 AM. I always mess up!! ARGH. I thought I was OK about this, but I logged into a dating site, read some emails from guys, and here I am crying because I feel lonely and bad about him. He was sweet, I just don't know if he was that into me, or I was just being my usual stupid self. He said he didn't want to break up, and kept saying sorry. Bt then he did break up! I want to talk to him.

 

I can appreciate this, but he might be more receptive to your conversation if you back off for a while. Let him catch his breath. Let him relax, or no matter what you try to convey it will still feel like more negotiation and work for him. In other words, let him off the hook--and allow him to feel that way.

 

Meanwhile, treat yourself kindly instead of beating yourself up. Not everybody is meant to fall in love with everyone else--how would you ever know that you're with the right person unless he's special enough to view you as special, too?

 

Take baby steps in your healing. This wasn't a failure, it was progress toward learning how to relate well with the right person when you meet him.

 

In your corner.

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I dont think a lot of guys really enjoy talking out relationship issues, especially when it's the girl who's the only one bothered by whatever issue it is. From what you've written he seems terribly uncomfortable with the pressure you're unintentionally putting on him. I know its hard when one suffers from anxiety, but like another poster said, he's not there to be a therapist. Having a great need for reassurance due to an anxiety condition makes it a challenge to maintain a good relationship, unless with that rare person who doesn't feel burdened by it, and they do exist. Some people thrive on having someone to 'take care of'', but your guy doesn't sound like on of those. It seems like he just wants a simple uncomplicated relationship. I feel things would only get worse if you continued with him, especially with him going away to uni. Maybe chalk this one up to experience, and make it a project to work on your personal growth, find other interests, and become more independent. Then your next relationship should go much better.

All the best

Offplanet

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Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

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