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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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I am currently in a situation where I am trying to get back together with my ex. We broke up nearly a year ago now after nearly five years - the last two were long distance (the LD was what helped break it down). I broke up with her and went NC for about six months. During that time I realized that she was very important to me and that I would like her back in my life. At the time I was concerned about career and also I was starting to think that I should date someone else, someone who I thought was a little more adventurous.

 

We started talking in March, but at that time she had tried dating someone else. They weren't together when we started talking, however it was soon after we began talking and I had no idea.

 

I told her what my feelings were - how I realized I made some mistakes with her - and that I spent alot of time thinking about what was important to me - and that I could do a better job this time around because I realize the value that we had in our relationship.

 

After a month or so talking - it ended up not working out. She said that she didn't feel the same way that she did in the past - and although she recognizes the change in me - she is not ready to move forward.

 

About three weeks ago she contacts me to tell me that she is coming to town with a friend. They live about 4 hours away from me, and she told me that she was getting a hotel really close to me. We ended up hanging out a couple of times - and everything seemed great. It was like we were on the verge of something good again. Now - to be honest with you, I was nearly over her before she told me she was coming - and in fact, when I went to hang out with her - I thought I would go as a friend and that it wouldn't affect me.

 

So I tell her that I want to try it again before she leaves town - she says she'll think about it - and I am thinking it's 50/50.

 

This week we have a discussion and she says that she is not ready to get back together and it's back to the same old story. I ask her to give me a second chance - and she says no - because even though she still has feelings for me, she doesn't think it'll work.

 

I ask her to treat me like someone new - and to let me take her out on a date. I'd have to drive four hours to get there - and I'd stay with her for the weekend, but I get one date.

 

So she says that she'll go on a date.

 

Should I give up. Is it even worth me doing this? On the one hand it's an opportunity to show her what it could be like - and for me to see for myself. However, does this sound like someone who is playing hard to get, someone who is protecting their self, or someone who is just plain not interested. Maybe she is confused because it was such a long relationship and we'd still have a hard road ahead even if things were good (LD).

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Good Morning. I would not go on that date as she doesn't seem to be really interested in my opinion. To me, since you've made your intentions clear to her, she should be able to reciprocate and unfortunately, she is not reciprocating. She said she doesn't think it will work, that means "she knows" it won't work. Take her word for it at this time and let her do her thing. She knows your feeling and you know hers. You want to work on it and she doesn't. That means you two are at an opposing end. Seriously take her word for it and don't read anything else into it. That the only honest true advice that I have, but you must do what you want and what you feel and know will be best for you. Cheers

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The thing is that she might have very well gotten over you. My boy friend and me broke up 2 weeks ago. He chose to end it because of his lifestyle. He felt like he could not commit to me even though there was no pressure and from my side.. never gave him drama. Im hurt right now... really hurt. And Im hoping that in six months I can be really over him too. But you know what??? I wish he would contact me soon. I wish that he would tell me what you are telling your ex girl friend because I want to be with him. I wanted this relationship to work. I wanted to work through the hard stuff... because all relationships will have some difficulty. The difference is... if both people are willing to work together. I believe if two people wanted to, they would move mountains for the other.

 

So here is my advice. What do you have to lose? Don't worry about what she might be thinking or feeling. There is no way to know for sure. Only she does. You might have a pretty good idea that she is not willing to get back together because she no longer has feelings for you. But go on the date. Go with the thought that you are there with your BEST FRIEND. And when you talk with her... try to keep it low pressure. Just tell her that over the last couple of times that you two have talked, that you have mentioned that you wanted to get back together even after all this time... but that you realized that she was very special to you and that you did not want to lose that. That you felt that you made a mistake when leaving her, and that the only good that did was to give you both breathing room and make you realize that you love her. That you want to try and make it work... (even though the long distance thing might get in the way - honestly---think about that...). But if she has to think about it... or if she just wants to stay friends then that's OK too... because you don't want to lose her friendship first off..

 

Then leave it to her to make up her mind. Even if she can't tell you right away. Don't push. Go ahead and put yourself out there. You might get disappointed, but you have come this far already. Think about what would you be willing to do to be closer to her if you did get back together also. Long distance is rarely a thing that works.

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So you broke it off with her? Could you give more details as to why? You said something about dating someone more adventurous. What happened with that?

 

Also, I'd like to know how your feelings progressed over the time that you and her were apart. Did you feel relieved at first? Did you think about her often?

 

I know I'm asking a lot of questions but I want to know because I'm on the other side of the coin here. My ex and I have been off/on for 6.5 years. This time we dated for 2.5 and lived together for the last year. He wanted to end it because his life and the relationship were getting too stressful and he said that we handled things so differently that he thinks he might fit better with someone else.

 

I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions these last few months. I am getting better, but I still have anxiety every morning and there are triggers that can make me cry in an instant. I've started dating around and while I still wish that we could be together again, I am discovering a different part of myself and realizing that there is much more to the world than him. Maybe this is what your ex is experiencing?

 

I think you should give her more time and try to be understanding. She is probably scared s***less that you are going to hurt her again because I know if my ex came back I'd want to be with him... but what is to stop him from running away a fourth time?

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When is the LD due to end? If neither of you have plans in the reasonably near future to move closer to the other, then you're only working extra hard to set up the same situation that blew you out of the water before.

 

However, if this is about school or a project ending withing a year or so, then I'd consider dating her and ending each date with a big surprise--you DON'T pressure her to return to a committed relationship.

 

Nothing to lose really, except her anticipation of your manipulation--which is likely the big barrier between you, if you think about it. Remove that, quit trying to control where she stands and what she's willing to call this. If you're a meant-to-be couple, it will all fall into place, eventually. If not, then one of you will make that apparent enough in time. Patience.

 

In your corner.

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I understand what you mean about LD, it accentuates all the issues, makes arguments x100 worse. When you can't see and hear and feel the other person you don't feel the same emotions and have the same thoughts you would do if you were together and things don't work out right.

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To kinda adrress as many posts as possible... Also thanks for commenting it's a hard situation for me. It helps. I broke up with her because I started to develop interest in another girl. I never acted on this but, after awhile I started to explain that I had some interest in others and that's why I was one reason why I was thinking of ending it. I never did act on it, even after I ended it. I was kinda wrong about her being adventurous - it was just an excuse I gave myself at the time

because I was attracted to someone who

was very exuberant.

 

Also... I am not tied down to where I am living right now... So LD could end if it works out... Problem is does LD need to end before it works out... Or does it need to work out before LD ends... It will be the latter... But It seems like a catch-22.

 

Also things were great for a long time... But long distance made some of her insecurities about the relationship and magnified them.

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[...]Also... I am not tied down to where I am living right now... So LD could end if it works out... Problem is does LD need to end before it works out... Or does it need to work out before LD ends... It will be the latter... But It seems like a catch-22.

 

Also things were great for a long time... But long distance made some of her insecurities about the relationship and magnified them.

 

Since the LD isn't carved in stone, all the more reason to tread lightly and avoid manipulation at all costs. See her when she's willing to see you, but since she's the one with the barrier, it's up to her to take it down of her own accord. Trying to rush that will only have the opposite effect. If her feelings for you are there-yet-dormant, the only way to cultivate them is to feed them just enough water and sunlight--then allow them to grow. Over-watering kills just about anything. Patience.

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I have to apologize to everyone on the board for my advice to you. Although somewhat my advice still stands in some ways, but some new info has just surfaced that is causing me to rethink the advice that I gave you. I didn't know that you were the one that left her to pursue another. So now, you kind of are in a bind. You have to wait and be patient. Remember, you chose to leave the relationship to pursue something else and now you trying to get her back. Since you put it out there to her that you want to try to work things out, you have to give her time to decide. You cannot pressure her. Go on that date with the intention as friends only.. NOTHING ELSE BUT FRIENDS and see where it leads. But do not get your hopes high at all. If she wants to be with you, she will eventually let you know, and if not, you will eventually figure that out too. LAST thing I will say to you again, remember, that you left her, but it takes two to want to reconcile.

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Just to clarify... I didn't end it with her because of another person directly. I met someone who I became friends with. She was in a relationship, and I wasn't intending on getting with this other one. However, after becoming friends with her - I started to think "Why can't I have a girl like this" not "I want this girl." It doesn't make it much better - but I think that this one was more of a catalyst - someone that made me realize I could find someone else to make me happier when times were not so great with my gf.

 

Anyhow, I really want to thank everyone that put in the time to comment - I guess the whole thing for me is - If someone says they're not ready and times were bad when it ended, and something changes it is easy to say give it time. But, because we're LD right now it is hard to slowly improve the situation... That's why it's been difficult.

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