Jump to content

Been lurking for a while, thought I'd finally post my story


danielle1973

Recommended Posts

I've been involved in a long distance relationship for about 2 years, but it ended just shy of a month ago. It will have been one month this coming Tuesday.

 

I'll try to keep this as organized as possible, but my mind is a complete mess at the moment, so I can't make any promises.

 

We broke up because he's no longer in love with me, but more specifically, because he felt smothered. A bit of history:

 

We met online. We both play an online game, and are in the same "guild" in this game. We started spending a lot of time together in game, and realized we were both interested in each other as more than friends. In September of 2007, we decided to enter into a relationship with each other. We met in person in February of 2008, and things progressed well from there. We visited again in June of 2008, and things were still going well.

 

Last year at this time, I had a full time job in San Diego, and was also attending school full time, which didn't leave a whole lot of time for game playing, so when I was able to play, I wanted to spend time with him alone. At first, he seemed ok with this. But then I pushed for more, and he started to pull away. I then got sick, followed by a migraine headache that lasted several days, causing me to miss work and classes at school. As I was recovering, one of my two cats passed away. He was a big part of my life for 14 years, and I missed him dearly. This caused me to reach out to him even more.

 

And if that wasn't bad enough, in October, I lost my job. Because I'd been planning to quit the job and move halfway accross the country when my lease was up, I decided not to look for another job right away, but I was upset about the job loss - again, causing me to reach out to him. He tried to be supportive, but it was all a bit too much for him and he pulled away more.

 

In January, I moved. And in my new home, I started spending some time away from him and the game. This helped the relationship, and we planned another visit. I saw him in April. During this visit, he told me he loved me for the first time (He doesn't share his feelings easily) and told me that he was very happy I was there. We had a great time, and everything was perfect when I left and got back home.

 

I got back home, and started looking for a job. But being unemployed and in a new city where I didn't know anyone other than the friend I'm staying with wasn't easy for me. My family is separated - my mother and sister live in California, and the rest of the family is on the east coast. So I felt lonely and isolated. I should also mention that I am somewhat insecure, and every time another woman paid too much attention to him, I got jealous, and made it known. I pushed for him to spend more time with me. I pushed for him to talk about his feelings when he started to pull away again. So by the time I realized I was pushing him away permanently, it was too late.

 

The night he broke up with me, I told him I didn't want to give up, that I wanted to fight. He told me "At this time, I'm all done trying". I asked him if there was anything he could think of that I could do to change his mind, and he said "Not off the top of my head". I told him good night, and started NC immediately. Unfortunately, though, since we do still play this game together, NC doesn't work very well, so there actually has been some very limited contact. Each time we've talked (only twice in the past month) has been about game related subjects only, and only after I exhausted all other avenues.

 

He has not contacted me once, although it does seem on occasion that he has tried to get my attention, but I'm trying not to assume anything, and I certainly haven't responded to it.

 

To make matters worse, one of my best friends also happens to be a friend of his, and she told me to fight for him, and I really want to, but I just don't know how to fight without pushing him away further. And she's out of the U.S. until the 11th, and has been gone since the 15th, so she's pretty much off the radar for now. She's told me that she thinks there's a chance he'll change his mind, but gave the standard advice - work on yourself, make yourself the best you that you can, make him realize what he's missing, etc...

 

I am trying to do this, but I know that I need therapy to get past my trust/insecurity/jealousy issues, and as of now, I am still unable to find a job.

 

I suspect that even if he does miss me, he's too proud to admit it.

 

At this point, I don't even know what I'm really asking for, but I guess if anyone has any advice whatsoever, I'd love to hear it. And if you need more information, I'll do my best to give it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm too stupid for mind games.

have you tried talking to him openly and honestly.

whats the point of playing games?

just say whats on your mind and ask what he feels about the relationship status.

you were friends for long enough is he likely to play games or be honest.

be prepared to be told thank you we were good together but romantic involvement is over.

when you know where you stand you can prepare for your future.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm too stupid for mind games.

have you tried talking to him openly and honestly.

whats the point of playing games?

just say whats on your mind and ask what he feels about the relationship status.

you were friends for long enough is he likely to play games or be honest.

be prepared to be told thank you we were good together but romantic involvement is over.

when you know where you stand you can prepare for your future.

 

I have not tried talking to him since the night we broke up, no. I wanted to give him space, and not push him away to the point where he would close the door completely. From my conversation with him and the ones with our mutual friend, it appears that he has not closed the door completely and I'd like for it to stay open for now, even if it's just a crack that can slowly be opened further.

 

So I guess what I'm asking is...do I wait for HIM to open it further and invite me in, or do I peek my head through it and risk having it slammed in my face?

 

Or, do I just turn around and walk away while I still have my pride intact?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you said he felt smothered. i would remain friends, gently let him know that you care for him then see how he wants to go.

maybe the relationship simply ran it's course.

i would'nt take notice of a go between as messages get mis interrupted.

 

speak to him and clear the air.

honesty is best so you both know where you stand.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

and already, I've changed my mind due to some new information/occurrences that I don't want to go into at this time. It's really looking like I need to just forget about him (as much as I hate to give up) and move on for now. No one knows what the future holds, but I need to regain control of my present.

 

Thanks to those who did reply, I appreciate your advice. Any advice for moving on is also welcome, other than NC, which I'm continuing at this time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

for me indecision is the worst thing.

once you have made up your mind then you can go in the direction that most suits you.

hope the new start brings a change of luck.

 

anytime i have been unemployed i worked voluntary jobs. it's very rewarding and an excellent way to meet people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I never understood people who felt "smothered" in long distance relationships.To me that's a red flag. Seriously.

 

Another red flag was when you tried to reach out to him during hard times and he pullled away from you. Isn't that what being in a relationship is about? Having someone there for you when you need them? Unless you were a total sniveling mess and bringing him down, there's NO excuse as to why he should have pulled away from you when you needed him. Even a friend would have been there.

 

Sorry. I don't buy that you were too smothering.Not from what you've posted. I think the problem is with him and not with you. Don't blame yourself sweetie. Maybe long distance is just comfortable for him and the minute youne xpected MORE from him he got distant. There is nothing you probably could have done differently to change the outcome here. If it were ME I would stop even playing the game with him for a while.

He is still getting the comfort of knowing you're there, if even in THAT capacity. Disappear altogether for a while. That's MY advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I'm not going to claim that he was completely innocent in the situation. Yes, he could have been more supportive. But he told me from the start that he had problems expressing and/or talking about feelings/emotions/etc. He prefers to show how he feels. And, to his credit, each time we were together, he did a wonderful job of making me feel loved, wanted and appreciated. It was once we were separated again that the problems would come back. This was something I thought I was willing to accept, and in reality, I guess I couldn't.

 

I'd still like the chance to try again, but it's out of my hands now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...