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New relationship after being fooled


Lilla

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Hey!

 

I got to know a great guy 2 months ago. Even though we live far away (10 hours drive) we started a relationship. He is great, but..

 

I had a long distance relationship before which was my first and only serious relationship. My ex has cheated on me, was registered on a dating site etc. I have learnt that it is better not to trust people too much. It took me a year to get myself together and enjoy life again. I promised myself that no one will ever hurt me that much again..

 

So now here is this new guy who is great, caring, intelligent, but I am so scared to trust him and fall in love. I am thinking about him 24 hours a day, but still start panicking often. When we don’t have contact for 2 days I start thinking that he might have met someone else. When he took off my photos from his photo sharing page, I thought: doesn’t he want me anymore? But he actually took off the photos from every person, so it is a nonsense. I haven’t put his photo anywhere till now..

 

I feel that my behavior is not normal. I haven’t been like this before. I was never this needy. Do you have any advice how to relax and not to be so incredibly scared to trust or to get hurt?

 

Thanks for your advice

 

Lilla

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The problem is not that it is long distance. I have dated many people here, but this guy is the only one whom I really like. I just don't know how to trust again..

 

After the 4th or 5th time it happens, you won't care anymore or the issues will be so deep-seated you won't think anything is wrong! Just kidding.

 

Do you really want to be with him or do you think that maybe you are fixating on someone/something to bandage feelings you have not dealt with over the last relationship?

 

Neediness is, in most situations, an unattractive trait. But if he isnt meeting your -basic- needs, then you have a problem and it could contribute to your need for overcompensation.

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Do you really want to be with him or do you think that maybe you are fixating on someone/something to bandage feelings you have not dealt with over the last relationship?

Yes, he is the person I want to be with. I like him a LOT, he is smart, interesting, kind, considerate..

 

Neediness is, in most situations, an unattractive trait. But if he isn't meeting your -basic- needs, then you have a problem and it could contribute to your need for overcompensation.

I don't really know if I am truly needy. I'm always trying to pretend to take everything easily and I am - especially now - not at all good at talking openly about my feelings, because I'm afraid to get hurt.

 

I meant by needy that I need some contact (short chat, a mail or an SMS) every day or every second day. Now I haven't heard about him for 2 days and that really worries me. But at the same time I don't want to be the first who initiates contact, because I am afraid that he doesn't really care about me and that I am the only one who wants this relationship, just like in my past relationship..

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I'm in sort of the same kind of thing you are. I broke up with my ex-fiance in march because he used me and hurt me bad and closed myself off to a relationship and wasn't looking for one until I met my boyfriend at work. He's a marine. We both live in hawaii..he's a 20 minute flight away at his home base. He's military so being busy all the time or at least most of the time. comes with the territory. I haven't heard a word from him in a week and my mind constantly wonders if he had lost interest or pulling a total jerk move and ignoring to give me a hint. I'm afraid he's out to hurt me and do all sorts of absurd things my mind cooks up, like him not texting or calling me on a regular basis is the tell tale sign he's uninterested OH MY GOD! It's all just an overreaction and irrationality. Just because the guy we're seeing can't keep in contact with us on a daily basis doesn't necessarily mean he's found somebody new or lost interest, many things can factor in on why he all of a sudden can't get in contact with us how we'd like him too! Women over-analyze things like this. We just have to sit back and think that everything is going to be fine unless given a 100% reason to doubt that. So no worries girl, what you're feeling is natural when coming back out into the dating world after being burned pretty good. You're going to feel a bit out of it but it'll pass once you realize that not all guys are like the last jerk we dated. I myself am still coming out of that shell and it's a bit unnerving.

 

As for the neediness, I don't find you acting needy at all, you're just nervous that he'll treat you as your last one did which is highly unlikely. You have your guard up and you're alert, so you're constantly wondering even though you realllly like him. As long as you don't send him texts messages a million times a day you won't come off as needy IMO. What I find needy is when people feel the need to bug me every 5 minutes with mindless fluff. I have a tendency to want to text my boyfriend with all sort of questions that would drive a person mad, but I have such a curious personality and I have the need to dig at something that needn't it. So I think of how I'd come off and I refrain, so I don't look needy when in fact I'm just the type who has to know every detail of every situation. Part of my personality. So I can relate, don't worry, he'll get in contact with you one way or the other when he's able. Don't let your mind make up some whacky false truth inside your head. That'll drive you mad! Just trust him as he trusts you. He told you he's yours and hasn't said otherwise. Trust in that.

 

By the way, sorry I'm new and I was bored and decided to browse and found this week old thread thought I'd offer something to it see if it helps any.

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