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Is Sexual Chemistry a Must??


joejoe23

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Hello all, first time here for me and I would be very grateful for some wisdom and insight from folks who are enduring this same very painful dilemma of whether to stay in a relationship, get therapy to try to resolve the issue, or to move on. I am beating myself up with internal conflicts regarding how important sexual chemistry is for a relationship to endure the test of time. I have a real emotional and intellectual connection to my girlfriend of 4 years. She is hands down my best friend and emotional confidante, but we never really connected sexually. We now are basically just roommates, and the desire has all but vanished. It kills me to think that someone so special and dear to me that I cannot make love to her anymore. She is physically attractive, but we just don't mesh together in this regard. I fantasize, with guilt, about other women that I have been with prior to her that I had truly special connections with sexually, but then did not have emotional or intellectual connections with. On the one hand, I feel emotionally unevolved and immature that I cannot rise above this teenagerish mentality and make the best of it and work on rebuilding some level of physical intimacy knowing all the other many redeeming qualities that she has, but then on the other hand I cannot deny my feelings of wanting a great sex life. Am I deluding myself to think that I can be truly happy with a wonderful woman who I don't find sexually appealing, and is this relationship not looking like there is much hope if this is what I am feeling?

Thanks for reading and for your thoughtful responses.

 

Joe

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I think most of us hope to have it all, a connection that is mental, emotional, and physical. Many people stay in relationships without some or all of these things for a multitude of reasons, but you aren't most people, you are you. What will make you happiest? Would you rather be alone than in your current situation?

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i think sex is probably a big thing in a long term relationship.. i mean if u want to have a family or just intimacy connected it is.. its not a bad thing wanting that but as long as its not just about that.. u want.. questions to ask yourself... is it you who doesnt want to have sex with her or is it her ? what can u do to fix this problem? try talking to her..

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I was in that exact situation--with a twist: she pretended to be interested in sex for a couple of years, and I knew something was weird but I couldn't figure out what. By then we'd made a commitment, and she dropped bomb number one: she was only pretending to like sex, and wanted to remain with me for life as planned, but without sex. I faced your decision: stay with my "soulmate" but never have sex again? I was young, and I feel I made the wrong choice. I stayed, and I suffered. Then there's bomb #2. We were together for about a decade, and guess what? She was cheating on me the whole time with a certain other guy. I guess it wasn't ALL men she wasn't attracted to--just me What's messed up is that she could have just set me free years earlier. Instead she decided that she would have two men, and I would have nothing. Needless to say, I'm glad to be out of that relationship (but I want my youth back).

 

So I have my bias, but I say: you only have one life. Are you willing to take sex out of it forever? Because it's an important, healthy, not to mention fun thing. (And is she willing to do the same?)

 

I also realize life involves compromise. Could the two of you just be friends, which seems like it may be what you should have been all along? Something to try, maybe.

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Yes, sexual chemistry is a MUST!!!!!!!!

 

My ex and I had NONE and it was horrid. My fiancee and I have an AMAZING sexual chemistry and things are a lot better. Possibly coincidental, but we are able to talk things out better and fix our problems easier than I did with my ex.

 

Sexual chemistry builds a specific trust in the other person you are with...not just the physical-have fun with it part. Sexual chemistry makes you SOOOO much closer than anything else, IMO.

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I disagree. For me it's not a must at all. I was with my ex for ten years and for the first two or so years I had zero physical attraction for her at all…..I just loved spending time with her, loved her personality and we were otherwise perfectly matched, so while the sex wasn't great for me, I loved her very much and made sure that it was great for her at all times.

 

Now she's a stunning woman and always turned mens heads wherever we went, but I just didn't find her sexy on that level…..however, after time together, I finally was able to "see" how beautiful she was, and after that point she became the most gorgeous and sexy woman in the world to me and the sexual attraction became incredible.

 

Over the ten years we were together, we went through phases where I'd lose the attraction again, but it always came back, and I would never have left her purely over a matter of physical attraction. The irony is, that's exactly what she left ME for last summer…..I guess it's a shame she didn't feel the same way I do about attraction being low on the list of what really makes a relationship last long-term. We're all going to get old and lose our looks and (god forbid) we could have accidents that could scar us, so basing a relationship on physical attraction is IMHO pretty futile and superficial.

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Good points...."Eye", sorry to hear about your similar situaton, and I hope you find your soulmate/lover combo that has eluded you too. I agree that maybe we are just really close friends, but to add a heart jerking twist to this is that if we break up, she will have to move back to Eastern Europe as she is not a citizen. I lose my best friend forever. The guilt I feel is enormous in this regard as well, as she really loves it here vs back in her native country. I am slowly driving myself crazy sitting on the fence about this, and am worried about my mental health. "Waveseer", my heart says it is right, but my head is not "leading the way". My head is focusing on all the negatives, which creates the internal conflict and despair.

 

Thanks again everyone.

Joe

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We're all going to get old and lose our looks and (god forbid) we could have accidents that could scar us, so basing a relationship on physical attraction is IMHO pretty futile and superficial.

 

Yes, but the question here is not physical attractiveness itself, but sexual chemistry. I would say that not only is sexual chemistry important, but that the chemistry should (and often does) outlast the loss of our looks.

 

At the same time, some people have lower (or no) sex drive, and if it works for them (it's not a problem they need to work through) then that is fine--it's a healthy part of the range of human existence. In that case, two people who have a similar lack of interest would be good matches for each other, while one person with sex drive and one without would be a poor match.

 

But back to joejoe: you could still visit each other, right? And talk on Skype or whatever, and not be a total loss? That does sound sad and difficult, though.

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diabolik, yes she is my gf, but her visa expires soon, and will have to move back if I don't marry her. Very torn up about all this.

I think you would be making a huge mistake by marrying a woman with whom you don't have at least decent sexual chemistry. Unless you both are willing and mature enough to have an open relationship where both of you can get sex elsewhere.

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Another thing to look at: she really is your best friend. So would she want you to miss out on something so important? Would she even ALLOW you to give up a complete relationship, sacrificing that for a lifetime, just for her?

 

Still--wow. What a bad situation. You have my sympathies. I hope, if she has to leave, that you can visit back and forth at least once in a while.

 

It's sad when someone close becomes a much smaller part of your life, but it's a part of being alive. It happens with a breakup. It happens when kids move away from parents. It happens when friends' careers take them far away.

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I think a good friendship is most important. As sexuality only lasts for a certain time frame or the schopenhauer time frame =)

 

love..casts itself on persons who, apart from the sexual relation, would be hateful, contemptible, and even abhorrent to the lover. But the will of the species is so much more powerful than that of the individual, that the lover shuts his eyes to all the qualities repugnant to him, overlooks everything, misjudges everything, and binds himself for ever to the object of his passion. He is thus completely infatuated by that delusion, which vanishes as soon as the will of the species is satisfied"

 

After the will of the species is satisfied for 1hr per night. What is he/she left with =)

Friendship and marriage.— The best friend will probably get the best wife, because a good marriage is based on a talent for friendship.

 

Marriage as a long conversation.— When entering a marriage, one should ask the question: do you think you will be able to have good conversations with this woman right into old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, as most of the time in interaction is spent in conversation.

 

Also a leading psychologist can predict with a 95% success rate whether a couple will still be together in 3yrs time. And he doesn't study them in the bedroom.

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I agree that friendship and conversation are VERY important. That doesn't mean that sex (and mutual attraction and intimacy in-between too) is not ALSO very important.

 

This is subjective--some people are asexual or nearly so (or simply very repressed, sadly) and I'm certain that a sexless relationship is workable if two such people find each other, or if one is truly happy despite such a mismatch.

 

But most people ARE sexual. The sexuality of their relationship shouldn't be some separate part--some "urge" they get over with briefly. It is bound up with their thoughts and emotions and conversations and lives.

 

Also a leading psychologist can predict with a 95% success rate whether a couple will still be together in 3yrs time. And he doesn't study them in the bedroom.

 

Also a leading psychologist can predict with a 95% success rate whether a couple will still be together in 3yrs time. And he doesn't study them in the bedroom.

 

I don't doubt that. But it only proves your point if she/he ALSO studied that it did NOT matter whether those couples were sexual. Otherwise, I suspect the vast majority of those still-together couples had complete relationships. Study any one part and you'll tend to find success--but just because you study conversation (say) doesn't mean other parts aren't important.

 

It's like studying whether the best-loved cars have power-steering or not. When you find that 95% of them do, that doesn't mean you can say air conditioning isn't important. Most good cars have both, and the lack of A/C can be a VERY good reason to find a new car. (Alaskans excepted of course!)

 

Most good relationships have both an intellectual AND sexual connection.

 

An example of how the two connect: a study showed that when couples fight, sexual attraction makes them make up sooner.

 

Look at it this way: sex is important to people. If you don't care about what's important to your partner, that's a barrier that conversation can't always fix.

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Eye, i do agree with you.

 

Would the psychologist have the same success studying a couple in the sexual act? lool ie he just gave her 3 orgasms and they'll certainly be together in 3yrs time.

 

Maybe ur right and i'm wrong. The two factors play off of one another. I still think it has to play off friendship and closeness than on 'sexual chemistry'. It might be faulty logic though. As you do spend most of your time coversing with another person and you need the most skill in that area. If you spent 90% of the relationship in the sexual act. Then it would be a different outcome. To use the car analogy, the steering wheel is more important thatn the air conditioning lol. And please don't tell me it is 140 degrees outside xd

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A sexual relationship contains alot more than just sex. Yes sex is an action and can be done when not emotionally involved. But to REALLY connect emotionally there needs to be physical chemistry.

Particuarlly for women to release sexual inhabitions is the greatest form of trust you can put into your partner. The greater the chemistry the greater the relationship.

I'm not talking chemistry as in the sex is good or even great. You can have great sex with a virtual stranger. It's that passion, and an almost need to be a close as possible to that person. It's about exploring and discovery. The openness needed to have a great sexual chemistry will almost always affect the openness and connection emotionally as well.

The relationship isn't headed in good directions if you can't connect sexually.

 

 

 

Ps it's not exactly about attraction (although it helps). My boyfriend is not typically my type, he is very handsome, just not the look that immediately grabs and holds my attention. Somedays he's so hot I can't take my hands off him and others I don't find him all that attractive. BUT we connect sexually, we know how to tease and please eachother in ways much deeper than I had ever experienced before. The trust we put into eachother is huge. We can let all inhibitions, and insecurities fly out the window and simply enjoy! That

connection that he and I have only with eachother makes him sexier and deepens our connection.

 

 

Also a side note: if you don't have atleast a decent sex life, what do you have to look forward to??

I personally couldn't live that way

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Very interesting point Eye regarding couples with a sexual attraction/chemistry tend to make up sooner after spats. My girlfriend and I would often hold grudges for extended periods of time before making up which probably had something to do with the poor sexual chemistry as you stated.

 

thx

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