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is it a case of "true love waits", or eternal indecision?


toflyforreal

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okay so this post is more to vent than anything else.

 

i am in a situation with a friend of mine, who broke my heart by not-wanting to be involved with me three years ago.

i got over that, TOTALLY over it, was friends with him, wished him the best of luck in his romantic life, even offered to listen to him about it if he wanted to sound off (and i DID want to listen!) the whole deal.

now at the beginning of this summer, he confessed to having feelings for me, but was concerned and didn't want to ruin everything but also didn't want to bottle his feelings up anymore. left me that night with a kiss on the cheek.

 

from there on out, i kind of pressed him into more of a relationship with me than i think he was ready for. once he admitted the feelings for me i (stupidly? naively?) thought that we were on a fast track to Love-town.

however, as i look back it appears he didn't feel the same, has been VERY nervous and indecisive (he has later admitted as much) had the breaks on the whole time, etc.

 

we have talked about it a bit via a (somewhat explosive, brutally honest) email i sent him, and he wrote back and called back, etc. now he wants to talk in person.

 

that talk is going to happen later today and i feel like i'm setting up for the biggest heartbreak yet. i'm scared and sad and so many feelings but i feel i have to be brave as i have never tried being brave in a situation like this.

i know i am in love with him, whether that is right or wrong, and maybe he needs to know that.

 

any wisdom, or opinions, appreciated.

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Stay calm when you talk, express only YOUR feelings, and be cool like in pulp fiction.

whats the rush to get in a relationship?

i know it makes you feel instantly validated and secure, but you just might have to hang in the 'insecure' section for a while as he makes up his mind. its better than rushing into something only for him to figure out later or even just 'feel' like it was a mistake and pull back.

 

with this i say slow and steady wins the race.

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with this i say slow and steady wins the race.

 

 

thank you for your reply EQD.

you very well could be right - i just have a history of being an impatient person and when he wouldn't commit to me those years ago, i just kind of threw up my hands like "whatever".

and again, when he didn't commit this summer, i kind of threw up my hands again.

but perhaps this is a new ballgame -

 

i DEFINITELY want to make sure we are on the same page, or he is willing to partake in an equal mutually beneficial relationship where we both get some things that we want, before rushing into anything further.

 

(i just wonder / wish why this has to be so serious?! i'm still only 21 so i was thinking maybe i could try never growing up, messing around with people forever and never worrying about pesky emotions isn't that easier in some ways!?)

 

i guess i should PROBABLY make the effort huh.... i've only JUST begun to consider whether or not i'm ready to do that.

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keep it light, go at his pace.

 

this may be a No-can-do.. everything has been very much at his pace already.

 

i think we need to agree on a new one: maybe mine's too fast for him, but his has been too slow for me.

 

 

and his "slow pace" has caused me a fair amount of pain, thats something i should take into account no?

 

EDIT:

and i HAVE been the one trying to keep it light!!! but he wanted no part of it. he didn't want to be just friends, didn't want to be casual, didn't want to be serious: doesn't know what he wants.

 

last night he wouldn't even kiss me goodbye because we hadn't had our "scheduled talk" about all our feelings yet.

..... so frustrating.

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trust me, i've wreaked havoc on impulses in my teenage years.

this is a MUCH calmer version of myself.

 

i have been considering slowing down lately though because no one's yet been able to keep up with me for long

 

its partially because i enjoy a good fling though! not always having the goal of "relationship" in mind.

life doesn't always have to be serious, imo.

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this may be a No-can-do.. everything has been very much at his pace already.

 

i think we need to agree on a new one: maybe mine's too fast for him, but his has been too slow for me.

 

 

and his "slow pace" has caused me a fair amount of pain, thats something i should take into account no?

 

EDIT:

and i HAVE been the one trying to keep it light!!! but he wanted no part of it. he didn't want to be just friends, didn't want to be casual, didn't want to be serious: doesn't know what he wants.

 

last night he wouldn't even kiss me goodbye because we hadn't had our "scheduled talk" about all our feelings yet.

..... so frustrating.

 

 

"from there on out, i kind of pressed him into more of a relationship with me than i think he was ready for. once he admitted the feelings for me i (stupidly? naively?) thought that we were on a fast track to Love-town."

 

you guys are taking this way too seriously!! chill out!

lol, i know exactly where you are at right now. trust me.

ever hear the saying 'you can lead a horse to water' ?

if that horse doesnt want the water he isnt going to touch it. period.

you pressing his head into the water will get you nowhere fast.

if he is confused then double the amount of time you spend just getting to know him and let the emotions come or go as they want.

 

perhaps you too can gain something from this as well. its important that both of you just feel instead of think so much. alot of times people tend to get wrapped up solely on the IDEA of being in love or a relationship, and then they project that to another person. what happens is they get in a relationship and later on wonder how in the hell it happened.

 

make sure that person isnt you. Give it a few months, back away from the heavy talks, and go with the flow with NO expectations.

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trust me, i've wreaked havoc on impulses in my teenage years.

this is a MUCH calmer version of myself.

 

i have been considering slowing down lately though because no one's yet been able to keep up with me for long

 

its partially because i enjoy a good fling though! not always having the goal of "relationship" in mind.

life doesn't always have to be serious, imo.

 

Life becomes serious when you throw the term "true love" in the title, warranting a more mature course of action. You can keep it light and slow for now but if you treat it like your flings, well, if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got.

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perhaps you too can gain something from this as well. its important that both of you just feel instead of think so much. alot of times people tend to get wrapped up solely on the IDEA of being in love or a relationship, and then they project that to another person. what happens is they get in a relationship and later on wonder how in the hell it happened.

 

make sure that person isnt you. Give it a few months, back away from the heavy talks, and go with the flow with NO expectations.

 

 

i know you are right with the exception of one thing.

i will not have NO expectations - i will expect that he will care about me and show it if we are going to be involved.

 

he has already apologized for stringing me along SO MUCH in the past (his "slow pace") and knows he has hurt me by his own indecision. he's probably so afraid that ill hurt him though - again though thats his issue not mine.

 

yet he's so wrapped up in 'labels', what is serious and casual etc. I'm a big "feeler" and tend to just want to follow my heart and not my head completely. just do and say what you feel (within reason!)

 

again he's the one who takes things SOOO seriously! i almost laugh about it until i see that his own confusion causes him so much hurt

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Life becomes serious when you throw the term "true love" in the title, warranting a more mature course of action. You can keep it light and slow for now but if you treat it like your flings, well, if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got.

 

kantriakhor you are right as well.

 

thank you to all who are posting, i'm really trying to exercise myself out here so i am warmed up for when we have "the big talk" later, so i don't say or do anything too rash.

i DON'T want to just treat this like a fling, but i'm only realizing it recently.

 

i just want to be able to trust him and/or myself to do right on this.

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So has this guy dated anyone in those three years. Was he involved with anyone in a serious relationship during that time? Often people who string someone along just want the entertainment..and then when they truly have feelings for someone they make things happen...no wavering. My ex strung me along for years..but certainly did not waver when it came time to proposing marriage and getting married to someone he had known for years. Three years ago he jerked you around...now he is doing it again...go to that meeting but expect nothing...if he is still wavering then I would suggest you end the friendship period...because at this point in time he should know if he wants to date you or not...getting your hopes up by telling you words you want to hear, only to slap you down again with a "no I don't want to get involved with you" is the sign of someone who is immature and egocentric...not someone who will have your best interests at heart.

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no he has not been involved in a serious relationship in those 3 years.

self-professed in an email: he had somehow 'forgotten' how to trust.

 

i fear that i know him very well and have helped shed light on problems he has with himself - he said that this long letter i wrote him "woke him up" and was a "well-deserved slap in the face" about the way he had been treating me, behaving in general etc.

 

BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH DRAMA!

i fear that all of this does not necessarily beget "loving relationship" with him. hopefully talking today sheds some light on things - and i reserve the right to NOT be friends with him for a while (forever??) if i feel overly yanked around.

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