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no contact, No Contact, NO CONTACT!!!


Bob3000
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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I thought we were different. I thought what we had was special. I thought we were the exception to the rules.

 

So when I accidentally discovered she was single, over a year after we broke up, I got in touch.

 

Bad, bad, bad idea.

 

I was sure that I could reawaken her feelings. Or that she'd be keen to reopen comunication on a platonic basis. And the very worst possibility would be a polite "thanks, that's sweet, but no thanks".

 

I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

She was cold and cruel. I've just strengthened her resolve and destroyed any chance of her ever reconsidering.

 

So I post this as a warning. Stick rigidly to no contact. And assume she's never coming back. That's probably your best shot at either moving on or actually having her come back.

 

I'll obviously be sticking to no contact now. But I have little hope of ever hearing from her again...

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That's why I'm trying to tell myself. That I tried. I gave it my best shot. So I won't always be thinking "what if?"

 

But "no big deal"? You have no idea...

 

well sometimes you have to try. I know this board is big on NC. Ive done it for almost a year but i think there comes a time when NC does nothing more for you and in the end becomes more of nuisance than anything else.

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That's why I am a big proponent of it having to be the dumper to make first contact...unless the dumper was forced into ending the relationship because the dumpee had not treated him/her right. If the dumper really wants to re-start the relationship, they will move mountains to make that happen..they won't just make half-hearted attempts or leave it up to the dumpee to initiate contact.

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That's why I am a big proponent of it having to be the dumper to make first contact...unless the dumper was forced into ending the relationship because the dumpee had not treated him/her right. If the dumper really wants to re-start the relationship, they will move mountains to make that happen..they won't just make half-hearted attempts or leave it up to the dumpee to initiate contact.

 

Very true. My ex, who is the dumper, initiates contact. This last time around I really thought he was "feeling" something so I went ahead and allowed him back in. Sadly it didn't amount to anything but sometimes we just have to give things one last shot otherwise we will be plagued with "what ifs" for evermore. I knew I was taking a risk. I am now back at square 1 now ... but I don't regret it.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you will recover whatever ground you may have lost due to this contact pretty quickly.

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Very true. My ex, who is the dumper, initiates contact. This last time around I really thought he was "feeling" something so I went ahead and allowed him back in. Sadly it didn't amount to anything but sometimes we just have to give things one last shot otherwise we will be plagued with "what ifs" for evermore. I knew I was taking a risk. I am now back at square 1 now ... but I don't regret it.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you will recover whatever ground you may have lost due to this contact pretty quickly.

 

It is good that you don't regret it..it is your ex's loss for throwing away the opportunity for something good...basically it shows good character that you gave him another chance despite the risk..and he squandered the opportunity..he threw away someone who cared enough to give him another chance..what kind of numbskull does that!

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Maybe having broken NC will help me move on. I have no choice any more. But given my time over, I'd do things differently...

 

Well, at least now you have some closure. Obviously a year later you still havent gotten completely over her, maybe this will help you get past the "what if" feelings and move on

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That's why I am a big proponent of it having to be the dumper to make first contact...unless the dumper was forced into ending the relationship because the dumpee had not treated him/her right. If the dumper really wants to re-start the relationship, they will move mountains to make that happen..they won't just make half-hearted attempts or leave it up to the dumpee to initiate contact.

 

I think sometimes the dumpee sets the bar to high. Not to be over literal of your words but the Bible tells us God can move mountains, man is not quite that gifted. I agree the dumper has to be the one to make the most effort, but at some point you have to meet somewhere in the middle.

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I think sometimes the dumpee sets the bar to high. Not to be over literal of your words but the Bible tells us God can move mountains, man is not quite that gifted. I agree the dumper has to be the one to make the most effort, but at some point you have to meet somewhere in the middle.

 

 

Of course you have to meet in the middle...but that can only happen when the dumper shows that he/she is serious and committed to rebuilding the relationship. Also, by move mountains I don't mean God-like gestures..what I mean is that they need to get off their butts and SHOW that they mean reconciliation and re-building...not just throw out empty "I love you, I miss you" words..they need to back that up with concrete actions. Many dumpers who contact the ex only do so for their own ego boost, not because they truly want to reconcile..so they don't "move mountains"..in other words, there are no concrete actions...just empty words, platitudes, ambiguities, mind games and push/pull games. Moving mountains means communication of the real issues which split the relationship apart, communication of intentions, concrete actions such as getting together for the purpose of enjoying each other's company and re-connecting on an emotional level...not simply to have sex etc.

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It is good that you don't regret it..it is your ex's loss for throwing away the opportunity for something good...basically it shows good character that you gave him another chance despite the risk..and he squandered the opportunity..he threw away someone who cared enough to give him another chance..what kind of numbskull does that!

 

Lol .... our exes, thats who!!!

 

Right now I am trying to tell myself that I am a better person than he is. Whatever his lame excuse may be, he built me up to drop me from a great height and thats unforgivable. It caused unecessary pain on my part - and was completely pointless on his. But nevertheless if I hadn't had followed my heart when I did (even if it was wrong - stupid heart I think I would have regretted that decision far longer than I will regret the decision I did make.

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I think sometimes the dumpee sets the bar to high. Not to be over literal of your words but the Bible tells us God can move mountains, man is not quite that gifted. I agree the dumper has to be the one to make the most effort, but at some point you have to meet somewhere in the middle.

 

Our exes gave up any rights of expectation the minute they dumped us so we don't have to do anything. If we know there is no going back sometimes complete NC is what we need to heal and move on. If my ex wants me he knows where I am, if he wants to speak to me, he knows my phone number, if he wants me back he knows he only need ask (doesn't mean I will say yes now tho) .... but I certainly won't be going out of my way to meet him in the middle. It was his choice to move on from me and that is exactly what I am trying to do too and I want him to know that.

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It was his choice to move on from me and that is exactly what I am trying to do too and I want him to know that.

 

You're confusing moving on with reconciliation attempts. Not to pick specifically at you, but in general, I think in this forum alot of people dont draw that line. "Im moving on and the ex is going have to run behind me and catch up to me if they want me back." is the concensus.

 

Moving on means moving in an opposite direction away from the ex. Reconciliation requires you to stop and turn around.

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So I post this as a warning. Stick rigidly to no contact. And assume she's never coming back. That's probably your best shot at either moving on or actually having her come back.

 

I'll obviously be sticking to no contact now. But I have little hope of ever hearing from her again...

You do know your isolated example isn't proof of anything, right? I'd actually think a "cold and cruel" ex after a full year would actually be the exception, not a yardstick for everyone else. Of course, for all we know, she might have good reason to treat you that way. It always comes down to individual circumstances.

 

For that it's worth, I'm on pleasant terms with all my exes other than my current one, and I'm sure that'll work out with time.

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Moving on means moving in an opposite direction away from the ex. Reconciliation requires you to stop and turn around.

 

Important point. I think meeting in the middle means you let your ex approach you and listen to what s/he has to say, even if the first thing out of their mouth isn't "I was an idiot. I'm so sorry. Let's reconcile!" I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to go from NC to "let's make up," especially when they've gone however many weeks with no information about how you feel. The problem we dumpees face is that when someone reaches out with a "hi, how are you?" it's impossible to tell if that's guilt, ego, curiosity, or the start of a deeper conversation.

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That's why I am a big proponent of it having to be the dumper to make first contact...unless the dumper was forced into ending the relationship because the dumpee had not treated him/her right. If the dumper really wants to re-start the relationship, they will move mountains to make that happen..they won't just make half-hearted attempts or leave it up to the dumpee to initiate contact.

 

Does half hearted attempts include one line emails "how're you doing?" and "are you through communicating with me?" and calling without leaving a message? if they really wanted you back they'd probably do more, eh? even a really passive, avoid-conflict-at-all-costs kind of person?

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I'd actually think a "cold and cruel" ex after a full year would actually be the exception, not a yardstick for everyone else. Of course, for all we know, she might have good reason to treat you that way.

 

Heh... for all we know, it may have been the "NC" that caused the cold and cruel...

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Heh... for all we know, it may have been the "NC" that caused the cold and cruel...

Yeah, not a bad point. You already know, though, that we see too many cases where people want to draw sweeping conclusions from isolated examples, to wit:

 

"[something really good] just happened! Keep the faith! It could happen for you too!"

 

Er, maybe.

 

"[something really bad] just happened. Give up, move on, you have no chance."

 

Er, not necessarily.

 

Patterns of behavior count for a lot more than isolated examples, and it's really difficult to discern patterns in an environment like this, especially when we always get one-sided views of relationships. I know enough about research to know that we can draw very few trustworthy conclusions from what we read here.

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Yeah, not a bad point. You already know, though, that we see too many cases where people want to draw sweeping conclusions from isolated examples, to wit:

 

"[something really good] just happened! Keep the faith! It could happen for you too!"

 

Er, maybe.

 

"[something really bad] just happened. Give up, move on, you have no chance."

 

Er, not necessarily.

 

Patterns of behavior count for a lot more than isolated examples, and it's really difficult to discern patterns in an environment like this, especially when we always get one-sided views of relationships. I know enough about research to know that we can draw very few trustworthy conclusions from what we read here.

 

I think that the OP raises a very valid point, although perhaps not the one he meant to. I think his post more raises the point that there is considerable risk trying to reopen the lines of communication after a long period of no talking, particularly if you have hopes or expectations of reconciliation. It's good food for thought. I think its a very valid post because how many times do we so thread titled "Thinking of breaking NC?" or "Do you think I should contact my ex after X amount of months?" The OP points out that there is considerable risk involved, and I think its something everyone needs to consider before they make that choice to break no contact. You have to be ready to be rejected again, because that very well may happen. A lot of dumpees get burned when they try to go back.

 

You pointed out that his isolated experience means nothing for the rest of us, nor reflects any real trends. Perhaps, but I don't believe you can really compare anyone's experience to anyone else's, or use someone's success or failure to gauge the probability that your own situation will improve/deteriorate. I don't think anyone, any trend, or any expert can tell you with any sort of accuracy how things might turn out. People are just too complex. Everyone wants to believe they are the exception, and they see what they want to see in trends. I don't believe in them. Not with people.

 

Just my two cents.

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You're confusing moving on with reconciliation attempts. Not to pick specifically at you, but in general, I think in this forum alot of people dont draw that line. "Im moving on and the ex is going have to run behind me and catch up to me if they want me back." is the concensus.

 

Moving on means moving in an opposite direction away from the ex. Reconciliation requires you to stop and turn around.

 

Not at all because I wanted to reconcile with my ex and if I am going to be honest with myself I probably still do. If he contacts me then I don't and wont ignore him but I won't be contacting him. I feel it is down to him to initiate contact - at the end of the day he dumped me for a reason and I really don't want to hang around and outstay my welcome.

 

I am open to communication, I just won't be initiating it (which I guess is my meeting in the middle). If I knew my ex wanted to reconcile then it would be a completely different matter but until he tells me otherwise I wont assume that to be the case and will allow him the space he wants from me.

 

Of course everyone's situation is different and each one of us copes differently. We have to do what we think and feel is best for ourselves and our situation.

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Sorry, but this doesn't apply to everyone. If she was that mean, it's probably because you did something mean to her back then. My current ex never had that much hostility towards me as yours did to you. If after a year of NC and she still has that much anger, something MUST have gone down 1 year ago to not only PUT her in that state, but KEEP her in that state. Again, some ex's get better after only a little while. Yours didn't. That doesn't apply to all.

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I am open to communication, I just won't be initiating it (which I guess is my meeting in the middle). If I knew my ex wanted to reconcile then it would be a completely different matter but until he tells me otherwise I wont assume that to be the case and will allow him the space he wants from me.

 

 

What I meant by meeting in the middle is at somepoint, once the dumper indicates they want to reconcile, if its something the dumpee wants, they need to turn back and head towards each other. The middle doesnt always mean dead center. It can be the ex walking the furthest distance back, but the dumpee has to take a few steps of faith too. Faith. Funny I came to that word....... its in the teaching of faith that we are taught that a mountain can be moved

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Sorry, but this doesn't apply to everyone. If she was that mean, it's probably because you did something mean to her back then. My current ex never had that much hostility towards me as yours did to you. If after a year of NC and she still has that much anger, something MUST have gone down 1 year ago to not only PUT her in that state, but KEEP her in that state. Again, some ex's get better after only a little while. Yours didn't. That doesn't apply to all.

 

I dont know, my ex wife who loved me more than anything hates my guts and I did nothing mean. As we moved to divorce I think to protect her feelings she found it easier to decide to hate me

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