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Time has passed but still sad


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I'm trying to gain some insight on things.. I wish my ex would come back but I have questions the situations that happened over the course of the 3 years I was with him.


I wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me try controlling him and wanting more attention which i think ultimately drove him into leaving me making me feel so much regret. Please read each of the points. i told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before. He knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, he said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things.


My ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc...and he was good to me in a lot of ways, was reliable, i was around his family alot etc..i knew he loved me.


here are some tiny details that i guess can lead to a big picture:


1. When first beginning dating him, (3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him.


That spot was for friends i guess(BUT it made me think of that saying--friends before ho*s)..it bothered me a tiny bit but i felt ok, its still early on maybe he just wants to show his friends are still his top priority.


after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive).


He was trying to avoid it i guess but it turned into an actual argument about me sitting in the front when he was driving..i wanted to be sitting next to him and felt it was disrespectful i would be in the back(i didnt mind it sometimes but it was as if i had to earn my way to the front or i didn't belong there).



My sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front.


Even when we were going out and he decided he didn't feel like driving and his friend took his car and drove---it almost made me feel like it was done on purpose, because obviously my b/f is gonna sit up front with his friend and i would be the back. at that point, that was probably me being really insecure but that was how it made me feel due to the past.


Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back.


But the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy,


I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother.


Apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..


Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.


2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls..i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.


3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.


Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.


It's obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while did his thing or spent time with his family.


There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me.


I felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something...



4. I wanted him to say i love you more often..i didn't think every night before we got off the phone was too much to ask..but i had to ask him for it..i needed to hear it more often..and i didn't ask him to do it after 6 months or even a year..im pretty sure it was after a year of dating or more i wanted him to say it more often like every night.


5. He hardly ever complimented me


6. My friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well...i liked it, it made me feel like i was safe but that indifference quality i guess could be a problem for some.


7. His friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.


8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding...it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me...and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? i felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me.


9. He embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...


BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.


I felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap...and afterwards i was getting teary eyed while watching tv with him in his house still saying how could you do that and he basically just said he didn't want to hear it etc etc.


I honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself..i am thinking...maybe i showed some jealousy a few days before or we had a fight recently or something and he still was mad..i honestly can't remember but i don't understand how he could say that to his mother when i told him not to do it because i felt like it would make me look bad or something...and he did it anyway..even if he was mad about something, he didn't have to do that which made me feel like i looked like sh*t.


There were other factors as well that made me insecure and i could name more words said or little things done..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way.


i am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this i reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but i still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently.



But here are some examples of things that have happened and i am still wondering if i had a right to feel somewhat insecure and maybe all of this wasn't just my fault?


Its been pretty much a year and I am tempted to touch base with him and see if something can slowly progress...because time has passed and i have kept myself busy, traveled, worked, reflected on my flaws in general, exercised, saw friends etc but still feel sad without him like something is missing....of course its a very high chance i will be rejected but atleast i can put myself out there and put my pride away to show i still think about him.....heart is hurting...thank you

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I am sorry you are still hurting. Personally I am not so sure you miss him, but perhaps just miss having someone. I dont think you are wrong to feel the way you felt, it sounds like at time he could be inconsiderate. Im not so sure now is the right time to get back with him. If a year has passed and you still remember these things in such great detail, I dont know if you are ready. I guess you could test the waters by checking in.... but I dont know that I would let him know how much you miss him just yet

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thanks for your reply


most say he will probably give some neutral answer and nothing will come of it and its like i'm wiping his slate clean like it was all me to blame. My mother thinks its kind of pathetic to text him especially with him knowing i took it so hard and did the mistake of pleading on the phone for him not to leave, texting saying it will be different and i am sorry and i still love you very much. On one hand she says ok just do it but don't make a big deal out of it if nothing comes of it and then walk away and on the other she says even if he was very fed up, he could believe that time apart can change things


I don't think he stopped loving me when he ended it but i think he was tired and fed up. I have left him alone so I think it does show yes i was very hurt etc but i am able to walk away for a long while and leave you be and be on my own. But with more time passing i get scared maybe i am losing my chance to possibly get back together.


So i guess i was thinking of approaching him in a more statement kind of way like...."i took it badly last year; also know why you were unhappy. Its been a long time. How have you been?"


and see what comes of it..chances are he will reply with some answer like been really busy working, how was this or that, or how was ur past b-day etc..or maybe he will be mean..i am really unsure....but i guess because i feel this sad i am thinking why not take one last shot and put aside the pride to let him know i do still think of him. I guess i am taking that 1% chance that maybe something positive will come out of this because i did and still really love him.....

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I probably wouldnt remind him that you took it badly... I think it is better for him to think you have forgotten (which could lead to a start fresh.) If he is reminded of how bad you took it, it might spook him to try again... and also think that you never moved on cause you are still dwelling on it..


Good luck to you, I hope it works out for the best

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what should i write then? because its been awhile and to forget what happened might sound weird---to just write, hey have you been you know? without acknowledging the time that has passed and what happened


should i write...alot of time has passed..i know why you were unhappy..how have you been? or dont even mention that i know the reasons...i thought it might show i understand

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DOn't write anything or make contact , clearly you are not incontrol of your emotions yet and any contact or lack of response is just going to mess with your head even more.


you need to realise it is over and focus more on yourself than someone who is not coming back.

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i think i am in more control over my emotions than months ago but am just sad over the situation and miss him...i guess that is why i want to take the risky chance and try to see if there is a possible way to slowly reconcile by just sending a simple text saying i know alot of time has passed; been thinking about u-how have u been? the text is honest and i think friendly...if he doesnt respond i cant do anything about that


it is putting myself very much out there for the high possibility of rejection but i guess i havent stopped caring in a year and guess want to try one last time.


is it so wrong to do that and touch base to see what could happen and then i guess i won't have to look back because i tried my hardest to amend things

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i have actually rethought it and if i were to do something maybe an actual v-mail is better than words on a screen....i doubt he would pick up b/c it would be weird so in the v-mail i can say what i wanted to write which is basically its been a long time, been thinking about you and how you have been and if you want you can text me back or something


is this completely horrible to do?

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well i made the decision to call him..i sent him a v-mail so it wouldn't ring with my number and possibly interrupt something..i mentioned i have been thinking of him lately, wondering how he is etc and if he wants he can text me back and i left my number in case he didn't have it anymore...he called me back about 3 minutes later and we started talking..i dont remmeber everything word for word b/c it was very nerve wracking, i wasn't expecting his call..i asked him about his mom and how was family etc


he was on a vacation with a friend to do something right now..and he said he is very suprised to hear from me after the way things happened so abrupt and how it finalized etc..he did mention my things like he still has it and he wasn't going to throw it away and my heart started to sink a little so i said i regret alot and know if it wasn't for the jealousy most of our problems wouldn't have existed and he was saying hindsight is 20/20 right? and he said im sure i had my flaws too..but i basically put the blame on myself and said no, i don't want to do what i did with whoever i am with and if i knew what it was doing to us and to you it would have stopped, i just never realized it etc....and then he kind of changed the subject and said how is my family and then asked what have i been up to which is when i told him about my traveling and he said very nice and asked who i went with to one of the trips


he mentioned he knew my b-day passed and didnt want to call on it and ruin anything and he also knew i didn't want to be friends and thats when i said i dont want to be friends and he says he understands..and at one point in the convo it was brought up how when i contacted him months ago he just didn't want to go through all that again and i said i don't either, i wouldn't to do that again


my stuff did get mentioned again and he said something like you would use it again except for maybe that brush in my medicine cabinet(it was all full of hair) and i said bad i know..and he said its still there....and i really tried to get in as best as i could with me being nervous how i wish i could back and do things over and he mentioned i dont believe in changing everything for someone else and i said well this would be for me in general..and then he asked but how can you change like that and just not be that way..something along those lines he siad..and i said well by taking a couple of steps back and asking is this worth reacting to and stressing out about and most times it isn't...he also mentioned it can be together all the time...and i had no idea what he meant so i asked..and he said like not being able to be out of the person's sight..and i said i know you should have been able to do this or that...and then he mentioned but you should want to do those things too and i agreed and told him i even joined a softball league this summer which kind of was a good light topic and he kind of started laughing like i can't picture you doing this and that i would have to see and record etc..and i said no thats embarrassing...we got on the topic of dates and he said you mean to tell me you didn't date anyone..and i didn't know what to say so i said i took some time to myself and then asked him and he said he went out with a few people but nothing b/f and g/f which is what he wanted..he wanted to work and pay off bills etc..so i said ok i expected that..and i mentioned i went on some dates but its not where i wanted to be..and he said there is a lot of garbage out there


and when i was mentioning the relationship stuff he said can we talk about this when i get back?

he eventually started to say he is gonna go..i guess b/c his friend was there or they were going somewhere..and maybe i shouldnt have said it but i said do u want to meet up? and he said well i am back this week so i will give you a call and i said ok bye and he said ok expect a call


im so nervous..i really tried to explain myself..i wasnt expecting him to call back so fast especially if he was away..its like being heartbroken all over if rejected and he doesnt think a second shot is worth it..but i guess i showed i had heart after all this time

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You


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