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I don't want to play anymore!


Mellie

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Ello. I had my play tonight. My ex asked if he could come. I couldn't understand why he'd asked - to be honest I thought it showed a lot of cojones, bearing in mind he broke up with me and it stands to reason some of my peeps would be there.

 

I got a little nervous, particularly thinking he may be there, though it was no where near as bad as I'd imagined. It all went off really well, but I looked out in the audience as I was reading my lines - there were loads of folks there, though he hadn't turned up. I'm not sure how to feel. On the one hand, I didn't want him to be there, and if I'd spotted him I probably would have fluffed my lines. On the other, I wanted to make him proud. On another (a third hand, if that's allowed) what's with him? What is he up to? I get weekly emails about nothing, then can I come and see your play, now it's like 'I would, but I'm far too busy and important'.

 

Why do we all have to play games? I'm tired. Why can't it be one way or the other? It's over. It's on. It's not hard. I know my feelings. I know when something's done, you let it go. No going back and prodding it with a pointed stick. And if it isn't over, for you, you'll do anything you can to hang on to it. I don't get the grey areas. Is it the journey, or the getting there? It's always been the getting there for me. Maybe I'm missing something...

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Thanks Jonas I don't know, maybe I read too much into his asking to come. I mean, I broke up with my ex ex and we promised to stay friends. I went to his art shows after it had ended as moral support - but I wouldn't have invited myself, and I definitely wouldn't have invited myself and not shown!

 

I don't know. I mean, I gave him the dates and said he was welcome to come but not to tell me he'd definitely be there - I thought it would make me more nervous... but I kind of thought if he was asking he would be! Oh I hate all this! Why can't life just be simple?

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Okay, gonna go optimist on you. He might have sensed your nervousness about him being there, since you did tell him you'd be nervous! And decided to skip the first one and come to a later one when you'll be more into the swing of things.

 

Oh yeah, what play?

 

 

I am a hopeless optimist.

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Congrats on the play! I definitely admire you for doing that, I could never get up there in front of all those people!

 

Is it possible your ex is planning on coming another night? It is weird he asked and then didn't come, but maybe he realized that it would be a bit strange. There are a lot of things that sound good in theory that feel different when you actually start to do them...

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Thanks Bronte I am really shy - I made myself do this after we broke up. For the first minute I was talking tonight I honestly thought I was going to die. I had cotton wool mouth - it was awful! But you know they're all with you (well, they didn't throw anything!) so you think - what the hell. It's a great feeling afterwards. If I can do it, anyone can. When I was a kid, I was so scared of people, I had to talk myself up for an hour to go around to the corner shop and tell the guy behind the counter which icecream I wanted to buy (seriously).

 

Jonas, twas a play about pirates! I live in Devon (south coast of England) and in the next town they're a bit keen on the old sea dogs. Last month they broke a Guiness record - 1,469 pirates, with their very own Jack Sparrow, of course. I played a man tonight court official. Didn't even get a pointed hat! Oh well!

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Yaaar! I like pirates. Sounds like a fun night! What's up with no hat?! Sheesh. I'm with Bronte, I could never do a play. No way! That's really great you pushed through a fear and went for it. Very inspiring.

 

And yeah, what's the worst that can happen? You already proved to yourself you're strong enough to do it. It's all good after that.

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It's weird looking back on how far you've come though. If this had been a month ago, it would have seemed like the end of the world!

 

Yay, pirates are cool! I can't help but think of that guy in dodgeball who thinks he's one though... We've got a whole town full of them!

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Why do we all have to play games? I'm tired. Why can't it be one way or the other? It's over. It's on. It's not hard. I know my feelings. I know when something's done, you let it go. No going back and prodding it with a pointed stick. And if it isn't over, for you, you'll do anything you can to hang on to it. I don't get the grey areas. Is it the journey, or the getting there? It's always been the getting there for me. Maybe I'm missing something...

 

Wow are you reading my mind!...Does the "if it isn't over, for you, you'll do anything you can to hang on to it." refer to you, or your ex or both? My ex is doing the same thing! He dumped me and we were...and still are I guess...best friends and even though I think he's at least seeing other people (he doesn't mention it to me so I won't be hurt) he still texts me every day, and involves me in his life...we recently started working on a project together and will be seeing each other often for that....but I still don't know what it all means! Some days I don't want to play anymore and some days I really enjoy the game.

 

About the play did he speciffically ask if he could come tonight? Maybe he just wasnt to know if he could come and he'll be in the audience another night.

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