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I have a bf whom we have been official bf/gf for 3 months now, but we dated before (this included long distance while I was abroad, we were basically bf/gf, we werent seeing anyone else but didnt wanna put a label on it over the internet) for another 3months. Now, he treats me awesome and he seems to really like me. Hes very nice and considerate to me and is touchy feely a lot.

 

A month before we started dating, his best guy friend played a joke on him where he IMed him and said “Hey this is your ex” My bf, thinking it was his ex and not his bff, said something like “I never really got over you” later in that convo. Well his ex found out about this joke and she actually started talking to my bf again and they did flirt. It was obvious from his Facebook history that he wasn’t just being polite, they exchanged phone numbers. This stopped shortly after we started dating but she got a bf too at the time.

 

When she got dumped a few months ago she emailed my bf all depressed and said “lets get married when we’re 26. we can work out our long distance fighting issues” (that’s why they broke up, not because he stopped liking her obviously) My bf says she goes through men like crazy and that she gets hit on all the time. But he said that he told her they could hang out but he was seeing me, and they did hang out. He says she was being crazy with that email and when I said I didn’t like that she just says “Oh hey lets get married and get back together” he said “She never asked me to get back together.” He said he doesn’t talk to her, but I think he did awhile ago on Twitter because she said something about it on his Facebook wall. He said he cant ignore her and that hes just being polite when replying. We’ve fought about it, he said I don’t have anything to worry about he wants to be with me. He said he doesn’t think about his ex. He did post on her wall in response to the Twitter thing the day after we fought, but it was innocent and he said hes not going to just ignore her.

 

I cant help being insecure!!! esp since my boyfriend is def into looks and shes much prettier than me.

 

My question is will a guy say “Don’t focus energy on her when I want to be with you” when he really isn’t over his ex? I get the feeling hes with me because he cant be with her.

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Go with your gut feeling. If this early on you feel like you are second then I think its time to find a BF that doesn't still have feelings for his ex. Im sorry, but it does seem like he is still trying to hold on to her in some way.

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You think even though when he hung out with her and said to her "I have a girlfriend" and nothing happened (he promises), and the recent talking to her was innocent, I should still break up with him?

 

I know what hes doing is wrong. I feel so stupid for wanting to break up with him over Facebook. People talk to their exes though I dont, and I get it. I will be crushed- I like him alot and its hard when I see him in person because he treats me so well and I forget about all this. But I want to hack into his Facebook to see what he has said to her. And I dont like feeling this way.

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You think even though when he hung out with her and said to her "I have a girlfriend" and nothing happened (he promises), and the recent talking to her was innocent, I should still break up with him?

 

I know what hes doing is wrong. I feel so stupid for wanting to break up with him over Facebook. People talk to their exes though I dont, and I get it. I will be crushed- I like him alot and its hard when I see him in person because he treats me so well and I forget about all this. But I want to hack into his Facebook to see what he has said to her. And I dont like feeling this way.

 

Yeah, nothing happened. Sure. I'm kidding but honestly, I wouldn't trust him on what he said based on all the things you've described what he did to us.

 

You know what, don't. Don't hack into his Facebook. Just do the right thing and break up with him. It's going to be hard, he will try and persuade you to stay, but tell him it's not going to work out. You don't even have to give him the "it's cause of your ex" reason- Just tell him you're done and walk away.

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You think even though when he hung out with her and said to her "I have a girlfriend" and nothing happened (he promises), and the recent talking to her was innocent, I should still break up with him?

 

I know what hes doing is wrong. I feel so stupid for wanting to break up with him over Facebook. People talk to their exes though I dont, and I get it. I will be crushed- I like him alot and its hard when I see him in person because he treats me so well and I forget about all this. But I want to hack into his Facebook to see what he has said to her. And I dont like feeling this way.

 

 

Maybe nothing did happen & that's just a maybe. But the fact that you want to go as far as hacking into his facebook - tells me (from my own experience) that you have a gut feeling something is off & you just want more proof and/or that you are not crazy for thinking these things. Anyway, been there done that & my gut never failed me.

 

The fact that he wants you to drop it, makes this worse. He wants you to drop it cause he doesnt want to stop talking to her & why not? Why does he need to keep talking to her?

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I agree with all the others - there's unfinished business here, and even though he may do nothing about it, that's not really the point. He may truly love you, but that's not the point either. I've been in this situation, and it really undermines your trust, self-esteem and ability to be your 'best self' - when you're fighting over something like this, you cannot build a lasting relationship based on trust and mutual respect. Feeling undervalued and suspicious all the time will have a really draining effect on you.

 

I know this will hurt in the short term, but cut your losses. You could say something like 'I have a strong sense you're not over your ex, and I'm not unsympathetic, but I can't carry on having a relationship feeling that I'm second best'. Then carry on with your own life, your own interests, whatever will build you up again. His situation may change at some point in the future - who knows?- but don't hang around waiting for it to happen. The cost to you will be too great.

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He kept telling me to trust him. He didnt understand why I couldnt trust him and he kept saying he wasnt lying. (about telling her about me and saying No I have a gf) He hasnt done anything or talked 2 her in awhile that I know of. Should I just wait until he does it again?

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Don't wait until something happens. That's just a recipe for hurt. Clearly the "I'm not over you" message is a huge slap in the face for you. That's a huge hint for you to get out. I once dated someone who wasn't over his ex, he lied to me that he wasn't hung up on her, but the entire time he was still talking to her and it was giving me so much grief. I finally found out they were doing something more on the side (and she also had a bf) so the cheating finally gave me the strength to walk away.

 

So my advice, don't wait until it gets too deep down the road.

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