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I miss her, but i miss myself most importantly


curious11

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I started recovery about 7 months ago. I was doing really well at first and i got into a relationship. The relationship has been great for the most part. Thers always ups and downs. But i should have listened to people on here along with my sponsor about staying away. Its just hard sometimes to let go of something that makes you feel good, thats what makes me an addict. She made me feel good just like the drugs did.

 

Now ive been with this girl for about 4 or 5 months now. We were both living in a sober house and i met her through the program. Im head over heels for this girl and shes head over heels for me. But our addiction got the best of us and sooner or later she was drinking and poppin pills everyday and sooner or later I was Injecting drugs daily.

 

I had graduated from a sober house prior to relapsing and then moved to my fathers. Within one month i was back on the streets. I couldnt control my relationship the way i did when i was sober. All my feelings came back and i became more depressed than ever. My girlfriend became shady and starting lying to me and doing stupid things. A couple weeks later we both decided to get help for ourselves. She went into a program which is more along the lines of a rehab and i moved back into a sober house. We agreed that the relationship would NEVER work if we decided to use again. And im trying to worry about myself right now. But its easier for people to tell me to do that, but in reality i cant stop thinking about my g/f and how much i miss her.

 

Missing her is only puting more stress on me right now, because at the moment im very depressed. Im back at a sober house which is never fun (but safe). and i have no contact with the person i was very close too. I dont have many friends. And i work for a family business with a lot of pressure on me. Now i just want my old self back. I dont want to be involved with a girl, but im too deep into this relationship and shes too special too me that i cant just hide my feelings and let go of her. What should i do??

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You know addictions are the worst, because you need to come to the realisation that not everything that 'feels good' is 'good' for you.

 

I see myself as a garbageman i need to throw all the messy negativity out of my life. Everything that damages me has got to go out of the window.

 

The people who create that stuff only care about making money, they don't care for wether you end up dead on the streets or get in trouble. This is why you need to steer away from them, this because they use your own stupidity against you. You are just like a fish and the drugs is the hook, if your stupid enough to be lured and take the bait then they've captured you and you'll be boiled alive.

 

And this is important because you know, the brains reward centers aren't so smart, they think that everything that 'feels good' is good, and reward you, but in reality you need to shield yourself and kick out everything that brings negativity in your life, wether it be alcohol,sigarettes, or wrong people.

 

You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.

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Your sobriety is the most important thing. Not her. Not now anyway. She needs to worry about her sobriety while you worry about yours. This is necessary for your survival. Part of being sober is being sober from toxic relationships. If you two make each other relapse, then you're drugs to each other. You can't survive like that. It's better that she's away getting sober herslef so you can too. And so you can both stay that way.

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