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Here I am again...


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Less than a year go, I was here heartbroken and here I am again, the night after a very, very, very bad breakup.

 

There's a much longer story behind this, which I can't emotionally dive into at this moment, but the short of it is.

 

We always fought very badly. I know I had a role in it and I caused problems for us, because I had problems with my anger and insecurity. She basically had the same problems. She took a job close to me, and against my better judgment, I let her move in with me when she wanted to. She wasn't even living with me for a week, and she moved out last night.

 

We started arguing over something stupid, which I started. This week, she's been really moody, and has been taking it out on me. She's been really distant. She was a little distant with me after work, so I came home and started on her about it.

 

The next thing I knew, we were arguing bad and it went to name calling. After I called her something, she started slapping and punching me. I was in absolute, utter shock. I just stepped back and she kept trying to punch me. She stopped, packed her bags, and left.

 

As she was leaving, we were continuing to name call, and she said some things that really hurt. She called my penis small, I didn't know how to have sex, her boss was trying to hook her up with another guy, I was not worth it, etc, etc.

 

Crushed...

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So sorry to hear about this, NewPhillyGuy. While arguments can be beneficial at times in relationships, name calling and violence are never solutions. I had a relationship similar to what you described. While there was no violence there were plenty of fights, raised voices, name calling at times and jealousy.

 

I got out of that relationship (well, she assisted the departure by dumping me ) and I studied relationship books and saw a therapist for many many months. The next relationship I had was totally different. It was loving and kind and only a couple of times were voices raised and never were any names called.

 

I dont know the specifics of the argument you had but it sounds like you both need a break right now. I suggest seeing a counselor together if you want to try to make things work. I also suggest making a promise to yourself and her that the next conversation you have there will be no name calling or violence. If she instigates violence or name calling then you have to walk away.

 

Bottom line is that healthy relationships never involve name calling and violence and jealousy has no place either. You have to identify why these things are in the relationship and go from there.

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I actually asked her about counseling last night. Her response was that she would think about it and kept packing her stuff. I basically begged her to go with me, and she just kept saying she would think about it. I took that as she was not serious about it at all.

 

At this point, the relationship is 100% over. I know she won't come back to me, and after being hit by her, I could not take her back anyway.

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It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, so even though it hurts that it's over, it's probably in both of your best interest. It seems natural that a volatle relationship to begin with would escalate into a situation as you've described.

Work on your own anger and insecurities and offer your next girlfriend a healthier version of yourself.

Best wishes.

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I am sorry you are hurting. I can't say that I am surprised by the outcome. This relationship was dysfunctional from the get-go and you both fed on each other's dysfunctions. It sounds like you both wanted a relationship so badly that you both moved too quickly despite all the battles. Given that you keep repeating the same patterns in each of your relationships..the type of women you choose and the type of behaviour patterns you have with them, perhaps it is time to take a giant step back and really reflect on things. You knew way back that the relationship was unhealthy, but you made the choice to continue the relationship as well as to initiate your own drama within the relationship. Time to sit back heal yourself before going into another relationship. I am sorry it had to end this ugly. Often when people are at the end of their rope there are horrible words which come spewing out at each other.....when it gets to that point it is time to really let go and walk away because the relationship is too toxic...there is too much anger and bitterness, and love and relationships should not be about anger and bitterness.

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Not about money. It was a stupid argument really, DN, and I know I screwed this one up.

 

This week was just a really bad week. She was acting really moody on Monday. She had just moved into my place, because she took a job in my area to be near me. She asked me if she could move in with me, so I said yes to help her save money. She was only there a few days.

 

I came home from work one day, and I saw that she left the TV on all day. I told her when I saw her later to please turn it off when you leave. She told me she didn't leave it on, so I told her I saw it was on a sports channel. I rarely watch sports, so I said it must have been you. You prob forgot - no big deal - so please just turn it off next time. Well, for the rest of the night, she was just acting really distant and moody toward me. I tried talking to her, getting her to watch a movie with me, but she was just being very quiet, distant, and told me ridiculous things like I was calling her a liar about the TV and didn't think she knew how to turn it off! I only said please do it next time! After getting the cold shoulder from her for a while about the stupid TV thing, I lost my control and raised my voice to her. This was a few days ago.

 

A similar type of thing happened the other night. She had called me earlier in the day, and I returned her call within 30 min or so. I was out with friends when she called, which she knew. The prior night, she said she was upset that I did not invite her out. I then invited her, and then she declined and said she was going to the gym that day. So, when I called her back while out, a few hours went by and I heard nothing back from her. When I got home, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and looked angry. I asked her why she didn't call me back, and her answer was she didn't think she had to, because she was lost and then found her way. I was being stupid, and was just mad from earlier in the week, so I got mad at her for not returning my call and just her attitude when I got home. I started yelling again, and that's when the whole situation escalated. It got to her packing her stuff, name calling, and then she hit me.

 

The common problem on my part is that I lose my cool with her and yell, but she just pushes me to my limit with her passive aggressive behavior and moodiness. I just couldn't take it anymore, so I would hit my limit and yell. I know this is wrong and I need to stop that, but I just lose my cool and I raise my voice.

 

I figured we could work it out if we wanted to be together, but after I yelled, she started packing her stuff for the 2nd time this week. I begged her not to leave for 3 hours, and nothing would change her mind. She was just mad because I yelled, and that was it for her. She thought it was unreasonable for me to get mad when she did not call, which is fine, but she does not consider how she's been acting all week, and I just felt her ignoring me as an extension of that.

 

I think if she really wanted to be with me, she would understand she's been acting like crap lately, and my reaction to her, while wrong, is because I've just been pushed to my limit. She could have continued to work with me and do therapy, but she just started hitting me and left.

 

It tells me alot about her and who she really is. The hitting is not somethign I can accept. I thought she accepted the job in my state to be close to me, but I wonder if she only did it for the financial advantage to her. It hurts me to think that, but I wonder if that was it.

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If I remember correctly she played the same kind of games right from the beginning..and that she had a hard time owning up to being wrong about anything. She certainly blew the TV thing out of proportion. Manipulators don't like to be told they made a mistake..they tend to try to re-write history, twist blame around, or create a lot of other drama to focus the attention on something other than their own wrong-doing. Being over the top angry and huffy is a tactic used by manipulators to shift the focus of attention and make the other person walk on eggshells.

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OK - I understand that there are layers of issues here and sometimes it is worth trying to sort through them to find solutions. But let's cut to the issue that really determines whether you should even consider trying to fix this relationship:

After I called her something, she started slapping and punching me. I was in absolute, utter shock. I just stepped back and she kept trying to punch me
You should not have called her names. That's a given.

 

But slapping and punching is behaviour that pushes all the other issues into irrelevance. She's a violent woman and that is all you need to know.

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She's a violent woman and that is all you need to know.

 

Yup, and that's enough for me. She's not the first violent woman I've dated. I'm glad that I'm out of this situation.

 

Today, I can't say that I'm feeling alot of sorrow about this. It's more so shock. I know the pain is coming - once the days and weeks start to pass. She works literally right accross the street from me. I hope I don't see her.

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Drama laden, violent. You did great man, healing from this one shouldn't take too long.

 

You can't live under the same roof with someone who can't take minor constructive criticism, living unhappily and walking on eggshells about what is going to hurt feelings or cause a pouting fit is a hellish way to waste your life.

 

And the personal insults and penis comment shout "princess" loud and clear. That girl is used to throwing tantrums and being indulged, and has never suffered any true consequences of speaking to people rudely or insultingly. Bet you dollars to donuts there is a very over indulgent father or male relative in that girl's life.

 

Sounds like you were living with Veruca Salt.

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Hi served, long time. I always appreciated your insights.

 

I could have done much better, honestly. One thing this relationship helped me to realize is that she wasn't the only one with an anger problem. I got angry with her and yelled over dumb things. I said things I should not have. I was insecure, and I could not control that insecurity and the anxiety it caused.

 

She might have been pushy, cold at times, rude, etc, but the failure of the relationship is not 100% her fault. I do think that if I was a bit calmer, the relationship might have worked out.

 

I think when you have two people who are high-strung, it definitely will not work out. They feed off each other and things blow up. I think this is exactly why my past relationships have failed. I'm still dealing with my issues, and I've been dating people who are so similar to me in that they are high-strung and insecure.

 

I think I would need someone who's a bit calmer to counter me. Also, I need to work on my own insecurity and reactions to people.

 

When she got mad at me over stupid things, I could have walked away or into another room. I could have responded lovingly and given her the time she needed to cool off, but instead, I overreacted just like she was doing.

 

It kills me to think if I only would have chilled out, I could have saved the relationship. Deep down, I do not see this girl as a rotten person, despite the things she did and said. I think it was all in heat. I said some terrible things to her in heat too - things that when I think about today, I am ashamed of myself and hurt very deeply knowing that my words hurt her too.

 

I am very sad that 10 months ended like this. She just moved in with me, and it was a very big step I took because I loved her. Now, we're not even talking, and she works right accross the street for me. She moved to my state to be with me, and now it's all gone.

 

This is not at all what I wanted, but it's all done now. All I can do is work on my own issues. The good thing that came from this relationship is that it helped me to see very clearly how I can improve myself. I grew up in a family of yellers and watched people overreact and say mean things all the time. Before this girl, most of the girls I've dated were high-strung and reacted angrily over small things. I don't want to be like that anymore, even if a person pushes me past my limit. I want to be better than that.

 

 

Drama laden, violent. You did great man, healing from this one shouldn't take too long.

 

You can't live under the same roof with someone who can't take minor constructive criticism, living unhappily and walking on eggshells about what is going to hurt feelings or cause a pouting fit is a hellish way to waste your life.

 

And the personal insults and penis comment shout "princess" loud and clear. That girl is used to throwing tantrums and being indulged, and has never suffered any true consequences of speaking to people rudely or insultingly. Bet you dollars to donuts there is a very over indulgent father or male relative in that girl's life.

 

Sounds like you were living with Veruca Salt.

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I have a feeling if you contact her she will move right back in. And even if you don't contact her she will try to find a way to move back in. But that's just me.

 

Kudos to you for realizing you need to change and that you don't want an environment similar to what you grew up in. Sometimes we have our disagreements but me and my boyfriend NEVER yell and NEVER hit. So it CAN happen. It is NOT normal to be in a violent relationship. You should be proud of yourself that you can realize this without having seen or experienced the alternative. Not everybody can.

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NPG, sorry to hear about the breakup.

 

I am glad, though, that you are taking ownership of your role in the demise of this relationship. Even though it probably sucks to hear when you're nursing a heartache that you can use it as a "learning experience," in the end, it does help to try and put a positive spin on things (although it may not seem like it right now).

 

Take care of yourself.

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True, if you find yourself really "yelling" or boiling over, it's something you should address definitely.

 

However, be very careful about judging yourself here also. Have had more than one woman tell me "Stop yelling at me!" when my voice was calm and even, and similar tactics. You have a right to bring up your legitimate concerns in a relationship in a measured way, and never let the other party guilt you or manipulate you into thinking otherwise with positions that sound like "you are being mean to me!" when you really aren't. There's a huge segment of women out there who have grown up manipulating men in such a way their entire lives, and yours sounds like one of those. Of course, all we have to go on is what you type. Best wishes with the next one.

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You raise a good point. There were definitely times when I felt like she was manipulating me, telling me I shouldn't feel a certain way, or completed twisted my words like I was trying to insult her when I was just pointing something out. The TV thing was an example of this. All I said to her was to please turn it off, and she comes back saying I'm calling her a liar because she did not leave it on.

 

At the same time though, there were definitely occasions where I boiled over. It happened when she would be moody and passive aggressive. I took it as I was being rejected and ignored. If I would walk into another room to get away from her, it just made us both feel worse. She felt ignored. I felt ignored. If I tried to be nice to her though, she would just push me farther. What I should have done is just left her alone in those cases. Instead, I would retreat for a while, and then come out of my "cave" yelling at her. It wasn't the way to do it.

 

I think she is definitely used to getting her way. It doesn't work well with me, because I'm a person who tries to be easy going. I try so hard and when I see someone just try to push me around, it annoys me.

 

I picked up a book on assertive communication that I'm going to read more seriously. I think that will be helpful to me.

 

True, if you find yourself really "yelling" or boiling over, it's something you should address definitely.

 

However, be very careful about judging yourself here also. Have had more than one woman tell me "Stop yelling at me!" when my voice was calm and even, and similar tactics. You have a right to bring up your legitimate concerns in a relationship in a measured way, and never let the other party guilt you or manipulate you into thinking otherwise with positions that sound like "you are being mean to me!" when you really aren't. There's a huge segment of women out there who have grown up manipulating men in such a way their entire lives, and yours sounds like one of those. Of course, all we have to go on is what you type. Best wishes with the next one.

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Guys, I want this girl back. I don't want to let her go. I called her and asked her to meet up with me tomorrow to talk about our relationship and she agreed to meet with me.

 

I was surprised that she agreed to meet. The other day, I could not convince her to say. She wrote me an email saying we should never talk again.

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Guys, I want this girl back. I don't want to let her go. I called her and asked her to meet up with me tomorrow to talk about our relationship and she agreed to meet with me.

 

I was surprised that she agreed to meet. The other day, I could not convince her to say. She wrote me an email saying we should never talk again.

 

I am not surprised at all that she agreed. I think she moved in with you just to save money honestly. And she does sound like a manipulator. Good luck to you my friend, you will need it!

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she hit you. your relationship will never be the same. that will always be in hte back of your mind, just as your mean words to her will be in the back of hers. it's changed. you need to learn to deal better with relationships so you don't keep having one failed relationship after another. until you work on yourself more, it'll always be the same.

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she hit you. your relationship will never be the same. that will always be in hte back of your mind, just as your mean words to her will be in the back of hers. it's changed. you need to learn to deal better with relationships so you don't keep having one failed relationship after another. until you work on yourself more, it'll always be the same.

 

I agree. There are just some things you shouldn't try to fix. You moved in together and within 1 week she was hitting you and you were calling her awful names.

 

I think you have some good ideas about how to improve yourself so this doesn't happen again- but this relationship is over, and I think it would be a big mistake to try and salvage things.

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Guys, I want this girl back. I don't want to let her go. I called her and asked her to meet up with me tomorrow to talk about our relationship and she agreed to meet with me.

 

I was surprised that she agreed to meet. The other day, I could not convince her to say. She wrote me an email saying we should never talk again.

 

Well, of course. She too had a chance to cool down and think about things so just bc she said something in the heat of the moment, it doesnt mean she really meant it.

 

Anyways, I'm with everyone else on this one but of course, the decision (and the consequences) are all yours. Your last thread on her was in early July and you havent posted anything about your relationship since then. So I dont know if this outburst of hers was an isolated incident and your relationship, for the most part, has been peaceful and fulfilling (and NOT drama-filled and anxiety-causing, as it appeared to be based on your other threads).

 

BUT in *ALL* of your threads about this woman, almost everyone says that 1) there is something dysfunctional about this relationship and (leaving aside your contribution to the drama or how things seems to deteriorate really quickly when you two get together) 2) there's something slightly "off" about her character.

 

Granted that 1) we dont know her, you do; 2) you're only writing when there is a conflict between you two, and 3) you're with her bc she does have positive attributes, whatever anyone on ENA might say.

 

BUT even so, just taking into account what you've said about her, everyone pointed out huge red flags, which you chose to and now are choosing to ignore.

 

Me personally, if I had such a huge blowout within ONE week of moving in together, I would be worried about the future of the relationship but maybe you're more optimistic than I am. (I admit I am a bit on the pessimistic side, in general.)

 

Anyways, before you decide what you want to do, dont take our word for it that salvaging a relationship with someone like your ex/gf may not be worth your time and effort and (the unavoidable) heartache.

 

Read over your previous threads like DN suggested and take your own words about how your relationship with this woman really was and then decide.

 

Good luck.

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hi npg, sorry to hear about this. i agree with the others - the hitting issue trumps all others. you have to stay away from her. end of story. that is not ok under any circumstances. i agree with orlander, taking some time for yourself, maybe getting some counseling sounds like a good thing to do.

 

good luck

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