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Boy Talk - how to interpret what he has said..


not again
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What...
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What To Do?

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Hi again,

 

I would like some advice on how to interpret some messages from my ex. We broke up 3 months ago due to us wanting different things in our futures. I want to get married and have children - he doesnt. Our feelings havent changed towards each other, we still love each other deeply but the children thing is keeping us apart. (which i realise it a big thing in life)

 

Anyway, a few nights ago he sent a message telling me he doesnt want to have kids because he couldnt be a role model to them and tell then not to do things that he has done himself in life.

I replied and basically asked him to not keep sending me msgs on why we couldnt be together anymore.

He replied with this and im finding it hard to interpret what he is saying.

"they arent reasons for us not being together at all in fact the opposite in some ways. I just want you to know how i am feeling and that i still think about us all the time..

 

Can anyone help me interpret his last message. I dont understand what he is trying to say.

 

I know i have been writing a lot lately on this board about my break up with him. I just appreciate the advice i get on this board and i guess that is why we are all here. I appreciate everyones honesty as well as their patience..

Thanks again!

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You should not feel any shame on posting about your break up because that's what we're here for - to give you advice.

 

In regards to his message, Although he indicates that it's not reasons for you guys not to be together, they are actual reasons. I understand that he still has feelings for you, but it is not enough for him to change his mind because you guys are not on the same page. You want to have children and he doesn't - conflict right there. In order for a relationship to work, you both have to be looking towards the same direction. As much as you want to be together, in the long run if he's unwilling to change his mind - you will get nowhere.

 

I'm sorry that you feel this way, feel free to keep posting when you feel down.

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I should prob note - he was the one who eneded it with me. He didnt think it was fair on either of us to continue. He said he may change his mind in the future and want kids, but he also may not and he couldnt put us through that. It wasnt fair.

 

So that is the confusing part i dont understand. If i ended it with him, his message would make sense to me. But since he ended it, i just cant understand it.

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btw.. how old are you and your boyfriend?

 

We are both 27. Together 2.5 years, lived together for 1 years.. Travelled extensively together.

He knew i didnt want to settled down right now but he knew in a couple of years i wanted to be married and look at having children.

 

He is just so confusing.. I responded to his message and said if he wanted me in his life, he would be doing whatever he could to sort this mess out. But he wasnt and that is all i needed to know..

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The first thing that popped out at me was the "not able to be a role model" comment.

 

It sounds like he has some insecurity/fear issues about not being a good enough father. What was his relationship like with his dad? I'm not a psych major or anything but I'm thinking that if he got into counseling it might help him work through these issues. I'm not saying that it will make him want to have kids but it might give him deeper insight about himself.

 

Besides, just because certain people may have done questionable things in life doesn't mean they shouldn't have children. My father and I are pretty close and I know about a lot of things that he's done that I think a father wouldn't normally tell their daughter. These are things that I will never do because I have learned from his mistakes.

 

Just my two cents.

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He just doesnt believe in himself. By not being a good role model he means he has partied hard in his life and couldnt lie to his kids and tell them not to do things he himself has done.

He doesnt have a good relationship with his father. He raved about him when we were overseas telling me how great and supportive he is but as soon as we got home, that turned into disrespect and my ex saw him in another light. My ex is very simillar to his father and scared he will be like him.

Obviously thats where it stems from. But it doesnt help us..

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Would he consider counseling or try to work on his current relationship with his father?

 

I used to have an awful relationship with my mom. As I've gotten older things are getting better now and I'm starting to understand her more. Things aren't perfect, but they are better.

 

I'm just saying that if he were willing to address these issues with someone who is a professional it MIGHT help the situation.

 

If he's not willing and if he's really sure about it, then you need to cut contact with him. It's obviously just hurting you more.

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Yeah, I'm seeing this differently than some of the other posters. I think he's pretty clearly struggling with his own feelings and he's putting it out there to see if there's any way to work it out. I don't think he's necessarily asking you to suddenly say, okay, no problem. I think he's doing some soul searching about why he doesn't want kids because he really wants to work this out with you and he's keeping you in the loop while he's processing his feelings.

 

I'm not gonna lie. This is a big issue to disagree about, and you two are old enough to know what you want. However, I think Lavender's absolutely right. If he's willing to go for counseling, it might change everything. It's not like he's said he hates kids or wants to put all of his energy into his career or something. He's saying he's scared about being a father. Frankly, I know plenty of people who felt this way but didn't confront it, had kids anyway, and then had their lives explode. So, I'm pretty impressed he's dealing with these feelings openly---and telling you!

 

If you bring up counseling, just don't put it like, why don't you go into therapy so you can want to have kids. I know you probably know that already, but I'm just saying, avoid anything that might even seem like that. In fact, I'd take the whole "have kids" thing off the table for now. Instead, you might suggest going for couples counseling as a way to get him into it. When his issues come up, the therapist might suggest that he come in for some solo work. Or it might turn out to be something you can do together.

 

I've probably put in more than my 2 cents already, but the last thing I'd add is lots and lots of parents did plenty of wild things in their youth. There are ways to handle with that besides lying. I know what he's talking about, but it's really no big deal. I suspect his worries have more to do with his own childhood . . .

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Do you think my last message to him could have done some damage if he is in fact thinking about things? I said to him

"All i know is that if you wanted me in your life you would be doing whatever you could to sort this mess out. But your not. You walked out on us, not me. That is all i need to know. You were a big part of my life and i will always wish the best for you and hope your ok. I used to be the person you could turn to for love, support and advice but that ended the day you walked out on us."

 

If he is in fact thinking things through would this have damaged things?

And after me telling him so many times to stop contacting me because it hurts and prolongs the process, how do i get back in touch with him and suggest the counselling?

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No, I don't think it's too late. I'm sure he understands where you're coming from and why you'd feel that way. If you want to reach out to him again, just say you've been thinking more about what he said to you and you'd like to talk to him about it. See if you can have coffee or something. Try to get him to tell you more and just listen. Show him you're trying to understand and then go from there.

 

Hope it goes well---I know this has gotta be tough for both of you : )

 

CC

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