haveheart Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 hello everyone, i'll try to keep this short and sweet! i was in an obsessive, destructive relationship from 16-18 years old that ended very badly. i was devastated and refused to let go for a long time afterwards, to the point where i had to seek counselling. although i've never felt so bad in my life, my break up helped me grow and now i feel able to say that i've grieved my old relationship and am 'over it' as much as can be... that's not the problem. the problem is that it feels as though my heart won't let anyone else in as a result of getting so hurt? i'm now 20 years old and have been pretty much single since my ex... the 'things' that start up with guys always end up as a waste of my time. its got to the point where i don't feel attracted to anyone at the moment? like my whole body has given up looking to save myself the disappointment? i don't mean to sound self-absorbed or attention seeking by saying 'I'M NEVER GONNA LOVE AGAIN' but it's starting to feel like there's nobody else out there for me? when i think about the fact that i'm so young, yet can't seem to 'find someone' it starts to play on my mind, like there's something wrong with me. it's not that i think i'm gonna be alone forever, it's more like i can't see myself having such a connection with someone again? first love is so pure, and now that i know how badly it can go it's pretty hard to see myself letting someone so close again. am i alone in this, or does anyone else feel like their ex has taken away their ability to love so much? does anyone else feel like maybe theres only one great love, and in the end you have to settle? i don't ever want to settle for something that isn't amazing, but being alone for the rest of my life isn't looking so appealing either... Link to comment
atelis Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 no one can ever take away our ability to love........no one has that much control over us, not an ex or anyone. Believeing that is simply perpuating the victim mentality. If you don't trust, it's because you don't trust yourself, not because your ex did this or that to you. What did you cover with your therapist? Did you do much work on why you got into and stayed in an obsessive relationship in the first place? Link to comment
JusticeLaw9 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 It ain't over til it's over. Take a stand today that you'll do your best to make better decisions in the future regarding who you date. A lot of misery from relationships comes from our own poor judgment. I'm not saying you in particular, because I have done it too as well as every other person on this site. Learn the lessons to keep yourself out of harms way and avoid people that are no good for you. Most importantly, do become a victim of your history. Link to comment
Brisby Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I agree with what's been said here. You just have to live and learn. Sure there will be more mistakes in the future but you are so young, you really shouldn't be worrying about never meeting anyone ever again. Experience is the most important thing. Find out what you want and what makes you happy. Link to comment
haveheart Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 no one can ever take away our ability to love........no one has that much control over us, not an ex or anyone. Believeing that is simply perpuating the victim mentality. If you don't trust, it's because you don't trust yourself, not because your ex did this or that to you. What did you cover with your therapist? Did you do much work on why you got into and stayed in an obsessive relationship in the first place? i do fully agree with what you're saying, maybe i should of worded it differently to mean that i feel like i won't let myself love anymore? i'm aware that my ex has no control over what i think or feel, but the issues from my past relationship seem to be carried with me in some ways. me and my therapist worked through a lot together, especially to do with me letting go and lots of 'two chair work' to get answers i really needed from my ex. i was really young when i got into my relationship and liked 'saving' my ex from all his problems i guess? although our relationship was explosive, the 10% of the time i was happy i couldn't bear to let go! i'd never felt anything like that before, never had a soulmate i could tell everything to, and was terrified of losing it. i guess thats why it took me so long to move on! it seems pretty unfair that he's had 2 long term relationships since me, and i'm only just getting over the old relationship issues and wondering why i don't want anyone still? Link to comment
atelis Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 did your co-dependant tendancies come from your ex or perhaps your relationship with your parents? whats was/is your rleationship with your parents like? Link to comment
Fear Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 , it's more like i can't see myself having such a connection with someone again? first love is so pure, and now that i know how badly it can go it's pretty hard to see myself letting someone so close again. am i alone in this, or does anyone else feel like their ex has taken away their ability to love so much? does anyone else feel like maybe theres only one great love, and in the end you have to settle? i don't ever want to settle for something that isn't amazing, but being alone for the rest of my life isn't looking so appealing either... Thank you for finding the words I have so badly tried to formulate! I am the same age as you. It been a month since I broke up with my first love of a year and a half, and I feel this exact way. I feel like I won't find someone as attractive, as passionate. The connection, even though the realtionship was abusive, was SO SO strong! Link to comment
mrvaughn Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Thank you for finding the words I have so badly tried to formulate! I am the same age as you. It been a month since I broke up with my first love of a year and a half, and I feel this exact way. I feel like I won't find someone as attractive, as passionate. The connection, even though the realtionship was abusive, was SO SO strong! I think the reason you think like this is that you have only had the one experience of love. There is no frame of reference from your perspective. You loved him & thought there was no one else that can make you feel like that. If this forum is still around in 50 years, pm me & let me know just how many other guys have made you feel like that...Bet at least one, maybe two or more (And the fact the relationship was abusive...When you find your next love...you will question how on earth you could have loved 'him') Link to comment
Fear Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I think the reason you think like this is that you have only had the one experience of love. There is no frame of reference from your perspective. You loved him & thought there was no one else that can make you feel like that. If this forum is still around in 50 years, pm me & let me know just how many other guys have made you feel like that...Bet at least one, maybe two or more (And the fact the relationship was abusive...When you find your next love...you will question how on earth you could have loved 'him') I think you are right, and I most definitely hope you will prove yourself right! Haha. I will let you know for sure And yes, I want to be loved unconditionally...no name calling. The relationship was only abusive in the last couple months, but it is the most god-awful feeling when you need the person to just be there, and all they can do is throw hostile barbs at you. Link to comment
firstlove Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I am the same age as you guys and me and my first love broke up for 3 months. The relationship was obsessive, abusive, etc. I feel that I won't love again and he is my soul mate. After 3 months, I still have feelings for him. It sucks. Day by day is full of pain. How can I ever love again? Link to comment
Roxy178 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 haveheart, I've been through the same thing. I'm 19 and I dated a guy for about 2.5 years in high school before he broke up with me and strung me along before meeting someone else. I think the absolute last step to getting over someone is finding someone else, which I have yet to do. I'm going into my 2nd year of college now and I still haven't found anyone that I'm seriously interested in beyond a fling. that's totally normal. I still know girls my age that have never kissed a guy before. I think we're just jaded. a lot of people our age haven't experienced failed long term relationships yet...they don't know what it's like to be hurt so badly so they keep their heart open to everything and everyone, they don't see a reason to guard it. just try and focus on school, friends, work, whatever for now and everything should fall into place. when you least expect it, you'll probably meet that one exception that makes you think you can love again. but that could be years down the road and that's fine. that's what I tell myself, and for now I try to see guys as just people and/or friends rather than a bunch of total idiots or potential boyfriends. Link to comment
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