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I really don't know how to move past this.. :(


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I haven't made a thread here in quite some time and I consider this to be a sign of how far I have come in the recent past. And.. my goodness have I come far. However, there are still some pretty glaring issues. Maybe that is the "downfall" of being stable: the real problems become more apparent.

 

Generally, I feel an underlying sense of unease. As though something isn't right, there is something I should be doing or am not doing good enough. I really don't know if I even see myself as somebody that another could love. Growing up, I never "won" the affection of my parents and was explicitly told I will never meet my dad's standards so I should just stop even trying. Or, by my father as well, if my long term boyfriend knew me, that he wouldn’t love me. To make matters worse I have had long term relationships that were essentially your worst scenario types of situations.

 

One of the best ways it manifests itself now is that I have about weekly nightmares that my boyfriend will leave me for his ex. Or, I see myself as getting in the way of "them" and worry I am stepping out of line and am not "supposed" to be with him. He is hers. I'm just some side person messing true love up. ..

 

I would like to say I know it isn't sane but a part of it really does feel true to me. But I do recognize that my past causes me to have issues and that I might suffer from a perfectionist streak. I REALLY want to get past this.

 

I just don't even know where to start though. Advice? Ideas on what I should do or tell myself? Or, anybody ever feel the same..?

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His actions: Well.. he still had thoughts about getting a tattoo that symbolized them embracing right before we met. I brought it up with him and he wasn't able to say easily that he didn't want it anymore. He eventually said he wouldn't "if it made me uncomfortable" and also that "death can change things" (she had a heart condition). He also had told me he has a real weakness for native americans and long black hair (she had both). And then he has kept his myspace profile (silly I know) up about how he wants to mate with her and with her pet name.. which was about how small she was. I'm 5'9" and curvy Oo.. (but not fat).

 

My head: My first boyfriend was for three years. I was young and my parents had stepped out of my life. He was all I had. He cheated on me with his ex 2 years in and told me. We broke up. Got back together. I thought he might have been back with her.. he cheated on me with a clone of his ex. Turns out in the end he was with his ex from the very start. He was a master liar. THREE years. I seriously had no clue.

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I would honestly find his actions troubling and I understand your insecurity regarding her and him, especially given your past. Sometimes we meet people when they aren't exactly selfless enough to give their full respect to a new relationship, but it doesn't mean it's doomed.

 

Has he let up in regards to talking about her or bringing things like that up?

 

It may be worth nothing for me to say, but Suzy, you're so intelligent and from what I've seen you're absolutely beautiful. Do not ever feel second in line for anyone- you have worth.

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Thanks ISH.

 

He doesn't bring her up. And he usually says all the right things. And has even said he is over her. He hasn't done anything.. and also tells me he is certain of how he feels. So that is where I feel it is (yes, made worse by some of his actions), but mostly due to my own mental crap going on. But even then, I don't know what to do. It doesn't seem like the type of thing to break up over.. but it does need to change. .. Somehow Oo

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It would seem the best thing to do is logically say "this boyfriend is not my ex, I trust him". It's way easier said than done, but a lot of times we stay locked into our negative thinking because we don't simplify our thoughts. We jumble everything and look through every nook and cranny for understanding, when getting over things can be really plain.

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No he wasn't gushing over her. But because of the nature of things, I learned about some of his present thoughts that had to do with her after we had started to date. (I read them here) It is confusing without going into the details but I don't think he has done anything to put him at fault.

 

Like I said, I think a decent part of this is from within myself. I just need to know what to do to more forward. Try doing this or tell yourself blank. Things to build self esteem??

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I think a decent part of this is from within myself.

 

I just need to know what to do to move forward.

 

 

Hi SuzyQ, hope you don't mind my interjection here.

 

I use to think like you do now and then one day, it all changed. I magically figured it all out. Actually, that is rather arrogant of me to say. Truth is, magic figured me out and I really had nothing to do with it.

 

You said that you think a decent part of this is from within yourself. I have some really good news for you. 100% of everything all around us is created from within ourselves! We manifest everything that comes to us, both good and bad. Some more good news... there is no such thing as good and bad.

 

Our perception of everything gives everything the meaning that it has. Every single thing out there is objective, in that it has no meaning within itself. In our infinite wisdom as humans however, we 'assign' meaning to everything and thus turn everything backwards, into a subjective entity that now contains an arbitrary meaning. We do not realize however, that it was us that named and labeled it.

 

Whenever you see someone else who has all the luck or has all the great relationships, we are not dealing with someone that has been somehow ceremoniously blessed with all the good stuff in life. We are actually witnessing someone who absolutely 'gets it'. In other words, we have stumbled accross someone who has figured out 'how' to manifest.

 

The reason they don't come running to you screaming their discovery or stand in the town center proclaiming their personal discovery on a soap box, is because those who 'get it' actually think that everyone else already knows HOW to 'get it'. It does not occur to them that they have actually figured something out and have unknowingly taken control of their life, especially if they have had this ability from a very young age.

 

Those who 'get it' are not usually blatantly aware that they do 'get it' and that THEY are in fact the ones controlling or manifesting everything that comes to fruition in their life. Quite often, they blame it on good luck when really, it's magic!

 

Before I go any further, I have more good news for you. You already 'have it'. Actually, everyone does. Where everything gets stalled or hung up however, is acknowledging to ourselves that in fact, we DO 'get it'. Deep down inside of ourselves we intuitively know that. The trick to extracting it from our depths and raising it to the surface, lies in giving ourselves permission to cross that line... and I don't mean someone else giving us permission, I mean giving 'ourselves' permission.

 

Can you give yourself permission to cross the line you drew in your own sand?

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I think I need to just focus on what I do have going for me and spend less time focused on everybody else and a little more on cultivating my own interests. Like maybe thinking.. : Oh, what they had was nice and what I have is nice too. Easier said than done though.

 

Here is to trying

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I think I need to just focus on what I do have going for me and spend less time focused on everybody else

 

 

I think that if you honestly believed it were that simple, you would not have posted a plea for advise in the first place. Truth is, you really don't have a problem, do you!

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I think that if you honestly believed it were that simple, you would not have posted a plea for advise in the first place. Truth is, you really don't have a problem, do you!

 

I was able to figure out what I SHOULD think.. but I can't seem to control my thoughts very well.. I figure I have to train myself or something

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Yes, I agree with you !00% SuzyQ! But you always DID know what you SHOULD think... that was my whole point in the long post that I made to you, of which I now make particular reference to the last paragraph.

 

Where we get tripped up, is acknowledging to ourselves that we can actually take credit for knowing intuitively what the answer is that lies within us AND that it is OK to admit to ourselves our success in figuring that out.

 

The reason it is OK, is because it is OURSELVES that we are answering to... not our parents, not our husbands/wives, not our children. In being responsible to ourselves FIRST and ahead of everyone else on our list of self-imposed responsibilities, we therein grant ourselves permission.

 

Like I have already mentioned, this whole thing is about giving ourselves "permission" to acknowledge what we already know.

 

When our scattered, confusing thoughts overshadow what we already know to be the truth, stand in front of a mirror all by yourself. Look at your eyes in the mirror and say out loud to yourself that you apologize 'for what you thought'. Say to yourself that you know your truth and that you give yourself permission at that very moment, to move forward.

 

When you do this, you will find the scattered thoughts suddenly begin to fall into line as you provide them with leadership, as our scattered thoughts have been without a leader. They will listen and they too will focus for the common good of 'you' and your direction will become clear. If they fall out of line, go back to the mirror and do it again.

 

The hardest person on earth to look in the eye and forgive, is ourselves... forgive ourselves for knowing better, yet waffling or doing the opposite of what we know to be in our own best interest.

 

Try doing this in the mirror and feel the power of conviction you receive from the person looking back at you!

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Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

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